The Bond With My Brothers

“And Joseph kissed all his brothers and cried as he hugged them.  After this, his brothers talked with him.”    Genesis 45:15

“So Joseph comforted his brothers and spoke kind words to them.”   Genesis 50:21

Recently I sat with my three brothers at a wedding reception.  We had the opportunity to talk, just the four of us for an extended period of time.  We talked about farming, tractors, gardens, memories, and family.  We share a bond.   First, because we are siblings.  We have the same mom and dad.  We have the same relatives.  We share the same Christian faith and foundation.  Our early years were influenced by the same Sunday School teachers and some of the same teachers in public school.  We grew up in the same house and on the same farm.  While we have the same foundation, our lives took us in many different directions, but the foundation of faith and family remained firm and strong.

I share another bond with my brothers.  We lost our parents.  We each grieved in different ways, but we all felt the deep loss and hole in our hearts not having our parents.  We have remained connected since their death and continue to get together each month along with my sister.  We also share the bond of grief in the loss of a spouse.  We understand heartache and loss and grief.  We have experienced the loss of companionship and love.

I have walked with my two oldest brothers this past year the journey of death and grief.  We have talked regularly on the phone.  I was with them through the dying process, the death and funeral.  We have talked about how life is different.  One brother has stayed busy as a way of dealing with the changes.  While the other brother has been quieter and more reflective.  We have each grieved in our own way and in our own time.  Because I have walked the journey, I have provided comfort and guided them in what to expect next.

While my family has never been demonstrative in expressing love, through this bond my oldest brother and I say “I love you” at the end of each phone conversation.  My brothers will at least give a side hug when I see them which is a huge step.  At times, I can even get them to express their emotions and feelings which is hard for many men and especially farmers.

We also share the bond of new relationships.  My one brother has been remarried for years, and my two other brothers have lady friends.  They are enjoying the companionship and a renewed outlook on life.  They smile and laugh and have someone to share the joys and struggles of life.  But with these new relationships comes some complications.  My brothers have children and grandchildren.  Their children and grandchildren have lost their mom and grandmother. While they want their dad and grandpa to be happy, they are still sad.  When you lose a spouse, you never replace the spouse.  The hole in your heart remains.  You just make space in your heart for companionship and sometimes love again.  But children are not looking for companionship after the loss, they just miss their mom and grandma who provided the unconditional and sacrificial love in their life.  Not all children receive this type of love from their maternal parent, but for those who do, the loss is intense.

I realize that other women have taken on the motherly role in my life, but nobody fills that role like my mom did.  When I married Dave, I took on the role as “step-mom”, but I never had the maternal role because their mom was in Heaven.  I was more of a friend.  I was their Dad’s wife.  They had a mom who would always be in their hearts.

Grief complicates relationships.  We miss our loved one.  We know our loved one is in Heaven.  We believe they want us to live our lives completely.  We long for companionship and to share life with someone.  We want to be considerate of other people’s feelings and grief.  The relationship of our loved one is complete on earth.  We cannot add more to the relationship.  The love for them never ends.  Our lives continue on earth, and we need to figure out what that looks like.  For some having a companion to share this next chapter of life is valuable and fulfilling.  For others, the thought of someone new in their life seems like a betrayal and they have chosen to remain alone.  It is whatever works for you.

The bond with my brothers has deepened because of loss and grief and new relationships.  We share and understand even though we make different decisions.  We all will grieve at some time in our lives.  We all will need comfort and guidance as we maneuver this new path of life.  Be open to the unexpected.  Be aware of God’s presence.  Your life will take unexpected turns going through some deep valleys.  Learn from each of these encounters and look behind you to help those beginning the journey.  Use your experiences to be of support to others.  There is a bond.