Remembering Not To Forget

“Those who hear God’s teaching and do nothing are like people who look at themselves in a mirror.  They see their faces and then go away and quickly forget what they looked like.”     

James 1:23-24

Recently a widow stated, “I am afraid I will forget what his touch felt like.”  Pictures help us remember what our loved one looked like.  Our memory in our head is a conglomeration of snap shots of our life together.  We attempt to allow the memories of the illness and dying to fade and focus on our loved one alive and living with us.

When I give myself permission to remember and just stroll through the past, my thoughts dwell on moments that bring feelings of joy and contentment.  While we try to live in the moments of the present, it is important that we give ourselves the luxury of the past.  The past reminds us that our loved one lived and influenced our lives and who we are today.  We remember not only the events and the person, but who we were when we shared life with them.

This past week, I have spent many moments remembering my mom and dad.  My parents’ birthdays were one day apart in January.  My sister posted several pictures of them, and I have several pictures in my home.  I took out the scrapbooks and slowly took a journey into my past and remembered their love and influence in my life.  I remembered the farm, the animals, the hard work, the family times, and how my parents instilled in me the love for God.  I remembered with love but also with a little sadness that I could not celebrate their birthdays with them.  I miss my parents.  I never will forget them.  They live on in this world through their children, grandchildren and all the people who knew them.  The faith of my mom continues here on earth.

Remembering is good.  Remembering how our loved one lived, loved, and influenced others and leaves a legacy.  All of these are good memories.  But with the memories also comes the sadness that we will not make any new memories with them.  That we must live in this world without them physically beside us.  We make decisions without their input and guidance.  We need to find ways to live in the present moments.

When we live in the present moments, we fear that we are leaving our loved one behind.  It does not feel right to live and find joyous moments without them.  When we find happiness, a part of us feels guilty.  We should be sad instead because our loved one cannot experience this moment with us.  We feel confused inside.  We know our loved one would want us to experience life and live in these precious moments, but we feel the guilt that we get the privilege of living and they did not.

The more we attempt to live in the present and find a life, the more it feels like we are forgetting our loved one.  The physical image seems to fade at times even though we have pictures.  We try to feel the touch, to remember the laugh, and to hear the voice.  We may go moments longer without thinking about them, and it feels like we are forgetting them.  I believe they have become such a part of our spirit and heart, that we take them with us in every moment.  We no longer need to be intentional in remembering because our loved one is within us. Our loved one has a permanent place in our heart and our mind.  We take them with us in all of our thoughts, experiences, and adventures of life.  Their touch may allude us.  Their voice and laughter may fade, but their love and spirit is always within us.

The Consuming Cold

“In the daytime the sun took away my strength, and at night I was cold and could not sleep.”  Genesis 31:40

My dog, Annie and I walk in every type of weather.  I never have to decide if I am going to walk.  It is just what I do every day with her.  In these cold days, I am reminded of what a friend once told me - “There is no bad weather, just inappropriate dress.”  I need to “bundle up” as my dad would say – hat, scarf, mittens, layers, and walk briskly.  But some days no matter how much I layer and “bundle up,” the cold wind just goes through me, and it takes awhile to warm up.  Usually after one of these walks, I drink some hot tea and change into warm clothing.  When we had a wood burning stove, I would stand next to it until the heat penetrated to my bones.

In the winter cold, the night air is crisp, and the stars and moon seem brighter.  The coldness brings out beauty in the sky and the grass glistens from the frost.  But the cold also brings ice on the windshields that need to be scraped, and ice on the walkways that make walking more challenging. 

Grief has a coldness that chills us to the core of our being.  When our loved one is gone, we feel the cold emptiness deep within us.  It is like winter last forever in our hearts.  Casey Lee Williams wrote a song entitled “Cold” which speaks to this hurt within us – 

Now it’s cold without you here

It’s like winter lasts all year

But your star is still in the sky

So I won’t say goodbye

I don’t have to say goodbye 

The light you gave to guide me

Will never fade away

But moving forward never felt

As hard as today.

Before we can focus on the hope in these words, we need to feel the deep cold of the emptiness without the one we have loved.  Our hearts turn cold after a loss.  We fear letting anyone into our hearts out of being hurt and going through this difficult pain again.  Our hearts become stone cold, and we wall up our feelings and emotions because we just do not want to feel the pain of reality.  The reality of moving forward without our loved one seems impossible.  We fear we will forget them if we attempt to live in the moments of life.  The light of their life and love never leaves us.  We do not see them outwardly and physically, but their light shines in our hearts.  We see life now through their love in our hearts. 

In the coldness of winter, sometimes it seems hard to remember the warmth of the summer sun.  The warmth will come again.  The cold will not last forever.  The consuming cold will not last forever, but we will cycle through it just like we cycle through the seasons of the calendar year.  We do not say goodbye to the cold forever, but we will see you again next winter.  Just like we do not say goodbye forever to our loved one, we will see them again in Heaven.  That is the hope we cling to in the cold winters of our grief.

Today may be hard for you.  You may feel the coldness of the weather that penetrates your heart and soul.  Allow yourself to feel the cold, but also know the warmth of God’s love is waiting to surround you. Recognize the moments of consuming cold and difficulty.  Also, recognize the moments of light and warmth that guide and direct our path.  Light is present even in the cold.  It reminds us this will not last forever.  God will shine his light of love and peace into the coldness of our souls.

Talking Alone

“In my trouble I called to the Lord.  I cried out to my God for help.  From his temple he heard my voice; my call for help reached his ears.”  Psalm 18:6

“Nobody listens.”  “Nobody seems to hear me.”  “I cannot put it into words.”  “I cried out in the darkness.”  These are all statements we have spoken in our hearts on our grief journey.  Nobody seems to want to listen to the hurt of others.  Or if we do share, others seem to disregard it or give us trite statements that they think are encouraging but just wound our soul.

We cry out inside.  The person who used to understand and was present for us, no longer occupies space next to us.  We feel alone.  We cry out in the darkness.  Does God really hear me?  Psalm 18 tells us that our cries reach the ears of our Heavenly Father.  God hears every hurt, sigh, every word of our broken hearts.

I have spent a lot of time on hold recently as I have changed addresses, cell phone carriers, utilities, and all the financial paperwork.  Sometimes I have listened to music as I waited, and others offer to call you back when they are available.  Fortunately, they cannot hear what we say to them while we are on hold.  I explain why I am calling.  Most are very helpful.  But it seems nothing goes smoothly, and I need to call back several times to get everything resolved.  I just mess up.  Everything seems difficult.  Nothing goes as expected.

So the other night, I was cleaning my condo from the painter and was beginning to organize my space.  I was looking for the curtain rod and could not find it anywhere.  And then I just began to talk out loud, rant, and release all the stuff that has consumed me over the past months.  It all came out.  My dog, Annie, ran to find out whom I was talking with and then she hid in her bed.  I just talked and talked to nobody in particular – just released it all into the air.  Then I thanked God for the privilege of having these issues and for my place to live with all my needs being met.  I thanked God that he loves me in spite of my frustrations and rants.

Nobody understands like Jesus.  I did not want someone to tell me it would be better or to calm down.  I just needed to release all of my frustrations, emotions and feelings that had been within me.  I needed to talk alone with God.  I needed to release all the words inside of me. Nobody accepts all of me like God.  God just loves me.  Accepts me.  Allows me to be me.

In our grief, we spend most of our grieving time alone.  That deep intense sobbing loneliness ache is reserved when we are alone.  And, oh, we feel so alone.  For me, it has been this loneliness that has guided me to talk with God even more.  I recognize that God hears my heart.  God cares about what is deep inside of me.  I also listen more to God.  My desire is to hear God speak to my heart.  The more time I spend with God, the more I hear God speak to my heart.  God speaks in a different way than other people do at least for me.  I feel and sense God’s words.  They just come to me, and I now recognize them as God talking with me.

In grief, we cry out in the darkness.  We may not feel or hear God, and we may even have doubt that God is even with us.  We did not choose this life.  We prayed for a different outcome, but this is what we have.  Our faith tells us to trust, but our heart hurts.  We need to trust in the hurt.  Cry out in the darkness.  God is there even when we doubt and do not feel his presence.  Keep talking when you feel alone and are lonely.  Talk with your loved one.  Talk to God.  They are together in Heaven.  Just keep the conversation flowing.

Not a Lightbulb?

Jesus said, “I am the light of the world.  Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”   John 8:12

In my condo, I need to replace all the light bulbs.  Several are burned out and others are being replaced with more energy efficient LED bulbs.  This is a task I can accomplish on my own.  Just take out the old, buy new ones, and put in the new.  I will clean each fixture but not change it.  I will just replace a bulb with not much thought and then move on to the next one.  The light bulb produces light when I flip the switch, but it does nothing without the switch being turned on.  I know that electricity is connected to the switch which then produces the light.  That is all I need to know to have light in a room.

When we see light, we look for the source.  I have a night light outside the condo.  I had to search in the daylight to find the source of the light.  The moon and stars provide light on clear nights through my window.  Light comes from a variety of sources.  The purpose of light is to shine in the darkness and be a guide on our path.

In the darkness of grief, we stumble on the path.  The life of our loved one which gave light to our life path is no longer beside us shining their light of love.  We do not want to live in this darkness and desire that light back into our lives.  This light is not a lightbulb.  Nobody can replace that love.  You cannot just take out the old and put in the new like you do a lightbulb.

This past week, a door closed on a relationship – it was dissolved.  We had an adventure, but it was not what we desired.  We had tried to be a light bulb in each other’s life.  That is, we were a replacement not a new light into a new chapter of life.  It was not intentional, but it was the result.  In a relationship, light is more than a fixture or bulb.  It is not something to be turned on and off.  Light brings life and hope into a relationship and radiates into every aspect of each person.   Light shines in the darkness and enhances the pathway.

Darkness seems more intense in our grief.  The evenings are the most difficult when the darkness is stark and reminds us that we are all alone.  We turn on lamps and the light bulb creates a brighter room, but the darkness remains in our heart.  The light we seek is more about love than about illumination.  The light of love flickers in our hearts from the memories of what used to be.  There was purpose and meaning in those memories and our lives were enhanced with the light of our loved one.  We could accept darkness because we were not alone.

Jesus said, “I am the light of the world.”  Jesus is our source even in the darkness of life.  Jesus promises that His light of love and peace and comfort will always be present.  Nothing extinguishes Jesus’ light.  Jesus is my power source.  I desire to shine bright wherever God calls me not just confined to one space or person.

A lightbulb has one purpose only and one area to do its job.  We never expect a lightbulb to give meaning and hope to our lives.  It is just there when we need to turn on the lamp.  The light bulb never deviates from its purpose.  In a relationship, when you are a light bulb, you are viewed as having one purpose – to fit into the role the other person expects you to fulfill.  You need to be a certain wattage, fit into a box, and be the right replacement for the fixture.  You cannot shine and enhance life in your own unique way.

I believe relationships are designed to reflect the light of Jesus.  Light enhances and challenges another to grow into all God created them to be.  Light shines in the darkness of our souls to remind us even in sadness and loss, we are not alone.  The light may be dim or just a tiny flicker, but the light of Jesus never goes out.

I never want to be a light bulb.  You cannot replace someone for another person.  If a new relationship develops, it needs to light a new path and enhance who you are not box you up.  I do not live in a box nor should you.  I desire to be a light – the light of Jesus to shine in the darkness of other people’s lives.  I want to enhance life and give hope.

Even in grief light shines.  We have moments that enhance our darkness.  A smile from a child.  A hug from a friend.  A sign from God in a cardinal.  A verse of scripture that speaks to our heart.  These are all lights.  Lights we receive and lights we can give to others.   Look on your path.  See the light of Jesus in others.  Be a light to others in the moments.  In other moments allow God’s light to shine through others or within your heart.  Light brings hope and healing and moments.  Receive the light in the moments.

Into The Different

“But new wine should be put into new leather bags.”  Mark 2:22

I no longer make New Year’s resolutions.  Oh, I have ideas and things I hope to accomplish, but experience has taught me only God knows how the year will unfold.  Life happens.  Unexpected changes occur, and our plans are destroyed.  We resolve to eat healthier, take care of ourselves better, be a better person, write the bestseller and cure COVID!  But then it is January 3rd, and we have already failed with our resolve.  So now I pray and ask God for my word for the year.  I can only handle one word not a long list!

My word for 2021 was “Surrender.”  It has been a year of surrendering to God’s will, to changes I did not anticipate or choose, and to trusting God’s plan not mine.  My word for 2020 was “Courage.”  It was to have courage to take new steps and believe I could do it even in my fear.  So, my word for 2022 is “Different.”  My life is again different than I anticipated.  I have been “Living in the Different” since 2015, but I have come to realize I have always taken a different path in my life and a different view from the norm.  That is how God wired me.

Our world has been different since COVID entered in the late days of 2019.  We have had to figure out how to work, shop, go to school, worship and be in relationships differently.  Anxiety and fear have increased in these past years.  We have faced unexpected deaths and losses because of COVID.  We have different verbiage and routines.

Our lives have been different because of our own loss.  The emptiness of our relationship fills us with a sense of despair and hopelessness.  Is this what life will always be?  This different hurts and almost stops us from living.  Different feels negative and hurtful.

So why am I choosing “Different” as my word for 2022?  I am accepting life is different because of loss. I cannot change that different.  But if I want to continue living life fully, I know it is impossible to try doing what I have always done.  I will always be missing someone.  It will never be the same.  I cannot put my old life or old self into this new year just like you cannot put new wine into old wine skins.  They fall apart.  So will I if I keep trying to do the same things in this new life.  Doing the same thing but expecting different results is the definition of insanity.  If I want to grow and actually live, I need to do something different – something different each day. 

So this is why I have chosen the word “Different” for 2022.  I am going to do something different each and every day. I am going to write down each evening what I did that was different.  It could be a different thought, action, choice, relationship.  How about doing it with me?  It could be as simple as choosing to order something different from your usual at your favorite restaurant, go a different route home from work, or buy a different shampoo.  Or maybe choose to react differently to someone.  Be proactive in your health.  Instead of watching TV, you read Scripture.  Just each day do something different.  You can keep what you have done the days before and just add to them.  Or just do something once.

My hope is that by the end of 2022, as you and I live in our different life, we will be different and have a deeper relationship with Jesus through it.  Different will not be bad it will just be different in a good way.

A Different Way

“But God warned the wise men in a dream not to go back to Herod, so they returned to their own country by a different way.”      Matthew 2:12

As we reflect on 2021 and begin to ponder the coming of a new year, the word that describes life is different.  The world is different since COVID entered into our well-being.  The views of others are different in their intensity and lack of tolerance and acceptance.  Our relationships are different because of loss and change.

We have been trying to live in this different life.  As I read the story of the wise men who come to worship Jesus and bring him gifts, the scripture states they returned home “a different way.”  Maybe in 2022, we follow the wise men and turn a different way.  We have habits and routines that are not always the healthiest on the journey.  What if in 2022, we try doing some different things and do our routine and life in a different way.  Yes, this can be scary, but what if we did it even if we are afraid?  Maybe we take a few risks, do some things we never attempted on our own, and let go of some of the negative baggage of our past.

The wise men returned a different way because they had been warned in a dream but also because they had been with Jesus.  They encountered God in the flesh and worshipped him.  They followed a star, a light, that shone so bright that it beckoned them to follow and to believe.  In my own journey, it is when I have been with Jesus that I have experienced a sense of peace in the turmoil, pain, and hurt.  Jesus has been the light in my darkness.  When I have felt overwhelmed and afraid, I have cried out the name of Jesus and knew He was beside me.  I did not always feel His presence, but I always believed in His presence.

The journey into another year without your loved one may feel like walking into the darkness.  You have made it through Christmas, but the thought of another year seems overwhelming and impossible at times.  Do not look at the whole year, just focus on one day or one moment at a time.  God gives us strength for one day at a time.  When we look too far into the future, it becomes filled with anxiety because we see only our strength.  God journeys with us in the present.

The wise men followed a star that led them to Jesus.  They were searching for the king of the Jews and saw His star and followed it.  They were searching for more in their lives.  They were searching for purpose and meaning to life.  They were searching for the one worthy of worship.  Jesus is the light of the world, and the star reflected his light to the wise men. 

In the darkness of grief, it is difficult to see light which reflects life and hope.  The other night, when I laid my head on my pillow, the light of the moon shone directly on my pillow.  It was like God shining His light of love and peace upon me.  I thought about the wise men being guided by the star, and the light of the moon was my reminder that God is bringing light and hope into my darkness.  I am not alone.  The light of Jesus guides me each day.

As I journey into this new year, I am going a different way, but I am going to allow the light of Jesus to guide my path.  Give yourself permission to go a different path.  Remember, different is not bad, it is just different.  Your life is different.  It will never be the same, so doing the same things as you did in the past just brings an emptiness and sadness.  So let us try a different way in 2022.

In Our Silent Night

“And in that region there were shepherds out in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night.”  Luke 2:8

The darkness of the night seems to intensify our grief and loneliness.  It is in this stillness that we remember and feel so alone.  The darkness pours from the sky into the depth of our soul.  We may even have feelings of fear and anxiety in these dark moments.  Everything seems distant and foggy.  We curl up in a chair or in bed and the darkness seems to invade our space and thoughts.

The darkness reminds us that we are alone.  We remember when darkness meant being inside with the ones we love.  The night brought the family together, and the verse of “Silent Night” was true – “all is calm, all is bright…sleep in heavenly peace.”  But life is different now and nothing seems calm, bright, or peaceful.  We miss those precious moments of contentment when we felt warm and whole and life was good.  This Christmas, you may feel lost, hurt and alone especially in your heart.

It was in the darkness, that Jesus came into the world.  His birth was announced in the darkness to the shepherds.  Jesus comes into the darkness of our lives.  He comes to us in our sadness and grief.  He understands our loneliness and sits with us.  This Christmas, Jesus comes to me in my grief, and He holds my hand in the darkness.  He grieves with me.

Casting Crowns sings the song “Somewhere In Your Silent Night.”

All is calm and all is bright

Everywhere but in your heart tonight

They’re singing carols of joy and peace

But you feel too far gone and too far out of reach. 

Somewhere in your silent night

Heaven hears the song your broken heart has cried

Hope is here, just lift your head

For love has come to find you

Somewhere in your silent night. 

Somewhere in your silent night, God still comes to your broken heart.  Heaven hears the song of your heart and sees your tears.  God knows every tear that is shed out of love.  You may feel that joy and peace will never come again into your life.  You will always grieve and feel the loneliness and loss, but God will still come and find you.  God will still break through the darkness and bring hope through His Son, Jesus.  God loves you even in your sadness, brokenness, and pain.  It is in this emptiness of our souls, that God comes.  We have nothing to give or offer, and it is in these humble moments that God holds us and wraps us in the blanket of his love.

Christmas is more about God breaking into our hurting world than any glitter, presents, decorations, or dinner.  God broke through over two thousand years ago by taking the form of a baby.  God came to be like us, to save us, so that we could become like him and live eternally with him.  So in this week of Christmas, you will be sad and lonely, but allow God to break through.  God hears the song of your broken heart, and God loves you in your sadness and hurt.  God finds you in your own silent night.

Where Are You Now?

Where can I go to escape your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? Psalm 139:7

Currently I am on an adventure. As I write these words, my view is the blue sky with white fluffy clouds. I feel the warm sunshine and the breeze from the ocean. I am here to re-focus, to rest, and to heal my heart. I am here to rest my soul so that God's voice is my source of strength and guidance.

My world has been changing these past six years. I am not the same person anymore. Time continues even when our preference is to slow down, stop, or even rewind the clock. Who am I Now? My ministry defines a part of me - pastor, counselor, author. My family gives me the titles of sister, aunt, cousin. In my relationships I have chosen friends and husband. I have had the titles of wife, step mom, widow, companion, and now I am not sure what title defines me. I tried an adventure and now it is being dissolved. So where am I Now?

Where are you Now? Relationships have changed you due to loss. We receive a title to describe the loss like orphan, widow, widower, childless, but where are we in life with the grief and pain?

As we search for a handle on the life we now have that we did not choose, the door opens to what is suppose to be “the happiest time of the year.” Happiness is the furtherest emotion from our hearts. We remember Christmas and the feelings of being with our loved one, and who we were with them. It was not perfect, but it was perfect for us. It was our life.

I am not the same anymore. Time has changed me. I have begun to embrace who I am becoming and as I do the calendar reveals the season which usually fills me with hope and wonder. This year I have not begun any outward preparations for the season except to set up my Nativity scene.

So where am I this Christmas? Christmas has not changed. God still loves us so much that He comes to earth as a baby to save us from our sins and give us eternal life with Him. God reminds us He is with us. God is love. Grief enters this love. God knows our sorrow and God wraps our sorrow in His love. Our special person's love is always with us. Love never ends. God's love is always with us. Who am I Now? I am a person who has love within me. So are you. That love has never changed and will never leave me.

So this Christmas, my focus is on love. Each of you have love within you. Love never changes. Christmas comes because of love. Allow the love and grief to mix. Allow God to come to you. Do not focus outward but inward where the love will always be. You never break this bond of love. God still loves you in your grief. God still comes this Christmas in the birth of Jesus. It does not depend on how you feel or how much you prepare. Just allow the locce of Jesus to seep into the pain, the hurt, and the grief. God will come and be with you. That is what Christmas is about - God with us.

Where Are You Christmas?

“The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light; those who dwelt in a land of deep darkness on them has light shined.”     Isaiah 9:3

Faith Hill sings the song “Where Are You Christmas?” in the movie soundtrack for The Grinch.  The song begins –

“Where are you Christmas?

Why can’t I find you?

Why have you gone away?” 

The song continues – “My world is changing, I’m rearranging.  Does that mean Christmas changes too?”  I have heard the statement several times recently – “I just don’t want to do Christmas this year.”  In our society, “to do” Christmas means to do all the work of shopping, decorating, meal preparation, visits with family, cleaning, and all the events of the season. All this takes energy, planning, decision-making and enthusiasm.  These expectations have been diminished in our grief.  Grief clouds our thought process and just makes what seems like to others the simplest of decisions overwhelming to us. 

This is not Christmas to me.  It feels like Christmas has gone away.  My Christmas Season is again different this year.  I moved this past weekend into a condo and am focused on the updates needed to make it my home.  I am taking a trip.  I am ending an adventure and headed into this new chapter alone.  My heart is not into the hustle and bustle of the Season.  I have no desire “to do” the busyness of the holiday.  Where are you Christmas?  It feels like you have gone away.

This year I am fine with those outward expressions fading into the distance.  I enjoy seeing the lights of other people’s decorations and to see the beauty of lighted trees.  There is a tree outside my counseling office at Church which I have claimed as my tree.  I turn on the lights each day I counsel.  I placed my Precious Moments nativity scene on my new fireplace mantle with angels on each side.  That’s my focus this year.  Simple yet focused on the meaning of Christmas.

So, I have been pondering about not doing Christmas but just being Christmas this year.  Christmas means the mass on Christ’s day.  A religious mass is a time of worship which includes Holy Communion – the presence of Jesus’s body and blood in the elements of the bread and cup.  So, to me, to be Christmas is to be present with Jesus.  This year, I feel the peace of Jesus with me in the changes of my life.  I have sadness for the loss of loved ones and not being with my special person, but I also have the peace of Jesus’ presence with me.  I feel more relaxed as I simply focus on being present with Jesus.  

Christmas is not the outward expressions that exhaust us.  Christmas is within our hearts even in the sadness of our hearts.  God comes to be with us in Jesus.  God comes to be with us in our sadness and hurt.  Christmas reminds us how much God loves us by coming to be with us in the darkness and bringing light and hope through Jesus.

So, this Christmas, I am giving myself permission to release the hustle and bustle and the shopping and decorations.  I am going to be present with Jesus instead of buying presents.  I am going to listen to Christmas music and worship quietly. I am going to allow myself moments of sadness and grief. I am going to relax and not give in to the pressures of the season.  My gift to all of you is my presence whenever you need it, my prayers and support, and most of all, I hope that my words, my actions, and my presence expresses the peace and love of Jesus.  Where are you Christmas?  You are in my heart. 

The Advent of Grief

Then Gideon said, “Sir, if the Lord is with us, why are we having so much trouble?”  Judges 6:12

“OK, God, I know you are with me, but why is everything so difficult?  Every time I get one thing figured out, something else goes wrong.”  Have you ever said this?  I have this past week especially.  Just when I thought I was moving forward, I hit a snag in the process.  I kept reminding myself that God was with me and that it would work out.  I just needed to slow myself down, take a breath, and trust.  I was making plans but going too far out into the future.

We are making plans this season.  In the Christian calendar, Sunday was the beginning of advent.  Advent is the preparation of the arrival of Jesus among us.  We prepare for the season in a variety of ways.  We have traditions.  We have expectations.  We make plans.  Plans are just plans, but we begin to believe they are what will actually happen every time.

With the season is also the advent of grief, the coming or the arrival of all the emotions connected to the season.  It is the arrival of our grief within the coming of Jesus and the traditions of the holidays.  We may have managed our grief and sorrow through the year.  We feel we have handled the major events and survived the daily tasks most of the time. But this holiday season makes it so apparent and real that your life has drastically changed.  Life is so different than what you remember.  You were excited about the traditions of the season until you faced the reality that this year your loved one will not be enjoying them with you either for the first time or again.  You knew this was true, but for a moment the excitement of the season brought hope.  Then you put it all together, and the grief and the advent do not seem to mingle together.  The traditions happen every year, but you have never experienced them without your loved one.  Nothing stops the coming of Christmas.  Jesus will still come anew no matter how you feel, no matter the grief or sadness.  But how do I sing “Joy to the World” when no joy radiates from my soul?

The Bible proclaims that Jesus will be born, and his name will be “Immanuel” which means, “God is with us.” (Matthew 1:23)  So if God is with us, if God is with you and me, we cry out like Gideon – “If you (Lord) are with us, why are we having so much trouble?” (Judges 6:12)  We wonder why we are so sad and the pain of grief so intense if God is walking with us and giving us hope and strength.  If God is with us, why would my loved one die?  It still seems impossible and overwhelming.

I have walked this path.  It is not so much doubt as much as I cannot feel God’s presence through my own pain and heartache.  God is still in my heart, but my heart’s desire was that life would not be like it currently is.  I expected there to be troubles in life, but I expected to go through them with my husband.  I expected God to handle them and not devastate me.

Our view of God coming into the world is similar to the early Jewish view.  They believed God would send a Messiah into the world to rescue them from their earthly enemy – The Romans - and bring peace into the world around them.  Jesus came to bring peace – not in outward visible ways, but peace within the hearts of all who believe.  But even that peace is covered with the grief and changes in this chapter of life.  At times it feels more like God is punishing us instead of walking with us.  We expected God to rescue us and protect us from devastating heartache. Change seems wrong especially in a season of traditions.

Life feels quite emotional and intense right now for me and probably for you.  For me, this week of preparing to move, pack, unpack, pack for a trip, figure out all the paperwork and finances, begin a new chapter of life, write this blog, write a sermon, counsel, take care of my dog, and….  Wow!  I’m tired just typing all of it.  Yes, this is life.  These changes are not all my choices.  Sadness, loss, and consequences of choices line my path.  But out of these troubles, God is teaching me patience, building character, and giving me hope as Paul states in Romans 5:3-4.

I am trying like each of you, to allow Advent – the coming of God with us – to penetrate my grief and troubles. We are different this Advent Season.  Give yourself permission to do the traditions and all that comes with the season differently.  Allow God to come into your grief.  Expect God to come and expect to have moments of sadness and grief.  Expect things to be different and expect traditions to be the same.  You are different so you will experience them differently.  Jesus is still coming.  Jesus is still with you.

Exhausted But Thankful

“I have not stopped giving thanks to God for you.  I always remember you in my prayers,” Ephesians 1:16

Exhausted.  Tired.  Overwhelmed.  Frustrated.  Angry.  Anxious.  Words that may describe how you feel about life right now.  You look at the calendar and dread the holiday season because of your grief and sadness and because of all the expectations the season brings.  We exhaust ourselves when we live in the expectations of others and try to please people even though it is not what we desire.  We have the need for acceptance and at times the approval of others becomes our motivation.  We become so overwhelmed with the long list of things to do and accomplish in a brief holiday season.

It all seems important and vital to serving the needs of others and experiencing the holidays.  It may even be our job or responsibility, but our body and soul are exhausted.  When we glance in the mirror, all we see are tired, sad, and baggy eyes.  We wonder how did we get to this point, and will it ever change?  We may not see a way out of it.  Our grief seems to intensify in our tiredness.  We just want our loved one to make it all better and help carry the load.

The steps I am currently taking seem huge with so many setbacks, frustrations, and glitches and delays in the flow of paperwork and changes.  When these feelings of frustration enter my head, I accept the feelings as real and experience them for moments.  I know going down this self-pity trail will not be productive, and it will be difficult to change directions.  I need to change my focus.  What is God teaching me?  What is my main goal?  Obstacles are a part of life.  It is not focusing on them but recognizing them for what they are – ways to surrender to God all these feelings and depend on Him, not my need to be in control.

As for the holidays, it is not focusing on the endless tasks but on the real meaning of the season.  This week is Thanksgiving.  In our grief, we may feel like skipping time with family.  Last year, many of us did because of COVID.  Now we have to maneuver the grief and the COVID and our feelings of just sleeping through until after New Year’s Day.  Thanksgiving and Christmas are filled with traditions that rarely change.  That is what makes them special.  But because of grief and loss, our lives have changed.  We are different.  So how can I rectify the difference?  It feels too exhausting to try and push through it.

Exhaustion.  It is real.  It is part of grief.  It is part of your life as you attempt to navigate this holiday season.  Let us re-focus.  Let us slow down our racing anxious thoughts.  Just because you have done it in the past, does not mean you need to do it now.  My word to you is simplify.  What is Thanksgiving really about?  It is being thankful even in our sadness.  Thankful for the memories, the love, the relationship and for the possibility and hope of a different life.

You are exhausted.  Do not pile another burden upon yourself.  The burden of expectations. You need rest.  Rest.  Enjoy moments of rest.  Give yourself permission to rest.  If others have expectations for the holidays, allow them to help.  Be honest with yourself and your family and friends.  Admit what you have the energy and desire to do.  Ask others to help.  Simplify but honor your traditions.  Focus on the meaning of Thanksgiving and Christmas, not on what society has created it to be.  If it is not enjoyable and meaningful, why are you doing it? 

I am accepting this need to rest even when it seems contrary to what is happening around me.  I cannot be my best or do my best without rest and refreshment in God’s Spirit.  Today, I took a needed nap and released my need to accomplish my list.  My body and soul feel refreshed.  I have more focus to do a task.  I am just taking one day, one task at a time.  Exhaustion does not just immediately disappear, but the anxiety lowers as I give thanks to God for His abundance blessings of strength.  God gives to you and me strength just for today.  Live in today’s strength.

My View

“We set our eyes not on what we see but on what we cannot see.  What we see will last only a short time, but what we cannot see will last forever.”    2 Corinthians 4:18

I have started to jog a mile a few times a week to build up to my former running pace since my knee surgery.  I run around a field and begin by going south and then west.  This morning it was cloudy as the morning light began to peek through the sky.  As I turned to go north and then east, the brilliance of the morning sunrise filled the sky.  I witnessed God’s glory as He began a new day.  In that moment, I lifted my arms in praise and worship to God for His creation and for revealing to me His presence through the beauty of the morning sky. 

God spoke to me about life through the morning sky.  I can focus on the clouds and the darkness of my life – my grief, my pain, my sorrow, my anxiety, and my stress.  It is real and is always a part of my life.  My view of life can be negative which makes me feel overwhelmed and exhausted.  Or I can keep moving and see the beauty even while the clouds are nearby.  Both views are a part of life.  Which one will be my focus is the question?

We can focus on the negatives of life.  They are always present and around us constantly in the media.  When we listen to others complain, it is easy to commiserate with them and follow their lead of negativity.  Our view of life becomes clouded when we experience tragedy and loss.  We feel the imbalance of life and fear the uncertainty of the future.

As I begin my next chapter of life, I have a choice.  I could live in the regret of the past and my choices, or I can look at the experience as an adventure and learn and grow from it.  I am trying to focus on what God has for me in this new chapter.  To learn from the past, to be thankful for the relationship and to allow God to bring good out of it is my focus.

When I visit my ninety-eight-year-old friend, my view of life is put into perspective.  When I asked Ray how he was doing spiritually, he said, “I am confident in where I am going, and I know God is with me each moment.”  His focus is not on the decline of his physical body even though he sees and feels it daily, but on the hope of his future in Heaven.  When I asked Ray how he was doing mentally and emotionally, he said, “I feel comfortable in my own skin.”  I have been pondering this statement.

To be comfortable is to be content, free from stress, fear, and worry.  It is having your needs met and being satisfied.  Ray is truly comfortable in his own skin.  To be comfortable and content has little to do with our material possessions and our physical body.  Contentment and peace come from within us, our soul.  I am becoming much more comfortable in my own skin.  I am accepting my aging body for what it is and physically doing what I enjoy. Like my friend, Ray, I am not focusing on what I do not have or the bad that has happened in my life.  I do not live in denial.  It is real.  The loss will always be evident in my life.

I am creating changes that will lead to a more content life.  My focus is on following God’s path for my life.  The path has sadness and hurt on it, but even though I have had to walk in the grief and loss, God has never left my side.  I am learning to be content because God is with me.  I am comfortable in my own skin alone.  This is no longer a negative to me because even if I am physically alone, I am never alone within me.  I have memories.  I have moments that bring laughter and joy in those memories.  I have my dog who is always by my side (or feet) which is where she currently resides.

I am setting my eyes on what is unseen because it lasts forever.  While I desire to be comfortable and content in my new location, my deeper desire is to be comfortable in my own skin – in my own soul.  It is not the life I chose, but it is the life I now have, and I am learning to be comfortable in it.

Resting Place

“God said to them, “Here is a place of rest; let the tired people come and rest.  This is the place of peace.”  Isaiah 28:12 

“The Lord says, “This is my resting place forever.  Here is where I want to stay.”  Psalm 132:14

I spent time with one of my dearest friends recently.  Ray is ninety-eight-years old which leads him to be reflective on life.  He is content in his space when he is carving and completely immersed in his creation.  While his fingers are busy and his mind is focused, he is resting in the comfort and quietness that his hobby affords him.  It is his resting place.

Ray and I talk about Heaven in most of our visits.  He knows Heaven gets closer each day.  Ray is not comforted with the idea of mansions and streets of gold.  This seems too worldly and not restful to him.  But if you read John 14, Jesus tells the disciples that He is going to prepare for them a place.  Jesus prepares a place just for us and then comes back to take us to this place – our resting place.  It will be a place of complete peace and contentment with Jesus.  To me, that is what Heaven is – a place of rest with Jesus.  This concept also brings comfort to my friend, Ray.

As we await Heaven, we still have life to live here on earth.  Life seems chaotic, empty, lonely, busy, filled with uncertainty, painful, and broken.  How do we find rest in this world?  For me, my physical place is changing again, and I am looking forward to a resting place that is just mine.  A place to again create with my own style and signature.  It is good to have a place that is safe and comfortable, a place where you surround yourself with possessions that reflect your memories and personality.  But there is more to a resting place than just material comfort.

I find rest in certain people.  I have a share partner in whom I find spiritual rest.  We are connected by our love for Jesus, and we share on a spiritual level how we see and feel God through our daily lives.  I also find rest in my friendship with my ninety-eight-year-old friend.  The depth of conversation rests my soul with the one whom he has surrendered his life to  - Jesus, and how he is living in the moments while anticipating the reunion in Heaven.

But most of all, I find my resting place in Jesus.  When my soul is tired and weary, Jesus gives me rest.  I find rest from using words.  I listen daily to words from the hearts of those who hurt in my counseling ministry.  I try to share with them the words The Holy Spirit gives to me.  I read words of Scripture daily to grow closer to God.  I pray to share words of worship, intercession, and thanksgiving.  The hurt and pain of this world and of those I love is overwhelming and I pour out these feelings to God in prayer.  So, my resting place is not in words spoken to Jesus, but in the still quietness of my soul being in the presence of God.  Just being present and speaking no words.  To sit in the stillness of a moment, to watch the beauty of a sunset, or the falling leaves and just rest in God’s abiding presence.

It is clearing my mind of all those racing thoughts.  Putting a stop sign in my head for awhile of the list of all I need to do.  It is just emptying my basket of tasks and doing nothing that merits achievement to the world.  It is breathing deeply the Spirit into the depths of my being.  This time seems so unproductive but so necessary to heal my soul.  No distractions.  Nothing pressing.  No commitments.  No grief or sadness for a moment.  Just a resting place.  I just tune out the world with all of its brokenness and stress, and I rest my soul from the pain.  I need time to heal and re-charge.  I need a place where evil, sin, pain, hurt, paperwork, tasks, and everything that tries to fill up my head cannot enter.  It is a place Jesus prepares for us – a glimpse of Heaven on earth.

We need a resting place if just for a moment.  I place where for just a moment it is just you and God.  I place where our souls rest.  Find your resting place.  I am working on those resting place moments.

Walk Me Through

“Even if I walk through a very dark valley, I will not be afraid, because you are with me.  Your rod and your walking stick comfort me.”    Psalm 23:4

My frustration level has been high over the past weeks because of paperwork.  I despise the mound of forms that are required for transactions.  It seems easier if the requirement was a pint of blood instead of a stack of forms.  I have been completing them step by step, but this week all three of the areas I am working on seemed insurmountable.  My head was swimming in information and my shoulders seemed heavy from the burden.  Whatever happened to the simple handshake and a letter of closure.  Not in our world anymore.

We have all felt the weight of the requirements to function in daily life and to obtain the necessities and luxuries of life.  Sometimes it feels impossible and not worth the effort even though we know it is what we want and desire.  We look at what needs to be completed and feel that we do not have the ability, the energy, nor the desire.  We may even want the end result, but where do we begin?  I have accepted that I cannot do this alone.  I need help.  I have reached out to those I trust to walk me through the mound of forms.

In these weeks and through my grief and chapters of life, I realize I cannot do everything by myself.  I want to be independent and plow through the tough parts of life, but God created us to be dependent on Him and one another.  It is not a sign of weakness to ask for help, but a sign of acceptance.  We accept who we are and our abilities.  We see the strengths of others and bring them into our lives to enhance us.

The Perrys have written a song that has helped me through these days.  The song is entitled, “Walk Me Through.”  Here is the chorus –

“Walk me through, walk me through.

Give me grace to keep my eyes on you.

Be my comfort, be my guide

Shelter me from rising tides.

I’m depending, Lord, on you to walk me through.”

These words are in my heart, and I sing them throughout the day – “God, walk me through.  I am depending on you to walk me through.”  What is before me seems impossible, but I change my focus to God, who is beside me.  God is walking me through the problems, the changes, the pain, the storm, or whatever life brings to me.  God is walking you through, too.  It is keeping our eyes on Jesus, not on the hurt or problem or obstacle.  Life does not always take us on the path we had planned, but God still walks with us.

I spoke recently at a grief support group. One of the widows shared with me after the meeting that she was sorry I had gone through loss, but she was thankful I was now willing to share about the journey and help others navigate their grief. I believe God has walked me through to guide others on the path. My current frustration and changes are happening so that I can walk others through them later. It is also apparent to me that we do not walk alone. We need to reach out to others who have the knowledge and expertise we need to figure out our current situation. Allow others to walk you through.

In each moment of life, I will continue to pray, “Lord, walk me through.”  I am depending on God.  When the moments are frustrating and overwhelming, I am reaching out to Jesus and asking him to hold my hand and walk me through.  When we walk through the valley of the shadow of death, God is still with us to walk us through.  The key word is “through.”  We do not stay in the valley, but we go through it.  God does not always take us out of the pain and hurt, but God promises to always be with us through the storm.  “Lord, walk me through.”

Tell The Stories

“Jesus used stories to tell all these things to the people; he always used stories to teach them.”  Matthew 13:34

As a child, I loved stories.  I read Bible stories, story books from the library, and loved listening to the stories of my parent, my Grandma, my aunts and uncles and the older people in the Church. Stories connected me to places and people beyond my own experience.  The stories were about their lives, the people who influenced them, where they traveled, and how God was at work in their lives.

As a pastor, I listened to the stories of the people I visited.  In the hospital, people told the story of their illness, their fears, and hospital experience.  In their homes, people would share stories about possessions that were dear to them and pictures of family.  I loved to hear the stories because I learned who they were through these stories.  In the first church I served, the senior minister taught me to tell a story at the beginning of a sermon.  The story needed to capture the church family’s attention and lead into the Scripture for the day. 

When Dave and I began dating, I discovered he was a storyteller. He created stories about the Hawk and the mouse to describe our relationship. He told stories from his childhood and the State Highway Patrol that made you feel like you were there with him. He was animated and used his whole body describing the action of the tale. Nobody could tell a story like Dave. He had you laughing one minute and crying the next. Whenever his grandsons stayed overnight, he would tell them a bedtime story where one of them was the hero and saved the day.

We remember stories because they are about how we are in relationship with one another.  Stories create a visual in our minds.  Stories tell the joys and sorrows of life.  Usually when we tell a story, we use it to give an example or share a meaning about life.  Stories are told to give an emphasis to our point.  They illustrate our view of life.

Recently at a gathering of widows, each widow shared the story of how they met their husband.  They shared their husband’s name, something special about them and how they began their love relationship.  As I listened, I saw faces shine with love and eyes fill with tears as they remembered.  The story of love remains engrained in their hearts forever.  My mind and heart drifted to the story of meeting Dave and how God brought us together.  It is a story that remains as a foundation for my life and my view of love.

On the journey of grief, stories are filled with emotions. We love hearing stories of our loved one and how they impacted another person’s life. We look at pictures and remember the story behind the photo. We remember the love and the life we had with our loved one. We treasure all these memories. But in the stories are also the pain, the hurt and the loss. We need to tell these stories too. They help those who are beginning this journey to hear that others have similar stories and emotions. We connect to others through our shared experiences.

Jesus told parables or stories throughout his ministry to illustrate God’s love and Kingdom.  The stories help us remember and connect us to images and relationships.  Jesus knew we needed a way to relate to the greatness of God.  Stories made God relatable and real.  The stories tell us of God’s love and forgiveness. 

One of the hymns of faith I sang in my little country church when I was a child was “I Love to Tell the Story.”  The chorus says –

“I love to tell the story! ‘Twill be my theme in glory

To tell the old, old story of Jesus and His love.”

In our journey with Jesus, we keep telling how He walks with us, how he died for us, how he was resurrected to give us the hope of eternal life. In our grief, we tell the story of how Jesus comforts us, holds us in our sorrow, and gives us the hope we will see our loved one again in Heaven.  Stories of our loved ones keep them alive in our hearts and in the memories of others.  Keep telling the stories.  Tell how they loved, how they lived and how they made a difference in your life.  Tell the old, old stories.

Tribute to My Fourth Brother

“I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.  Henceforth there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that Day.”  2 Timothy 4:7-8

I grew up in a family with three brothers and a sister.  We were part of the church family at Wesley Chapel United Methodist Church.  It was in this church, I gained a fourth brother, Carl.  He had been adopted by Glen and Cecil who were members of the church, but more importantly, he was adopted into my family because of our shared love for Jesus.  Carl loved and respected my mom and dad which endeared me even more to him.  He treated my parents like his own who in turned loved Carl, too.

God blessed Carl with the gift of music.  He had a beautiful baritone voice and the Spirit of God flowed from his fingers as he played the piano.  When my dad was dying in the hospital, Carl came and sang the old hymns of faith as my siblings, my mom, and Carl gathered around his bed.  We sang my dad into heaven.  Carl sang at my parents’ anniversary party and their funerals.  When Carl sang, it was not just words and notes, but it was the presence of God being expressed in the song.  

Carl recently died and his funeral was this past week.  The service was truly a celebration of his life and his love for Jesus.  If you met Carl on the street, within minutes he was telling his story about Jesus and how Jesus saved him.  He shared Jesus with anyone who would listen, because he wanted everyone to know the love of Jesus in their hearts.  Carl’s smile was contagious and oh, his laughter.  It came from deep within him and spilled out all over you.  You became filled with joy just because you were in his presence.  Carl was a storyteller and oh, the stories he would tell.

When I heard that Carl had died, I was sad for me and all those he loved, but I was so happy for Carl.  He was now in the presence of the One he loved the most, Jesus.  Carl was more alive now than he had ever been.  He had given his life for Jesus, and because of what Jesus did for him, Carl was alive in Heaven forever with Jesus.  It brought me peace and joy that I knew Carl had hugged my mom and dad in Heaven.  Carl had fought the good fight of life.  He had finished the race.  Carl had lived his faith completely, and he received his crown in Heaven. Carl’s story was Jesus’s story, and now they are together in Heaven telling the stories.

As I listened to people share how Carl had impacted their lives, I felt a sense of peace and joy that “my brother” made a difference in this world and in my life.  Carl challenged me to share Jesus more directly with others and to tell my story.  He encouraged me to live out my calling in my life.  He always made me smile and enjoy the moments with him.  As I reflect on Carl’s impact, I ask myself how am I allowing Carl’s impact and influence to radiate to others in my life?  When we state that a person has made a difference in our lives, it should be evident to others and to God the person’s impact.  We need to live it out not just make a statement.

As we reflect on our own loved one who is now in Heaven, how are we living out their impact and influence in our daily lives?  They made a difference in our lives and leave a lasting legacy in our hearts.  So, how do others know it is their influence I am sharing?  Sometimes it is as simple as sharing my mom’s recipe.  It is loving a song because Dave loved it.  It is reading my Bible because my Grandma and Mom read their Bibles and lived their lives following God’s Word.  It is telling a story Dave always told. 

When making a decision, I find myself asking, “What would Dave do?”  When dealing with a situation in the family, I ask, “How would Mom have handled this?”  When I see life through the eyes of my loved one, I recognize how they live on in me and in this world.  They continue to influence others because they are a vital part of who we are.  They may not be physically present in this world, but their spirit remains active within us.  When I become aware of those who live on within me, I have hope and the assurance that I am never alone.

Rest In Relationship

“Come to me, all of you who are tired and have heavy loads, and I will give you rest.”  Matthew 11:28

Only in a handful of relationships of our lives are we truly vulnerable, completely honest and open, and feel accepted and loved.  In most relationships, we set healthy boundaries and have parts of ourselves that we keep hidden within.  We keep inside our fears, our sins, and our mess ups to most people.  We may fear the judgment of even our closest friends if they knew our thoughts and our failings.  Even in our relationship with God, we tend to hide from God our lack of faith and trust.  While we know it is impossible to keep anything from God, we attempt to compartmentalize our faith and our bad choices.

Relationships tend to change in our loss and grief.  We feel abandoned by family and friends who have been a part of our lives, but who no longer meet our needs or expectations.  We realize we have changed.  Our world has changed dramatically, so of course, the relationships in our world will change.  We had not expected this to happen.  The one relationship that was stable and helped us deal with changes and the struggles of life is gone.  Our person is the one we shared our feelings and emotions. The one we vented to and released all the stuff inside us. Now what do we do with them?

The term “soul mate” is a popular phrase in society and movies.  We search for our “soul mate.”  It is viewed as the person we are destined to be with and who understands us.  To me, a soul mate is one with whom we can be vulnerable, open and honest, and accepts and loves us for who we are but also challenges us to grow and be who we were created to be.  It is the person you are totally at ease with, and you rest your soul in his/her presence.

What does it mean to rest in the presence of someone?  While it does include the ability to physically rest with a person and to relax without judgment or obligation, it means so much more.  To rest in the presence of someone means you can say anything, share anything, and express your emotions and all is accepted, processed, discussed, forgiven, challenged and the relationship grows deeper and stronger.  Wow!  Now that’s a relationship.

I believe this rest relationship is fully experienced in Jesus.  He tells us that when we are tired and have heavy loads, He will give us rest.  But I also believe we receive a glimpse of this relationship through our special person here on earth.  I have experienced “rest” in a relationship where I could just be me.  I was loved and accepted.  We could talk for hours and share our views, our past, our hopes for the future, our faith and even the things that bothered us.  We had different goals and circles of influence, but we could walk into each other’s world and enhance the interactions.  We also could help carry the burden for each other in family situations.  We were blessed with each other.

A relationship emptiness occurs in our grief.  While we know our loved one is no longer physically with us, we had not expected the lack of stability, security, and comfort.  We rested in that assurance.  Nobody can replace or fill that relationship hole.  I have tried and it does not work.  I am learning to rest in my relationship with Jesus.  When the burden of life gets heavy, I come to Jesus.  When I have no idea what to do next, I come to Jesus.  When I am misunderstood or judged, I come to Jesus.  I come tired and weary and heavy laden, and I rest in Jesus’ presence.  I do not always receive immediate answers, but I receive rest from the heavy burden.  I allow Jesus to carry the burden of life.  I trust in Him even when I see no way, no hope, no direction. 

Family and friends will always disappoint us.  They cannot complete us.  They cannot fill the hole in our heart and lives.  Only Jesus can carry the load.  Everything in life comes down to relationships.  Rest in the love relationship of Jesus.  He does not always take away the pain and sadness of our loss, but he always helps carry the load.

Whispers of Grief

“Within the large crowd there, many people were whispering to each other about Jesus.”      John 7:12

It seems that everyone has a strong opinion about everything these days, and they are not afraid to make their views known.  We live in a culture of opinions and if you do not agree, people reject you.  Media is filled with “truths” and opinions and views of life and what is the right way to live and believe.  Social media has created this intensity of views and people who are not afraid to type their hatred and quickly tell others they are wrong.  All of this is overwhelming and should not be absorbed into your thoughts.  We have our views and beliefs, but in moments of doubt we hear the whisper within us, “Am I right?”

Oh, those whispers.  Sometimes they are murmurs or mutterings.  In our grief, it feels like others are whispering behind our backs.  “Oh, poor girl, she looks so sad.”  “Oh, he will never be able to survive on his own.”  And the whispering goes on and on.  We feel a judgment in the looks of others.  They make us question our decisions or lack of decision-making.  “Maybe they are right,” we think. “I really cannot survive on my own.  I am not strong enough.”

Then the internal whispers and mutterings become louder.  “I really do not know how to live this life.”  “I’m doing a terrible job making decisions.”  “I really messed up.”  “I have no clue who I am.”  Oh, the internal whispers may even keep us up at night.  They may force us to work extra hard to try to earn approval and acceptance.  We want to appear “normal,” but we have no idea what normal is anymore.  Nothing in life will ever be the same again.  The whispers tell us that it will be impossible to figure out life again.  Why bother?

All of these whispers are negative.  They really are mutterings of disapproval and not living up to the expectations of others or the unrealistic expectations within us.  Jesus never listened to these external whispers.  He did not trust himself to the people.  I believe we are listening to the wrong voice.  We need to listen to the whisper of the Spirit within us.  The still quiet voice of God that comes to dwell within us.  This whisper calls us to be still and rest in His presence.  This whisper speaks words of comfort and acceptance of our feelings and emotions.  But it is so difficult to hear the whisper of God living in the screams of this world.

I find myself muttering more to myself lately.  To mutter is to say something in a low and barely audible voice.  A mutter is usually spoken under one’s breath and is caused from irritability or not being heard.  I am irritated but accept that saying anything will just cause another to be upset or it will not make a difference or be understood if I speak out loud.  It has become a way of releasing the feelings.  It is my way of accepting things – “It is what it is.” But also recognizing I do not like it.  Muttering keeps me from stuffing thoughts and feelings inside, but also prevents me from hurting others or being misunderstood. 

As I talked with a widow this week, she spoke of feeling the stares and hearing the whispers of others around her.  She felt their pity and that made her angry.  She did not want pity but understanding and support.  I commented to another widow about how I was seeing her strength and boldness emerge over the past months.  She stated that her life is no longer based on other people’s opinions and pleasing them.  Her life has been turned upside down and they do not understand.  So why should she live her life pleasing people who do not give support or understand the grief journey.  It is time to ignore the whispering of others.  It is not that we are insensitive or disrespectful, it is that other people do not have control or power over our emotions, feelings, and life.

The external whispers of grief are usually critical of how we are dealing with our grief.  The whispers make assumptions about grief that are not true.  The whispers set a time frame and a linear path.  The internal whispers wonder why we are not doing better and why we keep returning to the same feelings and emotions.  The whispers wonder why we are not making progress.  The whispers tend to condemn not comfort.

We are listening to the wrong whispers.  As we quiet our souls and slow down our racing thoughts and anxiety, let us begin to listen to God whisper deep within our soul.  God does not judge nor condemn us for our sadness and deep grief.  God’s whisper is the sound of comfort and love.  His whisper gives us permission to be wherever we are and gives us the hope that we will not stay here.  We will move forward in our life with our grief.  We will begin to follow God’s voice to walk the path of life with His strength not our own.  Begin to change your internal whisper.

Grief On Repeat

“Lord, have mercy, because I am in misery.  My eyes are weak from so much crying, and my whole being is tired from grief.”    Psalm 31:9

“I thought I was through this.” “I was doing so much better.” “I feel like I am back to where I started.” “I feel like I did at the beginning.” “I’m a mess.”

I heard these statements this past week from widows and others on this grief journey.  Grief is not linear.  It goes in cycles.  Cycles that move forward at different paces.  We revisit many of our feelings and emotions throughout the grief process.  We feel defeated when we still feel the same, believing all that we have worked through was for nothing.  But there are reasons we return to these feelings and emotions.

In our grief repeat we may have been living in denial.  Not just denying that our loved one died, but even denying they lived because it hurts too much to remember.  We deny their death because we do not want to live in the reality that they are gone, and because they are gone, we have to figure out how to live in this different life.  We may also swing to the other extreme of denial by not talking about them, not looking at pictures and not allowing others to mention their name.  We do this because then all we have are these memories when what we want is them physically with us.  Our desire is to make more memories with them and not cling to past memories.

In the eleventh month after a death, we tend to re-live the previous year – either the illness and decline or all the last things we did together before the tragic and unexpected death.  We feel that emotionally we are back to where we started at the time of death.  We may focus on the “what if’s” during this time again, hoping we can figure out how to change the outcome.  Nothing changes the outcome.  We are changed. 

Events, dates, places, and relationships trigger this grief repeat response.  We may feel good one day and are proud of what we actually accomplished in life, and then something changes us and the deep grief overwhelms us.  We try to prepare for certain events knowing that emotionally it will be difficult.  Most of the intensity comes when we least expect it.  I knew it was the anniversary of the night of Dave’s death.  The actual date of his death was the 18th at 12:35 AM, but the memories of the 17th are the most vivid in my mind.  I always prepare for the 18th but this time it was the night of the 17th that caught me off guard.  As I lay in bed and heard the clock strike 11 PM, the pain of Dave’s death hit me so unexpectedly.  I curled up in a fetal position and cried.  I felt his struggle and pain.  I remember crying out to God to release him six years ago from this pain.  God did within a few hours.  My grief repeated and I felt the pain of release.  And then quietly God’s Spirit came and gave to me the peace and assurance that Dave was in Heaven.

The intensity of feelings and emotions connected with grief tend to repeat on this journey.  But I have found, they do not last as long because I allow God to take my hand and hold me close through them.  I also have the assurance that my loved one is in Heaven with Jesus.  The longer I walk this grief journey, the more assured I am of Heaven.  The more I long for Heaven.  The more Heaven is real to me.

Give yourself permission to grieve again and again.  To feel the familiar emotions.  To stay in these feelings.  I believe this is how God helps us grow and strengthens us.  We make these feelings real.  We experience the deep love and the pain and separation.  We begin to rely even more on God and His strength.  We accept we cannot do this alone.  We need God’s Spirit to fill us.  We need God’s comforting mercy.  We repeat and repeat these feelings and emotions so that we will learn to give more and more of the burden and pain to Jesus.

Blessed In Sorrow

“The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.”  Job 1:21

The tears welled up in my eyes as we sang the third verse of the hymn “Victory In Jesus.”  I cried for the first time on this verse fifteen years ago as we sang it at the end of my mom’s funeral.  I cried again when it was sung to close the funeral service of my husband, Dave, six years ago.  I know my mom and Dave are together with Jesus in Heaven.  They have victory through Jesus’ death on the cross.  They both gave their hearts and lives to Jesus.

I heard about a mansion he has built for me in glory,

And I heard about the streets of gold beyond the crystal sea;

About the angels singing and the old redemption story,

And some sweet day I’ll sing up there the song of victory.

O victory in Jesus, my Savior forever!

He sought me and bought me

 with His redeeming blood;

He loved me ere I knew him,

And all my love is due him,

He plunged me to victory

Beneath the cleansing flood.

This past week, September 18th, marks six years that Dave has been in Heaven and received victory in Jesus.  God released Dave from pain and welcomed him to walk the streets of gold.  On the 18th, I officiated at the graveside funeral of the son of one of Dave’s dearest friends.  He was buried at the foot of his mom’s grave which is two graves from Dave.  I have two more funerals this week – a mother and grandmother and then a dad and grandfather.   I also attended a graveside service this past week.  So, four people were released from this world and went to Heaven.

I was blessed to have known three of the people personally and blessed to know the family of the fourth person.  The Lord gives life and the Lord releases people from the life of this world.  In the process, the sorrow and blessings of life are experienced.  We are blessed to have parents and grandparents for a long period of time, but for some it is only a short time.  We are blessed to have friends, brothers and sisters, husbands and wives, and children but their time on earth is never enough.  I talked with a husband whose wife had just died.  They had been married seventy years, and he did not know life without her.  But he was blessed he said with her love, her kindness, and her companionship.  While relationships can be complicated, we are blessed with memories and a legacy.  We can learn from the struggles and from the blessings. 

As I again spent some time with my three brothers this past week, I am blessed with family who share a common foundation of faith.  In our losses, we have the assurance our spouses are in heaven.  They have victory in Jesus.  We are blessed in our sorrow.  As I walk the journey of grief with families, the sorrow is evident but so is the blessings.  Our loved ones leave imprints on our lives and their love is forever in our hearts.

It seems at times, impossible to live without our loved one.  We just do not want to live our lives with the emptiness that comes from them leaving this world.  But our hearts remain full of love and the assurance of Jesus’ victory over death.  We are blessed, but the sorrow and loneliness remain.   We are blessed in our sorrow.