The Judgment of Grief

“Then Job replied, “I have heard all this before.  What miserable comforters all of you are.”  Job 16:1-2

We live in a world of judgment, criticism, and comparison.   When someone is unwilling to listen and understand another person’s perspective, they place a judgment on another.  This occurs in politics, in the church, in the education field, and even in grief.  Yes, even in grief.  Many of us have experienced the judgment of grief usually from people we know. 

Comparison grief – “my grief is worse than yours.”  Or “you can’t be grieving that much; you were only married a short time.”  Critical grief – “Why are you still crying?  It’s time to get over it and move on.”  Judgmental grief – “You should be doing something with your life instead of being sad all the time.”  Oh, all of you who are grieving could add to this list of hurt and pain inflicted by family and so-called friends who say they have your best interest in mind.  It is just that they do not understand grief and how grief is not something you get over but is now a part of who you are and will always be.

Some people make this judgment because they do not want to face and deal with their own emotions brought on by grief and would prefer living in denial of death and their own mortality.  They may not have experienced the depth of love and it does not make sense how a person could grieve and miss another human being.  They want to live in their own little world and pretend grief will never affect them, and therefore, prefer not facing grief.

Other’s place a judgment that you are not grieving enough or in what they regard as appropriate.  You may have gone back to work right away after the death of your loved one, not because you were not grieving but because you needed to stay busy or have something in your life that had not drastically changed.  You may not outwardly show your emotions, and others place a judgment that you do not cry or are not sad outwardly, therefore, you must not be grieving.

The other part of judgment in grief comes from our own self-judgment.  We tell ourselves, “I should be better by now.”  “I should be able to function.”  I should not be crying still.”  And the list goes on and on of the “should” and “should nots.”  We need to rid our grief of these negative statements.  However you feel is ok and a part of the grief journey.  When we force ourselves to move quicker through the healing of grief, we cause more pain and heartache.  We need to release the self-inflicted judgment and give ourselves permission to walk the grief journey in whatever is right for each of us.

In our grief, we feel life goes on for everyone else around us.  We wonder how they can go forward when our life has stopped and has totally changed.  We place a judgment on family and friends for continuing to function normally in life when we are barely existing from day to day. The last thing we want in our grief is judgment. We need comfort and support and acceptance.

Job experienced the judgment of his friends instead of comfort and mercy.   God is our comfort.  God loves us no matter how we feel, no matter what we are going through.  God does not judge us and tell us to get over it.  God does not deny our grief and sadness but walks with us and even carries us in the pain and heartache.  We need to begin to accept that people in our circle of relationships may never understand our grief.  It is seeking out others who allow us to continue on this path of grief.  Stop judging yourself and thinking you should be at a different point in your grief.  Accept where you are and allow yourself to slowly heal and take steps with the grief.

Spirit To Spirit

“Because I have said these things, you are filled with grief.  But I tell you the truth: It is for your good that I am going away.  Unless I go away, the Counselor will not come to you, but if I go, I will send him to you.”                   John 16:6-7 (NIV)

As I began to write today, seven male cardinals landed in the yard near the bird feeder.  Each day for the past several weeks at least one male cardinal has landed in the yard during breakfast or lunch.  For many of us, the red cardinal is a spiritual sign that our loved one is attempting to contact us.  Cardinals give us the assurance we are not alone.  We feel a spirit-to-spirit connection and a sense of comfort and peace when a cardinal enters our visual space.  Many times, this happens when we need the reassurance that somehow our loved one is with us.

For me, the hawk has been the symbol for this spiritual connection.  My husband, Dave always spotted hawks on our travels.  I have a framed picture of a hawk that we purchased years ago.  It is one of three main pictures I have kept through all my moves and downsizing.  Dave’s nickname in high school football was “Hawk” because his eyes were always on the ball.  As I travel now, I always see a hawk, and I feel safe and protected.  Because Dave was a State Trooper, I believe I see the hawks the most when I travel giving me the assurance I need to make the journey.

In a recent conversation, someone stated that she just wanted to know if her husband was aware of what was going on in her life and wanted to feel a connection to him.  As I reflected on her need, I was drawn to Jesus’ conversation with his disciples before he was crucified.  Jesus had compassion on his dear friends, and I am sure his eyes were filled with tears as he told them he was going away.  Some of us remember those last conversations when we knew our loved one was dying.  We each tried to stay brave for the other, but tears were in our eyes and hearts.  We did not want to say “Good-bye” and many of us said, “See you later.”  Our hearts were breaking.  Jesus recognized the grief and heartache of his disciples and gave them the promise, “I am sending a Counselor to be with you.”  That Counselor, Helper, Advocate is the Holy Spirit, which is the Spirit of Jesus that dwells within each believer.

Our souls never die and go to Heaven to be with Jesus.  Our bodies are part of this world and stay here.  We receive a new Heavenly body.  So what about our spirit?  Our soul is the heart or essence of who we are.  Our spirit is our presence.  When we think of our loved one, we remember his spirit of life and joy.  We remember her spirit of passion for relationships and adventures.  The spirit of our loved one is what lives on in us and through us. 

So if Jesus goes away but leaves his spirit, I believe that when our loved one goes away, his/her spirit remains with those whom he/she has been in relationship.  It is a presence that is with us.  We do not always feel the Holy Spirit’s presence, but our faith tells us the Holy Spirit is with us.  This is trust.  At times, the powerful presence fills us and flows in and through us, but most of the time the Holy Spirit is a quiet constant presence within us giving us hope, comfort, awareness of God’s active presence, and a sense of peace.  There are physical reminders of God’s Spirit through worship, prayer, songs, a butterfly and even a cardinal or a hawk.  These physical reminders also occur with our loved one – pictures, songs, possessions, places, and cardinals.  Sometimes we feel the presence and sometimes we need to just trust that the presence is with us.  I believe in this spiritual connection.  It gives me peace and comfort knowing that God connects spirit to spirit.

Stay Longer

“I asked you to stay longer in Ephesus when I went into Macedonia so you could command some people there to stop teaching false things.”    I Timothy 1:3

As I listened to the pastor preach on this Scripture where Paul is writing to Timothy and encouraging him to stay longer in Ephesus, I heard God speak to me about what staying longer means in our grief.  God calls us to stay longer in the emotion of grief and not ignore how our lives have completely changed.  We are not to stay in denial but to begin to feel the pain, hurt and loss.  Staying in these emotions are sometimes overwhelming but are needed for healing.  As we stay longer in the grief, we begin to figure out who we are in this different life, and deal with the issues and changes caused by the death.

God calls us to remain in Him and be still.  To stay longer in His presence and allow His Spirit to comfort us in our sadness. God wants us to feel His presence and to know we are not alone even when we feel so lonely.  Staying longer in God’s presence also helps us to listen to the still small voice within us and to quiet the world.  It is waiting for God’s leading on this journey.  Stay longer in the quiet.  Stay longer in just being still.  Stay longer in the uncertainty because your thoughts and mind need time to gain focus and make decisions.

In this staying time, we hear numerous false teachings about grief.  Statements are made by even well-meaning family and friends that are not helpful or true about grief.  It is not that they are heartless and mean, it is just that they have not experienced the depth of grief that has brought you to this point in your life.  Some of those false teachings in grief include – “you will get over this.”  “You should be over this by now.”  “The pain and hurt won’t last long.”  “You will love again, and then you will be fine.”  “You won’t miss him in a few months.”  The list is endless.

Just as Paul sent Timothy to stop the false teachings about Jesus, we need to recognize the false statements of grief and not feel shame, guilt or fear and anxiety because we still are grieving.  Stay longer in your emotions so that you can face them and accept grief as a part of your life and foundation.  Grief is not bad or wrong, grief is about love.  We grieve because we have loved deeply.

I thought I was ready to take the next adventure, but God said, “Stay longer.”  God continues to slow me down and speak to my heart.  I need to remain in His presence and listen to His purpose for being here in this time and place.  When we stay, we may help someone else on the grief journey.  We may also strengthen the foundation of who we have become because of our grief and loss.  We begin to accept our feelings as part of who we are and learn positive ways of living in these feelings.

Give yourself permission to stay longer in the emotions of grief.  To give yourself time in heal from within not just in outward appearance.  Healing is about integrating the grief, pain and loss into our hearts and lives.  As we do, we become more compassionate and more aware of the grief in others and in daily life.  Grief is not just about death but about all the losses and disappointments of life.  Stay longer in the feelings and mingle the sorrow with the joy.

The Fellowship of Grief

“All the believers were of one heart and mind…and there was warm fellowship among all believers.”                        Acts 4:32-33

As we prayed together in worship, the tears flowed as we remembered a dear believer who was now in Heaven.  The last time he was in worship, he prayed over the offering and now we were overcome with grief as another tried to pray.  We were a community of believers who had the identical feelings and emotions.  We were grieving the loss of someone who had always been there and greeted us with a smile, a warm handshake, and his Christ-like spirit.  It was a sacred and holy moment when our hearts were connected in grief and in celebration of a life well lived who was now in Heaven.

As I had dinner and conversation with a group of widows, I felt an emotional connection with these ladies.  We all had experienced the loss of our husbands and grief was the common factor in our fellowship.  We were all on the journey, each at different stages but on the same path in this different life.  As we shared, I knew that our desire to be a support to other widows beginning this journey was from God, and I was trusting God’s plan.

When I heard about a friend whose husband had died, I remembered my grief as I began the journey.  But I also grieved for her because she would not experience the fellowship of friends and family at visitation.  No service was scheduled and a plan for a celebration of life was set at a later date.  COVID has brought the lack of fellowship at funerals.  Grieving families no longer hear the stories and memories.  They do not receive the hugs, the lines of people waiting to express sympathy, and hear the impact their loved one made on people’s lives.

I walked into the church building.  A place where I have connected with the fellowship of believers, but whom I have not seen for almost a year.  Even if churches are meeting on Sundays, the restrictions of social distancing and masks prevent the warm hugs and handshakes that helped us feel connected to other believers.  Our hearts are one in Jesus, but we desire the touch and hugs of fellow believers.

What is fellowship?  The dictionary defines fellowship as “companionship, company, a community of feeling or experience.”  We are fellow travelers as the body of believers.  We have the common connection of our faith in Jesus.  Fellowship is more than what or who we have in common, it is also the feeling or emotion within our hearts.  It goes deeper.  The fellowship of grief is not that we have the same person in common, but we have the same experience and emotions in common.  We each have a loss that changes us and remains within us.  We are different and long to find others who understand and empathize with us.  We long for someone to “get it” and allow us to be who we are in our grief.  People with whom we can just be ourselves and allow us to feel however we feel without judgment or expectation of change. 

While none of us chose this fellowship of grief, we long for a place where grief is recognized and wherever we are on the journey is accepted.  The focus is not always the grief, but it is the underlying feeling.  It does not need to be stated in this fellowship.  We just know and can tell our story over and over again and feel loved and accepted.  This is fellowship.  We are companions on the journey.  In your grief, may you find this fellowship, this acceptance and connection.  It does not take away our grief, but it confirms that living in our hurt and loss is an acceptable place to be.

The Settling of The Soul

“As the deer pants for water so I long for you, O God, I thirst for God the living God.”  Psalm 42:1-2

My soul is restless, and I have a longing deep within me.  It is a thirst that cannot be quenched with water or objects of this world.  My desire is not fulfilled by possessions, pleasures, or people.  As I reclined in the sunshine, my body absorbed the warmth, and it brought a calmness to my soul.  My physical body needs the vitamin D from the sun, but my soul needed the warmth and rest the sun generously provided.  My soul tends to give to others but needs to be replenished more often than I choose.  God’s Word through Scripture and Hymns replenishes my heart and commitment to Jesus.  The inner soul – the part that nobody but Jesus knows – is the most difficult to refresh and renew.  It remains mostly unsettled in this world.  The brokenness of this world and of myself creates this difficulty to settle.

It is OK to be broken.  God only heals the broken.  If we never felt pain, hurt, heartache, we would not know what it means to feel the deepest emotions and also the closest to Jesus.  We need to surrender our power and façade that we are perfect and can handle any situation in life.  In the settling of my soul, I have had to admit to myself all that God has forgiven in me.  I am a sinner saved by grace, not better or worse than others.  In the eyes of God, I am God’s child.

In this restlessness, I am coming to understand more about whose I am.  Each morning when I run, I reach out and take the Father’s hand with my left hand and Jesus’ hand with my right hand.  I know God holds me with His right hand and leads and directs my path.  God has carried me in my grief and given me His comfort and peace. In my current restlessness, I have begun to hold close to Jesus and my daily conversation in my heart is with Jesus.  The settling of my soul has become gradual but in it I have realized my need for external validation is fading dramatically.  It does not matter what other people think about my decisions and views, all that matters is how Jesus sees me.  It is not that I do not care about people, I care even more because my need for their validation and praise is no longer a part of the relationship.

In grief, nothing seems to settle the soul.  We are restless within and long for our loved one.  It is not just wanting them physically with us, but recognizing how they bring calmness, security, and the assurance that we are not alone.  In my grief, I recognized nobody in this world brought to me a settling within me.  While I love my family and friends, they could not meet a need that I could not even explain or name.  I did not need their approval, and while I cared about them, they were not enough to fill the void in my soul.

My longing is for someone to touch my soul.  In my grief, only Jesus can reach deep within me and understand and just be present with me.  Jesus does not take away the emotions and heartache, but Jesus holds me in these feelings and accepts me in my brokenness.  I have nothing to prove and there is no need to pretend I am doing great.  Jesus looks deep in my soul and loves me because I am His and Jesus loves me.  I am focusing on being present with Jesus and sharing thoughts, feelings, and stories with Him instead of those around me.  Jesus understands, and I am beginning to smile within my soul as I listen to others because I have a story to share but I share it with Jesus.  My soul is settling.

Redirected Path

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own insight.  In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.”   Proverbs 3:5-6

Two years ago when I visited Punta Gorda, I heard God speak to my soul – “Go further.” I was in the last place Dave and I vacationed together before his diagnosis. As I ran the Harbor walk, the trail had been expanded from when Dave and I had walked it. As I ran, I felt Dave’s presence and God calling me to go further in my life.

Last year when I ran the Harbor walk trail, I prayed for God to speak to me again.  As I ran around the hotel Dave and I had stayed, I felt Dave’s presence and heard his words in my heart that it was OK to move forward with my life.  He was at peace in Heaven, and I needed to continue with my life journey.

This year as I ran the same trail, I ran to the end of the northern Harbor walk trail and turned around running back over the same route.  I needed a few more steps to complete my four-mile run so I continued past my starting point.  I became aware the path was re-routed and updated.  It was then I heard God speak within my soul – “Your path to me has never changed, it has just been re-routed.”  The course God planned for me still had the same destination, it was just re-routed and updated to reflect the changes in my life and the pain and heartache that now became a part of the trail.

None of us planned for our lives to change so dramatically and suddenly even if we knew the decline was revealing change. But here we are. Our lives encountered an end to a path, and we are re-routed. We have retraced our steps – our memories of what our lives used to be and who we were on the journey with our loved one. We have wondered what comes next. How can I continue on this path of life? Then God reveals a path that may have some familiarity but appears different. We are still going toward Jesus, but we feel an emptiness on the journey. It is not what we dreamed, but it is what we now have.

As I ran the path, a turn on the trail revealed a monument erected to remember Hurricane Charley that devastated Punta Gorda in 2004.  The monument is of a tall palm tree, a bent over palm tree and a sun dial.  The sun dial depicts the time of the hurricane – 4:29 PM.  The bent over tree represents the destruction and the tall tree reveals the strength of survival in the storm.

This reminded me of grief. We remember the exact time of death and those last moments of trauma, devastation and death, but we have survived. Life is totally different. We have begun to re-route and now rebuild a life. We are stronger because of our trust and dependence upon God. We may not feel strong, but we have survived the most devastating event of our lives, and now are trying to help others along the path.

The route you are on currently is not one chosen by you.  Life has re-routed your path.  I have learned from the Harbor walk trail that life goes on.  We remember.  We celebrate life.  We remember the heartache and pain.   But as we trust in God, He re-routes our path on earth but our final destination with Him remains the same.  Trust.  Trust even when your heart aches.  Trust even when it is hard to believe.  Trust the path.  Trust the One on the path with you.

Identifying With Grief

“Lord, have mercy, because I am in misery.  My eyes are weak from so much crying, and my whole being is tired from grief.”  Psalm 31:9

This month I have grieved the loss of several friends.  One I had just begun walking the journey of life with and another was the wife of my husband Dave’s dear friend.  Another, was a part of a church I served and I had walked the journey of life and death with his family several years ago.  One I watched for years decline and the others died of complications from COVID.  I also heard of friends and church family who had lost a loved one.  Each day in the newspaper, I read the obituaries and even though I do not know the person, I thank God for a life and pray for the families who grieve.  We grieve the loss of thousands who have died from the complications of COVID.  Grief is all around us.

We grieve not just the loss of a loved one, but we grieve all types of losses in our lives.  The loss of innocence.  The loss of trust.  The loss of hope.  The loss of love.  The loss of a dream.  The loss of a job.  The loss of a home.  The losses are all around us.  We may not recognize these losses as a form of grief, but we need to name the grief and take the time to grieve and process the loss.  Grief will always be a part of our journey of life.  I believe when we have lost our favorite person, we begin to recognize other losses in our lives.  Grief becomes familiar and we feel all the negative emotions toward grief – anger, hurt, pain, heartache.

The pain and hurt of our grief become so familiar that we stay in these feelings out of fear of losing our connection with our loved one.  It seems disrespectful to move forward and create a new life without our loved one.  We do not want to live without them even though we know our loved one would want us to develop a new chapter of life and find a new meaning and purpose.

I listened to a mother who had lost her son.  She shared the journey with me, and I could identify with many of the feelings and emotions she shared.  Staying in the grief and not developing new relationships has kept her close to her son.  We know life continues to happen around us, but the grief, pain and heartache feels like we are being loyal to our loved one.  It gets comfortable and familiar, and our identity gets wrapped up in the grief.  We connect to their pain of death through our pain of grief.

Our identify gets caught up in grief.  If we begin a new relationship, others assume we are no longer grieving and have moved on.  Sometimes we avoid relationships because we do not want to leave the familiarity of grief though it is painful.  We may see ourselves as a widow, widower, childless, parentless individual and will always identity with that description.  We do not know who we are outside of this identity.  It can become comfortable, but it can also be a place where we are stuck and afraid of walking into this different life.

When we accept grief is always going to be a part of our lives, we can begin to name our feelings and take the time to process these emotions in a healthy way.  When we try to avoid feeling the grief, it will express itself in negative ways like making us physically sick or living in fear, anxiety and depression.  Grief is not like a welcomed friend, but like someone who shows up at our door unexpectedly and we must figure out how we deal with them.  Jesus felt the pain and heartache of grief.  God holds us close in our loss and tears.  We receive His mercy.  Mercy is God’s way of saying to us, “Give to me your heart which is full of heartache, pain and loss.  I will not take away the love that it represents, but I will release you to live this next chapter of life.  I will be with you.  The love for your dear one will always be in you.  Give to me the pain and hurt.”

Allow your grief to identify the hurt and pain in others.  Acknowledge the loss.  It is part of who you are and who they are. 

Outward Appearance

“People look at the outside of a person, but the Lord looks at the heart.” I Samuel 16:7

We glance in the mirror. We showered.  Our hair is washed and presentable.  Our outfit in neat and clean.  Our outward appearance seems normal.  But nobody told us we looked pretty this morning.  As we walk out the door to face the world, we appear to have it “together.”  Fortunately, nobody can see our hearts.  Hearts filled with pain, sadness, grief, and loneliness.  We keep our emotions within us because when we release them to those who do not understand grief, we are made to feel like we should be beyond these feelings and emotions and not grieving.  We are even told by friends and family that we should be over this by now and move on with our lives.  So outwardly, we attempt to present that we are “fine” and that our heart is not breaking.

This is part of the grief journey.  We want to present well to those around us who do not understand that grief will last forever, and you do not get over grief.  You just learn to live with grief and develop a different life in it.  I spoke with several widows this past week who are at different places on their grief journey.  All spoke of the need to be around others who understand the heart of grief and are further along the path and can be a guide and give hope.

We tend to close off our heart in our grief to protect it from further hurt and pain.  It is difficult to open the box of pain, hurt and grief or even to name all that is in it.  But when we encounter others who have experienced similar heartache, we connect broken heart to broken heart.  Many times this connection goes beyond words because we know they get it.  Our hearts sense the pain and grief and even in these deep emotions we feel a sense of peace that we are not alone in these strange feelings.

As I talked with a friend who had lost his wife this past year, he stated that each night he prayed that God would allow him to wake up in Heaven.  He is ready to go be with God and his dear wife.  He said his family did not understand his feelings.  As we talked, he was thankful he could talk with someone who understand the grief and loss and did not tell him not to talk about going to Heaven.  Outwardly he was trying to live in this world, but inwardly his heart was already in Heaven.

We try to live in this world.  We try to find peace and meaning and hope in each day, but some days getting out of bed is difficult.  How are we to live without the one who gave meaning and purpose and joy to our days?  We become exhausted attempting to fit back into a world that feels so different.  We busy ourselves with tasks and lists and even complete some projects, therefore, those around us see that we are functioning well and moving forward with life.  Looks are deceiving.  Keeping busy is good at first.  We do not know how to fix our broken heart so if we keep busy, we attempt to ignore the pain and heartache.  This works until we get dizzy riding the merry-go-round of life and become emotionally exhausted. 

God sees our pain and hurt and heartache.  God calls us to stop doing for awhile and just be still and present with Him.  God does not take away the heartache because it represents love, but He comforts us and gives to us His peace and presence.  While I do not want to live in pain and heartache, I will choose to do so because I will always choose to love.  With love comes the pain of separation and loss.  But with love also comes memories that sustain, and joy and laughter of sharing life together. 

Outwardly we will appear fine most of the time on the journey until we meet a fellow traveler, and we share our pain and loss.  God will always know our heart – a love that will never end.

Decisions But Not Deciding

“The Lord decided what a person will do; no one understands what his life is all about.”  Proverbs 20:24

All the grief literature and advice states not to make any major decisions the first year following a death.  Well, the major decision was already made when death entered my life, and I began the grief journey.  I did not choose for death to take away my hopes and dreams.  I made no decision to make my life different.  I made no decision to change all of my relationships.  I did not decide.  But the decision was made.  Life was given so many days on this earth, and now the days were complete.  Decision were made about life and I did not get a choice.  Is this your story, too?

Life involves decision after decision.  We decide what to wear, what to eat, where to go, what career, who to marry, where to live and the list goes on and on.  How do we learn to make these decisions?  Some are made without our input like who our parents are and where we are born.  So who made these decisions for our lives?  For me, I recognize the existence of God and God’s ultimate decision to create and sustain life.  We choose to believe or not to believe, but that choice does not determine God’s existence, just one’s belief system.

The greatest decision of my life was to accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior and surrender my life to God’s will and direction for my life.  I professed my faith publicly as a teenage and have spent my life trying to follow God’s will.  I have made plenty of decisions outside God’s will and boundary for my life.  I have accepted the consequences of the sins and asked for forgiveness.  The desire to make our own decisions is part of the human desire to be in control and not have any boundaries.  This usually leads us down a selfish and sinful path of pain and hurt.  But pain and hurt also occur when we surrender to God’s will and follow His path of life.  So if life is going to be hurtful, why not make our own decisions about what pain we want to endure?  Sounds like a good idea, but the problem is we do not get to make the decisions about all the people whom we are in relationship.  The pain and grief of death is not our choice or decision.

Death has occurred, and the only decision I get to make is how I face it and live in this different life.  In the cloudiness and numbness of our grief, decisions seem to be made around us without a conscious awareness of actually deciding.  It seems things happen, and we have no memory of how it happened.  Other times, we know we must decide the next step but wonder how to figure out the process.  For some of us, we never made a decision by ourselves.  It was always with our partner, always with someone we trusted to guide and direct the process.

In my grief journey, I decided to move five times.  The first decision was made from necessity of downsizing and dealing with changes in our lives.  The other moves were about finding my life in this different world and who I am now.  I would probably change some of these decisions as I reflect, but I learned from each one of them and continue to learn in my choices and decisions.  Decisions can be huge like a move or small like getting out of bed.  Sometimes we need to just let things happen because deciding is too overwhelming.  

Now that we are alone, we accept that God is our strength, guide, and comforter on this journey.  We may question why God allowed death to occur when life was not completed.  We need God’s peace and protection, but we struggle with whether God’s decisions for our lives will again bring pain and hurt like the loss of our loved one.  This surrender to God’s will and decisions for my life have been a continual process of trust and growth.  I know God loves me and wants to live in my heart and be the center of my life.  When I decide to trust God, I let go of the need to make every decision my way.  I decide to believe God wants the best for me even though sometimes it does not feel like it.  It is deciding to follow God even when I cannot see the path ahead of me.  It is deciding that I do not need to make decisions for the future, just trust my future to God.  It is knowing that I will still feel loss, pain, hurt and heartache but deciding I will still love even though it may bring these feelings.  It is deciding I do not need to decide, but to live in the moment and hold Jesus’ hand.  It is deciding to have faith – trust in the One who now holds my hand.

No Resolution

“Then Jesus…. prayed, “My father, if it is not possible for this painful thing to be taken from me, and if I must do it, I pray that what you want will be done.”    Matthew 26:42

Before the beginning of each new year, I have in the past written resolutions, goals, plans and dreams.  Most of them were measurable like reading a book a month, exercising, cleaning out clutter, making visits, writing, and the list goes on and on.  After my husband, Dave, died in 2015, I wrote a list for 2016.  I reviewed this list recently and wondered now how I thought I could accomplish all the goals and plans with my grief causing me to have no focus or decision-making ability.   Each year the list had similar goals, but I have come to recognize the plans and dreams have become less measurable and more spiritual and relational.  While I accomplished giving away most of my stuff and eliminating clutter, my view of life had changed because of the loneliness and pain of my grief.

“People may make plans in their minds, but the Lord decides what they will do.”  Proverbs 16:9

2020 revealed to us that we can make plans, set goals, and have dreams, but life can take a detour. Nobody anticipated the drastic changes that occurred in 2020 and that life as we knew it would literally be shut down. To me, 2020 expressed what grief does to our lives. It changes everything we had hoped and dreamed and leaves us confused and unable to focus on figuring out how to live in this different life. We can make plans. I remember making those plans in 2015 as Dave and I began planning to downsize and travel. Then the diagnosis came but we were hopeful and continued to make plans, but God knew the outcome and plans changed. Grief was the focus not the plans and dreams.

This year I have not written any resolutions, goals, plans, or dreams for 2021.  I am praying as Jesus prayed, “Not my will, but God’s will.”  The pain of grief will not be taken away from any of us.  We will take grief into each year and will begin to figure out how to live with it.  Grief permeates every aspect of our lives.  Grief is part of our foundation in life, part of our purpose.  That has been difficult for me to accept and to share with others.  Pain and death on the cross was the purpose for Jesus’ life.  He was born so that He would die as the perfect sacrifice for our sins.

Grief has changed us.  We look at the world through different lenses now.  I have found that my focus no longer is on long range goals and dreams, but on ways I can live in the present moment.  Tomorrow is not promised, but we have today, this moment.  How are we living close to Jesus in these moments?  Productivity is rarely a part of the grief journey.  Survival is the focus the first year or so, and then we begin to figure out how we live with the grief.  It is OK not to make plans, goals, and resolutions.  It is trusting and depending on God, not ourselves.  It is not living in busyness and how the world sees life.  Enjoy moments and make memories. 

Grief and 2020 has changed us, therefore, we need to change how we begin a new year and how we live.  So for 2021, I am going to get up every morning, breath in God’s Spirit and surrender each day to God.  I am praying for God’s will, not mine.  Grief revealed to me that it is all about God.  For God never left me in my grief but is beside me giving me comfort and His peace.  Live in today.  My word for 2021 is “Surrender.”

Unsettled

“If you go the wrong way – to the right or to the left – you will hear a voice behind you saying, “This is the right way.  You should go this way.”   Isaiah 30:21

2020 has been a year filled with disappointment, uncertainty, change, fear, grief, and the list could go on and on.  It has been an unsettling year and as we approach 2021, we are unsure what will happen and if life will settle down.  A new year usually brings a sense of hope, a clean slate, and a hope for a good future.  But the uncertainty of the virus leaves many of us unsettled.  For those whose lives were changed by grief, the new year brings an uncertainty of how can you begin a new year without your loved one?  The thought of beginning anything new especially a year without your loved one seems impossible and unsettling.

The week between Christmas and the New Year is a time where everything seems different without a routine or purpose.  We have survived Christmas and live now in our broken expectations or sense of relief that it is over which creates some feelings of guilt.  Nothing is normal in this week.  We may have spent weeks preparing for Christmas and now that the day has come and gone, we feel exhausted, thankful, relieved, anxious, fearful of the new year, and so many more feelings and emotions come into this week.  It is a week where we reflect on the past year which many of us would like to just forget.  It is a week where we begin to ponder the new year and make resolutions or goals for the new year.  We are feeling unsettled.

To be unsettled means lacking stability and feeling as if everything is out of order.  That’s a good description of how grief feels.  This week – the week between Christmas and New Year’s Day - describes grief.  We have experienced the birth of Jesus and our heart is full of life and hope.  Then the day, the life is gone, and we feel numb and nothing is clear.  A cloud of uncertainty hovers over, and we just exist through the exhaustion and pain and sadness.  Oh, we have moments of joy and thankfulness.  We are thankful for family and the blessing of friends and what they bring into these moments.  Nothing feels normal.  Everyone goes back to their lives and world, and here we are stuck in this feeling of being unsettled.  We have a new year, a different life, ahead of us but here we are stuck in these days not being able to describe all the feelings, emotions, emptiness, and uncertainty.  We are unsettled.

It is hard to imagine a year or another year without our loved ones.  How can I look forward to something without him beside me?  How can I make plans without her guidance?  One of the hardest steps in my grieve after the death of my husband, Dave, was making decisions.  I was so used to talking through decisions with Dave, receiving his opinion, and seeing things from his perspective which helped to see other viewpoints.  I have felt unsettled in making decisions.   What if I go the wrong way?  What if it is not what God wants me to do?  You know all those “what ifs” that flood your mind in your grief and uncertainty.

One of the last scriptures my mom and I talked about was from Isaiah 30:21 – “If you go the wrong way – to the right or to the left – you will hear a voice behind you saying, “This is the right way.  You should go this way.”  I have made a lot of decisions in my grief journey.  Some were good and some were made without much thought or focus.  I have heard a voice – sometimes Dave’s, sometimes my mom’s, and sometimes that inner voice of God – directing my path.  Sometimes I listened and sometimes, I learned from my wrong decisions.

I believe the unsettledness of grief and of this week between Christmas and New Year’s Day is trying to discern direction for our lives.  This week is a time of reflection.  It is when life is different without a normal routine and that is what grief is too.  We desire life to be different than 2020, and we want the pain, sadness, and grief not to be in control.  We find ourselves eating all the Christmas goodies so we can start fresh and healthy in the new year.  We fear that the memories will fade, and it seems impossible to go forward into a new year and life.  Listen to the voice behind you and within you.  You may take the step into the new year with fear, grief and sadness but that voice, the voice of God’s Spirit, will lead you.  God will begin to settle your feelings, not take them away.  God promises to be with us and to be our foundation, our rock which stabilizes us in these days of uncertainty, unsettledness, and loneliness. 

Settle with Jesus.

Feelings Of Christmas

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and he saves those whose spirits have been crushed.”  Psalm 34:18

“It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas” as the song begins.  We have an idea of what Christmas looks like – all the preparations of decorating, shopping, the lights, the meal, and the list goes on and on.  It looks a lot different this year in many ways, too.  The snow this past week in Ohio makes it look like the Christmas season.  Does it feel like Christmas?  I have heard so many people say, “It doesn’t feel like Christmas?”  What is Christmas supposed to feel like?

Feelings are emotions and reactions to situations.  We do not choose our feelings, but we can choose how we react or allow those feelings to come out of us.  Feelings are inside of us, and many times we are afraid to admit this is how we feel.  It is OK to feel whatever you are feeling.  It is just figuring out what you do with those feelings.

As a child, we feel excitement and anticipation at Christmas.  We focus on the presents, the cookies and candies, the family visits, the Christmas plays, and being out of school.  Christmas is the main event of the year for many children.  It can also be a sad and lonely time depending on family circumstances.

As we walk the grief journey, Christmas becomes a time where we do not feel like celebrating.  We feel the loneliness and the hole in our lives without our loved one.  It seems impossible to celebrate when life is so different and our hearts ache.  We want to just get through it or just not have Christmas.  We feel we cannot do anything and have no desire to put on a happy face and celebrate.  It feels so wrong to do anything related to Christmas when our loved one is not present.  Then in another moment, we may feel we need to do everything the same and try to make Christmas as “normal” as possible.  But nothing is normal, and every effort seems an impossible task.

We feel like if we do not celebrate Christmas, we are missing out on something, but in reality we are just missing someone.  You may feel numb and just going through the motions of existing this Christmas season.  Give yourself permission to feel however you feel and to do or not do whatever is right for you.  Your heart is broken.  You may feel alone even with family around, or this year family is not going to be around because of COVID.  Being alone may feel right this season.  It is OK not to do the outward celebrations of the season.  Decorations and baking and cooking seem meaningless this year, and they are in light of your broken spirit.

We feel exhausted.  Just thinking about the events and people and expectations we place upon ourselves brings exhaustion.  It is recognizing that grief is wearisome and makes us feel tired and unable to complete even the simplest of tasks.  Therefore, the thought of all the Christmas preparations is overwhelming.  It seems impossible.  If you are exhausted, then rest and let go of the expectations and just be present in the moments that you can this Christmas.

You may feel disappointed this Christmas season.  We are disappointed in how 2020 turned out.  We are disappointed in our life, our future, how we react, and the sorrow and brokenness of our life.  Christmas brings disappointment for so many people.  We are disappointed in our family, and that our gathering does not live up to our expectations.  We are disappointed that those we love do not understand and are not supportive in the way we need them to be.  Christmas is more than family.  God never disappoints even when we do not understand why God allows the heartaches of life.

Christmas is really about a God who comes to be with us – Emmanuel.  God is with you in your feelings and emotions.  God is close to you who are brokenhearted.  God is with you whose spirit is crushed and you who feel isolated, alone, and sad.  Christmas is about God breaking through the pain and hurt and disappointments of our world and coming to be like us.  Jesus came to experience the same things we experience.  He understands the heartache of death and the deep feelings of grief and pain.  This Christmas feel God’s presence not the presents under the tree.  Feel the warmth of God’s light not the lights on the trees.  Feel the touch of God upon your heart when you long for the touch of your loved one.  Feel however you feel this Christmas.  Give yourself permission to feel it, but also feel Jesus break through the pain, hurt and sadness to be with you giving you His comfort and peace.  Jesus comes not to take it all away, but to walk beside us and give us a hope of a hope. 

Treasured Moments

“But Mary quietly treasured these things in her heart and often thought about them.”  Luke 2:19

As Christmas approaches our thoughts turn to gifts and presents for family and friends.  What do I buy or make or share?  As I reflect on Christmas days I have experienced in my life, I remember little about the gifts I received.  I remember some of the gifts I gave to others.  I have some memories based on pictures taken of the gifts around the tree.  My dad always had to take a picture of everyone holding their gifts.  The gifts sometimes did not last through Christmas day.  I remember one year receiving a metal slinky toy.  It was like a large spring that could be stretched and go down steps.  By the end of the day, I had it twisted and tangled to the point it no longer worked. What I treasure the most is the memories of being with family and my church family.  The treasures were not the unwrapped gifts but the moments of love. 

Mary, the mother of Jesus, treasured all the events of Jesus’ birth in her heart and the events became memories that she continued to think about all her life.  It was not the gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh that she was treasuring but all the events and people around the birth of Jesus.  It was the moments of God’s presence.  God had come to earth in the form of a baby, her baby.  She was chosen by God.  She was loved.  She was not in her home or with her family, but she was with God.  Mary may have been frightened and felt alone without her extended family, but she was experiencing God break through her fears and life and be with her.

The first year after my husband Dave’s death, I gave treasures from his collections as gifts so that his family and friends would have a physical treasure to remind them of Dave’s continuing presence.  Each year I have tried to give a gift as a reminder of Dave and his love.  This year, I gave some Christmas gifts early so that family and friends would enjoy them – Christmas ornaments created by Dave’s dear friend Tom’s daughter Gigi.  A memorial angel for the tree. 

This Christmas season is different because of COVID and because loved ones are not with us.  We may not be with family or have a large family gathering this year.  In our grief, we know Christmas will be different and may not feel like celebrating and purchasing gifts anyhow.  Maybe this is the year to follow Mary’s guidance and treasure moments in our hearts.  We each have past memories that are so special to us – precious as a fragile ornament.  We gently take out the memory and hold it in our heart. 

I have come to realize that my treasures are moments I have tucked away in my heart.  Moments that are like a photo or a video clip of an event or a time I had with my loved one.  When I close my eyes, I feel and see the moment.  It brings warmth to my soul and a moment of peace and joy in my heart.  Some of these moments are triggered by pictures or by a treasured possession.  But most of these moments are gifts from God when I feel sad or lonely and need a touch of love.

We can continue to create these treasured moments.  Be in the moment with a sunset, beautiful Christmas lights, a song, the hug of a child, the smell of soup, the smile of a friend.  Each of these are treasures that sustain us in life and give us hope in this different life.  When you experience these moments, stop, close your eyes and take a mental picture of the moment.  Then when you need it, just pull it from your treasures and ponder it as a gift from God to guide you through the rough moments of life.

Darkness In Hope

“That night, some shepherds were in the fields nearby watching their sheep.  Then an angel of the Lord stoop before them….and they became frightened.”   Luke 2:8-9

This past week I experienced the magic of the season through Christmas light displays.  We drove through the millions of lights at the National Trail Raceway Light show with lights twinkling to the beat of the Christmas music.  We experienced a hometown Christmas as we drove through the Home for the Holidays Christmas lights in the park in my hometown.  We also experienced the individual Christmas decorations in neighborhoods around us.  Even our own tree and a few lights outside our own home sparkled in the darkness.  All these lights needed darkness to shine their brightest.

Each year there is an anticipation and excitement in our hearts to experience the joys of Christmas.  A memory lingers in our hearts that Christmas is filled with joy and peace and hope.  We remember for a moment and in that memory, all seems good with the world and our lives.  We dwell in the memory of lights, but then darkness enters our thoughts.  The darkness of grief overwhelms the joy of the Christmas season, and the thought of preparing for another Christmas without our loved one seems impossible.

The darkness brings a different feel and quietness to our souls.  At times in our lives, we long for night to come so that we can rest from the activities of the day and sleep.  But when grief enters our lives, darkness brings an inner loneliness that is deeper than that of the day. We recognize we are truly alone, and the quietness does not bring rest but anxiety and fear.  The night is no longer welcoming and familiar but frightening and intense.

On that first Christmas night, the shepherds knew darkness and the quiet of the night.  It was familiar to them.  They knew the shadows of the sheep, the reflections from the moon and even the sounds in the distance.  Nothing unusual happened for the shepherds at night.  The darkness came every night.  In our grief, darkness becomes familiar but unwanted.  We desire to escape into the darkness but when we do, the loneliness and fear creep into the dark.  We desire the presence of our loved one but find only memories and fear.  For the shepherds, they needed the darkness to see the light and hope of the angels.  The angels spoke to quiet their fear and give them hope in the darkness of their spiritual lives.

The dark night of my own soul came in my grief.  But it was in this darkness that God revealed the light of hope.  Oh, this light did not come quickly or even brightly at first.  It was only a flicker of hope that was easily extinguished in the loneliness and pain of grief.  But that flicker remained – a hope of a hope in the darkness.  The angel of God’s holy presence came and sat with me in my grief giving me comfort but never taking away the sadness or loss.  As I sat in the darkness, God’s light began to shine brighter in my heart, and I knew my loved one was with God and God was with me. 

The hope that came was not that life would be normal, familiar or the same again, but that God was with me even in my grief.  God brought His light of hope and comfort to me so that I could bring His light and comfort to others.  As we walk the journey of grief, we become a light to those who come behind us in the dark.  Not that everything will be back to normal, but that even in our different life we can find hope and peace.  Hope that God is with us.  Hope that those ahead of us, will continue to shine their light for us to follow.  Peace that is not based on the circumstances of life, but on the Prince of Peace, Jesus.

Remember Not Re-create

“Remember the days of old, consider the years of many generations; ask your father, and he will show you; your elders, and they will tell you.”  Deuteronomy 32:7

I sat with family at the dining room table that used to be in my house but now resides in my grandson’s home.  As we shared our Thanksgiving meal, I remembered twenty-five years of dinners around this table.  As I made my mom’s yeast rolls, I used the recipe in her handwriting and her mixing bowl.  I remembered years of eating her rolls and the smell of rolls baking in the house.  As I opened the scrapbook of pictures, memories flooded my mind.  I remembered trips together, family events, loved ones who made a difference in my life.  As I put up the Christmas tree, I remembered years of Christmas decorating in many locations, churches and with family.  I remembered as I placed special ornaments on the tree who gave them to me and the memory behind each one.

To remember.  God has blessed us with memory.  Scriptures are full of times of remembrances.  The book of Deuteronomy is a book of remembrances.  It is a retelling of the history of the Israelites, the law of Moses and the faithfulness of God toward his chosen people.  God wanted His people to remember that He chose them, protected them and will always be faithful and walk the path of life with them.

We remember.  We remember our loved one.  We remember our life with our loved one.  We remember who we were with them.  We also remember the loss, the pain, the grief, the loneliness.  We remember with joy and with sorrow.  We want to always remember and never forget the love and difference our loved one made in our lives.  We want to hold on to this memory.  Sometimes, we want to hold on so tightly that we want to re-create all the memories and do not want any tradition or way of doing things to change.

We try so hard to do traditions like we always did when our loved one was with us.  We want the table, the food, the tree, and the holidays to be exactly the same.  In our grief, we try to re-create all the memories in the hope that if we do, the grief and pain will go away. It is as if we believe if we do everything the same, our loved one will be present.  We know in our heads that this is not true, but our hearts want to believe.  No matter how hard we try, we will never re-create the memory because our loved one is not with us and that is all we really want.  We want things to be the same and go back to the way it used to be.  Life is now different.  This is what we have.  So we remember and honor our loved one in the memories.

As we begin the Christmas season with all the traditions, we recognize this year is different in many ways.  COVID changes so much along with the loss of our loved one.  Our heart’s desire is to re-create all our traditions.  I have recognized that it is impossible to do.  I have done life and the traditions differently each of the past five years.  I have tried new adventures and new ways of decorating and experiencing the Christmas season.  Different has just been different.  I have spent time remembering and celebrating the past and giving thanks for the time together and all the wonderful memories.  It has challenged me to focus on what is really important.  I have spent more time reflecting on the true meaning of Christmas – the birth of Jesus - and less time on how society defines the season.  Most of my remembrances center around relationships not gifts, decorations or even the food.  My memories are of time spent with my parents just the three of us before gathering with the entire family.  The memories of Christmas Eve services with church family.  My time with Dave around our tree and serving communion together between Christmas Eve Services.  And the memories go on and on. 

I am learning to remember but not to re-create the memory. To rejoice in the memory and thank God for the gift of the relationship.  To accept life is never going to be the same and I need to make new memories and new traditions. I remember with hope.  I cannot re-create the traditions, but I can continue in the hope of the memory and in the promise of the season.  Hope is in God and His presence who walks with us.  As we begin this Christmas season, remember with love your loved one.  Hope not in the traditions but in God’s presence with you through each moment of the season.

Thankful Holes

“O give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; for His steadfast love endures forever.” Psalm 106:1

Thanksgiving – a time to give thanks.  We thank God for His love, His Presence, the gift of salvation through Jesus, and the gift of life.  We give thanks for family and friends.  We give thanks for food, shelter, and personal needs. We give thanks for the good of life, but can we truly give thanks in all circumstances of life?

As I reflect on Thanksgiving, I give thanks for all the people God has placed on my path of life.  Family, friends, church family, co-workers, patients, and clients who have influenced and given meaning to my days.  I walked the journey with some people for a short time and others continue to be with me.  I am who I am because of the faith and influence of others.  Sometimes I learned by positive example and other times I learned through the hurt and heartache. 

I give thanks for my loved ones who are now in Heaven.  Their lives made an impact and imprint on my life and influenced my faith and direction in life.  I am thankful they lived, and that God placed them on my path of life.  But with the gratitude also comes the grief and sorrow that they are not physically with me.  The hole in my heart is intense because they are not here walking with me.  Grief is the price of love.  I am thankful that I have loved and therefore, thankful for the pain and grief.  I cannot imagine not having my loved ones in my life.  I would not be this far down the path of life if they had not been in my life.

This past week, I celebrated the 100th birthday of my friend, Frank.  Unfortunately, with COVID, the family could not have a big celebration.  I sat with Frank and we talked about his life – his career, his military service, his wife and family, our faith and Heaven.  I am thankful for Frank’s life, his service to our country, his faith and his deep love for his wife and family.  I had a special friendship with Frank’s sister-in-law, Ruth, and then his wife, Nancy, and because of the hole in our hearts, we have bonded as friends. I miss Ruth and Nancy and have a hole in my heart because they are now in Heaven.  I am thankful they are in Heaven because the loss of them developed my friendship with Frank.

I also led a couple of grief groups this past week.  As I shared my story of grief and loss and survival, I was thankful for my grief.  Not that I wanted my loved ones to die, but because of their death, I could relate and help others who were beginning the journey of grief.  I recognized the holes in their hearts.  As one person said, “It is good to be with others who get it.”  None of us want to grieve but we are all walking the grief path because we have loved deeply and would do it all over again.  The pain and loss is overwhelming at times, but it would be worse not to have loved and had our loved ones in our lives.

This year Thanksgiving is different in so many ways.  Because of our grief and because of COVID.  We may not be able to celebrate with our extended family and our loved one will not be here.  Maybe this year, we can focus on moments – moments that we remember the love God has for us.  Moments we celebrate our loved one’s legacy.  Moments we talk with people who continue to influence our lives and walk the path of life with us.  Moments we give thanks.  Moments of grief and sadness.  Moments we recognize and give thanks for the holes in our hearts. Moments of joy and celebration.  Moments.

Through The Storm

“By now a strong wind was blowing, and the waves on the lake were getting bigger. The followers saw Jesus walking on the water, coming toward the boat.”  John 6:18-19

We lived through Tropical Storm Eta with its strong winds, pounding rain and high surf.  We had expected a week of sunshine and beautiful weather but received a storm for part of our adventure.  For a short time, the rain lessened, and we ventured out of our condo along with others and braved the beach.  The experience of the power of the wind and waves was awesome and at the same time overwhelming.  The intensity was magnificent, and I could feel the presence of God’s mighty power in nature.  We could only endure the wind and rain for a short time.  The downpour came again, and the wind was too much to endure on our own.

Then the storm passed.  The sun came out the next day, and we again walked the beach.  While the waves had power, they did not take over the beach but stayed within their boundaries.  God had brought to the sand treasures from deep in the sea.  The beach was lined with shells.  It is amazing how the shells survived the power of the storm.  Yes, the broken shells were scattered along the shore, but among them were perfect shells created by God with intricate and delicate designs.

As I reflect on the storm, our journey of grief is similar.  Grief and loss come unexpectant when life is good, and we are anticipating enjoying life together.  Grief overwhelms, and we can live in its intensity only in short moments before we need a distraction from its reality.  We know it is still there, but we need to take a breath and find a place of safety and security.

Then Jesus enter our storm. He has been watching but we become aware of His presence. Jesus does not take away the storm of grief, He just gets in the grief boat with us and sits with us in the storm. We recognize His presence in moments of faith and hope.

As time passes, the clouds begin to lift. The affects of the storm of grief never leave us, but we begin to experience moments of peace – treasures from God. We connect with others on the journey and treasure these moments where our hearts connect in grief and someone else understands the hurt and pain.

The storms of life and grief are guaranteed just as tropical storms will always come even sometimes in our trip to the ocean.  I have come to accept the grief and look for the treasures of God’s presence and others on the journey.

Scriptures on Loneliness and Change

“Be still and know that I am God.”                    Psalm 46:10

“You are all around me – in front and in back – and have put your hand on me.”

                                                                                    Psalm 139:5

“I find rest in God; only he gives me hope.  He is my rock and my salvation.  He is my defender; I will not be defeated.”                Psalm 62:5-6

“You are my help.  Because of your protection, I sing.  I stay close to you; you support me with your right hand.”                      Psalm 63:7-8

“Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God, because I pray to you.  Lord, every morning you hear my voice.  Every morning, I tell you what I need, and I wait for your answer.”                                           Psalm 5:2-3

“The Lord is all I need.  He takes care of me.”  Psalm 16:5

“You will teach me how to live a holy life.  Being with you will fill me with joy; at your right hand I will find pleasure forever.”   Psalm 16:11

“You changed my sorrow into dancing.  You took away my clothes of sadness, and clothed me in happiness.”                          Psalm 30:11

“Lord, have mercy, because I am in misery.  My eyes are weak from so much crying, and my whole being is tired from grief.”

                                                                                    Psalm 31:9

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and he saves those whose spirits have been crushed.”                                                       Psalm 34:18

“I waited patiently for the Lord.  He turned to me and heard my cry.  He lifted me out of the pit of destruction, out of the sticky mud.  He stood me on a rock and made my feet steady.  He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God.”                                                                                    Psalm 40:1-3

Revealings On The Journey

“Use the gift you have, which was given to you through prophecy when the group of elders laid their hands on you.  Continue to do those things; give your life to doing them so your progress may be seen by everyone.”                     I Timothy 4:14-15

This past week God has used me to share His Spirit, love and care in a variety of settings.  I led a Grief Seminar, talked with a Hospice Grief Support Group, shared about caregiver burnout at an online symposium, visited my soon to be 100 year old friend and cried with him in his grief, counseled clients, officiated at a funeral, and spent time with my siblings.  Phone calls, cards and conversations were in the midst of the week too.  I share all of this not to boast but to reveal how God uses our pain and grief to help others if we are open to God’s calling in our lives. 

None of us would choose to go through the loss of our loved one and to experience the deep pain and hurt of grief.  It is a secret club we never knew about and never wanted to join, but here we are in our grief and loss.  As we journey and become more aware of reality and struggle to live in this new different, we begin to see others beginning the journey.  When we talk with others who have walked this path, they have been our guide and understand our emotions and challenges.  Therefore, we can help those who are behind us by just being present and listening and sharing together.  We are in this together.

As I spoke this week on Caregiver burnout, God revealed to me that grief and loss have similar paths.  Some of us began our grief feeling exhausted from caring for our loved one at the end of life.  We shared in the pain of our loved and stayed present even when we could not change the situation.  We prayed for healing and made sacrifices for our loved one.  We may have grieved at each change and loss as our loved one declined and now recognize we have been on the grief journey for a long time.  We may have ignored taking care of ourselves during this journey of caregiving and even in the early times of our loss and grief.  As we try to live in this different life, we need to find ways of living not just existing.  I have tried many ways in the past five years.  Some worked well and others confirmed what I did not want to do.

It is difficult to focus on caring for yourself after the death of a loved one.  Guilt enters our thoughts, and we cannot imagine moving forward in our lives so why take care of ourselves.  As we become more aware of reality that this is now our lives, and the exhaustion of grief lifts some, we need to find ways of caring for ourselves.  For me, prayer and trying to be present with God in the moments of life was the beginning of healing and hope on my grief journey.  It is taking deep breaths – breathing in God’s Spirit and out our negativism and hurt.  Some days it is just focusing on moments of beauty in nature – the sunshine, the sky, the trees, the birds.  It is recognizing God’s creation around us and breathing in the air.

God reveals Himself in these moments.  We are not alone in our grief and loss.  Joy and sorrow mingle together in grief.  Find moments to laugh even in your grief – laugh with someone, watch a movie, read the comics, remember a funny moment with your loved one.  Laughter brings healing and hope to our souls.  Also, cry and release the emotions inside of you.  Tears are a cleansing of the soul.  Live in moments.  Focusing too far into the future brings anxiety and staying in the past fuels our depression.  Be present.

Because God has been with me on the journey and continues to give to me the gift of caring for others, God calls me to share with you and others what God has revealed to me.  My hope is that it will be of help and support to you on your journey down this different path and someday you will take the hand of another who is behind you and help them walk the path as you share where you have been and where you are going.

Surrounded In Loneliness

“If one falls down, the other can help him up.  But it is bad for the person who is alone and falls, because no one is there to help.  If two lie down together, they will be warm, but a person alone will not be warm.”                             Ecclesiastes 4:10-11

As I looked at each face, my heart saw their grief and pain from the journey of loss.  I had walked with several of them as they opened the hurt of grief and began to face the reality of their new life.  I was leading a seminar on grief and our topic was “Loneliness and Change.”  As I spoke the title, I realized almost everything on the grief journey fits into these two words.  Life is forever changed, and the journey reveals change after change.  As we face the emotions and feel the depth of grief, it is loneliness that hurts our soul.  We forever feel the loneliness of never being with our loved one and feeling the hug of our loved one.  We are alone.

Being alone. Sometimes in life, we crave the rare chance to be alone and enjoy quiet.  It sounds so inviting to slow down and just enjoy whatever we want to do.  We long for these moments when life is hectic, and we just need to step away from those close to us.  But we know we can surround ourselves again with those we love whenever we choose.  They will be waiting for us.  It is when our lives completely change and life is turned upside down and we are alone, that the fear of loneliness creeps into our soul.

To feel alone even when we are surrounded by people is part of the grief journey, too.  We may be involved with friends and participate in the daily life of family but feel alone because our special person is no longer with us.  The person who made life meaningful, who gave us hope and filled our days with love.  We complete tasks, help others, work, exist in the dailyness of life but have an emptiness inside.  When we are in public and around others at church or work, we put on a good face that shows we are moving forward and making it on our own.  We even try to fool ourselves, but when we enter our own space, we feel the immense weight that our loved one is gone, and our heart feels the ache of being totally alone.

Our faith reminds us that God is always with us.  Jesus promised his disciples that he would be with them always. God tells us that no matter where we go, He will be there, but the feelings of the intense longing for our loved ones makes us feel so utterly alone.  In my grief journey, I have focused on being alone with God.  God is with me even when I do not feel His presence.  But some days that was not enough.  I just longed to be loved by my special human.  As I have journeyed down the road of grief, I have treasured these alone moments with God.  When I run or when I just sit and be quiet with God, it is in these moments God hugs my heart with His love and assures me I am never alone.  These moments have been times of honesty, growth, and faith.

When we are alone in our thoughts, millions of thoughts flood our mind clamoring to be heard.  Our thoughts can bring depression and anxiety as we worry and fret over the past and future and feel the loss of hope and meaning in our lives.  This loneliness brings despair and fear.  Who am I now?  Is this how life will always be?  We recognize the change and know life will never be the same.  When we ride this merry-go-round, we feel the intensity of being alone in relationships and even within our own family.  Loneliness is the desire for life to go back to a time and place when one was surrounded with love, joy and people who gave hope and meaning to life.

In our grief, we need to recognize these feelings, allow ourselves to feel them, and in time find healthy ways to live in this different life.  We build or strengthen this alone time with God where faith and dependency on God grows and matures.  We begin to long for quiet time with God – to be still and quiet before God.  Oh, this takes time, and it becomes what we strive for in life.  Our view of life changes in grief.  Surround yourself with those who understand the journey not those who deny your feelings and emotions.  Being alone means you are never alone because God is with you.  Step away from the world of chaos and turmoil and surround yourself with God’s alone time.  Allow grief to change you.