Where Are You Now?

Where can I go to escape your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? Psalm 139:7

Currently I am on an adventure. As I write these words, my view is the blue sky with white fluffy clouds. I feel the warm sunshine and the breeze from the ocean. I am here to re-focus, to rest, and to heal my heart. I am here to rest my soul so that God's voice is my source of strength and guidance.

My world has been changing these past six years. I am not the same person anymore. Time continues even when our preference is to slow down, stop, or even rewind the clock. Who am I Now? My ministry defines a part of me - pastor, counselor, author. My family gives me the titles of sister, aunt, cousin. In my relationships I have chosen friends and husband. I have had the titles of wife, step mom, widow, companion, and now I am not sure what title defines me. I tried an adventure and now it is being dissolved. So where am I Now?

Where are you Now? Relationships have changed you due to loss. We receive a title to describe the loss like orphan, widow, widower, childless, but where are we in life with the grief and pain?

As we search for a handle on the life we now have that we did not choose, the door opens to what is suppose to be “the happiest time of the year.” Happiness is the furtherest emotion from our hearts. We remember Christmas and the feelings of being with our loved one, and who we were with them. It was not perfect, but it was perfect for us. It was our life.

I am not the same anymore. Time has changed me. I have begun to embrace who I am becoming and as I do the calendar reveals the season which usually fills me with hope and wonder. This year I have not begun any outward preparations for the season except to set up my Nativity scene.

So where am I this Christmas? Christmas has not changed. God still loves us so much that He comes to earth as a baby to save us from our sins and give us eternal life with Him. God reminds us He is with us. God is love. Grief enters this love. God knows our sorrow and God wraps our sorrow in His love. Our special person's love is always with us. Love never ends. God's love is always with us. Who am I Now? I am a person who has love within me. So are you. That love has never changed and will never leave me.

So this Christmas, my focus is on love. Each of you have love within you. Love never changes. Christmas comes because of love. Allow the love and grief to mix. Allow God to come to you. Do not focus outward but inward where the love will always be. You never break this bond of love. God still loves you in your grief. God still comes this Christmas in the birth of Jesus. It does not depend on how you feel or how much you prepare. Just allow the locce of Jesus to seep into the pain, the hurt, and the grief. God will come and be with you. That is what Christmas is about - God with us.

Where Are You Christmas?

“The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light; those who dwelt in a land of deep darkness on them has light shined.”     Isaiah 9:3

Faith Hill sings the song “Where Are You Christmas?” in the movie soundtrack for The Grinch.  The song begins –

“Where are you Christmas?

Why can’t I find you?

Why have you gone away?” 

The song continues – “My world is changing, I’m rearranging.  Does that mean Christmas changes too?”  I have heard the statement several times recently – “I just don’t want to do Christmas this year.”  In our society, “to do” Christmas means to do all the work of shopping, decorating, meal preparation, visits with family, cleaning, and all the events of the season. All this takes energy, planning, decision-making and enthusiasm.  These expectations have been diminished in our grief.  Grief clouds our thought process and just makes what seems like to others the simplest of decisions overwhelming to us. 

This is not Christmas to me.  It feels like Christmas has gone away.  My Christmas Season is again different this year.  I moved this past weekend into a condo and am focused on the updates needed to make it my home.  I am taking a trip.  I am ending an adventure and headed into this new chapter alone.  My heart is not into the hustle and bustle of the Season.  I have no desire “to do” the busyness of the holiday.  Where are you Christmas?  It feels like you have gone away.

This year I am fine with those outward expressions fading into the distance.  I enjoy seeing the lights of other people’s decorations and to see the beauty of lighted trees.  There is a tree outside my counseling office at Church which I have claimed as my tree.  I turn on the lights each day I counsel.  I placed my Precious Moments nativity scene on my new fireplace mantle with angels on each side.  That’s my focus this year.  Simple yet focused on the meaning of Christmas.

So, I have been pondering about not doing Christmas but just being Christmas this year.  Christmas means the mass on Christ’s day.  A religious mass is a time of worship which includes Holy Communion – the presence of Jesus’s body and blood in the elements of the bread and cup.  So, to me, to be Christmas is to be present with Jesus.  This year, I feel the peace of Jesus with me in the changes of my life.  I have sadness for the loss of loved ones and not being with my special person, but I also have the peace of Jesus’ presence with me.  I feel more relaxed as I simply focus on being present with Jesus.  

Christmas is not the outward expressions that exhaust us.  Christmas is within our hearts even in the sadness of our hearts.  God comes to be with us in Jesus.  God comes to be with us in our sadness and hurt.  Christmas reminds us how much God loves us by coming to be with us in the darkness and bringing light and hope through Jesus.

So, this Christmas, I am giving myself permission to release the hustle and bustle and the shopping and decorations.  I am going to be present with Jesus instead of buying presents.  I am going to listen to Christmas music and worship quietly. I am going to allow myself moments of sadness and grief. I am going to relax and not give in to the pressures of the season.  My gift to all of you is my presence whenever you need it, my prayers and support, and most of all, I hope that my words, my actions, and my presence expresses the peace and love of Jesus.  Where are you Christmas?  You are in my heart. 

The Advent of Grief

Then Gideon said, “Sir, if the Lord is with us, why are we having so much trouble?”  Judges 6:12

“OK, God, I know you are with me, but why is everything so difficult?  Every time I get one thing figured out, something else goes wrong.”  Have you ever said this?  I have this past week especially.  Just when I thought I was moving forward, I hit a snag in the process.  I kept reminding myself that God was with me and that it would work out.  I just needed to slow myself down, take a breath, and trust.  I was making plans but going too far out into the future.

We are making plans this season.  In the Christian calendar, Sunday was the beginning of advent.  Advent is the preparation of the arrival of Jesus among us.  We prepare for the season in a variety of ways.  We have traditions.  We have expectations.  We make plans.  Plans are just plans, but we begin to believe they are what will actually happen every time.

With the season is also the advent of grief, the coming or the arrival of all the emotions connected to the season.  It is the arrival of our grief within the coming of Jesus and the traditions of the holidays.  We may have managed our grief and sorrow through the year.  We feel we have handled the major events and survived the daily tasks most of the time. But this holiday season makes it so apparent and real that your life has drastically changed.  Life is so different than what you remember.  You were excited about the traditions of the season until you faced the reality that this year your loved one will not be enjoying them with you either for the first time or again.  You knew this was true, but for a moment the excitement of the season brought hope.  Then you put it all together, and the grief and the advent do not seem to mingle together.  The traditions happen every year, but you have never experienced them without your loved one.  Nothing stops the coming of Christmas.  Jesus will still come anew no matter how you feel, no matter the grief or sadness.  But how do I sing “Joy to the World” when no joy radiates from my soul?

The Bible proclaims that Jesus will be born, and his name will be “Immanuel” which means, “God is with us.” (Matthew 1:23)  So if God is with us, if God is with you and me, we cry out like Gideon – “If you (Lord) are with us, why are we having so much trouble?” (Judges 6:12)  We wonder why we are so sad and the pain of grief so intense if God is walking with us and giving us hope and strength.  If God is with us, why would my loved one die?  It still seems impossible and overwhelming.

I have walked this path.  It is not so much doubt as much as I cannot feel God’s presence through my own pain and heartache.  God is still in my heart, but my heart’s desire was that life would not be like it currently is.  I expected there to be troubles in life, but I expected to go through them with my husband.  I expected God to handle them and not devastate me.

Our view of God coming into the world is similar to the early Jewish view.  They believed God would send a Messiah into the world to rescue them from their earthly enemy – The Romans - and bring peace into the world around them.  Jesus came to bring peace – not in outward visible ways, but peace within the hearts of all who believe.  But even that peace is covered with the grief and changes in this chapter of life.  At times it feels more like God is punishing us instead of walking with us.  We expected God to rescue us and protect us from devastating heartache. Change seems wrong especially in a season of traditions.

Life feels quite emotional and intense right now for me and probably for you.  For me, this week of preparing to move, pack, unpack, pack for a trip, figure out all the paperwork and finances, begin a new chapter of life, write this blog, write a sermon, counsel, take care of my dog, and….  Wow!  I’m tired just typing all of it.  Yes, this is life.  These changes are not all my choices.  Sadness, loss, and consequences of choices line my path.  But out of these troubles, God is teaching me patience, building character, and giving me hope as Paul states in Romans 5:3-4.

I am trying like each of you, to allow Advent – the coming of God with us – to penetrate my grief and troubles. We are different this Advent Season.  Give yourself permission to do the traditions and all that comes with the season differently.  Allow God to come into your grief.  Expect God to come and expect to have moments of sadness and grief.  Expect things to be different and expect traditions to be the same.  You are different so you will experience them differently.  Jesus is still coming.  Jesus is still with you.

Exhausted But Thankful

“I have not stopped giving thanks to God for you.  I always remember you in my prayers,” Ephesians 1:16

Exhausted.  Tired.  Overwhelmed.  Frustrated.  Angry.  Anxious.  Words that may describe how you feel about life right now.  You look at the calendar and dread the holiday season because of your grief and sadness and because of all the expectations the season brings.  We exhaust ourselves when we live in the expectations of others and try to please people even though it is not what we desire.  We have the need for acceptance and at times the approval of others becomes our motivation.  We become so overwhelmed with the long list of things to do and accomplish in a brief holiday season.

It all seems important and vital to serving the needs of others and experiencing the holidays.  It may even be our job or responsibility, but our body and soul are exhausted.  When we glance in the mirror, all we see are tired, sad, and baggy eyes.  We wonder how did we get to this point, and will it ever change?  We may not see a way out of it.  Our grief seems to intensify in our tiredness.  We just want our loved one to make it all better and help carry the load.

The steps I am currently taking seem huge with so many setbacks, frustrations, and glitches and delays in the flow of paperwork and changes.  When these feelings of frustration enter my head, I accept the feelings as real and experience them for moments.  I know going down this self-pity trail will not be productive, and it will be difficult to change directions.  I need to change my focus.  What is God teaching me?  What is my main goal?  Obstacles are a part of life.  It is not focusing on them but recognizing them for what they are – ways to surrender to God all these feelings and depend on Him, not my need to be in control.

As for the holidays, it is not focusing on the endless tasks but on the real meaning of the season.  This week is Thanksgiving.  In our grief, we may feel like skipping time with family.  Last year, many of us did because of COVID.  Now we have to maneuver the grief and the COVID and our feelings of just sleeping through until after New Year’s Day.  Thanksgiving and Christmas are filled with traditions that rarely change.  That is what makes them special.  But because of grief and loss, our lives have changed.  We are different.  So how can I rectify the difference?  It feels too exhausting to try and push through it.

Exhaustion.  It is real.  It is part of grief.  It is part of your life as you attempt to navigate this holiday season.  Let us re-focus.  Let us slow down our racing anxious thoughts.  Just because you have done it in the past, does not mean you need to do it now.  My word to you is simplify.  What is Thanksgiving really about?  It is being thankful even in our sadness.  Thankful for the memories, the love, the relationship and for the possibility and hope of a different life.

You are exhausted.  Do not pile another burden upon yourself.  The burden of expectations. You need rest.  Rest.  Enjoy moments of rest.  Give yourself permission to rest.  If others have expectations for the holidays, allow them to help.  Be honest with yourself and your family and friends.  Admit what you have the energy and desire to do.  Ask others to help.  Simplify but honor your traditions.  Focus on the meaning of Thanksgiving and Christmas, not on what society has created it to be.  If it is not enjoyable and meaningful, why are you doing it? 

I am accepting this need to rest even when it seems contrary to what is happening around me.  I cannot be my best or do my best without rest and refreshment in God’s Spirit.  Today, I took a needed nap and released my need to accomplish my list.  My body and soul feel refreshed.  I have more focus to do a task.  I am just taking one day, one task at a time.  Exhaustion does not just immediately disappear, but the anxiety lowers as I give thanks to God for His abundance blessings of strength.  God gives to you and me strength just for today.  Live in today’s strength.

My View

“We set our eyes not on what we see but on what we cannot see.  What we see will last only a short time, but what we cannot see will last forever.”    2 Corinthians 4:18

I have started to jog a mile a few times a week to build up to my former running pace since my knee surgery.  I run around a field and begin by going south and then west.  This morning it was cloudy as the morning light began to peek through the sky.  As I turned to go north and then east, the brilliance of the morning sunrise filled the sky.  I witnessed God’s glory as He began a new day.  In that moment, I lifted my arms in praise and worship to God for His creation and for revealing to me His presence through the beauty of the morning sky. 

God spoke to me about life through the morning sky.  I can focus on the clouds and the darkness of my life – my grief, my pain, my sorrow, my anxiety, and my stress.  It is real and is always a part of my life.  My view of life can be negative which makes me feel overwhelmed and exhausted.  Or I can keep moving and see the beauty even while the clouds are nearby.  Both views are a part of life.  Which one will be my focus is the question?

We can focus on the negatives of life.  They are always present and around us constantly in the media.  When we listen to others complain, it is easy to commiserate with them and follow their lead of negativity.  Our view of life becomes clouded when we experience tragedy and loss.  We feel the imbalance of life and fear the uncertainty of the future.

As I begin my next chapter of life, I have a choice.  I could live in the regret of the past and my choices, or I can look at the experience as an adventure and learn and grow from it.  I am trying to focus on what God has for me in this new chapter.  To learn from the past, to be thankful for the relationship and to allow God to bring good out of it is my focus.

When I visit my ninety-eight-year-old friend, my view of life is put into perspective.  When I asked Ray how he was doing spiritually, he said, “I am confident in where I am going, and I know God is with me each moment.”  His focus is not on the decline of his physical body even though he sees and feels it daily, but on the hope of his future in Heaven.  When I asked Ray how he was doing mentally and emotionally, he said, “I feel comfortable in my own skin.”  I have been pondering this statement.

To be comfortable is to be content, free from stress, fear, and worry.  It is having your needs met and being satisfied.  Ray is truly comfortable in his own skin.  To be comfortable and content has little to do with our material possessions and our physical body.  Contentment and peace come from within us, our soul.  I am becoming much more comfortable in my own skin.  I am accepting my aging body for what it is and physically doing what I enjoy. Like my friend, Ray, I am not focusing on what I do not have or the bad that has happened in my life.  I do not live in denial.  It is real.  The loss will always be evident in my life.

I am creating changes that will lead to a more content life.  My focus is on following God’s path for my life.  The path has sadness and hurt on it, but even though I have had to walk in the grief and loss, God has never left my side.  I am learning to be content because God is with me.  I am comfortable in my own skin alone.  This is no longer a negative to me because even if I am physically alone, I am never alone within me.  I have memories.  I have moments that bring laughter and joy in those memories.  I have my dog who is always by my side (or feet) which is where she currently resides.

I am setting my eyes on what is unseen because it lasts forever.  While I desire to be comfortable and content in my new location, my deeper desire is to be comfortable in my own skin – in my own soul.  It is not the life I chose, but it is the life I now have, and I am learning to be comfortable in it.

Resting Place

“God said to them, “Here is a place of rest; let the tired people come and rest.  This is the place of peace.”  Isaiah 28:12 

“The Lord says, “This is my resting place forever.  Here is where I want to stay.”  Psalm 132:14

I spent time with one of my dearest friends recently.  Ray is ninety-eight-years old which leads him to be reflective on life.  He is content in his space when he is carving and completely immersed in his creation.  While his fingers are busy and his mind is focused, he is resting in the comfort and quietness that his hobby affords him.  It is his resting place.

Ray and I talk about Heaven in most of our visits.  He knows Heaven gets closer each day.  Ray is not comforted with the idea of mansions and streets of gold.  This seems too worldly and not restful to him.  But if you read John 14, Jesus tells the disciples that He is going to prepare for them a place.  Jesus prepares a place just for us and then comes back to take us to this place – our resting place.  It will be a place of complete peace and contentment with Jesus.  To me, that is what Heaven is – a place of rest with Jesus.  This concept also brings comfort to my friend, Ray.

As we await Heaven, we still have life to live here on earth.  Life seems chaotic, empty, lonely, busy, filled with uncertainty, painful, and broken.  How do we find rest in this world?  For me, my physical place is changing again, and I am looking forward to a resting place that is just mine.  A place to again create with my own style and signature.  It is good to have a place that is safe and comfortable, a place where you surround yourself with possessions that reflect your memories and personality.  But there is more to a resting place than just material comfort.

I find rest in certain people.  I have a share partner in whom I find spiritual rest.  We are connected by our love for Jesus, and we share on a spiritual level how we see and feel God through our daily lives.  I also find rest in my friendship with my ninety-eight-year-old friend.  The depth of conversation rests my soul with the one whom he has surrendered his life to  - Jesus, and how he is living in the moments while anticipating the reunion in Heaven.

But most of all, I find my resting place in Jesus.  When my soul is tired and weary, Jesus gives me rest.  I find rest from using words.  I listen daily to words from the hearts of those who hurt in my counseling ministry.  I try to share with them the words The Holy Spirit gives to me.  I read words of Scripture daily to grow closer to God.  I pray to share words of worship, intercession, and thanksgiving.  The hurt and pain of this world and of those I love is overwhelming and I pour out these feelings to God in prayer.  So, my resting place is not in words spoken to Jesus, but in the still quietness of my soul being in the presence of God.  Just being present and speaking no words.  To sit in the stillness of a moment, to watch the beauty of a sunset, or the falling leaves and just rest in God’s abiding presence.

It is clearing my mind of all those racing thoughts.  Putting a stop sign in my head for awhile of the list of all I need to do.  It is just emptying my basket of tasks and doing nothing that merits achievement to the world.  It is breathing deeply the Spirit into the depths of my being.  This time seems so unproductive but so necessary to heal my soul.  No distractions.  Nothing pressing.  No commitments.  No grief or sadness for a moment.  Just a resting place.  I just tune out the world with all of its brokenness and stress, and I rest my soul from the pain.  I need time to heal and re-charge.  I need a place where evil, sin, pain, hurt, paperwork, tasks, and everything that tries to fill up my head cannot enter.  It is a place Jesus prepares for us – a glimpse of Heaven on earth.

We need a resting place if just for a moment.  I place where for just a moment it is just you and God.  I place where our souls rest.  Find your resting place.  I am working on those resting place moments.

Walk Me Through

“Even if I walk through a very dark valley, I will not be afraid, because you are with me.  Your rod and your walking stick comfort me.”    Psalm 23:4

My frustration level has been high over the past weeks because of paperwork.  I despise the mound of forms that are required for transactions.  It seems easier if the requirement was a pint of blood instead of a stack of forms.  I have been completing them step by step, but this week all three of the areas I am working on seemed insurmountable.  My head was swimming in information and my shoulders seemed heavy from the burden.  Whatever happened to the simple handshake and a letter of closure.  Not in our world anymore.

We have all felt the weight of the requirements to function in daily life and to obtain the necessities and luxuries of life.  Sometimes it feels impossible and not worth the effort even though we know it is what we want and desire.  We look at what needs to be completed and feel that we do not have the ability, the energy, nor the desire.  We may even want the end result, but where do we begin?  I have accepted that I cannot do this alone.  I need help.  I have reached out to those I trust to walk me through the mound of forms.

In these weeks and through my grief and chapters of life, I realize I cannot do everything by myself.  I want to be independent and plow through the tough parts of life, but God created us to be dependent on Him and one another.  It is not a sign of weakness to ask for help, but a sign of acceptance.  We accept who we are and our abilities.  We see the strengths of others and bring them into our lives to enhance us.

The Perrys have written a song that has helped me through these days.  The song is entitled, “Walk Me Through.”  Here is the chorus –

“Walk me through, walk me through.

Give me grace to keep my eyes on you.

Be my comfort, be my guide

Shelter me from rising tides.

I’m depending, Lord, on you to walk me through.”

These words are in my heart, and I sing them throughout the day – “God, walk me through.  I am depending on you to walk me through.”  What is before me seems impossible, but I change my focus to God, who is beside me.  God is walking me through the problems, the changes, the pain, the storm, or whatever life brings to me.  God is walking you through, too.  It is keeping our eyes on Jesus, not on the hurt or problem or obstacle.  Life does not always take us on the path we had planned, but God still walks with us.

I spoke recently at a grief support group. One of the widows shared with me after the meeting that she was sorry I had gone through loss, but she was thankful I was now willing to share about the journey and help others navigate their grief. I believe God has walked me through to guide others on the path. My current frustration and changes are happening so that I can walk others through them later. It is also apparent to me that we do not walk alone. We need to reach out to others who have the knowledge and expertise we need to figure out our current situation. Allow others to walk you through.

In each moment of life, I will continue to pray, “Lord, walk me through.”  I am depending on God.  When the moments are frustrating and overwhelming, I am reaching out to Jesus and asking him to hold my hand and walk me through.  When we walk through the valley of the shadow of death, God is still with us to walk us through.  The key word is “through.”  We do not stay in the valley, but we go through it.  God does not always take us out of the pain and hurt, but God promises to always be with us through the storm.  “Lord, walk me through.”

Tell The Stories

“Jesus used stories to tell all these things to the people; he always used stories to teach them.”  Matthew 13:34

As a child, I loved stories.  I read Bible stories, story books from the library, and loved listening to the stories of my parent, my Grandma, my aunts and uncles and the older people in the Church. Stories connected me to places and people beyond my own experience.  The stories were about their lives, the people who influenced them, where they traveled, and how God was at work in their lives.

As a pastor, I listened to the stories of the people I visited.  In the hospital, people told the story of their illness, their fears, and hospital experience.  In their homes, people would share stories about possessions that were dear to them and pictures of family.  I loved to hear the stories because I learned who they were through these stories.  In the first church I served, the senior minister taught me to tell a story at the beginning of a sermon.  The story needed to capture the church family’s attention and lead into the Scripture for the day. 

When Dave and I began dating, I discovered he was a storyteller. He created stories about the Hawk and the mouse to describe our relationship. He told stories from his childhood and the State Highway Patrol that made you feel like you were there with him. He was animated and used his whole body describing the action of the tale. Nobody could tell a story like Dave. He had you laughing one minute and crying the next. Whenever his grandsons stayed overnight, he would tell them a bedtime story where one of them was the hero and saved the day.

We remember stories because they are about how we are in relationship with one another.  Stories create a visual in our minds.  Stories tell the joys and sorrows of life.  Usually when we tell a story, we use it to give an example or share a meaning about life.  Stories are told to give an emphasis to our point.  They illustrate our view of life.

Recently at a gathering of widows, each widow shared the story of how they met their husband.  They shared their husband’s name, something special about them and how they began their love relationship.  As I listened, I saw faces shine with love and eyes fill with tears as they remembered.  The story of love remains engrained in their hearts forever.  My mind and heart drifted to the story of meeting Dave and how God brought us together.  It is a story that remains as a foundation for my life and my view of love.

On the journey of grief, stories are filled with emotions. We love hearing stories of our loved one and how they impacted another person’s life. We look at pictures and remember the story behind the photo. We remember the love and the life we had with our loved one. We treasure all these memories. But in the stories are also the pain, the hurt and the loss. We need to tell these stories too. They help those who are beginning this journey to hear that others have similar stories and emotions. We connect to others through our shared experiences.

Jesus told parables or stories throughout his ministry to illustrate God’s love and Kingdom.  The stories help us remember and connect us to images and relationships.  Jesus knew we needed a way to relate to the greatness of God.  Stories made God relatable and real.  The stories tell us of God’s love and forgiveness. 

One of the hymns of faith I sang in my little country church when I was a child was “I Love to Tell the Story.”  The chorus says –

“I love to tell the story! ‘Twill be my theme in glory

To tell the old, old story of Jesus and His love.”

In our journey with Jesus, we keep telling how He walks with us, how he died for us, how he was resurrected to give us the hope of eternal life. In our grief, we tell the story of how Jesus comforts us, holds us in our sorrow, and gives us the hope we will see our loved one again in Heaven.  Stories of our loved ones keep them alive in our hearts and in the memories of others.  Keep telling the stories.  Tell how they loved, how they lived and how they made a difference in your life.  Tell the old, old stories.

Tribute to My Fourth Brother

“I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.  Henceforth there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that Day.”  2 Timothy 4:7-8

I grew up in a family with three brothers and a sister.  We were part of the church family at Wesley Chapel United Methodist Church.  It was in this church, I gained a fourth brother, Carl.  He had been adopted by Glen and Cecil who were members of the church, but more importantly, he was adopted into my family because of our shared love for Jesus.  Carl loved and respected my mom and dad which endeared me even more to him.  He treated my parents like his own who in turned loved Carl, too.

God blessed Carl with the gift of music.  He had a beautiful baritone voice and the Spirit of God flowed from his fingers as he played the piano.  When my dad was dying in the hospital, Carl came and sang the old hymns of faith as my siblings, my mom, and Carl gathered around his bed.  We sang my dad into heaven.  Carl sang at my parents’ anniversary party and their funerals.  When Carl sang, it was not just words and notes, but it was the presence of God being expressed in the song.  

Carl recently died and his funeral was this past week.  The service was truly a celebration of his life and his love for Jesus.  If you met Carl on the street, within minutes he was telling his story about Jesus and how Jesus saved him.  He shared Jesus with anyone who would listen, because he wanted everyone to know the love of Jesus in their hearts.  Carl’s smile was contagious and oh, his laughter.  It came from deep within him and spilled out all over you.  You became filled with joy just because you were in his presence.  Carl was a storyteller and oh, the stories he would tell.

When I heard that Carl had died, I was sad for me and all those he loved, but I was so happy for Carl.  He was now in the presence of the One he loved the most, Jesus.  Carl was more alive now than he had ever been.  He had given his life for Jesus, and because of what Jesus did for him, Carl was alive in Heaven forever with Jesus.  It brought me peace and joy that I knew Carl had hugged my mom and dad in Heaven.  Carl had fought the good fight of life.  He had finished the race.  Carl had lived his faith completely, and he received his crown in Heaven. Carl’s story was Jesus’s story, and now they are together in Heaven telling the stories.

As I listened to people share how Carl had impacted their lives, I felt a sense of peace and joy that “my brother” made a difference in this world and in my life.  Carl challenged me to share Jesus more directly with others and to tell my story.  He encouraged me to live out my calling in my life.  He always made me smile and enjoy the moments with him.  As I reflect on Carl’s impact, I ask myself how am I allowing Carl’s impact and influence to radiate to others in my life?  When we state that a person has made a difference in our lives, it should be evident to others and to God the person’s impact.  We need to live it out not just make a statement.

As we reflect on our own loved one who is now in Heaven, how are we living out their impact and influence in our daily lives?  They made a difference in our lives and leave a lasting legacy in our hearts.  So, how do others know it is their influence I am sharing?  Sometimes it is as simple as sharing my mom’s recipe.  It is loving a song because Dave loved it.  It is reading my Bible because my Grandma and Mom read their Bibles and lived their lives following God’s Word.  It is telling a story Dave always told. 

When making a decision, I find myself asking, “What would Dave do?”  When dealing with a situation in the family, I ask, “How would Mom have handled this?”  When I see life through the eyes of my loved one, I recognize how they live on in me and in this world.  They continue to influence others because they are a vital part of who we are.  They may not be physically present in this world, but their spirit remains active within us.  When I become aware of those who live on within me, I have hope and the assurance that I am never alone.

Rest In Relationship

“Come to me, all of you who are tired and have heavy loads, and I will give you rest.”  Matthew 11:28

Only in a handful of relationships of our lives are we truly vulnerable, completely honest and open, and feel accepted and loved.  In most relationships, we set healthy boundaries and have parts of ourselves that we keep hidden within.  We keep inside our fears, our sins, and our mess ups to most people.  We may fear the judgment of even our closest friends if they knew our thoughts and our failings.  Even in our relationship with God, we tend to hide from God our lack of faith and trust.  While we know it is impossible to keep anything from God, we attempt to compartmentalize our faith and our bad choices.

Relationships tend to change in our loss and grief.  We feel abandoned by family and friends who have been a part of our lives, but who no longer meet our needs or expectations.  We realize we have changed.  Our world has changed dramatically, so of course, the relationships in our world will change.  We had not expected this to happen.  The one relationship that was stable and helped us deal with changes and the struggles of life is gone.  Our person is the one we shared our feelings and emotions. The one we vented to and released all the stuff inside us. Now what do we do with them?

The term “soul mate” is a popular phrase in society and movies.  We search for our “soul mate.”  It is viewed as the person we are destined to be with and who understands us.  To me, a soul mate is one with whom we can be vulnerable, open and honest, and accepts and loves us for who we are but also challenges us to grow and be who we were created to be.  It is the person you are totally at ease with, and you rest your soul in his/her presence.

What does it mean to rest in the presence of someone?  While it does include the ability to physically rest with a person and to relax without judgment or obligation, it means so much more.  To rest in the presence of someone means you can say anything, share anything, and express your emotions and all is accepted, processed, discussed, forgiven, challenged and the relationship grows deeper and stronger.  Wow!  Now that’s a relationship.

I believe this rest relationship is fully experienced in Jesus.  He tells us that when we are tired and have heavy loads, He will give us rest.  But I also believe we receive a glimpse of this relationship through our special person here on earth.  I have experienced “rest” in a relationship where I could just be me.  I was loved and accepted.  We could talk for hours and share our views, our past, our hopes for the future, our faith and even the things that bothered us.  We had different goals and circles of influence, but we could walk into each other’s world and enhance the interactions.  We also could help carry the burden for each other in family situations.  We were blessed with each other.

A relationship emptiness occurs in our grief.  While we know our loved one is no longer physically with us, we had not expected the lack of stability, security, and comfort.  We rested in that assurance.  Nobody can replace or fill that relationship hole.  I have tried and it does not work.  I am learning to rest in my relationship with Jesus.  When the burden of life gets heavy, I come to Jesus.  When I have no idea what to do next, I come to Jesus.  When I am misunderstood or judged, I come to Jesus.  I come tired and weary and heavy laden, and I rest in Jesus’ presence.  I do not always receive immediate answers, but I receive rest from the heavy burden.  I allow Jesus to carry the burden of life.  I trust in Him even when I see no way, no hope, no direction. 

Family and friends will always disappoint us.  They cannot complete us.  They cannot fill the hole in our heart and lives.  Only Jesus can carry the load.  Everything in life comes down to relationships.  Rest in the love relationship of Jesus.  He does not always take away the pain and sadness of our loss, but he always helps carry the load.

Whispers of Grief

“Within the large crowd there, many people were whispering to each other about Jesus.”      John 7:12

It seems that everyone has a strong opinion about everything these days, and they are not afraid to make their views known.  We live in a culture of opinions and if you do not agree, people reject you.  Media is filled with “truths” and opinions and views of life and what is the right way to live and believe.  Social media has created this intensity of views and people who are not afraid to type their hatred and quickly tell others they are wrong.  All of this is overwhelming and should not be absorbed into your thoughts.  We have our views and beliefs, but in moments of doubt we hear the whisper within us, “Am I right?”

Oh, those whispers.  Sometimes they are murmurs or mutterings.  In our grief, it feels like others are whispering behind our backs.  “Oh, poor girl, she looks so sad.”  “Oh, he will never be able to survive on his own.”  And the whispering goes on and on.  We feel a judgment in the looks of others.  They make us question our decisions or lack of decision-making.  “Maybe they are right,” we think. “I really cannot survive on my own.  I am not strong enough.”

Then the internal whispers and mutterings become louder.  “I really do not know how to live this life.”  “I’m doing a terrible job making decisions.”  “I really messed up.”  “I have no clue who I am.”  Oh, the internal whispers may even keep us up at night.  They may force us to work extra hard to try to earn approval and acceptance.  We want to appear “normal,” but we have no idea what normal is anymore.  Nothing in life will ever be the same again.  The whispers tell us that it will be impossible to figure out life again.  Why bother?

All of these whispers are negative.  They really are mutterings of disapproval and not living up to the expectations of others or the unrealistic expectations within us.  Jesus never listened to these external whispers.  He did not trust himself to the people.  I believe we are listening to the wrong voice.  We need to listen to the whisper of the Spirit within us.  The still quiet voice of God that comes to dwell within us.  This whisper calls us to be still and rest in His presence.  This whisper speaks words of comfort and acceptance of our feelings and emotions.  But it is so difficult to hear the whisper of God living in the screams of this world.

I find myself muttering more to myself lately.  To mutter is to say something in a low and barely audible voice.  A mutter is usually spoken under one’s breath and is caused from irritability or not being heard.  I am irritated but accept that saying anything will just cause another to be upset or it will not make a difference or be understood if I speak out loud.  It has become a way of releasing the feelings.  It is my way of accepting things – “It is what it is.” But also recognizing I do not like it.  Muttering keeps me from stuffing thoughts and feelings inside, but also prevents me from hurting others or being misunderstood. 

As I talked with a widow this week, she spoke of feeling the stares and hearing the whispers of others around her.  She felt their pity and that made her angry.  She did not want pity but understanding and support.  I commented to another widow about how I was seeing her strength and boldness emerge over the past months.  She stated that her life is no longer based on other people’s opinions and pleasing them.  Her life has been turned upside down and they do not understand.  So why should she live her life pleasing people who do not give support or understand the grief journey.  It is time to ignore the whispering of others.  It is not that we are insensitive or disrespectful, it is that other people do not have control or power over our emotions, feelings, and life.

The external whispers of grief are usually critical of how we are dealing with our grief.  The whispers make assumptions about grief that are not true.  The whispers set a time frame and a linear path.  The internal whispers wonder why we are not doing better and why we keep returning to the same feelings and emotions.  The whispers wonder why we are not making progress.  The whispers tend to condemn not comfort.

We are listening to the wrong whispers.  As we quiet our souls and slow down our racing thoughts and anxiety, let us begin to listen to God whisper deep within our soul.  God does not judge nor condemn us for our sadness and deep grief.  God’s whisper is the sound of comfort and love.  His whisper gives us permission to be wherever we are and gives us the hope that we will not stay here.  We will move forward in our life with our grief.  We will begin to follow God’s voice to walk the path of life with His strength not our own.  Begin to change your internal whisper.

Grief On Repeat

“Lord, have mercy, because I am in misery.  My eyes are weak from so much crying, and my whole being is tired from grief.”    Psalm 31:9

“I thought I was through this.” “I was doing so much better.” “I feel like I am back to where I started.” “I feel like I did at the beginning.” “I’m a mess.”

I heard these statements this past week from widows and others on this grief journey.  Grief is not linear.  It goes in cycles.  Cycles that move forward at different paces.  We revisit many of our feelings and emotions throughout the grief process.  We feel defeated when we still feel the same, believing all that we have worked through was for nothing.  But there are reasons we return to these feelings and emotions.

In our grief repeat we may have been living in denial.  Not just denying that our loved one died, but even denying they lived because it hurts too much to remember.  We deny their death because we do not want to live in the reality that they are gone, and because they are gone, we have to figure out how to live in this different life.  We may also swing to the other extreme of denial by not talking about them, not looking at pictures and not allowing others to mention their name.  We do this because then all we have are these memories when what we want is them physically with us.  Our desire is to make more memories with them and not cling to past memories.

In the eleventh month after a death, we tend to re-live the previous year – either the illness and decline or all the last things we did together before the tragic and unexpected death.  We feel that emotionally we are back to where we started at the time of death.  We may focus on the “what if’s” during this time again, hoping we can figure out how to change the outcome.  Nothing changes the outcome.  We are changed. 

Events, dates, places, and relationships trigger this grief repeat response.  We may feel good one day and are proud of what we actually accomplished in life, and then something changes us and the deep grief overwhelms us.  We try to prepare for certain events knowing that emotionally it will be difficult.  Most of the intensity comes when we least expect it.  I knew it was the anniversary of the night of Dave’s death.  The actual date of his death was the 18th at 12:35 AM, but the memories of the 17th are the most vivid in my mind.  I always prepare for the 18th but this time it was the night of the 17th that caught me off guard.  As I lay in bed and heard the clock strike 11 PM, the pain of Dave’s death hit me so unexpectedly.  I curled up in a fetal position and cried.  I felt his struggle and pain.  I remember crying out to God to release him six years ago from this pain.  God did within a few hours.  My grief repeated and I felt the pain of release.  And then quietly God’s Spirit came and gave to me the peace and assurance that Dave was in Heaven.

The intensity of feelings and emotions connected with grief tend to repeat on this journey.  But I have found, they do not last as long because I allow God to take my hand and hold me close through them.  I also have the assurance that my loved one is in Heaven with Jesus.  The longer I walk this grief journey, the more assured I am of Heaven.  The more I long for Heaven.  The more Heaven is real to me.

Give yourself permission to grieve again and again.  To feel the familiar emotions.  To stay in these feelings.  I believe this is how God helps us grow and strengthens us.  We make these feelings real.  We experience the deep love and the pain and separation.  We begin to rely even more on God and His strength.  We accept we cannot do this alone.  We need God’s Spirit to fill us.  We need God’s comforting mercy.  We repeat and repeat these feelings and emotions so that we will learn to give more and more of the burden and pain to Jesus.

Blessed In Sorrow

“The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.”  Job 1:21

The tears welled up in my eyes as we sang the third verse of the hymn “Victory In Jesus.”  I cried for the first time on this verse fifteen years ago as we sang it at the end of my mom’s funeral.  I cried again when it was sung to close the funeral service of my husband, Dave, six years ago.  I know my mom and Dave are together with Jesus in Heaven.  They have victory through Jesus’ death on the cross.  They both gave their hearts and lives to Jesus.

I heard about a mansion he has built for me in glory,

And I heard about the streets of gold beyond the crystal sea;

About the angels singing and the old redemption story,

And some sweet day I’ll sing up there the song of victory.

O victory in Jesus, my Savior forever!

He sought me and bought me

 with His redeeming blood;

He loved me ere I knew him,

And all my love is due him,

He plunged me to victory

Beneath the cleansing flood.

This past week, September 18th, marks six years that Dave has been in Heaven and received victory in Jesus.  God released Dave from pain and welcomed him to walk the streets of gold.  On the 18th, I officiated at the graveside funeral of the son of one of Dave’s dearest friends.  He was buried at the foot of his mom’s grave which is two graves from Dave.  I have two more funerals this week – a mother and grandmother and then a dad and grandfather.   I also attended a graveside service this past week.  So, four people were released from this world and went to Heaven.

I was blessed to have known three of the people personally and blessed to know the family of the fourth person.  The Lord gives life and the Lord releases people from the life of this world.  In the process, the sorrow and blessings of life are experienced.  We are blessed to have parents and grandparents for a long period of time, but for some it is only a short time.  We are blessed to have friends, brothers and sisters, husbands and wives, and children but their time on earth is never enough.  I talked with a husband whose wife had just died.  They had been married seventy years, and he did not know life without her.  But he was blessed he said with her love, her kindness, and her companionship.  While relationships can be complicated, we are blessed with memories and a legacy.  We can learn from the struggles and from the blessings. 

As I again spent some time with my three brothers this past week, I am blessed with family who share a common foundation of faith.  In our losses, we have the assurance our spouses are in heaven.  They have victory in Jesus.  We are blessed in our sorrow.  As I walk the journey of grief with families, the sorrow is evident but so is the blessings.  Our loved ones leave imprints on our lives and their love is forever in our hearts.

It seems at times, impossible to live without our loved one.  We just do not want to live our lives with the emptiness that comes from them leaving this world.  But our hearts remain full of love and the assurance of Jesus’ victory over death.  We are blessed, but the sorrow and loneliness remain.   We are blessed in our sorrow.

The Bond With My Brothers

“And Joseph kissed all his brothers and cried as he hugged them.  After this, his brothers talked with him.”    Genesis 45:15

“So Joseph comforted his brothers and spoke kind words to them.”   Genesis 50:21

Recently I sat with my three brothers at a wedding reception.  We had the opportunity to talk, just the four of us for an extended period of time.  We talked about farming, tractors, gardens, memories, and family.  We share a bond.   First, because we are siblings.  We have the same mom and dad.  We have the same relatives.  We share the same Christian faith and foundation.  Our early years were influenced by the same Sunday School teachers and some of the same teachers in public school.  We grew up in the same house and on the same farm.  While we have the same foundation, our lives took us in many different directions, but the foundation of faith and family remained firm and strong.

I share another bond with my brothers.  We lost our parents.  We each grieved in different ways, but we all felt the deep loss and hole in our hearts not having our parents.  We have remained connected since their death and continue to get together each month along with my sister.  We also share the bond of grief in the loss of a spouse.  We understand heartache and loss and grief.  We have experienced the loss of companionship and love.

I have walked with my two oldest brothers this past year the journey of death and grief.  We have talked regularly on the phone.  I was with them through the dying process, the death and funeral.  We have talked about how life is different.  One brother has stayed busy as a way of dealing with the changes.  While the other brother has been quieter and more reflective.  We have each grieved in our own way and in our own time.  Because I have walked the journey, I have provided comfort and guided them in what to expect next.

While my family has never been demonstrative in expressing love, through this bond my oldest brother and I say “I love you” at the end of each phone conversation.  My brothers will at least give a side hug when I see them which is a huge step.  At times, I can even get them to express their emotions and feelings which is hard for many men and especially farmers.

We also share the bond of new relationships.  My one brother has been remarried for years, and my two other brothers have lady friends.  They are enjoying the companionship and a renewed outlook on life.  They smile and laugh and have someone to share the joys and struggles of life.  But with these new relationships comes some complications.  My brothers have children and grandchildren.  Their children and grandchildren have lost their mom and grandmother. While they want their dad and grandpa to be happy, they are still sad.  When you lose a spouse, you never replace the spouse.  The hole in your heart remains.  You just make space in your heart for companionship and sometimes love again.  But children are not looking for companionship after the loss, they just miss their mom and grandma who provided the unconditional and sacrificial love in their life.  Not all children receive this type of love from their maternal parent, but for those who do, the loss is intense.

I realize that other women have taken on the motherly role in my life, but nobody fills that role like my mom did.  When I married Dave, I took on the role as “step-mom”, but I never had the maternal role because their mom was in Heaven.  I was more of a friend.  I was their Dad’s wife.  They had a mom who would always be in their hearts.

Grief complicates relationships.  We miss our loved one.  We know our loved one is in Heaven.  We believe they want us to live our lives completely.  We long for companionship and to share life with someone.  We want to be considerate of other people’s feelings and grief.  The relationship of our loved one is complete on earth.  We cannot add more to the relationship.  The love for them never ends.  Our lives continue on earth, and we need to figure out what that looks like.  For some having a companion to share this next chapter of life is valuable and fulfilling.  For others, the thought of someone new in their life seems like a betrayal and they have chosen to remain alone.  It is whatever works for you.

The bond with my brothers has deepened because of loss and grief and new relationships.  We share and understand even though we make different decisions.  We all will grieve at some time in our lives.  We all will need comfort and guidance as we maneuver this new path of life.  Be open to the unexpected.  Be aware of God’s presence.  Your life will take unexpected turns going through some deep valleys.  Learn from each of these encounters and look behind you to help those beginning the journey.  Use your experiences to be of support to others.  There is a bond.

Pondering My Thoughts

“The Lord says, “My thoughts are not like your thoughts.  Your ways are not like my ways.  Just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.”  Isaiah 55:8-9

I have been doing a lot of pondering lately.  Pondering to me is resting in my thoughts.  It is staying in my thoughts and waiting for God in these thoughts.  I am thinking about my life, my future, my relationships, and reflecting on my past and those who have influenced my journey.  Some of this pondering has come because of the time of year.  Fall brings these thoughts.  Some of the pondering comes from the changes around me and the need to let go of relationships.  Some of these thoughts come because of age.

As I sit outside today writing these words, the wind is blowing.  I cannot tell where it is coming from or where it is going, but it touches me and brings a refreshment to my soul.  I do not know where my thoughts will take me.  Sometimes, I need to stop them from going down a trail that is not healthy.  Sometimes I need to rest in the thoughts before speaking them or acting upon them.  But in all my thoughts, I am being reminded that God’s Spirit flows through them.

Our thoughts race all over the place.  We think about the future, and it brings thoughts of what will it look like? The feelings of fear sneak into our thoughts. We think about the past, and regret and guilt take over our thought pattern.  We think about today and the list of all that needs to be done plays through our mind.  It can become overwhelming.  Our thoughts seem to race continually through our head and seem to be on the repeat cycle.  They speed up and exhaust us at times.  Many of us go then to the worst-case scenario and image all that could go wrong.  Our thoughts tend to go to the negative first and dwell there for a long time.  This is when anxiety jumps into our thoughts and our thoughts speed up and become jumbled all together.  We cannot distinguish what is real and what is feared.

Therefore, I have begun pondering my thoughts.  It slows me down to rest in one thought at a time.  I think about all the options and possibilities.  I think about how it would play out and who would be affected.  Then I rest my thoughts in the One who knows my thoughts.  On this grief journey, I have come to accept that I will never know the answers nor will my thoughts always have a visible path.  I have grown into resting in God’s peace.  My pondering has led me to give my thoughts to God who in turn gives me peace.  Peace that I do not need a immediate plan of action but to trust that God knows my thoughts and concerns and questions.

I am learning that thoughts are just thoughts.  They are ideas being formulated in our minds.  They come from experiences, dreams, decisions that need to be made, and just random things we see and hear.  Thoughts mingle together in our brains.  Thoughts just like feelings are neither good nor bad on their own.  It is what we do with them that brings a judgment.  I am beginning to give my thoughts to God.  I think for awhile and then realize, I do not know where to go next.  God’s thoughts are greater and higher than mine, so I just ponder until I do not know where to go with the thought and I give it to God so our thoughts can mingle together.

I may feel it is time to act on my thoughts.  I may even feel it is God’s will and direction for my life, but I need to wait for God to move.  I need to wait on God’s ways and thoughts.  So how do I know?  I rest my thoughts with God.  I wait for God.  This never feels natural because we desire to know the next steps and what life will be like.  Faith is believing God is already there in the next step and will take our hand when it is time to take the step.

So let us do some pondering.  Let’s ponder our thoughts and wait for God to direct our thoughts.  Let’s ponder together.

For A Long Time

“Jacob continued to be sad about his son for a long time.  All of his sons and daughters tried to comfort him, but he could not be comforted.  He said, “I will be sad about my son until the day I die.”    Genesis 37:34-35

As summer begins to wind down, and we turn the calendar to September, my soul opens the door of sadness.  September will be six years since my husband, Dave, went to Heaven.  October will be fifteen years since my mom took the journey home.  I will always remember, and the feelings of sadness seem to come closer and linger longer during this time.

“How long will these feelings last?”  “Will I ever get over this grief?”  “Is this how my life will always feel?”  Questions we ask on this journey of grief.  The answers are different for each person.  The reality is that grief will be a part of our lives until the day we die.  Nothing takes away the feeling of loss and grief, we just incorporate it into our lives. 

When Jacob could not be comforted, he was sharing that nothing will take away the hole in his heart.  His dear son will always be missed, and nobody could replace him.  It is an emptiness that cannot be filled.  We have other relationships in our lives that bring us joy and comfort us in some ways, but we do not relate to them in the same way we did our loved one.  Each relationship of our lives is unique and blesses our lives with gifts and graces special only from them.

I am beginning the journey home to Heaven with a dear friend who has lived into his tenth century of life.  As we talked about life, he reminded me that he still has life to live.  He wants to live fully every moment God gives to him.  He has so far.  He has lived with sadness and loss his entire life.  It has helped to shape him and define what is truly important in life.  He will always be my friend.  I will treasure our relationship for a long time.  And when God calls him home to heaven, I will be sad.

Along with the sadness though come the memories.  I will remember for a long time, too.  I will always be sad that I cannot make new memories with Dave or my mom or my friend, but I remember their love and impact on my life.  I remember daily the difference they each made in my life.  As I remember them, I also begin to remember those I have loved and are in heaven with them.  I have come to believe comfort is a form of peace.  The world cannot give true peace nor heal the brokenness of my heart.  Peace and healing only come from Jesus. 

I will be sad the rest of my days on earth because those I have loved are not physically with me.  But my foundation rests not in this world but in eternity where my sadness will turn to joy as I am reunited with all those I love.  Death brings a reunion in Heaven.  Yes, that gives us hope for the future, but we still feel the sadness and loss in our daily lives.  We live in hope but we also live in sadness.  Life will never be the same here on earth.  It is the life we did not choose, but it is the life we have.   

So how do I live in this sadness and still find meaning to my daily life?  Sadness is an emotion, but there are so many other emotions that fill my heart and soul.  Sadness is just one of them.  I live in other emotions too.  It is allowing the emotions to mingle together and create who I am now.  It is living in the moments of life and trusting in the hope of the future in Heaven.

Pleasing

“And a voice from heaven said, “This is my Son, whom I love, and I am very pleased with him.”  Matthew 3:17

I remember as a child, wanting to please my parents by doing well in school, doing my chores, and following the rules.  I did not always meet my own expectations.  As we grow and mature, some of us become “people pleasers.”  We focus on meeting the needs of others at the expense of ourselves.  When I married Dave, while I was independent in my ministry career, I deferred to Dave many times in decisions.  I ate what he liked and made meals based on what Dave wanted.  When I went to the grocery store, I purchased mainly items that appealed to him while buying only a few food items I liked.  I made the choice out of love.

Sometimes in marriages and relationships, one person’s preferences are dominate.  It is not that one does not have an opinion but prefers to defer to the other.  Sometimes this is done out of sacrificial love, and with the truth that it does not really matter.  Other times it is done to please the other person and we lose ourselves in that person.  Decisions while discussed and shared, are made based on the other person’s perspective.  In some marriages, the two have become like one and share the same views or as one widow states – “We just shared a brain.”

When our spouse dies and decisions are left solely to ourselves, it becomes difficult to make even the simplest of decisions like what to buy at the grocery store.  We had become accustomed to deferring to our spouse or getting their input in decisions.  We may have lived our entire married life focused on pleasing our spouse.  It just became natural, and it developed into our way of life.  The person you deferred to may not have been your spouse, but another family member whose opinion and views took precedence in your life.

Now in our grief, we may be trying to please everyone else.  Our family does not want us to be sad and cry, so we hide the tears from those we love.  We attempt to grieve in a way that will not make others feel uncomfortable.  We listen to the advice of others and go to activities we would prefer not going.  We put on the social face when all we really want to do is to be home alone and rest.  We want others to be happy and have a life, so we keep our grief and feelings inside to please them.

Who are you trying to please?  It sure is not yourself.  You may even think you should be better or farther down the road with your grief.  You are not even meeting your own expectations of yourself which makes you feel worthless and question whether you are even really trying.  When you try to make decisions for yourself, you realize you do not know yourself or what you like.  So where do you start?

I found that I had to start at my foundation.  I heard the words The Father spoke to Jesus after his baptism – “This is my son, whom I love, and I am very pleased with him.”  I am God’s child.  God loves me.  God is pleased with me.  This is my foundation.  God is the only one I need to please, and that happens by me loving God and staying close to him.  You will never please everyone nor is it your responsibility to please other people.  You need to be genuinely who God created you to be.  And as you do, you begin to see yourself as valuable and a person of worth who has opinions, preferences, and capable of making decisions. 

I find myself being more straight forward and not agreeing with everybody just to please them.  I have made many decisions which were not understood by others, but they were what I chose to do at the moment.  While I am respectful toward others, my life is not about pleasing other people.  I have to live my own life.  It is the life I have, not what I wanted, but what I currently have.

Grief changes us.  We may have been a “people pleaser” all our lives, but now it seems to require too much effort to please others.  Our priorities change and we recognize we are the only ones who know how we feel.  Our purpose and focus changes.  It is not selfish to care for yourself.  In caring for yourself, you find your true self.  The person who God loves.  We slow down and uncover the foundation of our lives.  You are a child of God.  God is pleased with you when you rest in His presence. 

Source of Nourishment

“Then Jesus took the loaves of bread, thanked God for them, and gave them to the people who were sitting there.  He did the same with the fish, giving as much as the people wanted.” 

John 6:11

In our grief journey, we focus on our feelings and emotions even though we may not be able to name them, we still feel something.  We feel the emptiness and loss.  Our body may take in nutrition from food, but we feel starved and malnourished.  We do not eat healthy but choose food to comfort us.  Comfort does not come but we cling to something familiar.  We may eat very little because nothing tastes good, nor do we desire food.

 I have found in grief a lack of nourishment not just in the body but in the soul. Are you spiritually empty and do not realize it?  When the fog and cloudiness of grief begins to lift, we focus mainly on the physical needs around us.  We take care of daily tasks, the needs of family, and our work.  Throughout the day, our thoughts clamor for attention and swirl all around in our heads.  We feel overwhelmed and exhausted.  We deal with the physical, mental, and emotional part of life and grief, but struggle with who we are spiritually on this journey.

The easiest way to deal with life is not deal with it.  It is not facing the reality of life, and we remain in denial and distraction.  We go through the motions of daily tasks, and then we fall into bed at night to do it all over again the next day.  We may distract through electronics, food, sleep, and a host of other unhealthy ways.  It is OK to stop and just exist for a while.  Sometimes in this existing, we take care of the needs of everyone around us but avoid dealing with our own needs and figuring out who we are now.  We are just not ready to figure out ourselves.

I believe God has more for each one of us.  Pain and loss have a purpose, but it involves a risk, and it seems like hard work to face the pain.  Our instinct is to run from it, but to grow spiritually we need to run toward it.  God does not waste any experience of our lives, bringing good out of every bad, giving us growth and maturity in the hard aches of life.  In the feeding of the five thousand, Jesus multiples the loaves and fish, and after everyone had as much as they wanted, the leftovers were picked up.  God does not waste anything and uses everything to teach us and stretch us to grow spiritually.

The applause of Heaven is not that you handled life perfectly and accomplished everything right.  The applause is that you kept trying and allowed your emotions to be expressed.  You let Jesus into your pain and loss.  You had nothing to give to him but your life and heart that was empty, and he gave to you as much as you wanted. 

Do you want it?  You may say, “I don’t know what I want right now?”  I get it.  It is difficult to focus beyond the pain and loss.  It will always be a part of who you are, but you are more than the emptiness and exhaustion.  Your soul needs nourishment.  You need a foundation for your life.  Everything in your world was turned upside down and you need a foundation to build your new life.  We cannot do this alone.  We are not strong enough on our own nor do we have the power to do this alone.  To begin to build your new life, your need a spiritual foundation.  God is a big God and can take your hurt, your anger, your doubts, and your questions.  Give them all to Him.  Begin by taking a step of trust.  Begin by having a conversation – “Jesus, I need you.”  “Father, take my hand.”  It is a foundation stone.  You are a child of God.  God wants to nourish your soul and give you all you need.  In the scripture of the feeding of the five thousand, all the people did was sit down and Jesus did the rest and fed them until they were full.

Sometimes, all we need to do is sit down and rest from the swirling thoughts, the lists of things to do, the worry and fear that overwhelms, and allows Jesus to come to us. Just sit in his presence and allow your soul to be nourished in the love of Jesus.  Spiritual nourishment does not take away the loss and pain, but gives you purpose and strength to move forward in building a life.  It is what you have now.  Nourish your soul, my friend.

Donation To Life

“Well done, good and faithful servant; you have been faithful over a little, I will set you over much; enter into the joy of your master.”   Matthew 25:21

I received an email this past week – “My mom is nearing the end.”  And two days later, the email said, “Mom died peacefully this morning.  Thank you for your many years of caring about her.  This has been a long road.  I am happy for her but sad for us.”  Oh, the memories that flood my heart and soul of Wilma.  She was the Senior Pastor’s wife at the first church I served on staff.  I remember first her smile and love and acceptance of everyone.  She had a childlike love for life and joy radiated from her soul.  I remember the Christmas I spent with her family because of a winter storm that prevented me from traveling to my family.  The time she stepped on a bat at an evening worship service to protect all the ladies.  I remember her love for Jesus and her family.  The disease took her memory but not my memories of her.

Then I saw the Facebook post.  Justin had died.  The family stated – “Please honor our wishes of not asking questions.”  I did not need to know how he died, but I knew how he lived.  Justin donated his organs to give life to others through Lifeline of Ohio.  I was Justin’s youth minister.  He was involved in Sunday School, Youth Group and Work Camp.  It was at Work Camp, Justin thrived and donated his heart to the needs of others.  He was patient in teaching girls to use a hammer and power tools.  He was dependable and always finished the job.  He was the first to volunteer and the last to leave a work site.

Wilma and Justin were a part of the same church family at one time.  I believe both heard the words, “Well done, good and faithful servant” when they walked into Heaven.  Both gave their lives to Jesus.  They lived their lives and faith differently, but both made a difference in my life.  They donated their life willingly to others and served quietly and humbly.

The sadness and questions come with their deaths.  Why so young?  Why such a cruel disease?  Oh, we could get stuck in these questions, but then we would miss their legacy and impact on our life.  We wonder why God would allow such pain and unfairness.  Again, no answer.  It is changing our focus from how they died to how they lived and how their lives and deaths impacted others.

A friend of Justin’s reminded everyone after his death – “Take the time for family and friends.  Appreciate the time you have.  Don’t take them for granted that they will always be there.”  Life is short and precious.  Relationships matter.  Focus on people not on possessions, work, and stuff so much.  Relationships are the only thing from earth we take to Heaven.

Justin’s death reminded me of three other guys from the same youth group who have died – Jason, Cody, and Andrew.  All died too young and tragically.  No answer to the why.  But I am grateful and humbled to have been their youth minister and to have had a small part of sharing Jesus with them.  Wilma loved me and accepted me as I began my ministry and planted seeds of faith and humility in me.  Because of her love and encouragement, I grew and allowed God’s Spirit to use me in ministry.  This led to sharing Jesus with four young men who received Jesus into their hearts and are now in Heaven with her.

Justin donated his organs to give life to many people, but he also donated his humble spirit especially through work camp and planted seeds of faith and service into the lives of many youth, even those other three young men who are now with him in Heaven.  Wilma donated her life to serve others by being a pastor’s wife.  She lovingly sacrificed and put the needs of others first.

I have begun to recognize those who are now in Heaven who have donated life, love, and faith to me on this journey of life.  Because of their sacrifices, I am further down the road of life and have followed their example of sacrifice and service to others.  We are sad when those we love and care for die.  We cannot stop death or answer the “why” question, but we can rejoice they have been a part of our lives and learn from their life and follow their example.  Donate life in humble service. This is the sacrificial love that Jesus gave to us.  He donated his life and made the sacrifice so that we could be forgiven and have life eternally with him.

The Heaviness of Grief and Life

“Come to me, all of you who are tired and have heavy loads, and I will give you rest.”  Matthew 11:28

She described her grief as a heavy weight all around her.  It was like having this huge bubble around her that weighed her down and was also a barrier to prevent others from entering into her grief and emotions.  The heaviness is exhausting and seems too intense to carry.  She also asked, “If grief is like a hole in our hearts and lives, why is a hole, an emptiness, so heavy?”  If something is empty, it should weigh less, but in grief and life the opposite seems to be true. 

We feel empty inside when our loved one is gone whether in death, divorce, or breakup. Every task seems overwhelming. We would prefer not living this life. Not that we are suicidal, we just do not see the purpose of life without our loved one. The clarity and hope for life that once filled us, has washed away, and created this emotional hole in our heart. Every relationship, task and interaction seem like work and tires us out.

Being tired, exhausted, and overwhelmed are all stages of our grief and even our daily lives.  These are ways our emotions come out physically.  We feel the weariness in our physical body and push ourselves to get out of bed and preform the basic daily tasks of life.  We may fall into bed at night or even throughout the day feeling exhausted and wonder where all our energy and drive has gone.  We look at a list of things to do and feel overwhelmed even to accomplish the simplest of tasks.  This is the heaviness of grief.

In being overwhelmed, we may have the desire to fix life for everyone else – to make sure they are happy, healthy and have all their needs met while ignoring our own needs.  We take on the world and attempt to control our environment and the relationships around us because we could not control the loss.  We need to ask ourselves – “Is this really my responsibility?”  While we desire the ones we love to be healthy and happy, it is not our responsibility to manage their lives.  Being overwhelmed is when we take on roles and tasks that are not part of our purpose and obligation.

Jesus calls us to come to him when we are tired and weary, and He will give us rest.  Oh, that sounds so good, but we do not often come to Jesus.  We believe we need to handle life on our own.  We may feel that we are not important enough or what we are struggling with seems insignificant to all the world’s problems for Jesus to care about us.  Rest is what we really need.  Not just physical rest, but emotional and spiritual rest.  Our society does not value rest because when we take a vacation, we need to travel and be active and do all the attractions.  We come home from “the rest” weary and tired.

I have come to realize in my journey, that rest is so important to my soul.  I admit I do not rest as much as I need to, but I have begun to rest in God’s presence.  When I feel overwhelmed with my “To do” list, I pause and pray – “God, keep me focused on one thing at a time.  One thing completed and move to the next.”  When we focus on all that needs to be done, we are overwhelmed and end up doing nothing.  Pray.  One thing done.  Move to the next.  Then rest. 

Give to Jesus the burden and responsibility for life.  Jesus does not take us out of the grief but helps to carry the heavy load.  We just need to let him into the bubble.  Admit it is impossible to walk this journey alone.  Today I need physical rest.  I push myself to exercise and keep active.  I always have time for others who need to talk and need my assistance.  Today, I need rest from taking on everyone else’s concerns, and I need to rest my soul in Jesus. 

Remember, Jesus helps to carry the heaviness of life.  Jesus does not always remove the burden, but when two people carry the load, it is lighter.  We just need to release control even when control seems like the only thing we have grasp.  Sometimes you need to set down the burden and grief and allow Jesus to carry it and give you rest.  Rest is a needed stage of grief and life.  Rest, my friend!