The Judgment of Grief
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“Then Job replied, “I have heard all this before. What miserable comforters all of you are.” Job 16:1-2
We live in a world of judgment, criticism, and comparison. When someone is unwilling to listen and understand another person’s perspective, they place a judgment on another. This occurs in politics, in the church, in the education field, and even in grief. Yes, even in grief. Many of us have experienced the judgment of grief usually from people we know.
Comparison grief – “my grief is worse than yours.” Or “you can’t be grieving that much; you were only married a short time.” Critical grief – “Why are you still crying? It’s time to get over it and move on.” Judgmental grief – “You should be doing something with your life instead of being sad all the time.” Oh, all of you who are grieving could add to this list of hurt and pain inflicted by family and so-called friends who say they have your best interest in mind. It is just that they do not understand grief and how grief is not something you get over but is now a part of who you are and will always be.
Some people make this judgment because they do not want to face and deal with their own emotions brought on by grief and would prefer living in denial of death and their own mortality. They may not have experienced the depth of love and it does not make sense how a person could grieve and miss another human being. They want to live in their own little world and pretend grief will never affect them, and therefore, prefer not facing grief.
Other’s place a judgment that you are not grieving enough or in what they regard as appropriate. You may have gone back to work right away after the death of your loved one, not because you were not grieving but because you needed to stay busy or have something in your life that had not drastically changed. You may not outwardly show your emotions, and others place a judgment that you do not cry or are not sad outwardly, therefore, you must not be grieving.
The other part of judgment in grief comes from our own self-judgment. We tell ourselves, “I should be better by now.” “I should be able to function.” I should not be crying still.” And the list goes on and on of the “should” and “should nots.” We need to rid our grief of these negative statements. However you feel is ok and a part of the grief journey. When we force ourselves to move quicker through the healing of grief, we cause more pain and heartache. We need to release the self-inflicted judgment and give ourselves permission to walk the grief journey in whatever is right for each of us.
In our grief, we feel life goes on for everyone else around us. We wonder how they can go forward when our life has stopped and has totally changed. We place a judgment on family and friends for continuing to function normally in life when we are barely existing from day to day. The last thing we want in our grief is judgment. We need comfort and support and acceptance.
Job experienced the judgment of his friends instead of comfort and mercy. God is our comfort. God loves us no matter how we feel, no matter what we are going through. God does not judge us and tell us to get over it. God does not deny our grief and sadness but walks with us and even carries us in the pain and heartache. We need to begin to accept that people in our circle of relationships may never understand our grief. It is seeking out others who allow us to continue on this path of grief. Stop judging yourself and thinking you should be at a different point in your grief. Accept where you are and allow yourself to slowly heal and take steps with the grief.
