The Atrophy of Grief

“Lord, have mercy, because I am in misery.  My eyes are weak from so much crying, and my whole being is tired from grief.”   Psalm 31:9

The pastor used the word “atrophy” in his sermon and my mind remembered when I first heard this word.  I was on staff of a church and one of the pastors had been diagnosed with ALS (Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis).  In the disease the muscles eventually atrophy, that is, the nerve cells break down which reduces the function of the muscles.  The muscles become weak and begin to waste away.  I watched Judy’s muscles waste away as the disease progressed and eventually took her life.  Atrophy is a wasting away, a gradual decline in effectiveness or vigor, to diminish, or a decline in development.

Grief has an aspect of atrophy.  When we experience loss, it feels like our physical body is breaking down, and we barely function in life.  Nothing feels normal, and we feel ineffective to deal with the day-to-day routine of life.  It feels like we are wasting away without a desire to be active.  We are weak due to the emptiness and loss of the one we love.  Physically we may go through the motions, but emotionally and mentally the atrophy has taken over. 

We may feel “stuck” in our feelings and in the grief and loss.  It may seem this is how life will always be without meaning and purpose because the grief is so overwhelming.  We take on the guilt and responsibility of the loss, or we cannot imagine figuring out how to live with the hole that is permanently in our heart.  Our thoughts seem all jumbled inside our head, and the numbness of our emotions overflow into our physical body.  We feel numb to life, numb to emotions, and numb to any hope of being able to function naturally again in life.

Weak.  We feel weak because of the physical drain upon our body through all the events and the roller coaster of emotions.  We also feel weak that we are not able to pull ourselves together and function.  We think we should be stronger and be able to push through all of it.  We make it out of bed but taking a shower seems like way too much work.  And if we do make it to take a shower and get dressed, we wonder why we bothered because it did not make life any better to face. 

Some of you have some distance from these raw emotions and have begun to strengthen your ability to function and have begun to live in the moments of life.  Some of you are right in these emotions and the atrophy of grief has a grasp upon you.  Give yourself permission not to fight these emotions but to experience them for moments and then distract yourself.  Our bodies can only deal with the intensity of grief in moments.  We become weak from our crying and tired from the heavy load.  Tears cleanse the soul while sleep gives us some moments of relief and healing.

Our soul and body also atrophy when we are not in communion with God.  When we rely only on our human frailty, the grief consumes us.  It is when we cry out to the Lord for mercy like the Psalmist did and allow God to be our strength that God will carry us when we have nothing left within us.  Through my grief, I have learned that I am not strong on my own, and I need to depend on God.  It is not a sign of weakness or weak faith, but a trust that will sustain me as I walk the journey.  I have had to be still and heal and accept that life will never return to normal.  It will be different.  I am different, and I will never be who I was.  That is OK, because I am becoming who I am with God’s strength.