The Unspoken Stages of Grief
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“We know that in everything God works for the good of those who love him. They are the people he called, because that was his plan.” Romans 8:28
As I was talking with a friend whose husband had died last year, she told me she felt jealous every time she saw an older couple together. She is no longer part of a couple, and she will not have the opportunity to grow old together with her husband. She felt guilty of her feelings and said that it was not a stage of grief. I told her that yes, it was a stage of grief. I began to think of all the unspoken and hard to admit stages of grief.
We all have read Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’ stages of grief – denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. As we know, grief is not linear, and we go through numerous feelings throughout our grief. Many of these feelings and stages we are afraid to name and admit to anyone even ourselves. Let me name some of these unspoken and rarely named stages of grief and get them out in the open to ponder and admit.
“I don’t care to live” stage is not a suicidal stage but a feeling that it seems impossible to live without our loved one. It usually includes the stage of “Not getting out of bed” or going back to bed throughout the day. It seems too hard to face the emptiness of life and to even see a possibility of moving forward in life without our loved one. If you are in these feelings and stage, give yourself permission to be here without guilt. It is a journey.
“I just want to run away” stage happens throughout grief when everyday life seems overwhelming, and the day-to-day tasks seem to be a huge wall that we must climb. We want to run away from reality and not face the fact that our loved one is not physically present. We want to run away from the pain and darkness of grief. We want to run away from family and friends and be alone, but we also want to run away from the loneliness. We may feel this way even without grief. It is part of the journey of life.
“I don’t want to eat” or “I eat everything that’s not healthy” stage. We may eat very little at phases of grief. We may eat the same thing every day for months. I did this. It was easier not to put thought into food, so I ate the same thing. It made going to the grocery store quicker and I did not have to prepare food. We usually choose comfort type foods that may not be as healthy knowing we need to eat something. It is trying to see food as nutrition not a part of grief or emotions as we progress through this stage.
The “Fall apart” stage happens when we least expect it. It is connected to the “I cannot stop crying stage.” The frequency of these feelings may slow down with time, but the feelings can still be intense. This is because the love never ends, and we encounter life events our loved one will never experience.
While anger is one of the five stages of grief, we rarely admit we feel like slapping someone and telling them off. Yes, this is a stage of grief. I call it “the punching bag” stage because hitting someone for what they said out of a desire to help is not healthy. We want to punch something. So having a punching bag or pillow is a better alternative. We need to release these feelings in a healthier way.
The “control” stage happens throughout our lives not just in grief. When we cannot control what happens in life like the death of our loved one, we try to control the environment around us. We feel that if we can control things, we will feel better and the pain and hurt will not be as intense. Not a true statement. We fool ourselves that we can have control over another person or our situation. It is releasing control to God. Very hard to do, I know. Which can move us into the stage of “Let it go.” It is releasing control and releasing our emotions. It is not letting others control us, too.
As we walk the journey, we enter the stages of “It is what it is” and “Live in the Moments.” These are stages of reality. We have the inability to change what has happened – it is what it is, so I need to live in this moment. It is challenging ourselves to be present and live in what we have and who we are.
You know I could go on and on with stages of grief. I hope you will share with me some stages you have recognized on your grief journey. God is working good in all of your lives. It is not what you would choose. But I believe God brings good out of all situations. God is using what you have been going through to bring you into His saving grace. To bring healing into your heart and hope into your life. It is bringing purpose and meaning out of the circumstances of your life. It is being able to be of help and support to others beginning the journey.
So, tell me, what stages have you experienced?
