The Bond With My Brothers

“And Joseph kissed all his brothers and cried as he hugged them.  After this, his brothers talked with him.”    Genesis 45:15

“So Joseph comforted his brothers and spoke kind words to them.”   Genesis 50:21

Recently I sat with my three brothers at a wedding reception.  We had the opportunity to talk, just the four of us for an extended period of time.  We talked about farming, tractors, gardens, memories, and family.  We share a bond.   First, because we are siblings.  We have the same mom and dad.  We have the same relatives.  We share the same Christian faith and foundation.  Our early years were influenced by the same Sunday School teachers and some of the same teachers in public school.  We grew up in the same house and on the same farm.  While we have the same foundation, our lives took us in many different directions, but the foundation of faith and family remained firm and strong.

I share another bond with my brothers.  We lost our parents.  We each grieved in different ways, but we all felt the deep loss and hole in our hearts not having our parents.  We have remained connected since their death and continue to get together each month along with my sister.  We also share the bond of grief in the loss of a spouse.  We understand heartache and loss and grief.  We have experienced the loss of companionship and love.

I have walked with my two oldest brothers this past year the journey of death and grief.  We have talked regularly on the phone.  I was with them through the dying process, the death and funeral.  We have talked about how life is different.  One brother has stayed busy as a way of dealing with the changes.  While the other brother has been quieter and more reflective.  We have each grieved in our own way and in our own time.  Because I have walked the journey, I have provided comfort and guided them in what to expect next.

While my family has never been demonstrative in expressing love, through this bond my oldest brother and I say “I love you” at the end of each phone conversation.  My brothers will at least give a side hug when I see them which is a huge step.  At times, I can even get them to express their emotions and feelings which is hard for many men and especially farmers.

We also share the bond of new relationships.  My one brother has been remarried for years, and my two other brothers have lady friends.  They are enjoying the companionship and a renewed outlook on life.  They smile and laugh and have someone to share the joys and struggles of life.  But with these new relationships comes some complications.  My brothers have children and grandchildren.  Their children and grandchildren have lost their mom and grandmother. While they want their dad and grandpa to be happy, they are still sad.  When you lose a spouse, you never replace the spouse.  The hole in your heart remains.  You just make space in your heart for companionship and sometimes love again.  But children are not looking for companionship after the loss, they just miss their mom and grandma who provided the unconditional and sacrificial love in their life.  Not all children receive this type of love from their maternal parent, but for those who do, the loss is intense.

I realize that other women have taken on the motherly role in my life, but nobody fills that role like my mom did.  When I married Dave, I took on the role as “step-mom”, but I never had the maternal role because their mom was in Heaven.  I was more of a friend.  I was their Dad’s wife.  They had a mom who would always be in their hearts.

Grief complicates relationships.  We miss our loved one.  We know our loved one is in Heaven.  We believe they want us to live our lives completely.  We long for companionship and to share life with someone.  We want to be considerate of other people’s feelings and grief.  The relationship of our loved one is complete on earth.  We cannot add more to the relationship.  The love for them never ends.  Our lives continue on earth, and we need to figure out what that looks like.  For some having a companion to share this next chapter of life is valuable and fulfilling.  For others, the thought of someone new in their life seems like a betrayal and they have chosen to remain alone.  It is whatever works for you.

The bond with my brothers has deepened because of loss and grief and new relationships.  We share and understand even though we make different decisions.  We all will grieve at some time in our lives.  We all will need comfort and guidance as we maneuver this new path of life.  Be open to the unexpected.  Be aware of God’s presence.  Your life will take unexpected turns going through some deep valleys.  Learn from each of these encounters and look behind you to help those beginning the journey.  Use your experiences to be of support to others.  There is a bond.

Pondering My Thoughts

“The Lord says, “My thoughts are not like your thoughts.  Your ways are not like my ways.  Just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.”  Isaiah 55:8-9

I have been doing a lot of pondering lately.  Pondering to me is resting in my thoughts.  It is staying in my thoughts and waiting for God in these thoughts.  I am thinking about my life, my future, my relationships, and reflecting on my past and those who have influenced my journey.  Some of this pondering has come because of the time of year.  Fall brings these thoughts.  Some of the pondering comes from the changes around me and the need to let go of relationships.  Some of these thoughts come because of age.

As I sit outside today writing these words, the wind is blowing.  I cannot tell where it is coming from or where it is going, but it touches me and brings a refreshment to my soul.  I do not know where my thoughts will take me.  Sometimes, I need to stop them from going down a trail that is not healthy.  Sometimes I need to rest in the thoughts before speaking them or acting upon them.  But in all my thoughts, I am being reminded that God’s Spirit flows through them.

Our thoughts race all over the place.  We think about the future, and it brings thoughts of what will it look like? The feelings of fear sneak into our thoughts. We think about the past, and regret and guilt take over our thought pattern.  We think about today and the list of all that needs to be done plays through our mind.  It can become overwhelming.  Our thoughts seem to race continually through our head and seem to be on the repeat cycle.  They speed up and exhaust us at times.  Many of us go then to the worst-case scenario and image all that could go wrong.  Our thoughts tend to go to the negative first and dwell there for a long time.  This is when anxiety jumps into our thoughts and our thoughts speed up and become jumbled all together.  We cannot distinguish what is real and what is feared.

Therefore, I have begun pondering my thoughts.  It slows me down to rest in one thought at a time.  I think about all the options and possibilities.  I think about how it would play out and who would be affected.  Then I rest my thoughts in the One who knows my thoughts.  On this grief journey, I have come to accept that I will never know the answers nor will my thoughts always have a visible path.  I have grown into resting in God’s peace.  My pondering has led me to give my thoughts to God who in turn gives me peace.  Peace that I do not need a immediate plan of action but to trust that God knows my thoughts and concerns and questions.

I am learning that thoughts are just thoughts.  They are ideas being formulated in our minds.  They come from experiences, dreams, decisions that need to be made, and just random things we see and hear.  Thoughts mingle together in our brains.  Thoughts just like feelings are neither good nor bad on their own.  It is what we do with them that brings a judgment.  I am beginning to give my thoughts to God.  I think for awhile and then realize, I do not know where to go next.  God’s thoughts are greater and higher than mine, so I just ponder until I do not know where to go with the thought and I give it to God so our thoughts can mingle together.

I may feel it is time to act on my thoughts.  I may even feel it is God’s will and direction for my life, but I need to wait for God to move.  I need to wait on God’s ways and thoughts.  So how do I know?  I rest my thoughts with God.  I wait for God.  This never feels natural because we desire to know the next steps and what life will be like.  Faith is believing God is already there in the next step and will take our hand when it is time to take the step.

So let us do some pondering.  Let’s ponder our thoughts and wait for God to direct our thoughts.  Let’s ponder together.

For A Long Time

“Jacob continued to be sad about his son for a long time.  All of his sons and daughters tried to comfort him, but he could not be comforted.  He said, “I will be sad about my son until the day I die.”    Genesis 37:34-35

As summer begins to wind down, and we turn the calendar to September, my soul opens the door of sadness.  September will be six years since my husband, Dave, went to Heaven.  October will be fifteen years since my mom took the journey home.  I will always remember, and the feelings of sadness seem to come closer and linger longer during this time.

“How long will these feelings last?”  “Will I ever get over this grief?”  “Is this how my life will always feel?”  Questions we ask on this journey of grief.  The answers are different for each person.  The reality is that grief will be a part of our lives until the day we die.  Nothing takes away the feeling of loss and grief, we just incorporate it into our lives. 

When Jacob could not be comforted, he was sharing that nothing will take away the hole in his heart.  His dear son will always be missed, and nobody could replace him.  It is an emptiness that cannot be filled.  We have other relationships in our lives that bring us joy and comfort us in some ways, but we do not relate to them in the same way we did our loved one.  Each relationship of our lives is unique and blesses our lives with gifts and graces special only from them.

I am beginning the journey home to Heaven with a dear friend who has lived into his tenth century of life.  As we talked about life, he reminded me that he still has life to live.  He wants to live fully every moment God gives to him.  He has so far.  He has lived with sadness and loss his entire life.  It has helped to shape him and define what is truly important in life.  He will always be my friend.  I will treasure our relationship for a long time.  And when God calls him home to heaven, I will be sad.

Along with the sadness though come the memories.  I will remember for a long time, too.  I will always be sad that I cannot make new memories with Dave or my mom or my friend, but I remember their love and impact on my life.  I remember daily the difference they each made in my life.  As I remember them, I also begin to remember those I have loved and are in heaven with them.  I have come to believe comfort is a form of peace.  The world cannot give true peace nor heal the brokenness of my heart.  Peace and healing only come from Jesus. 

I will be sad the rest of my days on earth because those I have loved are not physically with me.  But my foundation rests not in this world but in eternity where my sadness will turn to joy as I am reunited with all those I love.  Death brings a reunion in Heaven.  Yes, that gives us hope for the future, but we still feel the sadness and loss in our daily lives.  We live in hope but we also live in sadness.  Life will never be the same here on earth.  It is the life we did not choose, but it is the life we have.   

So how do I live in this sadness and still find meaning to my daily life?  Sadness is an emotion, but there are so many other emotions that fill my heart and soul.  Sadness is just one of them.  I live in other emotions too.  It is allowing the emotions to mingle together and create who I am now.  It is living in the moments of life and trusting in the hope of the future in Heaven.

Pleasing

“And a voice from heaven said, “This is my Son, whom I love, and I am very pleased with him.”  Matthew 3:17

I remember as a child, wanting to please my parents by doing well in school, doing my chores, and following the rules.  I did not always meet my own expectations.  As we grow and mature, some of us become “people pleasers.”  We focus on meeting the needs of others at the expense of ourselves.  When I married Dave, while I was independent in my ministry career, I deferred to Dave many times in decisions.  I ate what he liked and made meals based on what Dave wanted.  When I went to the grocery store, I purchased mainly items that appealed to him while buying only a few food items I liked.  I made the choice out of love.

Sometimes in marriages and relationships, one person’s preferences are dominate.  It is not that one does not have an opinion but prefers to defer to the other.  Sometimes this is done out of sacrificial love, and with the truth that it does not really matter.  Other times it is done to please the other person and we lose ourselves in that person.  Decisions while discussed and shared, are made based on the other person’s perspective.  In some marriages, the two have become like one and share the same views or as one widow states – “We just shared a brain.”

When our spouse dies and decisions are left solely to ourselves, it becomes difficult to make even the simplest of decisions like what to buy at the grocery store.  We had become accustomed to deferring to our spouse or getting their input in decisions.  We may have lived our entire married life focused on pleasing our spouse.  It just became natural, and it developed into our way of life.  The person you deferred to may not have been your spouse, but another family member whose opinion and views took precedence in your life.

Now in our grief, we may be trying to please everyone else.  Our family does not want us to be sad and cry, so we hide the tears from those we love.  We attempt to grieve in a way that will not make others feel uncomfortable.  We listen to the advice of others and go to activities we would prefer not going.  We put on the social face when all we really want to do is to be home alone and rest.  We want others to be happy and have a life, so we keep our grief and feelings inside to please them.

Who are you trying to please?  It sure is not yourself.  You may even think you should be better or farther down the road with your grief.  You are not even meeting your own expectations of yourself which makes you feel worthless and question whether you are even really trying.  When you try to make decisions for yourself, you realize you do not know yourself or what you like.  So where do you start?

I found that I had to start at my foundation.  I heard the words The Father spoke to Jesus after his baptism – “This is my son, whom I love, and I am very pleased with him.”  I am God’s child.  God loves me.  God is pleased with me.  This is my foundation.  God is the only one I need to please, and that happens by me loving God and staying close to him.  You will never please everyone nor is it your responsibility to please other people.  You need to be genuinely who God created you to be.  And as you do, you begin to see yourself as valuable and a person of worth who has opinions, preferences, and capable of making decisions. 

I find myself being more straight forward and not agreeing with everybody just to please them.  I have made many decisions which were not understood by others, but they were what I chose to do at the moment.  While I am respectful toward others, my life is not about pleasing other people.  I have to live my own life.  It is the life I have, not what I wanted, but what I currently have.

Grief changes us.  We may have been a “people pleaser” all our lives, but now it seems to require too much effort to please others.  Our priorities change and we recognize we are the only ones who know how we feel.  Our purpose and focus changes.  It is not selfish to care for yourself.  In caring for yourself, you find your true self.  The person who God loves.  We slow down and uncover the foundation of our lives.  You are a child of God.  God is pleased with you when you rest in His presence. 

Source of Nourishment

“Then Jesus took the loaves of bread, thanked God for them, and gave them to the people who were sitting there.  He did the same with the fish, giving as much as the people wanted.” 

John 6:11

In our grief journey, we focus on our feelings and emotions even though we may not be able to name them, we still feel something.  We feel the emptiness and loss.  Our body may take in nutrition from food, but we feel starved and malnourished.  We do not eat healthy but choose food to comfort us.  Comfort does not come but we cling to something familiar.  We may eat very little because nothing tastes good, nor do we desire food.

 I have found in grief a lack of nourishment not just in the body but in the soul. Are you spiritually empty and do not realize it?  When the fog and cloudiness of grief begins to lift, we focus mainly on the physical needs around us.  We take care of daily tasks, the needs of family, and our work.  Throughout the day, our thoughts clamor for attention and swirl all around in our heads.  We feel overwhelmed and exhausted.  We deal with the physical, mental, and emotional part of life and grief, but struggle with who we are spiritually on this journey.

The easiest way to deal with life is not deal with it.  It is not facing the reality of life, and we remain in denial and distraction.  We go through the motions of daily tasks, and then we fall into bed at night to do it all over again the next day.  We may distract through electronics, food, sleep, and a host of other unhealthy ways.  It is OK to stop and just exist for a while.  Sometimes in this existing, we take care of the needs of everyone around us but avoid dealing with our own needs and figuring out who we are now.  We are just not ready to figure out ourselves.

I believe God has more for each one of us.  Pain and loss have a purpose, but it involves a risk, and it seems like hard work to face the pain.  Our instinct is to run from it, but to grow spiritually we need to run toward it.  God does not waste any experience of our lives, bringing good out of every bad, giving us growth and maturity in the hard aches of life.  In the feeding of the five thousand, Jesus multiples the loaves and fish, and after everyone had as much as they wanted, the leftovers were picked up.  God does not waste anything and uses everything to teach us and stretch us to grow spiritually.

The applause of Heaven is not that you handled life perfectly and accomplished everything right.  The applause is that you kept trying and allowed your emotions to be expressed.  You let Jesus into your pain and loss.  You had nothing to give to him but your life and heart that was empty, and he gave to you as much as you wanted. 

Do you want it?  You may say, “I don’t know what I want right now?”  I get it.  It is difficult to focus beyond the pain and loss.  It will always be a part of who you are, but you are more than the emptiness and exhaustion.  Your soul needs nourishment.  You need a foundation for your life.  Everything in your world was turned upside down and you need a foundation to build your new life.  We cannot do this alone.  We are not strong enough on our own nor do we have the power to do this alone.  To begin to build your new life, your need a spiritual foundation.  God is a big God and can take your hurt, your anger, your doubts, and your questions.  Give them all to Him.  Begin by taking a step of trust.  Begin by having a conversation – “Jesus, I need you.”  “Father, take my hand.”  It is a foundation stone.  You are a child of God.  God wants to nourish your soul and give you all you need.  In the scripture of the feeding of the five thousand, all the people did was sit down and Jesus did the rest and fed them until they were full.

Sometimes, all we need to do is sit down and rest from the swirling thoughts, the lists of things to do, the worry and fear that overwhelms, and allows Jesus to come to us. Just sit in his presence and allow your soul to be nourished in the love of Jesus.  Spiritual nourishment does not take away the loss and pain, but gives you purpose and strength to move forward in building a life.  It is what you have now.  Nourish your soul, my friend.

Donation To Life

“Well done, good and faithful servant; you have been faithful over a little, I will set you over much; enter into the joy of your master.”   Matthew 25:21

I received an email this past week – “My mom is nearing the end.”  And two days later, the email said, “Mom died peacefully this morning.  Thank you for your many years of caring about her.  This has been a long road.  I am happy for her but sad for us.”  Oh, the memories that flood my heart and soul of Wilma.  She was the Senior Pastor’s wife at the first church I served on staff.  I remember first her smile and love and acceptance of everyone.  She had a childlike love for life and joy radiated from her soul.  I remember the Christmas I spent with her family because of a winter storm that prevented me from traveling to my family.  The time she stepped on a bat at an evening worship service to protect all the ladies.  I remember her love for Jesus and her family.  The disease took her memory but not my memories of her.

Then I saw the Facebook post.  Justin had died.  The family stated – “Please honor our wishes of not asking questions.”  I did not need to know how he died, but I knew how he lived.  Justin donated his organs to give life to others through Lifeline of Ohio.  I was Justin’s youth minister.  He was involved in Sunday School, Youth Group and Work Camp.  It was at Work Camp, Justin thrived and donated his heart to the needs of others.  He was patient in teaching girls to use a hammer and power tools.  He was dependable and always finished the job.  He was the first to volunteer and the last to leave a work site.

Wilma and Justin were a part of the same church family at one time.  I believe both heard the words, “Well done, good and faithful servant” when they walked into Heaven.  Both gave their lives to Jesus.  They lived their lives and faith differently, but both made a difference in my life.  They donated their life willingly to others and served quietly and humbly.

The sadness and questions come with their deaths.  Why so young?  Why such a cruel disease?  Oh, we could get stuck in these questions, but then we would miss their legacy and impact on our life.  We wonder why God would allow such pain and unfairness.  Again, no answer.  It is changing our focus from how they died to how they lived and how their lives and deaths impacted others.

A friend of Justin’s reminded everyone after his death – “Take the time for family and friends.  Appreciate the time you have.  Don’t take them for granted that they will always be there.”  Life is short and precious.  Relationships matter.  Focus on people not on possessions, work, and stuff so much.  Relationships are the only thing from earth we take to Heaven.

Justin’s death reminded me of three other guys from the same youth group who have died – Jason, Cody, and Andrew.  All died too young and tragically.  No answer to the why.  But I am grateful and humbled to have been their youth minister and to have had a small part of sharing Jesus with them.  Wilma loved me and accepted me as I began my ministry and planted seeds of faith and humility in me.  Because of her love and encouragement, I grew and allowed God’s Spirit to use me in ministry.  This led to sharing Jesus with four young men who received Jesus into their hearts and are now in Heaven with her.

Justin donated his organs to give life to many people, but he also donated his humble spirit especially through work camp and planted seeds of faith and service into the lives of many youth, even those other three young men who are now with him in Heaven.  Wilma donated her life to serve others by being a pastor’s wife.  She lovingly sacrificed and put the needs of others first.

I have begun to recognize those who are now in Heaven who have donated life, love, and faith to me on this journey of life.  Because of their sacrifices, I am further down the road of life and have followed their example of sacrifice and service to others.  We are sad when those we love and care for die.  We cannot stop death or answer the “why” question, but we can rejoice they have been a part of our lives and learn from their life and follow their example.  Donate life in humble service. This is the sacrificial love that Jesus gave to us.  He donated his life and made the sacrifice so that we could be forgiven and have life eternally with him.

The Heaviness of Grief and Life

“Come to me, all of you who are tired and have heavy loads, and I will give you rest.”  Matthew 11:28

She described her grief as a heavy weight all around her.  It was like having this huge bubble around her that weighed her down and was also a barrier to prevent others from entering into her grief and emotions.  The heaviness is exhausting and seems too intense to carry.  She also asked, “If grief is like a hole in our hearts and lives, why is a hole, an emptiness, so heavy?”  If something is empty, it should weigh less, but in grief and life the opposite seems to be true. 

We feel empty inside when our loved one is gone whether in death, divorce, or breakup. Every task seems overwhelming. We would prefer not living this life. Not that we are suicidal, we just do not see the purpose of life without our loved one. The clarity and hope for life that once filled us, has washed away, and created this emotional hole in our heart. Every relationship, task and interaction seem like work and tires us out.

Being tired, exhausted, and overwhelmed are all stages of our grief and even our daily lives.  These are ways our emotions come out physically.  We feel the weariness in our physical body and push ourselves to get out of bed and preform the basic daily tasks of life.  We may fall into bed at night or even throughout the day feeling exhausted and wonder where all our energy and drive has gone.  We look at a list of things to do and feel overwhelmed even to accomplish the simplest of tasks.  This is the heaviness of grief.

In being overwhelmed, we may have the desire to fix life for everyone else – to make sure they are happy, healthy and have all their needs met while ignoring our own needs.  We take on the world and attempt to control our environment and the relationships around us because we could not control the loss.  We need to ask ourselves – “Is this really my responsibility?”  While we desire the ones we love to be healthy and happy, it is not our responsibility to manage their lives.  Being overwhelmed is when we take on roles and tasks that are not part of our purpose and obligation.

Jesus calls us to come to him when we are tired and weary, and He will give us rest.  Oh, that sounds so good, but we do not often come to Jesus.  We believe we need to handle life on our own.  We may feel that we are not important enough or what we are struggling with seems insignificant to all the world’s problems for Jesus to care about us.  Rest is what we really need.  Not just physical rest, but emotional and spiritual rest.  Our society does not value rest because when we take a vacation, we need to travel and be active and do all the attractions.  We come home from “the rest” weary and tired.

I have come to realize in my journey, that rest is so important to my soul.  I admit I do not rest as much as I need to, but I have begun to rest in God’s presence.  When I feel overwhelmed with my “To do” list, I pause and pray – “God, keep me focused on one thing at a time.  One thing completed and move to the next.”  When we focus on all that needs to be done, we are overwhelmed and end up doing nothing.  Pray.  One thing done.  Move to the next.  Then rest. 

Give to Jesus the burden and responsibility for life.  Jesus does not take us out of the grief but helps to carry the heavy load.  We just need to let him into the bubble.  Admit it is impossible to walk this journey alone.  Today I need physical rest.  I push myself to exercise and keep active.  I always have time for others who need to talk and need my assistance.  Today, I need rest from taking on everyone else’s concerns, and I need to rest my soul in Jesus. 

Remember, Jesus helps to carry the heaviness of life.  Jesus does not always remove the burden, but when two people carry the load, it is lighter.  We just need to release control even when control seems like the only thing we have grasp.  Sometimes you need to set down the burden and grief and allow Jesus to carry it and give you rest.  Rest is a needed stage of grief and life.  Rest, my friend!

Living More

“You are God’s children whom he loves, so try to be like him.  Live a life of love just as Christ loved us and gave himself for us as a sweet-smelling offering and sacrifice to God.” Ephesians 5:1-2

I recently preached a sermon in a small church outside my hometown.  The sermon was titled “More Like Jesus.”  The focus of the sermon was to become more like Jesus in the dailyness of life not just in rituals and disciplines of the faith.  Being aware of God’s presence in the moments of life.

As I have walked this journey of grief and life, I have finally accepted that God just loves me.  It is not based on how much I do for Him or how many tasks or disciplines I fulfill.  God loves me for me.  I am His child.  God did not punish me for not being good enough.  He loves me and gives comfort to me because God is my Heavenly Father.  God has walked with me even when I was not aware of His presence nor felt it.

On the journey, I am learning to live more in the present and focus on the moments.  It is living one day at a time and not worrying about what could happen.  I am finding joy in the simple things of life and paying more attention to God’s creation around me.  The clouds have been more intense, and I enjoy watching them to see if I can find images in them – shapes like faces, dogs, and other animals.  I try to watch the sunset each evening.  Sometimes the colors are beautiful and sometimes the sun just goes down as an orange, yellow or pink ball.  Through the sunset, God reminds me that some days have an outward joy and other days may seem plain and ordinary, but we can still find moments of peace.  Yes, we all have tasks and routines and pains and grief, but how do we live more and focus on moments or flashes of God’s gifts around us?

“OK.” You say.  “I know that living in moments and seeing good around me is great, but I feel like I am living in a storm of pain and loss right now.  All I see is the storm.”  I get it.  You have prayed for God to calm the storm and bring healing to your heart, but so far it has not happened.  You go through the motions of your faith, but you are tired of living in the storm.

As I read the Scriptures, I found that Jesus literally walked through the storm. He did not immediately calm the storm, but walked in it and walked toward the disciples who were afraid. I believe Jesus walks with us in our own storms of life. We tend to focus only on the loss, grief, storm, and heartache especially in the beginning. As we journey, it is attempting to change our focus to Jesus not the storm. For it was only when the disciples recognized Jesus and focused on him did the storm begin to calm. Your circumstances may not change, but you will begin to change from within. I guarantee it because I have been there.

I have walked the journey of grief as a pastor with many in the church family, and as a hospice chaplain with many patients preparing to let go.  I even experienced the death of my parents and dear family members.  But nothing prepared me for the emotions and chaos of life when my husband, Dave, died.  Everything changed and my life and hope for the future was shattered.  But what I found in the depth of grief and pain and loss was a deeper and closer relationship with Jesus.  Out of the storm, Jesus took my hand.

The flood of sorrow cleanses the soul of what is trivial and changes the priorities of our lives.  God has put to use what He has put me through.  Because of my own loss, God has placed on my path others who are beginning the grief journey.  God has used my sorrow and loss to bring hope and comfort to others.  I have found purpose in the pain and the storm.  I am living more each day and becoming more like Jesus in the process or at least that is my desire.

Inescapable Grief

“Where can I go to get away from your Spirit? Where can I run from you?”  Psalm 139:7

Last week in my blog, I shared many unspoken stages of grief and asked you to share some of your own stages.  Sarah gave me this stage – “Inescapable Grief.”  Sarah said – “I had a stage where I just felt grief was inescapable – everywhere I turned.  There was no break from it during the early stages.  It did lessen and there were increasing breaks from it over time.  I think sitting with the loss, letting myself cry, talking about it and having a physical place for my grief helped a lot.”

When grief crowds into your life unexpectedly, it seems like it permeates every corner of your life.  You may have predicted it or even began preparing for the death and loss, but nobody prepares for the grief.  It is everywhere.  In all your thoughts, actions and surrounds you in your environment.  It feels like it is choking the little life you still have out of you.  Grief consumes, control and changes every aspect of life.  You attempt to concentrate on paperwork, a task, a work project, and grief takes charge.  It clouds your vision and numbs your thoughts.  You try to distract yourself, but it seeps into your distraction.  You change your environment and grief packs its bag and goes with you.  Grief is inescapable.

We attempt to escape from grief.  We change locations, clothes, habits, and relationships, but grief weaves its way into every aspect of life.  It may not be evident to others around us because we tend to hide it well.  We feel everyone can see the grief, but then we realize others have escaped from the choke hold of grief.  They even seem to be living life without being consumed with the pain and loss.  It hurts that others are not hurting and feeling our pain but it seems impossible to even share with them the hurt we feel from them because of the intensity of our grief.

The intensity of grief changes, but I believe grief lives within us in some form for the rest of our lives.  The longing for the relationship lost never leaves us.  The love we have never leaves us.  So, as I have journeyed down this path of grief, I have turned this negative intense grief that is everywhere into an inescapable love for the one who has been my person.  When I close my eyes, he is there.  When I think of other loved ones who are now in heaven, I close my eyes and remember.  I can see them and recall an event in time when the person was beside me and we shared life together.

Kenny Chesney has a song “When I Close My Eyes” –

              “When I close my eyes, you’re all I see

              In the dark of night, you’re in my dreams.

              Throughout the day. you’re easy to find

              You’re always there, when I close my eyes.”

I have begun to close my eyes, whenever I think of someone I love.  I feel their presence and the closeness of their touch.  In those moments, they are with me, and I feel a sense of quiet peace come over me.  I grieve because they are not with me, but I give thanks for their lives and when I close my eyes, they are easy to find.  They are in my heart forever.  The presence of those I love never escapes from my heart.

In my grief, I have come to accept that God has been with me through it all.  Even when I felt alone, God’s Spirit was always with me.  I did not need to feel God, but trust.  We cannot escape God’s love even when our own pain and loss cloud our view and acceptance.  God is always with us on this journey of life.  I have changed my focus.  I focus on God’s inescapable love and presence.  I will never be outside of His love and care and neither will you.

The Unspoken Stages of Grief

“We know that in everything God works for the good of those who love him. They are the people he called, because that was his plan.”   Romans 8:28

As I was talking with a friend whose husband had died last year, she told me she felt jealous every time she saw an older couple together. She is no longer part of a couple, and she will not have the opportunity to grow old together with her husband. She felt guilty of her feelings and said that it was not a stage of grief. I told her that yes, it was a stage of grief. I began to think of all the unspoken and hard to admit stages of grief.

We all have read Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’ stages of grief – denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. As we know, grief is not linear, and we go through numerous feelings throughout our grief.  Many of these feelings and stages we are afraid to name and admit to anyone even ourselves.  Let me name some of these unspoken and rarely named stages of grief and get them out in the open to ponder and admit.

“I don’t care to live” stage is not a suicidal stage but a feeling that it seems impossible to live without our loved one. It usually includes the stage of “Not getting out of bed” or going back to bed throughout the day.  It seems too hard to face the emptiness of life and to even see a possibility of moving forward in life without our loved one.  If you are in these feelings and stage, give yourself permission to be here without guilt.  It is a journey. 

“I just want to run away” stage happens throughout grief when everyday life seems overwhelming, and the day-to-day tasks seem to be a huge wall that we must climb.  We want to run away from reality and not face the fact that our loved one is not physically present.  We want to run away from the pain and darkness of grief.  We want to run away from family and friends and be alone, but we also want to run away from the loneliness.  We may feel this way even without grief.  It is part of the journey of life.

“I don’t want to eat” or “I eat everything that’s not healthy” stage.  We may eat very little at phases of grief.  We may eat the same thing every day for months.  I did this.  It was easier not to put thought into food, so I ate the same thing.  It made going to the grocery store quicker and I did not have to prepare food.  We usually choose comfort type foods that may not be as healthy knowing we need to eat something.  It is trying to see food as nutrition not a part of grief or emotions as we progress through this stage.

The “Fall apart” stage happens when we least expect it.  It is connected to the “I cannot stop crying stage.”  The frequency of these feelings may slow down with time, but the feelings can still be intense. This is because the love never ends, and we encounter life events our loved one will never experience.

While anger is one of the five stages of grief, we rarely admit we feel like slapping someone and telling them off.  Yes, this is a stage of grief.  I call it “the punching bag” stage because hitting someone for what they said out of a desire to help is not healthy.  We want to punch something.  So having a punching bag or pillow is a better alternative.  We need to release these feelings in a healthier way.

The “control” stage happens throughout our lives not just in grief.  When we cannot control what happens in life like the death of our loved one, we try to control the environment around us.  We feel that if we can control things, we will feel better and the pain and hurt will not be as intense.  Not a true statement.  We fool ourselves that we can have control over another person or our situation.  It is releasing control to God.  Very hard to do, I know.  Which can move us into the stage of “Let it go.”  It is releasing control and releasing our emotions.  It is not letting others control us, too.

As we walk the journey, we enter the stages of “It is what it is” and “Live in the Moments.”  These are stages of reality.  We have the inability to change what has happened – it is what it is, so I need to live in this moment.  It is challenging ourselves to be present and live in what we have and who we are.

You know I could go on and on with stages of grief. I hope you will share with me some stages you have recognized on your grief journey. God is working good in all of your lives. It is not what you would choose. But I believe God brings good out of all situations. God is using what you have been going through to bring you into His saving grace. To bring healing into your heart and hope into your life. It is bringing purpose and meaning out of the circumstances of your life. It is being able to be of help and support to others beginning the journey.

So, tell me, what stages have you experienced?

Turn Off The Dark

“The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light; those who dwelt in a land of deep darkness, on them has light shined.”  Isaiah 9:2

As a child, I remember having to do chores on the farm sometimes when it was dark outside.  I did not like going into the barn in the dark.  It was not so much that I was afraid of the dark, but I was afraid of what creatures lurked in the dark.  I remember turning on the lights in the sheep barn and having rats run in front of my feet.  I always screamed at that sight.  I remember having an outside light shining in the barnyard as security, and it always gave light to my bedroom.  I had a huge nightlight illuminating the darkness.

I have been reading the book, Through the Eyes of a Lion by Levi Lusko.  It is his journey through the impossible pain of the death of his five-year-old daughter, Lenya and finding incredible power and hope in Jesus.  One of the chapters in his book is entitled, “Turn Off The Dark.”  I have been pondering these words and the powerful description they give to grief.  Darkness consumes us and envelopes us into this deep cavern of grief and despair.  We feel the darkness of loneliness, fear, despair, and the loss of hope and meaning.

No matter how much light we put on the hole in our heart, the hole always remains.  Nothing seems to change the dark hole of grief.  Early in our grief, darkness consumes almost every moment.  We feel the gut punch of the grief in the darkness.  It is difficult to take a breath in between the intensity of the pain.  We barely survive each moment and even wonder how we could ever live.  All we see is darkness around us.  Our foundation of life and faith tells us there is light, but we cannot see it and feel nothing in this dark pit of grief.  We wonder what lurks in the dark.

As we crawl down the path our greatest desire is to turn off the dark.  We are not ready to see the light and live in the light of each day.  We just want the darkness not to be so intense.  We are just trying to survive.  We attempt to take some breaths without feeling the depth of the pain and hurt.  The darkness almost becomes comfortable.  It is what we know, and we feel if we come out of the darkness, we will lose our connection with death and our loved one.  Our focus remains on how and why our loved one died.  The darkness represents death, and that is where our mind and thoughts stay.  We stay in the dying.

Then, we begin to walk the path of grief and as we move farther down the path, we notice a glimpse of light that flickers in the distance.  The dark has less control.  We are grieving but also living.  We function in daily life and have moments where we experience good and have some peace.  Life is different, and we begin to focus on how our loved one lived life not just how they died.  They lived and brought light and life into our lives and the world.  Oh, we have moments that darkness still consumes, but they are moments.  We are learning to live more focused on the increasing light not the consuming darkness. 

Who turns off the dark? I believe it is Jesus. He is the light of the world. (John 8:12) Through Jesus’ death on the cross, he conquered death. Death and darkness are no longer in control. Jesus brings light into the dark. He turns off the dark with his light. In our grief, we may know that Jesus is with us, but the dark consumes us for a time. It is having a hope of a hope that someday we see Jesus’ light and believe our loved one is in Heaven surrounded by the light and love of Jesus. Jesus shines His light of love and hope into our darkness of grief. He turns off the dark and guides us to focus on the love that never dies.

Here on earth, there will always be darkness, but Heaven is filled with light – the light of Jesus.  In our grief, we work toward turning off the dark and allowing the light of Jesus to shine in the darkness of our pain and hurt.  It is a process. We may turn off the dark and live in the numbness of existence for awhile before light begins to permeate the dark.  Turn off the dark and allow the light to begin to come into your world of grief.  Death and darkness is not in control.  Heaven is full of light where Jesus and our loved ones dwell.  They are surrounded with light and love.  Our loved ones’ light still shines in our hearts.  Take steps toward the light.  The light of love that is in our hearts through our loved one and through Jesus.  Turn off the dark and focus on the glimmers of light that are breaking through.

Turn off the dark!

What Do You Want?

“But no one asked, “What do you want?” or Why are you speaking to her?” John 4:27

I recently saw a boat with the name “WANTneed.”  What do you want?  A want is a desire, and it is different than a need. We are seeking people trying to figure out who we are and what is our purpose in life.  We desire to be loved and to be accepted.  The woman at the well in the fourth chapter of the Gospel of John had a want and desire.  I have always connected to her story as a woman.  She was rejected by others and felt totally alone.  Why else would she come in the middle of the day to the well when nobody else was there? She was seeking more in her life but did not know how to find it.  She tried relationships and they did not work.  She tried religion but did not understand.  She was seeking a purpose to life but being a woman in the first century, she had no worth or purpose to society.  She just existed and daily survived until she encountered Jesus.

Jesus knew all about her and still loved her.  He gave her life purpose and filled her with the living water of life.  Jesus did not change the circumstances of her life.  He gave her purpose and meaning in her current life.  Jesus did not change her relationships with others but revealed to her who he was – the Messiah, the Christ, the Savior of the World.  But most importantly, her Savior and the person who loved her.  The woman had been attempting to do it all on her own and kept messing up her life.  Jesus comes into her world and changes her view of herself and her world.

What do you want in your grief?  We all desire to wake up from this nightmare and have our loved one with us.  This is not physically possible.  So, what do you desire on this grief journey?  You may be experiencing life like the woman at the well – just existing and barely surviving each moment.  You do not see purpose or meaning in your life right now.  Give yourself permission to be where you are right now.  It is OK.  We have all felt this way in our grief for moments and periods of time.  This is a natural part of grief.

Some of you are living in the reality of grief.  What do you want?  This is a difficult question to answer because nothing in life is clear and decisions are impossible to make.  You know life goes on, but it is not the life you chose.  How do I live in this new and different life?  You want to find purpose and meaning in this chapter of life.  This is difficult because the one you want to share life with and who gave meaning to your life is no longer with you.  What are you seeking now?

In grief, our view of possessions and what has value has changed.  The things society regards as valuable seem to pale in comparison to the love we have lost.  We all want to be loved but love now comes in a different form.  Love comes through memories.  Love comes through shared time.  Love comes in unexpected relationships.  Love comes from the One who is Love.  God is love, and in our grief we turn to the one who loves us and comforts us.  We recognize God has never left us even when we have been angry and blamed him for the death.  Jesus told the woman at the well, “I am he.”  I am the Messiah.  I am the one you have been seeking.  I am the one you didn’t know you were really looking for as you went from relationship to relationship.  Jesus speaks to us too – “I am he.”  I am the one who comforts you.  I am the one who understands your grief.  I am the one who will continue to walk with you in this journey of life.  I am with you. 

That is really what we want.  We do not want to be alone.  We want to feel the presence of our loved one.  We want to feel the love.  Jesus is love and Jesus is with us.  Yes, life is different than we expected and wanted.  But this is the life we have. We thirst for something to quench the parchedness of grief.  Grief leaves us empty.  We may feel almost dead inside.  But Jesus comes to quench our thirst and basically give us life again.  He gives us living water.  That means, he sits with us until we are able to walk with him.  He nourishes us on his word and presence.  He gives us hope when life seems hopeless.  It is trusting when we cannot see and believing even when we feel like there is no hope. 

What do you want?

Ponderings On The Water

“Then they saw Jesus walking on the water and coming near the boat and they were terrified.” Mark 6:19

As I took a cruise across the Peace River, God spoke to me through the water. On my way to the boat, I heard on the radio the song, “Footprints on the water.” I smiled as I thought about where I was going. Would I see Jesus’ footprints on the water today? Well, God shows up everywhere and today was no exception.

First, the sun came out for the first time this week, and it was a beautiful trip across the water. God spoke in the beauty. As I watched the rough waters and some white caps, I thought about how life has its rough times even when we are moving forward. As we cruised, dolphins joined us from time to time swimming beside the boat and jumping through the waves. They just glided gently through the water and seemed to love showing off and jumping out of the water.  I thought of how even in the rough times of life, God brings moments of joy and laughter even in our grief and sadness. It is good to smile in our tears and recognize there is good even in the tough moments of life. It is not all bad. It is not all good either, but God is always good and always present even when we doubt.

We had taken the cruise to an island that we had never explored. We were given a map and told when to return to the marina for the trip back across the water. Not knowing what the adventure would bring, we moved forward. Made some choices that could have gone better but we survived and learned our way. This reminded me of the Journey of grief.  We start where we have never been and try to figure out the next steps. We take some choices that as we look back now could have been better, but we learned and grew. We encountered some helpful people along the way and some who were just present. On the island I encountered some friendly and helpful people and others who were lost or who just ignored me. That is life.

On our way home, I noticed that the captain kept his eye on two fixed objects on the horizon and steered the boat toward the objects. While he used all the instruments on the boat, those objects were key to keeping him focused and going straight.  The captain could have steered all over the water, but he had to follow his depth finder to keep him from sand bars and shallow water. The captain kept his eyes on the horizon and the goal.

In our grief, we feel we go all over the place and run aground on sand bars and have no focus or direction. When we fix our eyes on Jesus, the water may still be rough but we have someone with us in the waves of grief. Jesus will take our hand when we cry out to Him. In my grief, the water has been rough, but Jesus has been present. Jesus has left footprints on the Water to guide my path on the rough waters.

As we ponder where we are in life today, look around and see how far you have come and follow the footprints that will continue to guide your way.  Pondering is a good way of looking at life.

On The Way

“But on the way he (Jesus) had to go through the country of Samaria.”   John 4:4

As I listened to the pastor preach on the woman at the well scripture in the Gospel of John, the words “But on the way” jumped off the page.  Jesus was on his way to a destination.  He had a purpose in his life, but to arrive to this place, Jesus had to go through the country of Samaria.  In the city of Sychar, his purpose that day was to talk with the woman at the well and reveal to her who he was.  Samaria was a place Jews avoided, but Jesus intentionally chose to walk through it. 

We each have a purpose and a final destination in life.  Our destination is eternal life with Jesus in Heaven, but the paths on earth have different terrain and obstacles.  We are on the way and must go through places we would have rather avoided.  Many situations and events happen we would not intentionally choose, but we encounter them on the way.

In my grief journey, I have taken so many different paths.  Many that others would not have chosen.  I did not choose the grief, but I have intentionally chosen ways to deal with it.  I have moved five times and look forward to the next move.  I am not only on a journey of grief but a journey of living locations.  Nothing feels completely right and home, so I have decided to live in the adventure of different locations.

On the way, I have added new relationships and let go of others.  The experiences and love I have shared will always be a part of who I am, but the people may not be physically present in my daily life.  My heart remains full of memories and love from those I have loved.  My view of marriage is different now.  It is a companionship and friendship that has helped the loneliness and given me a travel buddy.

On the way, I begun to define and understand grief not as something you get over or something you stuff down inside of you, but something that becomes a part of you.  You learn to live in grief and accept that you will always have moments of sadness, but also moments of thankfulness that your life and the life of your loved one connected and you walked the path of life together for a time.  On the way, I have learned that love never ends, and love remains in my heart forever.

On the way, I like the woman at the well, have walked and talked with Jesus. I have shared the deepest part of my hurt and pain with Jesus. Jesus has sat with me and given me the refreshing living water of life. Only Jesus knows my heart and pain. While Jesus has walked with me all my life, the grief journey has brought me to a deeper level of closeness and a willingness to admit I need someone to carry the load. I have had to admit to myself, I cannot push through it or handle the intensity alone. No person can fill the hole, only Jesus understands.

On the way, I have made some decisions that were not healthy or good, but I have learned from them, and they have been a source of help to others.  I have been able to guide others to not go down that path.  On the way, God has placed others who are grieving and because of my journey, I have been a support and guide.  I do not have the answers or know the right path for others.  All I can do and all that I am doing is sharing my journey and what I have learned in my grief hoping that it will be of support to others.  My life journey through grief was not what I had planned, but God put on my path the experiences that have led to who I am and given me my purpose.  We are all on the way.

The Next Right Thing

“Think about the things that are good and worthy of praise.  Think about the things that are true and honorable and right and pure and beautiful and respected.”  Philippians 4:8

In the Movie, “Frozen II,” Anna sings the song – “The Next Right Thing.”  Here are part of the lyrics -

“I’ve seen dark before but not like this.

This is cold, this is empty, this is numb.

The life I knew is over, the lights are out

Hello darkness, I’m ready to succumb

I follow you around…

This grief has a gravity, it pulls me down

But a tiny voice whispers in my mind

You are lost, hope is gone

But you must go on and do the next right thing.

I can’t find my direction, I’m all alone.

The only star that guided me was you. And true

How to rise from the floor

When it’s not you I’m rising for

Just do the next right thing.”

As I listened to this song, it describes grief in such a profound way.  Grief is a darkness that envelopes us and pulls us down.  In the beginning of our grief, we feel lost without hope.  We have no direction because our loved one guided our path.  Our purpose in life has changed and it seems impossible to go on without our loved one.  But as we continue down this path of grief, the reality of life is revealed.  This is now our life.  We must go on, but how?  This song states, “Just do the next right thing.”

How do we know what the next right thing is?  I have come to accept that the next right thing is doing just the next thing.  It is completing something.  In our grief, it is difficult to think with a cloudy mind and to make decisions.  I have learned over time, to slow down and complete one task at a time.  Our minds may have thoughts circling all around and so much is undone.  I just complete whatever is in my mind first or whatever I see first.  It helps give me confidence and I can complete something else.

In dealing with anxiety, this concept is helpful.  Anxiety focuses on the future and all that needs to be completed.  If we slow ourselves down and just do the next thing, we can live and be in the moment instead of so far into tomorrow.  When thoughts begin racing of all that should be done and we have created a “to do” list which seems overwhelming, we need to slow ourselves down.  Take deep breaths and pray, “God, hold my hand.”  Breathe in God’s Spirit and out our anxiety.  One moment at a time.  Finish one thing and move to the next right thing.  Stay in the present and do not rush ahead until one task is behind you.

It is keeping our thoughts focused on what is good and right and true as Philippians 4:8 states.  What is in your thoughts?  Our thoughts go all over the place and usually build up inside our head and then spin around and around.  Even in writing this blog, I had so many things circling in my head.  I had to stop, pray, and keep reminding myself to finish one thing before doing the next right thing.  It is becoming more God focused than self-focused.  In my grief journey, I am learning to live in each day, each moment and not worry about what happens next.  It is doing the next right thing and living in the next right moment.

Slowing Down

“If we walk in the light as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another.” I John 1:7

For the past fifteen years, I have run almost every morning.  It is my prayer time and quiet time with God.  This year, I have run every morning four miles no matter the weather.  My companion dog, Annie, has run with me for almost nine years.  Over the past month, she has waited for me to go around the field instead of running each mile.  Two days ago, she went two laps and ran back to the house.  She was done.  Yesterday, I ran one lap around the field, and she just waited for me.  Today she did not run at all.  Today was a sad day for me.  My companion runner of nine years no longer can run.  Now, we will slow down and walk together.  Do I still run?  I plan to run, but how will it be to run alone?

This reminded me of our grief journey.  We run together with our loved one the path of life.  We weather different storms and keep moving together no matter what life gives to us.  It is a daily life, and we are thankful for companionship.  And then a day comes when our loved one can no longer run with us.  Do we keep running?  Do we change paths?  Do we slow down?

On our grief path, we may stay active and keep busy and not want to slow down.  Sometimes we want to run away from dealing with the grief, or we are just not ready to deal with the reality of death.  We need to stay busy and active out of fear if we stop, we may slide down into a despair and not be able to dig ourselves out.  We may also stay busy in our work environment because it is the only place our loved one was not involved.  Work becomes a place that is “normal” when everything else is different.  Or we may stay busy because that is just how we process life.  Activity keeps us moving and keeps our mind focused on other things.  We may need the activity to give our feelings and emotions time to process.

We live in a world that values productivity and staying busy.  We may feel if we slow down and rest, that it is wrong.  We may feel guilt in taking time to rest and heal our souls.  The world is going by us and we may feel we have to get back into the race.  But is that really what we want or need to do?  During COVID shut down the pace of life also slowed down.  As life begins to gear up again, we wonder if we want to jump back into our old pace of life.  We have had time to reflect on what is important during this time.  In grief, our priorities change as well as our focus of life.  The activities that used to bring us pleasure and joy are no longer fulfilling.

Slowing down may feel like giving up, but it is just contrary to the view of society.  God calls us to “be still” (Psalm 46:10) and to listen to His quiet whisper (I Kings 19:12).  We cannot hear God in the fast paced, busy world.  It is being willing to be quiet and still and face the feelings and emotions of our life, and allow God to be present in the pain, heartache, and loneliness.  God walked with Adam and Eve in the garden, and God desires to walk with us.  Sometimes we run ahead believing we can handle it or if we keep busy, we can run away from the feelings.  Eventually grief catches up with us.

I find myself slowing down in my ministry and work and spending more time in the quiet moments of life.  I sit and watch the sunset most evenings.  I sit in the presence of God and just be quiet more instead of filling the time with words.  Now, I am reflecting about my running.  I have noticed my hip and knee hurts more.  Maybe it is time to consider a different form of exercise and prayer time.  In our grief, we need to slow down and re-assess what we used to do and see if it is what we want to continue to do in this different life.  Slowing down and being still is the only way to go in a different direction and to reflect on what is around us.

The Box of Grief

“You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy.”    John 16:20

 Each person shared their story, not just in words but in the emotions on their face.  Each person had experienced loss.  They knew that the others in the room accepted them because they had experienced the loss of a child.  The women around the table knew that the one next to them understood something about their pain and loss.  Each was grieving.  There is something comforting to be with others who have experienced similar loss and pain.  They know.

While grief and loss are different for each person, we each have our story.  Some want to tell the story over and over, while others keep the story close to the heart and do not reveal the details.  The journey is one’s own and by sharing it and letting others into the story, it feels like one loses the intimacy of the relationship.  Other people share the story of their loved one so that others know the specialness of the person and the legacy continues in someone else’s life.  In grief, both ways are healthy, it just depends on the individual.  If the story is spoken or kept within the heart, the emotion of loss still connects people.

When you know the person next to you has experienced a similar loss, the communication deepens and emotionally we experience an acceptance.  They get it.  They know the emotions you are feeling.  You need not apologize for tears, for the hurt and pain.  You are allowed to feel and share the rawness of your feelings.  But what happens when you are in a situation when the emotions are inappropriate for you to express them like in a work environment or celebration setting?  How do you deal with those intense grief feelings? 

Some people in grief, just choose not to be social in their grief for fear of becoming emotional and not being able to control the pain and heartache of the grief.  Isolation is natural in grief.  We fear being told it is time to move on and that it is time to stop grieving and being so emotional.  We never know what will trigger the intensity of the grief.  Stuffing it down inside just leads to depression and it comes out in physical issues.

I am a visual person and have had to find a way to deal with grief when the situation prevents me from expressing it.  I have created a “grief box” in my head.  When the grief becomes intense and I have no place to escape or no time to deal with it, I take out this imaginary grief box and put the pain and hurt and emotions in it, and I put the box in my pocket.  I tell myself that I cannot face this right now, but later when I am alone I will take it out of the box and allow my emotions to be expressed through tears, sadness, anger, hurt and all the other emotions attached to this intense grief. 

After I have dealt with that intense moment, I put the grief box back into my pocket.  I know that grief will always go with me.  Just like my loved one is always in my heart, my grief is always a part of me.   I do not want to stuff it inside and not face it.  I carry it with me.  Even in times when I want to enjoy moments with family and friends, I put the grief in the box and enjoy moments of fellowship with family and friends.  Oh, the grief is there, but it is tucked in my pocket.  It is not the focus for these moments. 

Jesus knew his disciples would grieve when he died.  Jesus knows we will grieve, but grief is not all there is to us.  It is always a part of us, but we can still have moments of joy and moments of celebrations even in our grief.  It is knowing both grief and joy can reside in the same time. 

Memories, Sadness and Gratefulness

“Thank the Lord because he is good. His love continues forever.” Psalm 107:1

As I looked at the pictures of my mom and my husband Dave, memories flooded my mind.  My heart was full of the love and the memories of times shared together.  I just sat and reminisced in my mind.  I remembered the birthday party for my mom and the joy of sharing in the day.  I remembered the trip with Dave and the joy of just being together on the adventure.  They were beautiful moments of memories.  The photos are physical reminders of their presence in my life.  But then the sadness broke my heart.  Neither one is physically present.  The hole in my heart produced the tears and sadness.

I talked with a daughter who had lost her dad.  The memories relived through the boxes and boxes of photos brought moments of joy.  She remembered how her dad was always with her for love and support.  Her life revolved around knowing her dad was always her rock.  But then the sadness overwhelmed her knowing he was no longer here on earth. The grief was intense.

We have all been there in our grief.  Some of you have not been able to even look at pictures of your loved one because the reality that they are no longer present is too painful to face.  To see their photos creates the intense pain that they are not with you.  It becomes too real, and we are not ready to face the reality that our loved one’s life has ended here on earth.  They will not be present in all of our tomorrows.

We remember.  How can we not remember?  We loved them.  They loved us.  We were connected heart to heart.  We cannot imagine life without them.  Memories flood our minds continually but are interwoven in deep sadness and hurt.  We are so afraid if we stop being sad and grieve, we will lose our connection.  We stay focused on how our loved one died and the death.  We may relive the death over and over in our minds and feel the deep pain and sadness of those moments.  Our sadness is about their death.

What connects us to our loved one is not death but life.  It is how they lived and how we lived life with them that gives their life meaning and purpose.  We have loved them because they have been a vital part of our life.  Our loved one has made a difference in who we are, and our life experiences involved them and their influence. 

We never forget and will always have a sadness that comes with the memories, but when we focus on living not dying, we become grateful and thankful our loved one was in our lives.  They live on in us and all we learned from them continues which is their legacy of love.  I have become so grateful for my parents and grandma who instilled in me my faith, my love for nature, my work ethic, my love for family, my connection to the church and the list goes on and on.  It is because they lived, that I have a foundation of faith and life.  The foundation is because of life, not death.  I am thankful for my husband, Dave, and how we walked the path of life together.  I am thankful for the confidence he instilled in me and how God blessed us together and though our lives intertwined we each grew and built upon our foundation of faith and life.

When I focus on life, I am grateful, when I focus on death, I am sad.  When I allow myself to live in the memories and feel the joy and life that the memories bring, I am sad for moments that I will not be able to add to the memories, but I give thanks that I have them.  I would rather have the moments of sadness than to have never had my loved one in my life.  I am grateful for whatever time I had.  It would never have been enough no matter the years.  I am thankful for the hope of Heaven and that I will be reunited with all those I have loved in the Lord.

So I live in memories, sadness and thankfulness!

The Labor of The Hole

“Blessed are the dead who from now on die in the Lord. Yes…they will rest from their labors for their deeds follow them.” Revelation 14:13

“The death of one that belongs to the Lord is precious in his sight.” Psalm 116:15

Several months ago, I asked my siblings to share some of my parents’ favorite sayings.  My dad always said, “Ditto cabbage head” and “Any dummy can do it.”  My mom always quoted many of the old sayings about nature like “three snows after the forsythia blooms.”  My oldest brother, Edwin, after some reflection said, “I don’t remember any sayings of mom, but she was a prayer warrior.”  My mom prayed.  She prayed for family.  She prayed for situations.  She prayed for the needs around her.  She prayed. 

As I reflect on Mother’s Day, it is one of my sad days because my Mom is not physically with me but is in Heaven.  I miss talking with her daily.  I miss her wisdom.  I miss just sitting with her.  I miss her recipes and her love for chocolate and baking.  I miss her smile.  So much I miss about my mom, but what I miss the most is her prayers.  I knew that she was praying for me daily.  If I talked with her about a situation or a need, the first thing she did when the conversation was over was to pray about it.  My mom prayed without ceasing and lived in constant communication with God.  Knowing I was being prayed for by my mom, gave me a sense of peace and security.

Recently a friend told me one of the holes in her life since her husband died was the constant communication and texting throughout the day they shared.  She missed having someone to text that cared about the little things that happened and to receive a text from the one person who could make her smile when life was difficult.  The need for communication and connection is a hole that forms in our lives when our main person dies.  We grieve the security and support.  We grieve not having someone who cares about the little details of our lives.  We miss the one person with whom we want to share the details and dailyness of life.

Mother’s Day is a reminder of my mom and those who have taken on the role of “mom” in my life at various churches I have served.  Women who have poured their love and care into me and treated me as family.  They have been a gift from God in supporting me on the journey and encouraging me.  But nobody can fill the hole of my mom’s prayers.  Her prayers were a labor of love.  It was my mom’s calling in life to pray for her children, grandchildren, and extended family.  I know she prayed in her garden, on her swing, in her chair and while working in her kitchen.  Every place was a holy haven of prayer.

The scripture in Revelation 14:13, states that those who die in the Lord will rest from their labors, but their deeds follow them.  My mom is in Heaven and rests with her Lord and Savior, Jesus, and her deeds of prayer have followed her to Heaven.  Is she still praying for me and her family?  I believe she is.  But the hole in my heart on earth is still here because she is not physically present with me.  The hole though, is paved with my mom’s prayers.  Her prayers remain.  Her deeds of prayers are part of the foundation of my life.  As I feel the absence of her love and support, I also feel her prayers continue to surround me.  The hole that my mom leaves in my heart is held together with her prayers.

My mom also inspires me to keep prayer at the center of my life.  I talk with God on my morning run, throughout moments in the day and have become aware of God’s constant presence with me on this journey of life.  The deeds of my mom have left a legacy of love in the hearts of her children and family.  I continue to pray for my family just as my mom did.  Her labor of love is her legacy. 

In our grief, acknowledge the holes in our hearts created by our loved ones.  But also recognize the holes are lined with love and prayer.

Perspective in The Different

“People can make all kinds of plans, but only the Lord’s plan will happen.”  Proverbs 19:21

I have been a list maker all my life.  I make a “Things to Do” list with big projects and then a list for the daily tasks.  I enjoy crossing things off the list, but it seems I add more as soon as I cross something off.  I have completed lots of big and small projects with my list.  I am one that usually does not ask for help with projects on my list.  I feel a sense of accomplishment in completing the list, but I also wonder if I did enough for the day to regard the day as a successful day.  We live in a society that is performance based – the more we accomplish, the better the person we think we are and the more loved and accepted we will be in relationships and even with God.  At least that is what we are led to believe.

In grief, the list can be a tool to help us just function.  It can be as simple as – get out of bed, brush our teeth, take a shower, get dressed. And even those basics seem too difficult to accomplish at certain stages of our grief.  We do not like asking for help in our grief.  Sometimes we just push ourselves trying to make life feel “normal” for others in the family.  We are doing the work of two people sometimes and wonder why we are exhausted and not achieving completion at the end of the day.

This different life changes our perspective on what is important in life.  The daily worries of others seem to be so trivial now that grief has entered our daily life.  Our priorities change and the list of things to do have lost their importance. At first, I just completed the essentials and my counseling schedule.  Just to survive a day without my husband was a huge accomplishment.  Then came projects and productivity.  I wanted to sort and organize all my stuff and create scrapbooks.  It was good for awhile but it did not fill the emptiness.

I have traveled this grief journey trying out many paths to find a way to live in this different life. I have moved from house to condo to house to rental to someone else’s house. I have moved to different areas of the state. I have stayed busy with work and ministry focusing on the needs of others. I have tried new relationships. I have changed my diet. I have run daily. I have watched movies. I have tried different friendships. I have changed relationships. I have….. Yes, I have had an adventure in this grief journey looking for something or someone to fill the emptiness of my life.

I realize I have had these different experiences on this grief journey so that I can relate to others on the journey.  I have tried things others only think about and now I can share with them my experience and the good and not so good that came from it.  I can share what I learned about myself by doing it, and because of what I now know, I would have changed or not done.  It has all had a purpose, and I believe it will help someone else on the journey.

As I reflect on my journey through grief, I have come to understand it is not what I have done on the journey that has given me peace and hope but just being and resting in God’s presence.  I have slowed down and even stopped writing daily lists most of the time.  I have surrendered to God’s will and plan instead of my own.  I ask each day who God wants me to contact.  I am not focused on accomplishing tasks as much but enjoying moments with God.  The emptiness is still present, but it has become a part of me.  It is a place where love still dwells.

My perspective on life has changed.  My priorities have been re-defined.  What I thought was so important, no longer has value or influence.  I worry less and live in the present more.  I hold onto God’s hand and live more in moments.  I am sad and recognize the hole is still in my heart.  Life is different and how I live and experience life will always be different.  It is just a different perspective, but the same God who holds my hand.