The Box of Grief
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“You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy.” John 16:20
Each person shared their story, not just in words but in the emotions on their face. Each person had experienced loss. They knew that the others in the room accepted them because they had experienced the loss of a child. The women around the table knew that the one next to them understood something about their pain and loss. Each was grieving. There is something comforting to be with others who have experienced similar loss and pain. They know.
While grief and loss are different for each person, we each have our story. Some want to tell the story over and over, while others keep the story close to the heart and do not reveal the details. The journey is one’s own and by sharing it and letting others into the story, it feels like one loses the intimacy of the relationship. Other people share the story of their loved one so that others know the specialness of the person and the legacy continues in someone else’s life. In grief, both ways are healthy, it just depends on the individual. If the story is spoken or kept within the heart, the emotion of loss still connects people.
When you know the person next to you has experienced a similar loss, the communication deepens and emotionally we experience an acceptance. They get it. They know the emotions you are feeling. You need not apologize for tears, for the hurt and pain. You are allowed to feel and share the rawness of your feelings. But what happens when you are in a situation when the emotions are inappropriate for you to express them like in a work environment or celebration setting? How do you deal with those intense grief feelings?
Some people in grief, just choose not to be social in their grief for fear of becoming emotional and not being able to control the pain and heartache of the grief. Isolation is natural in grief. We fear being told it is time to move on and that it is time to stop grieving and being so emotional. We never know what will trigger the intensity of the grief. Stuffing it down inside just leads to depression and it comes out in physical issues.
I am a visual person and have had to find a way to deal with grief when the situation prevents me from expressing it. I have created a “grief box” in my head. When the grief becomes intense and I have no place to escape or no time to deal with it, I take out this imaginary grief box and put the pain and hurt and emotions in it, and I put the box in my pocket. I tell myself that I cannot face this right now, but later when I am alone I will take it out of the box and allow my emotions to be expressed through tears, sadness, anger, hurt and all the other emotions attached to this intense grief.
After I have dealt with that intense moment, I put the grief box back into my pocket. I know that grief will always go with me. Just like my loved one is always in my heart, my grief is always a part of me. I do not want to stuff it inside and not face it. I carry it with me. Even in times when I want to enjoy moments with family and friends, I put the grief in the box and enjoy moments of fellowship with family and friends. Oh, the grief is there, but it is tucked in my pocket. It is not the focus for these moments.
Jesus knew his disciples would grieve when he died. Jesus knows we will grieve, but grief is not all there is to us. It is always a part of us, but we can still have moments of joy and moments of celebrations even in our grief. It is knowing both grief and joy can reside in the same time.
