Perspective in The Different
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“People can make all kinds of plans, but only the Lord’s plan will happen.” Proverbs 19:21
I have been a list maker all my life. I make a “Things to Do” list with big projects and then a list for the daily tasks. I enjoy crossing things off the list, but it seems I add more as soon as I cross something off. I have completed lots of big and small projects with my list. I am one that usually does not ask for help with projects on my list. I feel a sense of accomplishment in completing the list, but I also wonder if I did enough for the day to regard the day as a successful day. We live in a society that is performance based – the more we accomplish, the better the person we think we are and the more loved and accepted we will be in relationships and even with God. At least that is what we are led to believe.
In grief, the list can be a tool to help us just function. It can be as simple as – get out of bed, brush our teeth, take a shower, get dressed. And even those basics seem too difficult to accomplish at certain stages of our grief. We do not like asking for help in our grief. Sometimes we just push ourselves trying to make life feel “normal” for others in the family. We are doing the work of two people sometimes and wonder why we are exhausted and not achieving completion at the end of the day.
This different life changes our perspective on what is important in life. The daily worries of others seem to be so trivial now that grief has entered our daily life. Our priorities change and the list of things to do have lost their importance. At first, I just completed the essentials and my counseling schedule. Just to survive a day without my husband was a huge accomplishment. Then came projects and productivity. I wanted to sort and organize all my stuff and create scrapbooks. It was good for awhile but it did not fill the emptiness.
I have traveled this grief journey trying out many paths to find a way to live in this different life. I have moved from house to condo to house to rental to someone else’s house. I have moved to different areas of the state. I have stayed busy with work and ministry focusing on the needs of others. I have tried new relationships. I have changed my diet. I have run daily. I have watched movies. I have tried different friendships. I have changed relationships. I have….. Yes, I have had an adventure in this grief journey looking for something or someone to fill the emptiness of my life.
I realize I have had these different experiences on this grief journey so that I can relate to others on the journey. I have tried things others only think about and now I can share with them my experience and the good and not so good that came from it. I can share what I learned about myself by doing it, and because of what I now know, I would have changed or not done. It has all had a purpose, and I believe it will help someone else on the journey.
As I reflect on my journey through grief, I have come to understand it is not what I have done on the journey that has given me peace and hope but just being and resting in God’s presence. I have slowed down and even stopped writing daily lists most of the time. I have surrendered to God’s will and plan instead of my own. I ask each day who God wants me to contact. I am not focused on accomplishing tasks as much but enjoying moments with God. The emptiness is still present, but it has become a part of me. It is a place where love still dwells.
My perspective on life has changed. My priorities have been re-defined. What I thought was so important, no longer has value or influence. I worry less and live in the present more. I hold onto God’s hand and live more in moments. I am sad and recognize the hole is still in my heart. Life is different and how I live and experience life will always be different. It is just a different perspective, but the same God who holds my hand.
