No Resolution

“Then Jesus…. prayed, “My father, if it is not possible for this painful thing to be taken from me, and if I must do it, I pray that what you want will be done.”    Matthew 26:42

Before the beginning of each new year, I have in the past written resolutions, goals, plans and dreams.  Most of them were measurable like reading a book a month, exercising, cleaning out clutter, making visits, writing, and the list goes on and on.  After my husband, Dave, died in 2015, I wrote a list for 2016.  I reviewed this list recently and wondered now how I thought I could accomplish all the goals and plans with my grief causing me to have no focus or decision-making ability.   Each year the list had similar goals, but I have come to recognize the plans and dreams have become less measurable and more spiritual and relational.  While I accomplished giving away most of my stuff and eliminating clutter, my view of life had changed because of the loneliness and pain of my grief.

“People may make plans in their minds, but the Lord decides what they will do.”  Proverbs 16:9

2020 revealed to us that we can make plans, set goals, and have dreams, but life can take a detour. Nobody anticipated the drastic changes that occurred in 2020 and that life as we knew it would literally be shut down. To me, 2020 expressed what grief does to our lives. It changes everything we had hoped and dreamed and leaves us confused and unable to focus on figuring out how to live in this different life. We can make plans. I remember making those plans in 2015 as Dave and I began planning to downsize and travel. Then the diagnosis came but we were hopeful and continued to make plans, but God knew the outcome and plans changed. Grief was the focus not the plans and dreams.

This year I have not written any resolutions, goals, plans, or dreams for 2021.  I am praying as Jesus prayed, “Not my will, but God’s will.”  The pain of grief will not be taken away from any of us.  We will take grief into each year and will begin to figure out how to live with it.  Grief permeates every aspect of our lives.  Grief is part of our foundation in life, part of our purpose.  That has been difficult for me to accept and to share with others.  Pain and death on the cross was the purpose for Jesus’ life.  He was born so that He would die as the perfect sacrifice for our sins.

Grief has changed us.  We look at the world through different lenses now.  I have found that my focus no longer is on long range goals and dreams, but on ways I can live in the present moment.  Tomorrow is not promised, but we have today, this moment.  How are we living close to Jesus in these moments?  Productivity is rarely a part of the grief journey.  Survival is the focus the first year or so, and then we begin to figure out how we live with the grief.  It is OK not to make plans, goals, and resolutions.  It is trusting and depending on God, not ourselves.  It is not living in busyness and how the world sees life.  Enjoy moments and make memories. 

Grief and 2020 has changed us, therefore, we need to change how we begin a new year and how we live.  So for 2021, I am going to get up every morning, breath in God’s Spirit and surrender each day to God.  I am praying for God’s will, not mine.  Grief revealed to me that it is all about God.  For God never left me in my grief but is beside me giving me comfort and His peace.  Live in today.  My word for 2021 is “Surrender.”