Grief On Repeat
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“Lord, have mercy, because I am in misery. My eyes are weak from so much crying, and my whole being is tired from grief.” Psalm 31:9
“I thought I was through this.” “I was doing so much better.” “I feel like I am back to where I started.” “I feel like I did at the beginning.” “I’m a mess.”
I heard these statements this past week from widows and others on this grief journey. Grief is not linear. It goes in cycles. Cycles that move forward at different paces. We revisit many of our feelings and emotions throughout the grief process. We feel defeated when we still feel the same, believing all that we have worked through was for nothing. But there are reasons we return to these feelings and emotions.
In our grief repeat we may have been living in denial. Not just denying that our loved one died, but even denying they lived because it hurts too much to remember. We deny their death because we do not want to live in the reality that they are gone, and because they are gone, we have to figure out how to live in this different life. We may also swing to the other extreme of denial by not talking about them, not looking at pictures and not allowing others to mention their name. We do this because then all we have are these memories when what we want is them physically with us. Our desire is to make more memories with them and not cling to past memories.
In the eleventh month after a death, we tend to re-live the previous year – either the illness and decline or all the last things we did together before the tragic and unexpected death. We feel that emotionally we are back to where we started at the time of death. We may focus on the “what if’s” during this time again, hoping we can figure out how to change the outcome. Nothing changes the outcome. We are changed.
Events, dates, places, and relationships trigger this grief repeat response. We may feel good one day and are proud of what we actually accomplished in life, and then something changes us and the deep grief overwhelms us. We try to prepare for certain events knowing that emotionally it will be difficult. Most of the intensity comes when we least expect it. I knew it was the anniversary of the night of Dave’s death. The actual date of his death was the 18th at 12:35 AM, but the memories of the 17th are the most vivid in my mind. I always prepare for the 18th but this time it was the night of the 17th that caught me off guard. As I lay in bed and heard the clock strike 11 PM, the pain of Dave’s death hit me so unexpectedly. I curled up in a fetal position and cried. I felt his struggle and pain. I remember crying out to God to release him six years ago from this pain. God did within a few hours. My grief repeated and I felt the pain of release. And then quietly God’s Spirit came and gave to me the peace and assurance that Dave was in Heaven.
The intensity of feelings and emotions connected with grief tend to repeat on this journey. But I have found, they do not last as long because I allow God to take my hand and hold me close through them. I also have the assurance that my loved one is in Heaven with Jesus. The longer I walk this grief journey, the more assured I am of Heaven. The more I long for Heaven. The more Heaven is real to me.
Give yourself permission to grieve again and again. To feel the familiar emotions. To stay in these feelings. I believe this is how God helps us grow and strengthens us. We make these feelings real. We experience the deep love and the pain and separation. We begin to rely even more on God and His strength. We accept we cannot do this alone. We need God’s Spirit to fill us. We need God’s comforting mercy. We repeat and repeat these feelings and emotions so that we will learn to give more and more of the burden and pain to Jesus.
