Pain to Memories

“Be strong and courageous.  Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”  Deuteronomy 31:6 (NIV)

Recently I watched Disney’s remake of “Cinderella.”  In this version, before Cinderella’s mother dies, she talks to her daughter and tells her two things to remember – “Have courage and be kind.”  Cinderella promises her mother she will.  After her mother dies, Cinderella and her father are in a meadow together running and playing together and the words spoken are – “we are turning our pain into memories.”

In our grief, we feel the deep pain of loss.  We cannot imagine going on with life and the hole in our lives is impossible to fill again.  Pain is central in grief.  We feel the emotional pain of losing our main person with whom we shared life, our thoughts, our adventures, and just daily life.  When we awake, for a moment life feels good, but then we remember our loved one is no longer physically present, and we feel the heartache.  As time goes on, the intensity of the pain lessens, and we begin to focus more on the memories and our time together.  Oh, the pain is still there and the hole in our life never heals, but the memories bring a smile and a thankfulness that our loved one lived.  Memories and pain become a part of who we are.

The movie unlocked memories of my own mom.  I miss my mom and long to talk with her, but I am thankful for the memories I pull out of my heart and mind each day.  As I remember, I take a journey down memory lane and walk again with my mom.  I remember what she taught and how she lived her life.  My mom was strong and had courage, and like Cinderella’s mom was kind and instilled kindness in her children.  The legacy of my mom lives on in each of her children.  It gives us hope and courage in the face of the difficulties of life just like it did for Cinderella.

After Cinderella’s dad died, and the evil stepmother and sisters entered her world, she tried to live by her mother’s words – “Have courage and be kind.”  It was difficult to do in the face of evil.  It is difficult to live our faith in the midst of pain and grief.  Oh, we believe in God’s presence and comfort, but the emotional pain clouds our faith.  It is in these moments we go beyond feelings and trust God is with us even when we feel abandoned and alone.  We can cry out in the darkness and God still listens.

Cinderella cried out into the darkness when life turned painful, and she refused to believe in the magic that her mother told her would also be with her.  While we do not believe in magic, we are called to believe God is with us even when we are struggling.  Even when it feels like life is overwhelming and one thing after another falls apart.  Believe.  It is not our strength but God through us.  Courage and kindness come from God.  We need to believe and accept God’s Spirit that dwells within us.

Live in the moments of memories of your loved one.  Allow a memory to seep into your being and penetrate the pain.  Memories are a gift from God.  Yes, we want our loved one to be with us physically, but what we have are the memories of their life, their love, their humor, and how they made a difference in our life.  Live in the memories that they become a foundation for who you are and who you are becoming.  Believe even in the pain and grief that God is with you, holding you close.  The pain is there but so are the memories.  God is with you in the pain, and God helped create the memories.

The Atrophy of Grief

“Lord, have mercy, because I am in misery.  My eyes are weak from so much crying, and my whole being is tired from grief.”   Psalm 31:9

The pastor used the word “atrophy” in his sermon and my mind remembered when I first heard this word.  I was on staff of a church and one of the pastors had been diagnosed with ALS (Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis).  In the disease the muscles eventually atrophy, that is, the nerve cells break down which reduces the function of the muscles.  The muscles become weak and begin to waste away.  I watched Judy’s muscles waste away as the disease progressed and eventually took her life.  Atrophy is a wasting away, a gradual decline in effectiveness or vigor, to diminish, or a decline in development.

Grief has an aspect of atrophy.  When we experience loss, it feels like our physical body is breaking down, and we barely function in life.  Nothing feels normal, and we feel ineffective to deal with the day-to-day routine of life.  It feels like we are wasting away without a desire to be active.  We are weak due to the emptiness and loss of the one we love.  Physically we may go through the motions, but emotionally and mentally the atrophy has taken over. 

We may feel “stuck” in our feelings and in the grief and loss.  It may seem this is how life will always be without meaning and purpose because the grief is so overwhelming.  We take on the guilt and responsibility of the loss, or we cannot imagine figuring out how to live with the hole that is permanently in our heart.  Our thoughts seem all jumbled inside our head, and the numbness of our emotions overflow into our physical body.  We feel numb to life, numb to emotions, and numb to any hope of being able to function naturally again in life.

Weak.  We feel weak because of the physical drain upon our body through all the events and the roller coaster of emotions.  We also feel weak that we are not able to pull ourselves together and function.  We think we should be stronger and be able to push through all of it.  We make it out of bed but taking a shower seems like way too much work.  And if we do make it to take a shower and get dressed, we wonder why we bothered because it did not make life any better to face. 

Some of you have some distance from these raw emotions and have begun to strengthen your ability to function and have begun to live in the moments of life.  Some of you are right in these emotions and the atrophy of grief has a grasp upon you.  Give yourself permission not to fight these emotions but to experience them for moments and then distract yourself.  Our bodies can only deal with the intensity of grief in moments.  We become weak from our crying and tired from the heavy load.  Tears cleanse the soul while sleep gives us some moments of relief and healing.

Our soul and body also atrophy when we are not in communion with God.  When we rely only on our human frailty, the grief consumes us.  It is when we cry out to the Lord for mercy like the Psalmist did and allow God to be our strength that God will carry us when we have nothing left within us.  Through my grief, I have learned that I am not strong on my own, and I need to depend on God.  It is not a sign of weakness or weak faith, but a trust that will sustain me as I walk the journey.  I have had to be still and heal and accept that life will never return to normal.  It will be different.  I am different, and I will never be who I was.  That is OK, because I am becoming who I am with God’s strength. 

Emptiness

“Don’t be afraid.  You are looking for Jesus from Nazareth, who has been crucified.  He has risen from the dead; he is not here.  Look, here is the place they laid him.”   Mark 16:6

We celebrated at Easter that the tomb was empty.  Jesus conquered death.  He is risen.  He is risen indeed.  In the celebration, I heard the word “empty.”  The tomb being empty brought fear that someone stole the body but also a hope that what Jesus said about himself was true – that he would rise from the dead in three days.  I heard the word “empty” earlier in the week when my friend said she now answers when asked, “How are you feeling?” with – “I feel empty.”  Her empty is not a celebration.  It is a loneliness. 

We know what empty is in “normal” life.  When we open the refrigerator and it is almost empty, we know a trip to the grocery store is needed soon.  We look at the gas gauge on our vehicle before we head to the store, and the gauge is close to the “E” so we stop at the gas station on our way to the store.  Our stomach begins to growl, and we realize we have not partaken of a meal yet.  We recognize empty in things around us and even in our stomachs.  These “empties” can be filled by preforming the necessary tasks.  But what about the emptiness within us?

We see the empty chair, the empty bed, the empty house and feel the emptiness inside of us.  Grief is in this space, but it does not fill the space.  Nothing fills the space.  No person, no food, no event, nothing new, no possessions, nothing.  Oh, we may try a few different things for awhile that cover up the emotions and feelings.   We may stay busy to avoid feeling the emptiness, but nothing fills the void in your life after a loved one has died.

We experience the emptiness of disappointment.  Life did not turn out the way we had planned.  We had so many hopes and dreams, and they are shattered because of death.  We anticipated growing old together, but death ended that dream.  We feel a part of us has been torn away.  We see others enjoying happiness and laughter together, and we feel a twinge of anger because it is not us.  We are disappointed that nothing fills the void.

We may believe in Heaven and that Jesus’ resurrection gives us the gift of eternal life.  We believe our loved one is in heaven, but there is an emptiness in the unknown.  What is heaven like?  What are they doing?  Do they know what is going on with me and our family?  It is difficult at times to trust in the unknown.  We know are loved one is whole and complete and without pain, but do they know the hole they left in our hearts and lives?  Our faith believes and trusts, but the emptiness within us wants assurance.

The emptiness also comes in not knowing what life will be like now.  We feel empty inside because a part of us is gone.  Our loved one made us complete with purpose and hope.  Our lives are different.  It is overwhelming trying to maneuver the obstacles of life and make decisions alone.  The empty space that once was filled with our loved one will always be empty, but the grief journey calls us to live in the other places of our lives.  Oh, we never stop feeling the hole, but we begin to live with that emptiness as a part of who we are now.  In this different life, we recognize who comes beside us.  The one who emptied the tomb and conquered pain and death, Jesus.

Jesus comes to us in a different way just as he did with his disciples.  He was still Jesus, but now he was resurrected and promised to be with them in Spirit.  There was an emptiness for the disciples that Jesus would not be physically walking with them as he had for the past three years, but he would be with them through his Holy Spirit.  Our loved one stays with us in our hearts and our spirits are forever connected.  The physical emptiness will always be with us, but it is trusting in the loving spirit that will remain in us.  It takes a step and sometimes a leap of faith to accept and believe this different connection.

The Eyes of The Soul

“Then the Lord turned and looked straight at Peter.”   Luke 22:61

“Now, my God, may your eyes be open and your ears attentive to the prayer offered in this place.”  2 Chronicles 6:40

Her eyes opened and were fixed.  They did not move around to see her loved ones but looked beyond all of us.  I knew she was seeing beyond this world, beyond those in the room.  He opened his eyes, and they were clear blue.  Clearer than they had been in months.  He looked up and his eyes twinkled.  He closed them, and then he was gone.  He looked at me and said nothing verbally, but his eyes spoke of deep love as they filled with tears.  The eyes of death.  I have witnessed many eyes of the dying.  They no longer see the physical world but are fixed on the spiritual realm.

Our eyes.  We have different colors and shapes of eyes.  Some wear glasses or sunglasses.  During this pandemic, eyes are about the only part of a person we have seen when wearing a mask.  I have seen fear in people’s eyes, afraid of being too close to another person.  I have seen loneliness just wanting someone to recognize them or connect with them.  Many people hide behind the mask and do not speak to others.  We do not see another person’s smile behind the mask.  What do your eyes reveal about you?

In our grief, we fear looking at others because we believe they will look deep into our soul and see the pain and hurt.  Or worse, they will not see it.  Our eyes are the window to our souls.  We may try to hide the pain and grief, but someone who has felt the pain and hurt will recognize it in our eyes.  I have seen the emptiness and loneliness in the eyes of those who have lost the love of their life.  I see because my eyes have reflected that same pain and hurt.  Oh, we try to hide it from others, and many do not see it because they have never felt the depth of grief.  When I look into the eyes of someone who is grieving, I see into their soul what they try to keep deep inside.  It wells up into our eyes and sometimes comes out as tears.

Through Holy Week, as I read the scriptures on Jesus’ journey to the cross, I began to imagine the eyes of Jesus.  What did he see?  What was in the eyes of Jesus?  Jesus looked at the crowds on Palm Sunday and saw joy and excitement in eyes of the children who waved palm branches and sang.  Jesus saw the innocence in them.  Jesus went into the temple and threw out those selling and exchanging money. There was anger in Jesus’ eyes because of the disrespect for God and the loss of meaning to the Temple.  Jesus looked into the eyes of each disciple as he washed their feet.  He looked with compassion on those he loved and walked this earth with for three years.  He knew they did not understand, but he loved them.  Jesus looked at Judas knowing he would betray him.  Jesus looked at Peter knowing he would deny him.  Jesus looked with love upon his mother and the disciple he loved.  Jesus looked at the thief on the cross and accepted him.  Jesus looked deep within the soul.

Jesus looks deep into our soul.  He understands our pain and grief.  His eyes reflected that same pain and grief.  He looks with compassion on our loneliness, and quietly surrounds us.  He sees our need and quietly sits with us in our hurt and pain.  He stretched out his arms and died for us to conquer death forever and give to us and our loved one eternal life with him.

Look today in the mirror.  Look into your own eyes.  What do you see?  You may see the pain, loneliness, and emptiness of your life.  You may see the spark fading within you.  You may see fear and uncertainty for your next steps.  Believe that God is looking deep within you with His love and compassion.  You are not alone.  Look this week into the eyes of someone you trust and who loves and accepts you with all your feelings and emotions.  Jesus was resurrected and looked with love into the eyes of the disciples who had denied him and ran away in fear.  They received compassion as they looked into Jesus’ eyes.  We do too. 

“Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in his wonderful face, and the things of earth will grown strangely dim in the light of his glory and grace.”

More Than A Feeling

“For we walk by faith, not by sight.”   2 Corinthians 5:7

“I feel sad.”  “I feel angry.”  “I feel numb.”  “I feel lonely.”  “I feel irritable.”  “I feel…”

Feelings.  Sometimes feelings are difficult to name because they are all mixed up together.  Feelings create turmoil within us, and we experience the effects of these feelings in our stomach, heart, and head.  We hear, “You shouldn’t feel that way.”  Nobody can tell us how to feel.  Feelings are just that, feelings that are within us.

I watched feelings pour out of the eyes of my family.  I saw feelings wrap around the hurt as hugs.  I felt the intense sadness as they tucked her into the casket and the lid closed.  I heard the emotion of the songs and my heart remembered bringing tears.  The smell of the flowers brought feelings of beauty but also a sadness because of why they were there.  I tasted the food at the meal and while it was good, it was also a reminder of why we had gathered.

Feelings bring memories and trigger our own feelings of walking the journey.  We may try to suppress these emotions but they well up inside of us and many times begin pouring out of our eyes.  We may try to be “strong” for others or not want to express these feelings with others.  We may hold them inside and finally they come out at inappropriate times or ways.  If we bottle up our grief, it can turn into depression or come out in moments as anger. 

Feelings are emotions, sentiments, sensations, passions, and affections within us.  Feelings describe our senses of touch, smell, taste, hearing, and sight.  We usually associate good feelings as warm and fuzzy sensations within us.  There are days feelings are all over the place.  We feel very emotional, confused, uncertain, and anxious about life.  Feelings themselves are neither good nor bad, it is the expression of the feelings or lack of that can lead to unhealthiness.

Naming our feelings and emotions is the first step in facing them and dealing with them.  For instance – “I feel sad and lonely because my person I talk with and share life with is no longer physically present.”  The hole in our heart seems overwhelming and taking any steps in life seems impossible.  We “feel” like we are falling with nothing or nobody to catch us.  It is admitting to ourselves how we feel.  It not apologizing for feeling, but it is figuring out what we do with those feelings.  Sometimes we need to admit these feelings and emotions will always be a part of who I am and that it is OK to have them.  The feelings do not make you weak or less of a person.  They are just who you are.  It is figuring out how you live in your other relationships with these feelings and how you live in this different life.

In grief, our desire is to “feel” our loved one’s presence.  What does that really mean?  We want to feel them close to us and have the warm sensation of their loving presence.  We may receive this gift of warmth and closeness for a moment, or we may need to just trust in faith that our loved one’s spirit is within our heart.  The love never leaves, but there are moments we want to feel the love and not just trust it is there.  It is the same with our relationship with God.  We trust by faith that God is with us even when we do not feel His presence.  We walk by faith not just by what we feel.  God is present even when we cannot sense His presence.  God will give us a sense of peace in the midst of the grief.   Give yourself permission to feel the emotions of grief.  Also, give yourself permission to not to be overwhelmed by the feelings.  However you feel is how you feel.  It is owning these feelings are now a part of who you are.

It Happened...Again

“Death where is your victory?  Death, where is your pain?  Death’s power to hurt is sin, and the power of sin is the law.  But we thank God!  He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.”   1 Corinthians 15:56-57

It happened again – death.  It came unexpected.  Unwanted.  But it did not care.  It still came, leaving behind pain, heartache, tears, and emptiness.  The image forever etched in my head, playing over and over again like a horror movie that will not end.  The tears flowed.  The family devastated.  Heaven opened and received one of its own.

I sat with my brother and nieces as my sister-in-law, my brother’s wife and my nieces’ mom and grandma began this unexpected journey of letting go of this world and entering into the next place.  The tears.  The shock.  The pain.  The letting go.  Giving permission to go but wanting to hang on to life.  The conversations.  Time seeming to stand still and feeling so surreal.  Wanting life to slow down but too difficult to stay in this intense emotion.

I began this week officiating at the funeral of a retired trooper’s wife who was a friend.  We celebrated her life and shared memories together.  Her life focused on caring for her husband who is also beginning the journey of letting go of this world.  I ended the week with the death of my sister-in-law.  In between, I counseled those walking the journey of grief and loss.  Death leaves a powerful sting, pain and hurt in our lives.  The death of a person, a relationship, a dream, a hope, a life.  They are all a type of death.

As I walk the journey of death with others, my personal experiences replay in my mind.  It is a picture that will never leave my mind and heart.  Those last moments with our loved one is forever cemented in our mind.  Some of us had the privilege of being with our loved one and witnessing the last breath.  It is a very holy moment when Heaven opens and receives one of its children.  Many times, a person’s eyes open and fix not on things on earth, but on things in Heaven.  They look beyond those around them. I believe they begin to see the spiritual world and see Jesus.  Many people reach and become restless as they let go of this body and release the last of their energy.  They use up themselves.

We come to a place where we do not want our loved one to continue to be in pain and to suffer and we pray for them to let go.  We even give them permission to let go, but in our hearts, we want them to stay.  We do not want them to leave us.  We cannot image life without them.  We pray for God’s will.  We pray for a miracle.  We pray for healing.  Every time God heals.  Some time the healing is physical, and other times the healing is perfect releasing our loved one from this world of pain and suffering. 

Death does not have the final word.  God does.  God has given us victory over death through the death of his Son, Jesus.  Jesus conquered death and paid the debt we owe giving us hope and eternal life through Him.  Yes, we may know and accept Jesus’ victory over death, but death still comes.  It still brings pain, heartache, and a deep loneliness.  Death changes life.  Life is so different when death enters our lives.  But death is not the end.  It is the beginning of eternal life.  We trust our faith and live in this hope.  I believe that is the only way we can even survive when we experience the death of our loved one.  We hold on to the hope of Heaven.  We feel the emptiness of life, but we also have the hope that our loved one is perfect and at peace with Jesus.  We also have the hope that we feel their love and spirit within us forever.

Death.  It happens over and over again.  It will always hurt.  It will always bring tears and heartache.  But it will always bring hope and victory through Jesus.

“O victory in Jesus, my Savior forever!

He sought me and bought me

With his redeeming blood;

He loved me ere I knew him,

And all my love is due him;

He plunged me to victory

Beneath the cleansing flood.”

Living Consistently

“Always be joyful.  Pray continually, and give thanks whatever happens.  This is what God wants for you in Christ Jesus.”    1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Who am I now?  This is the main question as we journey further down the path of grief.  Your life has dramatically changed, and you are different because of this loss.  At times, we get upset with ourselves thinking we should be “better” by now or further down this path and not feel the pain and hurt anymore.  Give yourself some grace.  You have experienced the greatest loss of your life – your companion, your friend, your future, your focus, and who you were with this person.  It takes time to figure out yourself again.  You may have lived for the other person, always putting your loved one first over your own needs.  Now it is just you.

So where do you begin?  I believe you need to find your foundation.  What have you built your life upon?  It is having a secure and sure foundation.  To be secure is to place your trust in what is unchanging.  Your life has completely changed, and you feel so unstable and unsure when it comes to making decisions for your life and future.  When we try to walk this journey of grief and life alone, we fall apart quickly.  On my grief journey, I have come to depend even more on my faith and commitment to God.  I am dependent on God for each moment.  This dependency has led to being in communication with God throughout each day.  It is having a conversation and sharing my need. 

When nothing in life is “normal” ever again, we need to find some consistency in who we are and create a different life.  Consistency is not the same as a routine.  Routine is good and helps us get out of bed and function in daily life.  Consistency is deeper.  It is having a constant in your life.  My constant is Jesus.  Through my grief, I have grown closer to Jesus.  Holding Jesus’ hand when feeling so alone and lost. Talking with God throughout the day because nobody is near and finding that this conversation is healing and more fulfilling.  In our grief, our faith may seem to falter and doubt enters our mind, but it is then we recognize the constant unchanging presence of Jesus. 

As I talked with a group of widows this past week, the consistent comment was that their relationship with God has grown stronger and deeper in their grief.  Nobody could fill the void in their life left by their loved one, but God was consistently present reassuring them of His love, grace, and Holy presence.  When nothing in the world seems to matter anymore, God steps in and reminds us that He is present in this world, with our loved one in Heaven and gives us the hope of the future with Him.  But most of all, God reminds us that in this changing world, He never changes.

God calls us to life.  We are called to choose to live the life we did not choose.  We did not choose the loss of our loved one.  Life happened and now we have this huge hole in our hearts and lives.  We were not consulted about the timing of this tragedy and now this chaotic and mess of a life is what we have.  We have a choice.  We can fight against the wave of grief or we can ride the wave and choose to live in the life we did not choose.  In choosing to live, we begin with the foundation of our faith.  In Thessalonians, Paul reminds us to be joyful which to me is to choose life.  Joy has nothing to do with happiness. Joy is an inner peace in the midst of turmoil, pain, and grief.  It is a choice to live.  Next Paul challenges us to pray continually which is to be aware of God’s presence each moment and pull closer to Jesus on this journey.  And then Paul boldly calls us to give thanks.  We are not thankful for loss, but thankful for the gift of life.  We give thanks that in choosing to live, God is consistent in His love, grace, comfort, and mercy.  Live consistently.

The Judgment of Grief

“Then Job replied, “I have heard all this before.  What miserable comforters all of you are.”  Job 16:1-2

We live in a world of judgment, criticism, and comparison.   When someone is unwilling to listen and understand another person’s perspective, they place a judgment on another.  This occurs in politics, in the church, in the education field, and even in grief.  Yes, even in grief.  Many of us have experienced the judgment of grief usually from people we know. 

Comparison grief – “my grief is worse than yours.”  Or “you can’t be grieving that much; you were only married a short time.”  Critical grief – “Why are you still crying?  It’s time to get over it and move on.”  Judgmental grief – “You should be doing something with your life instead of being sad all the time.”  Oh, all of you who are grieving could add to this list of hurt and pain inflicted by family and so-called friends who say they have your best interest in mind.  It is just that they do not understand grief and how grief is not something you get over but is now a part of who you are and will always be.

Some people make this judgment because they do not want to face and deal with their own emotions brought on by grief and would prefer living in denial of death and their own mortality.  They may not have experienced the depth of love and it does not make sense how a person could grieve and miss another human being.  They want to live in their own little world and pretend grief will never affect them, and therefore, prefer not facing grief.

Other’s place a judgment that you are not grieving enough or in what they regard as appropriate.  You may have gone back to work right away after the death of your loved one, not because you were not grieving but because you needed to stay busy or have something in your life that had not drastically changed.  You may not outwardly show your emotions, and others place a judgment that you do not cry or are not sad outwardly, therefore, you must not be grieving.

The other part of judgment in grief comes from our own self-judgment.  We tell ourselves, “I should be better by now.”  “I should be able to function.”  I should not be crying still.”  And the list goes on and on of the “should” and “should nots.”  We need to rid our grief of these negative statements.  However you feel is ok and a part of the grief journey.  When we force ourselves to move quicker through the healing of grief, we cause more pain and heartache.  We need to release the self-inflicted judgment and give ourselves permission to walk the grief journey in whatever is right for each of us.

In our grief, we feel life goes on for everyone else around us.  We wonder how they can go forward when our life has stopped and has totally changed.  We place a judgment on family and friends for continuing to function normally in life when we are barely existing from day to day. The last thing we want in our grief is judgment. We need comfort and support and acceptance.

Job experienced the judgment of his friends instead of comfort and mercy.   God is our comfort.  God loves us no matter how we feel, no matter what we are going through.  God does not judge us and tell us to get over it.  God does not deny our grief and sadness but walks with us and even carries us in the pain and heartache.  We need to begin to accept that people in our circle of relationships may never understand our grief.  It is seeking out others who allow us to continue on this path of grief.  Stop judging yourself and thinking you should be at a different point in your grief.  Accept where you are and allow yourself to slowly heal and take steps with the grief.

Spirit To Spirit

“Because I have said these things, you are filled with grief.  But I tell you the truth: It is for your good that I am going away.  Unless I go away, the Counselor will not come to you, but if I go, I will send him to you.”                   John 16:6-7 (NIV)

As I began to write today, seven male cardinals landed in the yard near the bird feeder.  Each day for the past several weeks at least one male cardinal has landed in the yard during breakfast or lunch.  For many of us, the red cardinal is a spiritual sign that our loved one is attempting to contact us.  Cardinals give us the assurance we are not alone.  We feel a spirit-to-spirit connection and a sense of comfort and peace when a cardinal enters our visual space.  Many times, this happens when we need the reassurance that somehow our loved one is with us.

For me, the hawk has been the symbol for this spiritual connection.  My husband, Dave always spotted hawks on our travels.  I have a framed picture of a hawk that we purchased years ago.  It is one of three main pictures I have kept through all my moves and downsizing.  Dave’s nickname in high school football was “Hawk” because his eyes were always on the ball.  As I travel now, I always see a hawk, and I feel safe and protected.  Because Dave was a State Trooper, I believe I see the hawks the most when I travel giving me the assurance I need to make the journey.

In a recent conversation, someone stated that she just wanted to know if her husband was aware of what was going on in her life and wanted to feel a connection to him.  As I reflected on her need, I was drawn to Jesus’ conversation with his disciples before he was crucified.  Jesus had compassion on his dear friends, and I am sure his eyes were filled with tears as he told them he was going away.  Some of us remember those last conversations when we knew our loved one was dying.  We each tried to stay brave for the other, but tears were in our eyes and hearts.  We did not want to say “Good-bye” and many of us said, “See you later.”  Our hearts were breaking.  Jesus recognized the grief and heartache of his disciples and gave them the promise, “I am sending a Counselor to be with you.”  That Counselor, Helper, Advocate is the Holy Spirit, which is the Spirit of Jesus that dwells within each believer.

Our souls never die and go to Heaven to be with Jesus.  Our bodies are part of this world and stay here.  We receive a new Heavenly body.  So what about our spirit?  Our soul is the heart or essence of who we are.  Our spirit is our presence.  When we think of our loved one, we remember his spirit of life and joy.  We remember her spirit of passion for relationships and adventures.  The spirit of our loved one is what lives on in us and through us. 

So if Jesus goes away but leaves his spirit, I believe that when our loved one goes away, his/her spirit remains with those whom he/she has been in relationship.  It is a presence that is with us.  We do not always feel the Holy Spirit’s presence, but our faith tells us the Holy Spirit is with us.  This is trust.  At times, the powerful presence fills us and flows in and through us, but most of the time the Holy Spirit is a quiet constant presence within us giving us hope, comfort, awareness of God’s active presence, and a sense of peace.  There are physical reminders of God’s Spirit through worship, prayer, songs, a butterfly and even a cardinal or a hawk.  These physical reminders also occur with our loved one – pictures, songs, possessions, places, and cardinals.  Sometimes we feel the presence and sometimes we need to just trust that the presence is with us.  I believe in this spiritual connection.  It gives me peace and comfort knowing that God connects spirit to spirit.

Stay Longer

“I asked you to stay longer in Ephesus when I went into Macedonia so you could command some people there to stop teaching false things.”    I Timothy 1:3

As I listened to the pastor preach on this Scripture where Paul is writing to Timothy and encouraging him to stay longer in Ephesus, I heard God speak to me about what staying longer means in our grief.  God calls us to stay longer in the emotion of grief and not ignore how our lives have completely changed.  We are not to stay in denial but to begin to feel the pain, hurt and loss.  Staying in these emotions are sometimes overwhelming but are needed for healing.  As we stay longer in the grief, we begin to figure out who we are in this different life, and deal with the issues and changes caused by the death.

God calls us to remain in Him and be still.  To stay longer in His presence and allow His Spirit to comfort us in our sadness. God wants us to feel His presence and to know we are not alone even when we feel so lonely.  Staying longer in God’s presence also helps us to listen to the still small voice within us and to quiet the world.  It is waiting for God’s leading on this journey.  Stay longer in the quiet.  Stay longer in just being still.  Stay longer in the uncertainty because your thoughts and mind need time to gain focus and make decisions.

In this staying time, we hear numerous false teachings about grief.  Statements are made by even well-meaning family and friends that are not helpful or true about grief.  It is not that they are heartless and mean, it is just that they have not experienced the depth of grief that has brought you to this point in your life.  Some of those false teachings in grief include – “you will get over this.”  “You should be over this by now.”  “The pain and hurt won’t last long.”  “You will love again, and then you will be fine.”  “You won’t miss him in a few months.”  The list is endless.

Just as Paul sent Timothy to stop the false teachings about Jesus, we need to recognize the false statements of grief and not feel shame, guilt or fear and anxiety because we still are grieving.  Stay longer in your emotions so that you can face them and accept grief as a part of your life and foundation.  Grief is not bad or wrong, grief is about love.  We grieve because we have loved deeply.

I thought I was ready to take the next adventure, but God said, “Stay longer.”  God continues to slow me down and speak to my heart.  I need to remain in His presence and listen to His purpose for being here in this time and place.  When we stay, we may help someone else on the grief journey.  We may also strengthen the foundation of who we have become because of our grief and loss.  We begin to accept our feelings as part of who we are and learn positive ways of living in these feelings.

Give yourself permission to stay longer in the emotions of grief.  To give yourself time in heal from within not just in outward appearance.  Healing is about integrating the grief, pain and loss into our hearts and lives.  As we do, we become more compassionate and more aware of the grief in others and in daily life.  Grief is not just about death but about all the losses and disappointments of life.  Stay longer in the feelings and mingle the sorrow with the joy.

The Fellowship of Grief

“All the believers were of one heart and mind…and there was warm fellowship among all believers.”                        Acts 4:32-33

As we prayed together in worship, the tears flowed as we remembered a dear believer who was now in Heaven.  The last time he was in worship, he prayed over the offering and now we were overcome with grief as another tried to pray.  We were a community of believers who had the identical feelings and emotions.  We were grieving the loss of someone who had always been there and greeted us with a smile, a warm handshake, and his Christ-like spirit.  It was a sacred and holy moment when our hearts were connected in grief and in celebration of a life well lived who was now in Heaven.

As I had dinner and conversation with a group of widows, I felt an emotional connection with these ladies.  We all had experienced the loss of our husbands and grief was the common factor in our fellowship.  We were all on the journey, each at different stages but on the same path in this different life.  As we shared, I knew that our desire to be a support to other widows beginning this journey was from God, and I was trusting God’s plan.

When I heard about a friend whose husband had died, I remembered my grief as I began the journey.  But I also grieved for her because she would not experience the fellowship of friends and family at visitation.  No service was scheduled and a plan for a celebration of life was set at a later date.  COVID has brought the lack of fellowship at funerals.  Grieving families no longer hear the stories and memories.  They do not receive the hugs, the lines of people waiting to express sympathy, and hear the impact their loved one made on people’s lives.

I walked into the church building.  A place where I have connected with the fellowship of believers, but whom I have not seen for almost a year.  Even if churches are meeting on Sundays, the restrictions of social distancing and masks prevent the warm hugs and handshakes that helped us feel connected to other believers.  Our hearts are one in Jesus, but we desire the touch and hugs of fellow believers.

What is fellowship?  The dictionary defines fellowship as “companionship, company, a community of feeling or experience.”  We are fellow travelers as the body of believers.  We have the common connection of our faith in Jesus.  Fellowship is more than what or who we have in common, it is also the feeling or emotion within our hearts.  It goes deeper.  The fellowship of grief is not that we have the same person in common, but we have the same experience and emotions in common.  We each have a loss that changes us and remains within us.  We are different and long to find others who understand and empathize with us.  We long for someone to “get it” and allow us to be who we are in our grief.  People with whom we can just be ourselves and allow us to feel however we feel without judgment or expectation of change. 

While none of us chose this fellowship of grief, we long for a place where grief is recognized and wherever we are on the journey is accepted.  The focus is not always the grief, but it is the underlying feeling.  It does not need to be stated in this fellowship.  We just know and can tell our story over and over again and feel loved and accepted.  This is fellowship.  We are companions on the journey.  In your grief, may you find this fellowship, this acceptance and connection.  It does not take away our grief, but it confirms that living in our hurt and loss is an acceptable place to be.

The Settling of The Soul

“As the deer pants for water so I long for you, O God, I thirst for God the living God.”  Psalm 42:1-2

My soul is restless, and I have a longing deep within me.  It is a thirst that cannot be quenched with water or objects of this world.  My desire is not fulfilled by possessions, pleasures, or people.  As I reclined in the sunshine, my body absorbed the warmth, and it brought a calmness to my soul.  My physical body needs the vitamin D from the sun, but my soul needed the warmth and rest the sun generously provided.  My soul tends to give to others but needs to be replenished more often than I choose.  God’s Word through Scripture and Hymns replenishes my heart and commitment to Jesus.  The inner soul – the part that nobody but Jesus knows – is the most difficult to refresh and renew.  It remains mostly unsettled in this world.  The brokenness of this world and of myself creates this difficulty to settle.

It is OK to be broken.  God only heals the broken.  If we never felt pain, hurt, heartache, we would not know what it means to feel the deepest emotions and also the closest to Jesus.  We need to surrender our power and façade that we are perfect and can handle any situation in life.  In the settling of my soul, I have had to admit to myself all that God has forgiven in me.  I am a sinner saved by grace, not better or worse than others.  In the eyes of God, I am God’s child.

In this restlessness, I am coming to understand more about whose I am.  Each morning when I run, I reach out and take the Father’s hand with my left hand and Jesus’ hand with my right hand.  I know God holds me with His right hand and leads and directs my path.  God has carried me in my grief and given me His comfort and peace. In my current restlessness, I have begun to hold close to Jesus and my daily conversation in my heart is with Jesus.  The settling of my soul has become gradual but in it I have realized my need for external validation is fading dramatically.  It does not matter what other people think about my decisions and views, all that matters is how Jesus sees me.  It is not that I do not care about people, I care even more because my need for their validation and praise is no longer a part of the relationship.

In grief, nothing seems to settle the soul.  We are restless within and long for our loved one.  It is not just wanting them physically with us, but recognizing how they bring calmness, security, and the assurance that we are not alone.  In my grief, I recognized nobody in this world brought to me a settling within me.  While I love my family and friends, they could not meet a need that I could not even explain or name.  I did not need their approval, and while I cared about them, they were not enough to fill the void in my soul.

My longing is for someone to touch my soul.  In my grief, only Jesus can reach deep within me and understand and just be present with me.  Jesus does not take away the emotions and heartache, but Jesus holds me in these feelings and accepts me in my brokenness.  I have nothing to prove and there is no need to pretend I am doing great.  Jesus looks deep in my soul and loves me because I am His and Jesus loves me.  I am focusing on being present with Jesus and sharing thoughts, feelings, and stories with Him instead of those around me.  Jesus understands, and I am beginning to smile within my soul as I listen to others because I have a story to share but I share it with Jesus.  My soul is settling.

Redirected Path

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own insight.  In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.”   Proverbs 3:5-6

Two years ago when I visited Punta Gorda, I heard God speak to my soul – “Go further.” I was in the last place Dave and I vacationed together before his diagnosis. As I ran the Harbor walk, the trail had been expanded from when Dave and I had walked it. As I ran, I felt Dave’s presence and God calling me to go further in my life.

Last year when I ran the Harbor walk trail, I prayed for God to speak to me again.  As I ran around the hotel Dave and I had stayed, I felt Dave’s presence and heard his words in my heart that it was OK to move forward with my life.  He was at peace in Heaven, and I needed to continue with my life journey.

This year as I ran the same trail, I ran to the end of the northern Harbor walk trail and turned around running back over the same route.  I needed a few more steps to complete my four-mile run so I continued past my starting point.  I became aware the path was re-routed and updated.  It was then I heard God speak within my soul – “Your path to me has never changed, it has just been re-routed.”  The course God planned for me still had the same destination, it was just re-routed and updated to reflect the changes in my life and the pain and heartache that now became a part of the trail.

None of us planned for our lives to change so dramatically and suddenly even if we knew the decline was revealing change. But here we are. Our lives encountered an end to a path, and we are re-routed. We have retraced our steps – our memories of what our lives used to be and who we were on the journey with our loved one. We have wondered what comes next. How can I continue on this path of life? Then God reveals a path that may have some familiarity but appears different. We are still going toward Jesus, but we feel an emptiness on the journey. It is not what we dreamed, but it is what we now have.

As I ran the path, a turn on the trail revealed a monument erected to remember Hurricane Charley that devastated Punta Gorda in 2004.  The monument is of a tall palm tree, a bent over palm tree and a sun dial.  The sun dial depicts the time of the hurricane – 4:29 PM.  The bent over tree represents the destruction and the tall tree reveals the strength of survival in the storm.

This reminded me of grief. We remember the exact time of death and those last moments of trauma, devastation and death, but we have survived. Life is totally different. We have begun to re-route and now rebuild a life. We are stronger because of our trust and dependence upon God. We may not feel strong, but we have survived the most devastating event of our lives, and now are trying to help others along the path.

The route you are on currently is not one chosen by you.  Life has re-routed your path.  I have learned from the Harbor walk trail that life goes on.  We remember.  We celebrate life.  We remember the heartache and pain.   But as we trust in God, He re-routes our path on earth but our final destination with Him remains the same.  Trust.  Trust even when your heart aches.  Trust even when it is hard to believe.  Trust the path.  Trust the One on the path with you.

Identifying With Grief

“Lord, have mercy, because I am in misery.  My eyes are weak from so much crying, and my whole being is tired from grief.”  Psalm 31:9

This month I have grieved the loss of several friends.  One I had just begun walking the journey of life with and another was the wife of my husband Dave’s dear friend.  Another, was a part of a church I served and I had walked the journey of life and death with his family several years ago.  One I watched for years decline and the others died of complications from COVID.  I also heard of friends and church family who had lost a loved one.  Each day in the newspaper, I read the obituaries and even though I do not know the person, I thank God for a life and pray for the families who grieve.  We grieve the loss of thousands who have died from the complications of COVID.  Grief is all around us.

We grieve not just the loss of a loved one, but we grieve all types of losses in our lives.  The loss of innocence.  The loss of trust.  The loss of hope.  The loss of love.  The loss of a dream.  The loss of a job.  The loss of a home.  The losses are all around us.  We may not recognize these losses as a form of grief, but we need to name the grief and take the time to grieve and process the loss.  Grief will always be a part of our journey of life.  I believe when we have lost our favorite person, we begin to recognize other losses in our lives.  Grief becomes familiar and we feel all the negative emotions toward grief – anger, hurt, pain, heartache.

The pain and hurt of our grief become so familiar that we stay in these feelings out of fear of losing our connection with our loved one.  It seems disrespectful to move forward and create a new life without our loved one.  We do not want to live without them even though we know our loved one would want us to develop a new chapter of life and find a new meaning and purpose.

I listened to a mother who had lost her son.  She shared the journey with me, and I could identify with many of the feelings and emotions she shared.  Staying in the grief and not developing new relationships has kept her close to her son.  We know life continues to happen around us, but the grief, pain and heartache feels like we are being loyal to our loved one.  It gets comfortable and familiar, and our identity gets wrapped up in the grief.  We connect to their pain of death through our pain of grief.

Our identify gets caught up in grief.  If we begin a new relationship, others assume we are no longer grieving and have moved on.  Sometimes we avoid relationships because we do not want to leave the familiarity of grief though it is painful.  We may see ourselves as a widow, widower, childless, parentless individual and will always identity with that description.  We do not know who we are outside of this identity.  It can become comfortable, but it can also be a place where we are stuck and afraid of walking into this different life.

When we accept grief is always going to be a part of our lives, we can begin to name our feelings and take the time to process these emotions in a healthy way.  When we try to avoid feeling the grief, it will express itself in negative ways like making us physically sick or living in fear, anxiety and depression.  Grief is not like a welcomed friend, but like someone who shows up at our door unexpectedly and we must figure out how we deal with them.  Jesus felt the pain and heartache of grief.  God holds us close in our loss and tears.  We receive His mercy.  Mercy is God’s way of saying to us, “Give to me your heart which is full of heartache, pain and loss.  I will not take away the love that it represents, but I will release you to live this next chapter of life.  I will be with you.  The love for your dear one will always be in you.  Give to me the pain and hurt.”

Allow your grief to identify the hurt and pain in others.  Acknowledge the loss.  It is part of who you are and who they are. 

Outward Appearance

“People look at the outside of a person, but the Lord looks at the heart.” I Samuel 16:7

We glance in the mirror. We showered.  Our hair is washed and presentable.  Our outfit in neat and clean.  Our outward appearance seems normal.  But nobody told us we looked pretty this morning.  As we walk out the door to face the world, we appear to have it “together.”  Fortunately, nobody can see our hearts.  Hearts filled with pain, sadness, grief, and loneliness.  We keep our emotions within us because when we release them to those who do not understand grief, we are made to feel like we should be beyond these feelings and emotions and not grieving.  We are even told by friends and family that we should be over this by now and move on with our lives.  So outwardly, we attempt to present that we are “fine” and that our heart is not breaking.

This is part of the grief journey.  We want to present well to those around us who do not understand that grief will last forever, and you do not get over grief.  You just learn to live with grief and develop a different life in it.  I spoke with several widows this past week who are at different places on their grief journey.  All spoke of the need to be around others who understand the heart of grief and are further along the path and can be a guide and give hope.

We tend to close off our heart in our grief to protect it from further hurt and pain.  It is difficult to open the box of pain, hurt and grief or even to name all that is in it.  But when we encounter others who have experienced similar heartache, we connect broken heart to broken heart.  Many times this connection goes beyond words because we know they get it.  Our hearts sense the pain and grief and even in these deep emotions we feel a sense of peace that we are not alone in these strange feelings.

As I talked with a friend who had lost his wife this past year, he stated that each night he prayed that God would allow him to wake up in Heaven.  He is ready to go be with God and his dear wife.  He said his family did not understand his feelings.  As we talked, he was thankful he could talk with someone who understand the grief and loss and did not tell him not to talk about going to Heaven.  Outwardly he was trying to live in this world, but inwardly his heart was already in Heaven.

We try to live in this world.  We try to find peace and meaning and hope in each day, but some days getting out of bed is difficult.  How are we to live without the one who gave meaning and purpose and joy to our days?  We become exhausted attempting to fit back into a world that feels so different.  We busy ourselves with tasks and lists and even complete some projects, therefore, those around us see that we are functioning well and moving forward with life.  Looks are deceiving.  Keeping busy is good at first.  We do not know how to fix our broken heart so if we keep busy, we attempt to ignore the pain and heartache.  This works until we get dizzy riding the merry-go-round of life and become emotionally exhausted. 

God sees our pain and hurt and heartache.  God calls us to stop doing for awhile and just be still and present with Him.  God does not take away the heartache because it represents love, but He comforts us and gives to us His peace and presence.  While I do not want to live in pain and heartache, I will choose to do so because I will always choose to love.  With love comes the pain of separation and loss.  But with love also comes memories that sustain, and joy and laughter of sharing life together. 

Outwardly we will appear fine most of the time on the journey until we meet a fellow traveler, and we share our pain and loss.  God will always know our heart – a love that will never end.

Decisions But Not Deciding

“The Lord decided what a person will do; no one understands what his life is all about.”  Proverbs 20:24

All the grief literature and advice states not to make any major decisions the first year following a death.  Well, the major decision was already made when death entered my life, and I began the grief journey.  I did not choose for death to take away my hopes and dreams.  I made no decision to make my life different.  I made no decision to change all of my relationships.  I did not decide.  But the decision was made.  Life was given so many days on this earth, and now the days were complete.  Decision were made about life and I did not get a choice.  Is this your story, too?

Life involves decision after decision.  We decide what to wear, what to eat, where to go, what career, who to marry, where to live and the list goes on and on.  How do we learn to make these decisions?  Some are made without our input like who our parents are and where we are born.  So who made these decisions for our lives?  For me, I recognize the existence of God and God’s ultimate decision to create and sustain life.  We choose to believe or not to believe, but that choice does not determine God’s existence, just one’s belief system.

The greatest decision of my life was to accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior and surrender my life to God’s will and direction for my life.  I professed my faith publicly as a teenage and have spent my life trying to follow God’s will.  I have made plenty of decisions outside God’s will and boundary for my life.  I have accepted the consequences of the sins and asked for forgiveness.  The desire to make our own decisions is part of the human desire to be in control and not have any boundaries.  This usually leads us down a selfish and sinful path of pain and hurt.  But pain and hurt also occur when we surrender to God’s will and follow His path of life.  So if life is going to be hurtful, why not make our own decisions about what pain we want to endure?  Sounds like a good idea, but the problem is we do not get to make the decisions about all the people whom we are in relationship.  The pain and grief of death is not our choice or decision.

Death has occurred, and the only decision I get to make is how I face it and live in this different life.  In the cloudiness and numbness of our grief, decisions seem to be made around us without a conscious awareness of actually deciding.  It seems things happen, and we have no memory of how it happened.  Other times, we know we must decide the next step but wonder how to figure out the process.  For some of us, we never made a decision by ourselves.  It was always with our partner, always with someone we trusted to guide and direct the process.

In my grief journey, I decided to move five times.  The first decision was made from necessity of downsizing and dealing with changes in our lives.  The other moves were about finding my life in this different world and who I am now.  I would probably change some of these decisions as I reflect, but I learned from each one of them and continue to learn in my choices and decisions.  Decisions can be huge like a move or small like getting out of bed.  Sometimes we need to just let things happen because deciding is too overwhelming.  

Now that we are alone, we accept that God is our strength, guide, and comforter on this journey.  We may question why God allowed death to occur when life was not completed.  We need God’s peace and protection, but we struggle with whether God’s decisions for our lives will again bring pain and hurt like the loss of our loved one.  This surrender to God’s will and decisions for my life have been a continual process of trust and growth.  I know God loves me and wants to live in my heart and be the center of my life.  When I decide to trust God, I let go of the need to make every decision my way.  I decide to believe God wants the best for me even though sometimes it does not feel like it.  It is deciding to follow God even when I cannot see the path ahead of me.  It is deciding that I do not need to make decisions for the future, just trust my future to God.  It is knowing that I will still feel loss, pain, hurt and heartache but deciding I will still love even though it may bring these feelings.  It is deciding I do not need to decide, but to live in the moment and hold Jesus’ hand.  It is deciding to have faith – trust in the One who now holds my hand.

No Resolution

“Then Jesus…. prayed, “My father, if it is not possible for this painful thing to be taken from me, and if I must do it, I pray that what you want will be done.”    Matthew 26:42

Before the beginning of each new year, I have in the past written resolutions, goals, plans and dreams.  Most of them were measurable like reading a book a month, exercising, cleaning out clutter, making visits, writing, and the list goes on and on.  After my husband, Dave, died in 2015, I wrote a list for 2016.  I reviewed this list recently and wondered now how I thought I could accomplish all the goals and plans with my grief causing me to have no focus or decision-making ability.   Each year the list had similar goals, but I have come to recognize the plans and dreams have become less measurable and more spiritual and relational.  While I accomplished giving away most of my stuff and eliminating clutter, my view of life had changed because of the loneliness and pain of my grief.

“People may make plans in their minds, but the Lord decides what they will do.”  Proverbs 16:9

2020 revealed to us that we can make plans, set goals, and have dreams, but life can take a detour. Nobody anticipated the drastic changes that occurred in 2020 and that life as we knew it would literally be shut down. To me, 2020 expressed what grief does to our lives. It changes everything we had hoped and dreamed and leaves us confused and unable to focus on figuring out how to live in this different life. We can make plans. I remember making those plans in 2015 as Dave and I began planning to downsize and travel. Then the diagnosis came but we were hopeful and continued to make plans, but God knew the outcome and plans changed. Grief was the focus not the plans and dreams.

This year I have not written any resolutions, goals, plans, or dreams for 2021.  I am praying as Jesus prayed, “Not my will, but God’s will.”  The pain of grief will not be taken away from any of us.  We will take grief into each year and will begin to figure out how to live with it.  Grief permeates every aspect of our lives.  Grief is part of our foundation in life, part of our purpose.  That has been difficult for me to accept and to share with others.  Pain and death on the cross was the purpose for Jesus’ life.  He was born so that He would die as the perfect sacrifice for our sins.

Grief has changed us.  We look at the world through different lenses now.  I have found that my focus no longer is on long range goals and dreams, but on ways I can live in the present moment.  Tomorrow is not promised, but we have today, this moment.  How are we living close to Jesus in these moments?  Productivity is rarely a part of the grief journey.  Survival is the focus the first year or so, and then we begin to figure out how we live with the grief.  It is OK not to make plans, goals, and resolutions.  It is trusting and depending on God, not ourselves.  It is not living in busyness and how the world sees life.  Enjoy moments and make memories. 

Grief and 2020 has changed us, therefore, we need to change how we begin a new year and how we live.  So for 2021, I am going to get up every morning, breath in God’s Spirit and surrender each day to God.  I am praying for God’s will, not mine.  Grief revealed to me that it is all about God.  For God never left me in my grief but is beside me giving me comfort and His peace.  Live in today.  My word for 2021 is “Surrender.”

Unsettled

“If you go the wrong way – to the right or to the left – you will hear a voice behind you saying, “This is the right way.  You should go this way.”   Isaiah 30:21

2020 has been a year filled with disappointment, uncertainty, change, fear, grief, and the list could go on and on.  It has been an unsettling year and as we approach 2021, we are unsure what will happen and if life will settle down.  A new year usually brings a sense of hope, a clean slate, and a hope for a good future.  But the uncertainty of the virus leaves many of us unsettled.  For those whose lives were changed by grief, the new year brings an uncertainty of how can you begin a new year without your loved one?  The thought of beginning anything new especially a year without your loved one seems impossible and unsettling.

The week between Christmas and the New Year is a time where everything seems different without a routine or purpose.  We have survived Christmas and live now in our broken expectations or sense of relief that it is over which creates some feelings of guilt.  Nothing is normal in this week.  We may have spent weeks preparing for Christmas and now that the day has come and gone, we feel exhausted, thankful, relieved, anxious, fearful of the new year, and so many more feelings and emotions come into this week.  It is a week where we reflect on the past year which many of us would like to just forget.  It is a week where we begin to ponder the new year and make resolutions or goals for the new year.  We are feeling unsettled.

To be unsettled means lacking stability and feeling as if everything is out of order.  That’s a good description of how grief feels.  This week – the week between Christmas and New Year’s Day - describes grief.  We have experienced the birth of Jesus and our heart is full of life and hope.  Then the day, the life is gone, and we feel numb and nothing is clear.  A cloud of uncertainty hovers over, and we just exist through the exhaustion and pain and sadness.  Oh, we have moments of joy and thankfulness.  We are thankful for family and the blessing of friends and what they bring into these moments.  Nothing feels normal.  Everyone goes back to their lives and world, and here we are stuck in this feeling of being unsettled.  We have a new year, a different life, ahead of us but here we are stuck in these days not being able to describe all the feelings, emotions, emptiness, and uncertainty.  We are unsettled.

It is hard to imagine a year or another year without our loved ones.  How can I look forward to something without him beside me?  How can I make plans without her guidance?  One of the hardest steps in my grieve after the death of my husband, Dave, was making decisions.  I was so used to talking through decisions with Dave, receiving his opinion, and seeing things from his perspective which helped to see other viewpoints.  I have felt unsettled in making decisions.   What if I go the wrong way?  What if it is not what God wants me to do?  You know all those “what ifs” that flood your mind in your grief and uncertainty.

One of the last scriptures my mom and I talked about was from Isaiah 30:21 – “If you go the wrong way – to the right or to the left – you will hear a voice behind you saying, “This is the right way.  You should go this way.”  I have made a lot of decisions in my grief journey.  Some were good and some were made without much thought or focus.  I have heard a voice – sometimes Dave’s, sometimes my mom’s, and sometimes that inner voice of God – directing my path.  Sometimes I listened and sometimes, I learned from my wrong decisions.

I believe the unsettledness of grief and of this week between Christmas and New Year’s Day is trying to discern direction for our lives.  This week is a time of reflection.  It is when life is different without a normal routine and that is what grief is too.  We desire life to be different than 2020, and we want the pain, sadness, and grief not to be in control.  We find ourselves eating all the Christmas goodies so we can start fresh and healthy in the new year.  We fear that the memories will fade, and it seems impossible to go forward into a new year and life.  Listen to the voice behind you and within you.  You may take the step into the new year with fear, grief and sadness but that voice, the voice of God’s Spirit, will lead you.  God will begin to settle your feelings, not take them away.  God promises to be with us and to be our foundation, our rock which stabilizes us in these days of uncertainty, unsettledness, and loneliness. 

Settle with Jesus.

Feelings Of Christmas

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and he saves those whose spirits have been crushed.”  Psalm 34:18

“It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas” as the song begins.  We have an idea of what Christmas looks like – all the preparations of decorating, shopping, the lights, the meal, and the list goes on and on.  It looks a lot different this year in many ways, too.  The snow this past week in Ohio makes it look like the Christmas season.  Does it feel like Christmas?  I have heard so many people say, “It doesn’t feel like Christmas?”  What is Christmas supposed to feel like?

Feelings are emotions and reactions to situations.  We do not choose our feelings, but we can choose how we react or allow those feelings to come out of us.  Feelings are inside of us, and many times we are afraid to admit this is how we feel.  It is OK to feel whatever you are feeling.  It is just figuring out what you do with those feelings.

As a child, we feel excitement and anticipation at Christmas.  We focus on the presents, the cookies and candies, the family visits, the Christmas plays, and being out of school.  Christmas is the main event of the year for many children.  It can also be a sad and lonely time depending on family circumstances.

As we walk the grief journey, Christmas becomes a time where we do not feel like celebrating.  We feel the loneliness and the hole in our lives without our loved one.  It seems impossible to celebrate when life is so different and our hearts ache.  We want to just get through it or just not have Christmas.  We feel we cannot do anything and have no desire to put on a happy face and celebrate.  It feels so wrong to do anything related to Christmas when our loved one is not present.  Then in another moment, we may feel we need to do everything the same and try to make Christmas as “normal” as possible.  But nothing is normal, and every effort seems an impossible task.

We feel like if we do not celebrate Christmas, we are missing out on something, but in reality we are just missing someone.  You may feel numb and just going through the motions of existing this Christmas season.  Give yourself permission to feel however you feel and to do or not do whatever is right for you.  Your heart is broken.  You may feel alone even with family around, or this year family is not going to be around because of COVID.  Being alone may feel right this season.  It is OK not to do the outward celebrations of the season.  Decorations and baking and cooking seem meaningless this year, and they are in light of your broken spirit.

We feel exhausted.  Just thinking about the events and people and expectations we place upon ourselves brings exhaustion.  It is recognizing that grief is wearisome and makes us feel tired and unable to complete even the simplest of tasks.  Therefore, the thought of all the Christmas preparations is overwhelming.  It seems impossible.  If you are exhausted, then rest and let go of the expectations and just be present in the moments that you can this Christmas.

You may feel disappointed this Christmas season.  We are disappointed in how 2020 turned out.  We are disappointed in our life, our future, how we react, and the sorrow and brokenness of our life.  Christmas brings disappointment for so many people.  We are disappointed in our family, and that our gathering does not live up to our expectations.  We are disappointed that those we love do not understand and are not supportive in the way we need them to be.  Christmas is more than family.  God never disappoints even when we do not understand why God allows the heartaches of life.

Christmas is really about a God who comes to be with us – Emmanuel.  God is with you in your feelings and emotions.  God is close to you who are brokenhearted.  God is with you whose spirit is crushed and you who feel isolated, alone, and sad.  Christmas is about God breaking through the pain and hurt and disappointments of our world and coming to be like us.  Jesus came to experience the same things we experience.  He understands the heartache of death and the deep feelings of grief and pain.  This Christmas feel God’s presence not the presents under the tree.  Feel the warmth of God’s light not the lights on the trees.  Feel the touch of God upon your heart when you long for the touch of your loved one.  Feel however you feel this Christmas.  Give yourself permission to feel it, but also feel Jesus break through the pain, hurt and sadness to be with you giving you His comfort and peace.  Jesus comes not to take it all away, but to walk beside us and give us a hope of a hope. 

Treasured Moments

“But Mary quietly treasured these things in her heart and often thought about them.”  Luke 2:19

As Christmas approaches our thoughts turn to gifts and presents for family and friends.  What do I buy or make or share?  As I reflect on Christmas days I have experienced in my life, I remember little about the gifts I received.  I remember some of the gifts I gave to others.  I have some memories based on pictures taken of the gifts around the tree.  My dad always had to take a picture of everyone holding their gifts.  The gifts sometimes did not last through Christmas day.  I remember one year receiving a metal slinky toy.  It was like a large spring that could be stretched and go down steps.  By the end of the day, I had it twisted and tangled to the point it no longer worked. What I treasure the most is the memories of being with family and my church family.  The treasures were not the unwrapped gifts but the moments of love. 

Mary, the mother of Jesus, treasured all the events of Jesus’ birth in her heart and the events became memories that she continued to think about all her life.  It was not the gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh that she was treasuring but all the events and people around the birth of Jesus.  It was the moments of God’s presence.  God had come to earth in the form of a baby, her baby.  She was chosen by God.  She was loved.  She was not in her home or with her family, but she was with God.  Mary may have been frightened and felt alone without her extended family, but she was experiencing God break through her fears and life and be with her.

The first year after my husband Dave’s death, I gave treasures from his collections as gifts so that his family and friends would have a physical treasure to remind them of Dave’s continuing presence.  Each year I have tried to give a gift as a reminder of Dave and his love.  This year, I gave some Christmas gifts early so that family and friends would enjoy them – Christmas ornaments created by Dave’s dear friend Tom’s daughter Gigi.  A memorial angel for the tree. 

This Christmas season is different because of COVID and because loved ones are not with us.  We may not be with family or have a large family gathering this year.  In our grief, we know Christmas will be different and may not feel like celebrating and purchasing gifts anyhow.  Maybe this is the year to follow Mary’s guidance and treasure moments in our hearts.  We each have past memories that are so special to us – precious as a fragile ornament.  We gently take out the memory and hold it in our heart. 

I have come to realize that my treasures are moments I have tucked away in my heart.  Moments that are like a photo or a video clip of an event or a time I had with my loved one.  When I close my eyes, I feel and see the moment.  It brings warmth to my soul and a moment of peace and joy in my heart.  Some of these moments are triggered by pictures or by a treasured possession.  But most of these moments are gifts from God when I feel sad or lonely and need a touch of love.

We can continue to create these treasured moments.  Be in the moment with a sunset, beautiful Christmas lights, a song, the hug of a child, the smell of soup, the smile of a friend.  Each of these are treasures that sustain us in life and give us hope in this different life.  When you experience these moments, stop, close your eyes and take a mental picture of the moment.  Then when you need it, just pull it from your treasures and ponder it as a gift from God to guide you through the rough moments of life.