Talking Alone
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“In my trouble I called to the Lord. I cried out to my God for help. From his temple he heard my voice; my call for help reached his ears.” Psalm 18:6
“Nobody listens.” “Nobody seems to hear me.” “I cannot put it into words.” “I cried out in the darkness.” These are all statements we have spoken in our hearts on our grief journey. Nobody seems to want to listen to the hurt of others. Or if we do share, others seem to disregard it or give us trite statements that they think are encouraging but just wound our soul.
We cry out inside. The person who used to understand and was present for us, no longer occupies space next to us. We feel alone. We cry out in the darkness. Does God really hear me? Psalm 18 tells us that our cries reach the ears of our Heavenly Father. God hears every hurt, sigh, every word of our broken hearts.
I have spent a lot of time on hold recently as I have changed addresses, cell phone carriers, utilities, and all the financial paperwork. Sometimes I have listened to music as I waited, and others offer to call you back when they are available. Fortunately, they cannot hear what we say to them while we are on hold. I explain why I am calling. Most are very helpful. But it seems nothing goes smoothly, and I need to call back several times to get everything resolved. I just mess up. Everything seems difficult. Nothing goes as expected.
So the other night, I was cleaning my condo from the painter and was beginning to organize my space. I was looking for the curtain rod and could not find it anywhere. And then I just began to talk out loud, rant, and release all the stuff that has consumed me over the past months. It all came out. My dog, Annie, ran to find out whom I was talking with and then she hid in her bed. I just talked and talked to nobody in particular – just released it all into the air. Then I thanked God for the privilege of having these issues and for my place to live with all my needs being met. I thanked God that he loves me in spite of my frustrations and rants.
Nobody understands like Jesus. I did not want someone to tell me it would be better or to calm down. I just needed to release all of my frustrations, emotions and feelings that had been within me. I needed to talk alone with God. I needed to release all the words inside of me. Nobody accepts all of me like God. God just loves me. Accepts me. Allows me to be me.
In our grief, we spend most of our grieving time alone. That deep intense sobbing loneliness ache is reserved when we are alone. And, oh, we feel so alone. For me, it has been this loneliness that has guided me to talk with God even more. I recognize that God hears my heart. God cares about what is deep inside of me. I also listen more to God. My desire is to hear God speak to my heart. The more time I spend with God, the more I hear God speak to my heart. God speaks in a different way than other people do at least for me. I feel and sense God’s words. They just come to me, and I now recognize them as God talking with me.
In grief, we cry out in the darkness. We may not feel or hear God, and we may even have doubt that God is even with us. We did not choose this life. We prayed for a different outcome, but this is what we have. Our faith tells us to trust, but our heart hurts. We need to trust in the hurt. Cry out in the darkness. God is there even when we doubt and do not feel his presence. Keep talking when you feel alone and are lonely. Talk with your loved one. Talk to God. They are together in Heaven. Just keep the conversation flowing.
