Memories, Sadness and Gratefulness

“Thank the Lord because he is good. His love continues forever.” Psalm 107:1

As I looked at the pictures of my mom and my husband Dave, memories flooded my mind.  My heart was full of the love and the memories of times shared together.  I just sat and reminisced in my mind.  I remembered the birthday party for my mom and the joy of sharing in the day.  I remembered the trip with Dave and the joy of just being together on the adventure.  They were beautiful moments of memories.  The photos are physical reminders of their presence in my life.  But then the sadness broke my heart.  Neither one is physically present.  The hole in my heart produced the tears and sadness.

I talked with a daughter who had lost her dad.  The memories relived through the boxes and boxes of photos brought moments of joy.  She remembered how her dad was always with her for love and support.  Her life revolved around knowing her dad was always her rock.  But then the sadness overwhelmed her knowing he was no longer here on earth. The grief was intense.

We have all been there in our grief.  Some of you have not been able to even look at pictures of your loved one because the reality that they are no longer present is too painful to face.  To see their photos creates the intense pain that they are not with you.  It becomes too real, and we are not ready to face the reality that our loved one’s life has ended here on earth.  They will not be present in all of our tomorrows.

We remember.  How can we not remember?  We loved them.  They loved us.  We were connected heart to heart.  We cannot imagine life without them.  Memories flood our minds continually but are interwoven in deep sadness and hurt.  We are so afraid if we stop being sad and grieve, we will lose our connection.  We stay focused on how our loved one died and the death.  We may relive the death over and over in our minds and feel the deep pain and sadness of those moments.  Our sadness is about their death.

What connects us to our loved one is not death but life.  It is how they lived and how we lived life with them that gives their life meaning and purpose.  We have loved them because they have been a vital part of our life.  Our loved one has made a difference in who we are, and our life experiences involved them and their influence. 

We never forget and will always have a sadness that comes with the memories, but when we focus on living not dying, we become grateful and thankful our loved one was in our lives.  They live on in us and all we learned from them continues which is their legacy of love.  I have become so grateful for my parents and grandma who instilled in me my faith, my love for nature, my work ethic, my love for family, my connection to the church and the list goes on and on.  It is because they lived, that I have a foundation of faith and life.  The foundation is because of life, not death.  I am thankful for my husband, Dave, and how we walked the path of life together.  I am thankful for the confidence he instilled in me and how God blessed us together and though our lives intertwined we each grew and built upon our foundation of faith and life.

When I focus on life, I am grateful, when I focus on death, I am sad.  When I allow myself to live in the memories and feel the joy and life that the memories bring, I am sad for moments that I will not be able to add to the memories, but I give thanks that I have them.  I would rather have the moments of sadness than to have never had my loved one in my life.  I am grateful for whatever time I had.  It would never have been enough no matter the years.  I am thankful for the hope of Heaven and that I will be reunited with all those I have loved in the Lord.

So I live in memories, sadness and thankfulness!