The Settling of The Soul

“As the deer pants for water so I long for you, O God, I thirst for God the living God.”  Psalm 42:1-2

My soul is restless, and I have a longing deep within me.  It is a thirst that cannot be quenched with water or objects of this world.  My desire is not fulfilled by possessions, pleasures, or people.  As I reclined in the sunshine, my body absorbed the warmth, and it brought a calmness to my soul.  My physical body needs the vitamin D from the sun, but my soul needed the warmth and rest the sun generously provided.  My soul tends to give to others but needs to be replenished more often than I choose.  God’s Word through Scripture and Hymns replenishes my heart and commitment to Jesus.  The inner soul – the part that nobody but Jesus knows – is the most difficult to refresh and renew.  It remains mostly unsettled in this world.  The brokenness of this world and of myself creates this difficulty to settle.

It is OK to be broken.  God only heals the broken.  If we never felt pain, hurt, heartache, we would not know what it means to feel the deepest emotions and also the closest to Jesus.  We need to surrender our power and façade that we are perfect and can handle any situation in life.  In the settling of my soul, I have had to admit to myself all that God has forgiven in me.  I am a sinner saved by grace, not better or worse than others.  In the eyes of God, I am God’s child.

In this restlessness, I am coming to understand more about whose I am.  Each morning when I run, I reach out and take the Father’s hand with my left hand and Jesus’ hand with my right hand.  I know God holds me with His right hand and leads and directs my path.  God has carried me in my grief and given me His comfort and peace. In my current restlessness, I have begun to hold close to Jesus and my daily conversation in my heart is with Jesus.  The settling of my soul has become gradual but in it I have realized my need for external validation is fading dramatically.  It does not matter what other people think about my decisions and views, all that matters is how Jesus sees me.  It is not that I do not care about people, I care even more because my need for their validation and praise is no longer a part of the relationship.

In grief, nothing seems to settle the soul.  We are restless within and long for our loved one.  It is not just wanting them physically with us, but recognizing how they bring calmness, security, and the assurance that we are not alone.  In my grief, I recognized nobody in this world brought to me a settling within me.  While I love my family and friends, they could not meet a need that I could not even explain or name.  I did not need their approval, and while I cared about them, they were not enough to fill the void in my soul.

My longing is for someone to touch my soul.  In my grief, only Jesus can reach deep within me and understand and just be present with me.  Jesus does not take away the emotions and heartache, but Jesus holds me in these feelings and accepts me in my brokenness.  I have nothing to prove and there is no need to pretend I am doing great.  Jesus looks deep in my soul and loves me because I am His and Jesus loves me.  I am focusing on being present with Jesus and sharing thoughts, feelings, and stories with Him instead of those around me.  Jesus understands, and I am beginning to smile within my soul as I listen to others because I have a story to share but I share it with Jesus.  My soul is settling.