Release The Darkness

“In the past you were full of darkness, but now you are full of light in the Lord.  So live like children who belong to the light.”  Ephesians 5:8

She had accepted that her husband was now in Heaven.  She had released him to live with God.  That chapter of her life was complete.  The memories and the influence remained in her heart and the love continued.  So why was there still a feeling of darkness around her?

Darkness is associated with the unknown, with fear, with evil, with being unable to find one’s way.  It is the absence of light.  Darkness is also a way to express our feelings of gloom and despair.  Spiritually, darkness expresses our separation from God and our hopelessness.

The darkness of loss is filled with our feelings of being lonely, lost, and not knowing how to find ourselves and the light of this different life.  When the darkness of grief begins to lighten and the intensity is not so overwhelming, we begin to look at who are we now?  That is when the darkness of our souls and self seems to invade the progress toward light and life. 

The darkness is present because we may never have known who we really were in any relationship.  We became what the situation needed or what others expected.  When we look deep inside ourselves, all we see is darkness because we have not defined ourselves in the light of Jesus yet.  Oh, others may see us as light and joy, but inwardly we are lost and dark and so unsure of how to maneuver on the path toward light and life.

Anxiety, worry, depression, guilt, shame, sin, and so much more fuel the darkness and the belief that this is who we really are, and we will remain in this sadness and darkness forever.  Yes, these feelings are real and intense and describe where we have been and how we have felt.  But when we focus only on the darkness of our souls, we miss the light.  We cannot deny this part of life, but it is not all there is to life.

We need to change our focus.  Darkness is present in this world.  It always will be, but there is also light which reflects hope, joy, peace, life, different, change.  It is all there.  Yes, it is hard.  Yes, we will still miss our loved one,  Yes, we will need to keep choosing each day to turn toward the light and be intentional in choosing to live.  We need to let go of the familiar and the comfort of the darkness.  We do not want to be comfortable in the darkness, but it is so familiar but so lonely and empty.  Release trying to live in the past – that is where the darkness dwells.  Release to be set free from the confinement of the pain and hurt.  It will consume if you let it.  It will always be waiting for you in the darkness.

Release is not forgetting.  It is allowing life to continue on a different path.  It is choosing to forgive, to heal, to live despite the loss and pain and change.  It is choosing not to live in the disappointments of life.  I have been learning to choose to follow the light and live in the present.  To truly experience life and find the good.  I have felt the hurt and disenchantments of life but have not allowed them to pull me so deep into the darkness that I could not see the light of Jesus reach out to me.

It is living as children who belong to the light.  You may not feel the joy and peace but you are choosing to begin to walk toward the peace and joy that Jesus gives.  It is opening yourself to the possibility of being filled with Jesus who not only brings hope and light but also lightens your burdens and load.  He offers to carry you through and hold your hand into the light of life each day.

Safe Place

“Those who go to God Most High for safety will be protected by the Almighty.  I will say to the Lord, “You are my place of safety and protection.  You are my God and I trust you.” Psalm 91:1-2

Her safe place was her home, so she thought.  When she needed to retreat because of a conflict and feeling hurt, she hurried home, but it did not feel safe anymore.  Her husband had died, and she realized it was not her home but her husband who made her feel safe and secure.

That feeling of being safe and secure is allusive in our world today with mass shootings, storms, and conflicts.  We lock our doors.  We have locked safes in our homes for our valuables.  We lock our cars, our offices, and our bikes.  We have codes and passwords on our accounts and computers.  We have security systems and virus protections.  We desire to feel safe and secure with our finances, our possessions, and our families.  We want to feel emotionally secure, too, but we may feel emotionally attacked and do not want to risk getting hurt again. 

I know when my dog, Annie feels safe and secure.  She lays down and rolls over to have her belly rubbed and soon falls asleep.  As long as she is being touched, she feels secure.  She trusts me that I will protect her from hurt and harm.  For several years, Annie was my security.  She was with me constantly after my husband died.  I relied on her for companionship but also to be with me when I felt alone.  What does it mean to feel safe and secure?  It is to be protected from danger.  To be secure means to be attached to something firmly.  To be fastened to, connected, anchored.  My dog is attached to me, and I am to her.

As you experience life and take steps to live into the life you now have, you desire a safe place to share your feelings, emotions, and struggles that is free from judgment and expectations.  Your spouse may have been that safe person with whom you vented and shared your inner most expressions.  You may have a trusted friend or counselor whom you share the inner part of yourself that is hidden from others.

As a counselor, I have tried to create a safe place without judgment to process feelings, emotions, and the struggles of life.  It is the Holy Spirit through me that discerns, listens, and challenges.  People unintentionally though hurt others.  We misunderstand and have expectations that are not met.  We disappoint each other and break trust.  Our safety net and security is destroyed.  We feel alone and vulnerable without protection as we attempt to live into this new and different life.

When everything on the outside feels unsafe and I feel no protection or security around me, I turn inward and anchor myself in the One who is always there – Jesus.  My safe place is not found in any earthly relationship or place.  It is only in God.  My safe place is in my heart where Jesus’ Spirit dwells.  It has taken time for me to get to this place on the journey of life.  But loss and disappointments have made me aware that the connection that never changes is Jesus.  When life becomes overwhelming and people disappoint, I have had to find peace and protection in Jesus.  I turn to the only safe place which is my own heart.  I just sit with Jesus and He holds my hand.  I do not have to do anything but just be in His presence.  I begin to release the outward pressures to perform and achieve and control because none of that feels safe anymore.  Security is found in being in God’s presence and living in the moment with Him.  It is letting go and breathing in the peace and presence of God.  Try it!

The Conundrum of Life

“And when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left, your ears shall hear a word behind you saying, “This is the way; walk in it.”                             Isaiah 30:21 (RSV)

Recently I talked with a widow who wondered when she would know who she is in this different life.  She wanted to live this life, but she had no idea who she was and how to figure out life.  She was in a conundrum.

A conundrum is a confusing and difficult problem or question.  It leaves a person in a quandary or dilemma not knowing what to do in a situation or how to answer the puzzle.  It feels like you do not know what choice or decision to make.  We have all experienced this at some time in our lives.  We are confused about what to do.  We do not know the right way to go.  We feel the weight of making a decision. 

We desire something different, but we get into a rut in our daily lives.  It can be in our work, our marriage, our family relationships, or our daily routine.  We tell ourselves that we need to change, but the daily rut becomes too familiar and comfortable.  It is a struggle.  How do we choose to take steps out of this rut?  If we do, then what?  It is unfamiliar, and we say to ourselves, “What if I mess up and it does not work out?”  We are afraid of failure so we do not try, or we know we will not be good enough so we do nothing.

These thoughts and feelings are real and are defeating.  They keep us from even starting on a new path.  The conundrum of life bases everything on our own strength, determination, and abilities.  When we focus on our failures of the past – our track record – we are already defeated.  We have tried and messed up on other attempts so why will this time be different? So we go back to our rut thinking it is an okay routine.

Routine can be good if it is healthy.  I have a morning routine.  I get up around the same time, do my morning stretches, walk my dog, Annie, then run three and a half miles, lift my weights, drink my protein shake, and spend time with God in my morning devotions.  I am caring for my body, God’s temple, during this routine.  I pray as I run releasing my emotions and feelings, and my devotional time brings hope to my mind and spirit.  I humbly share this with you to affirm routines can be healthy.  A rut is not healthy – it is a place where you are stuck.  A rut is a habit or pattern that has become dull and unproductive.  It feels like a dead end.

So how do you get out of your rut, know what direction to go and figure out who you are now?  How do you answer the conundrum of your life?  Good question.  I cannot give a specific answer for your life, but I know who can. The Holy Spirit.  The Holy Spirit is the Spirit of Jesus that lives within you when you receive Jesus as your Lord and Savior.  The Holy Spirit is our Helper, Counselor, Guide, and Advocate.  The Spirit’s purpose is to give to you power and to energize you.  The Spirit comes beside you to teach and guide you.  The Spirit carries the burdens of life you were not intended to carry. 

Some of the reason for our ruts is that we still see ourselves as the one who messed up and does not deserve another chance and a good life with meaning and purpose.  Our worry and anxiety keep us stuck and in a quandary.  We worry about what could happen and fear the future.  We cannot calm our inner fears and worries.  This weakens us, makes us feel overwhelmed, tense and afraid to change and find out who we really are now.  We define ourselves based on our anxiety, fear, worry, and “stuckness.”

The answer is the calming peace of the Holy Spirit.  The Spirit lives in our hearts.  We need to release the power of the Spirit.  The Spirit can bring calmness and peace within us.  Our circumstances may not change, but our outlook and attitude will because it is the Spirit working through us not our own weariness.  The Spirit is gentle and sweet.  This reminds me of the song – “Sweet, Sweet Spirit” –

“There’s a sweet, sweet Spirit in this place

And I know that it’s the Spirit of the Lord.” 

When we do not know who we are or which direction to go, consult the Spirit.  It is like a maternal tenderness like my mom.  This past week would have been my mom’s birthday.  I saved the letters she wrote to me while I was in college and serving my first churches before we started calling each day.  In these letters are words of tenderness and support, guidance, and direction along with the family news.  There was a sweet Spirit in my mom. 

The Holy Spirit will soothe our anxious thoughts and give us peace.  The Spirit also gives us power, guidance, and reminds us we are chosen and loved.  When you have a conundrum in life and do not know what to do, turn to the Holy Spirit that is within you.  First worship and then listen and then follow.

"Get Used To Different"

“Sitting down, Jesus called the Twelve and said, “If anyone wants to be first, he must be the very last, and the servant of all.”   Mark 9:35 NIV

I have been watching on TV the series of “The Chosen” which brings alive the Gospels and how Jesus chose his twelve disciples and lived his ministry here on earth.  In one of the episodes, Peter says, “that was different.”  Jesus responds, “Get used to different.”

We tend to develop routines which are good to keep us structured and organized.  We frequent the same stores and restaurants though sometimes venturing out to try something a friend recommends.  We wear the same clothes because they feel comfortable.  Over the past years of the COVID pandemic, some have kept to their small family group and stayed more at home.  It has become familiar and comfortable.

But then something happens that shakes our familiar, our routine, our security, our daily normal life.  And life becomes different.  We change.  Life changes.  We are different in how we view the world and cannot grasp how and why life was turned upside down.  Life was good, and now we feel uncertain and question everything.  Life is different and we do not want it to be and desire how life used to be.

So how do we get used to the different because the old life is not coming back?  For me, I had to take the layers off of life and find the core of myself and my anchor.  Everything around me looked and felt different even though others seemed not to recognize it.  How I viewed life, relationships, and priorities became different because of loss.  It felt like my relationship with God was different, too, and it was.  I recognized my dependency was in God alone, and I grew closer to Him.  I was not strong enough to journey alone nor was I made to go alone.  My anchor, my firm foundation was in God who never changes.  When I focused on God, my Father, who loves me and is my safety and security, I began to live in this different life.  I did not embrace it at first but acknowledged this is what I now have.  I am embracing this different life now.

Life will never stay the same because we were designed to change and grow. You do not look or act like you did twenty years ago.  You grow, mature, and change, so why would not your life and relationships change and be different?

This journey of life with Jesus requires us to embrace being different than the world.  In the series, “The Chosen,” Jesus chooses his disciples for their uniqueness and embraces their differences.  Jesus affirms their abilities and assures them they will understand the purpose and mission as they live close to Him.

Your life is different than you expected and planned.  You cannot change the loss and the pain and hurt that comes from it.  It has made you who you are not be choice but because of the events of your life.

I have been on the search for who I am in this different life.  I am getting used to different and embracing it.  I even look for ways to be different and to incorporate different things into my life.  Instead of fighting against the different and trying to maintain the familiar and comfortable, I desire to find the different.  In this quest, the things the world and others say are what I should be doing or worrying about, I am releasing to God.  I am depending more on God not on pleasing others or living in the expectations of others.  It is saying “no” to whatever distracts me from living closer to Jesus.  It is not worrying and being anxious about future events that are out of my control.  It is being present in the moment with Jesus, and it is relying on His Spirit to give me strength, words, direction, and peace.

Life is going to be different.  You can struggle against it trying to maintain an old normal, familiar routine that will never satisfy because there is always an empty space because of loss.  Or you can get used to different and embrace Jesus who walks with you in this different.  When you turn to Jesus, you will find yourself living in this different life.

Listening With The Soul

“For God alone my soul waits in silence, for my hope is from him.  He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress, I shall not be shaken.”  Psalm 62:5-6

I visited a dear couple that were in the church I first served in ministry.  She is currently in a memory care facility, and he visits her twice a day.  The second time, he brings her cookies for her afternoon snack and feeds them to her.  Her eyes were closed as we talked, and he shared stories of their sixty-six years of marriage.  Dementia has taken her voice and body but not her soul.  When the caregivers moved her into her wheelchair, she opened her eyes and looked deep into my eyes.  I could see she was still in her body, and I looked deep into her soul.  She was listening with her soul.

As he shared with me over lunch, I listened to my friend’s heart and soul – a soul that was lonely and hurting for the one he loved.  I listen to his tears, his commitment, and his abiding love for his wife.  He treasured the moments when she looked at him.  The moments she returned a hand squeeze.  The moments where their souls remained connected.

Disease or death may take the body, but love maintains the soul and love never ends.  The soul is what makes a person alive.  It is the essence of the person.  We grieve the loss of touch, presence, and companionship.  Tears express the words of love.  I listened to the sweetness of my friend’s tears as he talked of their life together and their enduring love.  I hugged my friend who was like a dad to me when I began my ministry.  I felt his sorrow, but I also experienced the joy of a life well lived and shared together.  He loved when life was tough and that is commitment.

As I reflected on my visit with my dear friends, a song came into my heart – “Turn Your Eyes upon Jesus.”  Here is the first verse and chorus –

O soul are you weary and troubled

No light in the darkness you see

There’s light for a look at the Savior

And life more abundant and free 

Turn your eyes upon Jesus

Look full in his wonderful face

And the things of earth will grow strangely dim

In the light of his glory and grace 

When we listen to the world, the news, social media, negative people and our own sadness, our souls are weary and troubled. The darkness is consuming.  Our souls are exhausted from attempting to do everything that is expected and even necessary.  When the focus is on all the work and tasks of life the burden is intense.  We are focusing on the world, the hurt, the sadness, the overwhelming work, and it feels like we have to do it all alone.  Life feels impossible.

That is when we need to turn to Jesus.  Look full into the face of Jesus.  What we thought was insurmountable, the light of Jesus makes everything pale in comparison.  When my friend’s wife looked full into his face, the disease of dementia was gone for a moment and all that was present was love.

When we turn our eyes to Jesus our souls find peace in His presence.  We need to live more in these moments.  Keep turning toward Jesus.  When the world and the sorrow of life overwhelm, turn to Jesus.  When it seems impossible to live in this different life, turn to Jesus.  When you are searching for hope and purpose, turn first to Jesus.  “Look full in his wonderful face.  And the things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of his glory and grace.”

Essence of Me

“God decided to let his people know this rich and glorious secret which he has for all people.  This secret is Christ himself who is in you.  He is our only hope for glory.”   Colossians 1:27 NCV

Recently I was looking through some old pictures and scrapbooks.  Yes, they are filled with memories of the past, but this time I looked at myself in those pictures.  Who was I in each picture?  Yes, physically I have matured and changed, but the essence of me is still the same.  Who was I in relationship with family and friends in those photos?  I looked into my eyes and tried to remember me.

Essence is the nature and quality of something.  It is our soul or spirit, the center of who we are.  We mature and grow over the years and life situations affect us and change our outlook and perspective on life, but the core of who we are was created by God.  I believe we do not fully develop this inner being until we are seasoned by life, heartaches, challenges, and spiritual growth.  It takes time.

As we walk through the journey of grief and loss, one of the most difficult aspects is figuring out who we are now.  No matter the loss, we have been changed because of it.  How we define ourselves and how we interact with others feels unsettled and no longer normal or comfortable.  The essence has been affected by the pain and emptiness of life, and we do not recognize who we are.

You may have lost yourself years ago as you became a people pleaser.  You started out caring for others and their needs, but your worth got wrapped up in how others viewed you.  You avoided conflict to please others then developed the need to be validated by them.  But you lost yourself, the essence of you, and became what others wanted you to be.  Your worth was seen in the acceptance of others at the expense of yourself.  You are exhausted because you have not been who you were created to be.  Allowing others not God to define you leaves you empty and weary.

In this new year, let’s try a different path.  God is the one who created you.  You are His child.  God sees you as loved, forgiven, special, having worth and value because we are His children.  You are enough just being you.  The Spirit of Jesus, the Holy Spirit, dwells within you.  That is the secret.

Some of you may feel you lost your value, worth and purpose when your loved one died.  You feel lost.  You are more than the relationship.  It helped to add to the quality of your life and build on your foundation of life.  The essence of who you are is still in you.  You take yourself – who you are - with you throughout all of life.  You have been lost, forgotten, loved, misunderstood, valued, challenged, not good enough, trusted and a mix of so much more.

As you walk into this new year, take who you are with you, not who others expect or who you think others want you to be.  Be bold.  Be you.  Don’t know who you are now?  The first step into finding who you are is to ground yourself into the essence – the natural quality – of yourself.  This is found in God’s love and grace which is given to you through the Holy Spirit.  The Spirit does all the work.  We just surrender to his working in our soul.  You are loved by God who created you.  Your value and worth is in God’s love not how other people view you.

Everywhere you go, you take yourself with you.  Start enjoying your own company.  Start taking opportunities to live in the moments in front of you.  Start accepting yourself for who you are.   Give yourself permission to step into life for moments at a time.  Forgive yourself.  Love who you are now and who you are becoming.  You cannot change the past. It has helped to define you.  You get a choice of who you are now in the present and future.  Let go of pleasing others and be free of the exhaustion it has created.  Choose to step into the essence of who you are. 

Walking Into

“For you have delivered me from death and my feet from stumbling, that I may walk before God in the light of life.”    Psalm 56:13

Through the snow and cold, I continued to walk my dog every day.  I bundled up as much as I could and braved the wind, snow, and bitter cold. The weather did not bother my dog, Annie at all.  It was when I turned into the direction of the wind, that the sharp wind took my breath away for a moment and my dog’s ears looked like she was flying.  It was difficult to keep walking into the wind, but I knew I would turn around soon and be able to push through the walk each day.  Now the weather has warmed up and the snow and ice are melting, and it is easier to walk without the layers of clothing.  When the sun comes out, it feels warm and refreshing to take our walks.

Life is like my walks.  As the journey of grief and change begins, the bitter cold of the pain and sadness is felt.  It feels like we are trudging into the wind of life.  Nothing is easy, and it feels so cold, empty, and alone.  The weight of grief is like the layers of clothing, and it is so difficult to drag oneself through each moment.  The steps are heavy, and the exhaustion is felt in the harsh conditions of grief.  It feels like this will never end and there is no relief in sight.

Some of you are walking right into the strong winds of pain, sorrow, and loss.  It is so fresh and hits you in the face each morning you awake.  You feel overwhelmed and exhausted and just want to give up.  Keep trudging.  You are not alone.  It feels like you are barely moving and all alone.  God is holding your hand and when you fall, and you will, God will be right beside you to pick you up and even carry you.  You will never walk alone.

Some of you have been walking through the grief and while you will never forget, you do not want to keep trudging in the pain.  It is okay to go through it and walk into life.  You can turn in a different direction and focus on being grateful and thankful for the life you had and the love that remains a part of who you are.  You know you cannot live in the past and change what has happened.  You desire to walk into this different life and not carry the heavy weight of the past.

As we reflect on this past year, I am reflecting on where we have journeyed in these blogs.  The challenge was to process through the feelings and the grief.  We recognized the commotion in our soul as we sort out feelings and this different life.  Taking the step of releasing our loved one to live in Heaven so we can live here on earth required us to trust even in our darkness.  In attempting to change our focus we have felt discombobulated as we traipse through the grief with a hope of a different life.  We have needed to just rest and be present in the moments.

Your desire is to live.  Life is so different.  It is the life you now have.  So how do you walk into life even when you do not know how?  I believe it is consistently trusting Jesus.  Jesus is with you.  God loves you.  You are not alone even when you feel alone.  Trust is an assured reliance.  It is confidence and dependence on God.  It is faith and hope and doubt and fear and love all mixed together.   It is taking a step in the darkness and having a hope of a hope that God’s light will be revealed.  It is walking into life not just going around in circles.  It is living in the present and in the moment. In this new year, walk into your life.  Be consistent in trusting Jesus to walk with you and walk you through. 

“So I will walk with the Lord in the land of the living.”   Psalm 11:9

Light Forward

“Before those people lived in darkness, but now they have seen a great light.  They lived in a dark land, but a light has shined on them.”   Isaiah 9:2

The season of Christmas is filled with lights – lights on the Christmas tree, outdoor lights of various colors and designs, light shows, candlelight, the candles of the Advent Wreath, and just the basic house lights.  Darkness comes earlier in the winter with less sunlight to gives us warmth and hope, so we turn on more lights in our homes.  Currently, I have the gas fireplace and the candles on the table lit to shine more light and warmth in the house.  The Christmas tree lights twinkle in the cold that surrounds it outside.  We need light.  Jesus comes into the world as the light of the world to shine in the darkness of our sin and sorrow.

The name Jesus means “Savior.”  Jesus came as “Emmanuel” meaning God with us.  Jesus came to bring light into the darkness of our world, our lives, and our hearts.  When I looked up the meaning of my own name, Elaine, it means light or shining light. My middle name – Janice – means God has been gracious or a gift from God.  The light of life is a gift from God.  I like the word “light” because it gives me hope.  Light gives guidance and direction.  Light reflects light.

For the past seven years, instead of making New Year’s Resolutions, I have chosen a word to be my guide for the year.  In these years, the words selected have been – Good Future, Change, Purpose, Courage, Hope, Surrender, and Different.  These words have guided me on the journey of grief and given me a future and a hope to live with courage in this different life.  Just as I have defined my name, these words have helped me to define the years.  They have kept me focused on how God wants me to grow closer in relationship to Him and to experience living in the present in God’s presence.

As I began to pray about my word for 2023, the word light kept appearing in Scriptures and in conversations with clients.  My Sunday morning group is called “Light In the Darkness.”  Darkness signifies sorrow and sadness and lack of hope.  We have experienced life in these terms feeling darkness is all around us and hope feels so unattainable.  We desire light and hope, but it seems impossible to find the switch to turn on the light to our life and soul.  Just as the moon reflects the light of the sun and does not have its own light, we reflect the light of Jesus.  We cannot produce light on our own.  Sometimes we try to fake it, but the emptiness inside only allows us to sustain it for a short time.   Our soul is empty and that is what sustains the light of Jesus in our lives.

So when we feel empty, exhausted and overwhelmed (which is most of us after Christmas), we need to be recharged just like a battery in a car.  We need to be hooked up to a charger so that our light will again shine.  The charger is Jesus himself.  He broke through from Heaven to come to earth to be like us so that we can become like Him.  Jesus is the light of the world.  He is the light of our souls. In order to be filled with His light, we need to be more intentional of being in the presence of Jesus daily and stopping to take God’s hand to walk us through each situation.

In this new year, I want to wait for God’s light to shine instead of rushing ahead in the darkness.  I want to look for God’s light in each day.  Today, as I walked my dog in the early morning, God shined His light in the gorgeous sunrise.  I paused to take in the light and to thank God for revealing Himself in the morning light.

I challenge each of you to go toward the light of God’s love and presence this coming year.  In those times of darkness, trust that God is still with you guiding you toward the light – have a hope of a hope.  As you see light and hope in moments, allow the light to fill you and re-charge you.  Remember, it takes time to charge a battery, so it will take time being in God’s light and presence to recharge the emptiness of your soul.  And when we begin to fill up with light, we can share that light with others on the journey.

Light Forward!

Transforming The Ordinary

“And she gave birth to her first born son and wrapped him in swaddling cloths and laid him in a manger, because there was no place for them in the inn.”    Luke 2:7

This past week, I drove through the Fantasy of Lights in my hometown.  The ordinary park was transformed into a magical display of lights that created a fantasy world of wonder.  The spirit of Christmas was expressed by bringing light into the darkness and in the stories created by the sponsors of each display.  The ordinary, everyday places in the park took on a different meaning and purpose.  The red shelter house where my family usually gathers for family dinners was transformed into a gingerbread house.  The round shelter house became a carrousel ride with lights.  The outdoor theatre became the perfect barn for the nativity story.  The swimming pool was filled with lights instead of water.

Ordinary – no special or distinctive features, normal, common, regular, routine.  Life is mainly ordinary.  We develop a routine, and it feels comfortable and normal.  We like the predictable and that things are what they appear to be without any major surprises.  Life never stays this predictable as we know.  We have experienced the unimaginable in our lives.  Nothing feels normal in loss and grief.  Our ordinary and comfortable life is gone, and we feel all mixed up and lost.

Christmas may seem ordinary or least predictable with its many traditions.  This year I have been pondering the Christmas story through this ordinary lens.  It was normal for a baby to be born.  Birth happens in a barn all the time – usually the birth of animals.  I grew up on a farm and regularly witnessed the birth of lambs, calves, puppies, and kittens.  It was common and expected.  Shepherds coming to a barn was not out of the ordinary.  Seeing bright stars in the sky was natural. 

When we look at these normal parts of the Christmas story, we can relate in some way.  Jesus was born naturally like you and me.  Jesus came in an ordinary, humble way so all of us could connect to him.  Jesus was homeless for a period of time, so he did not have more physical possessions than any of us.  Some of the lowest of society, the shepherds, came to see him.  Jesus was born simply and humbly so that none of us would feel a disconnection with him or feel that he could not understand our life situation.

Then God broke through this ordinary.  God made everything different and transformed the ordinary into extraordinary.  Birth was natural but not from a virgin.  The birth of God himself was unfathomable.  The stable became a place of worship instead of just a place for animals.  God came near.  God humbled himself to become like us so that we could become like Him.  God transformed the ordinary.

God continues to make the ordinary different.  Your ordinary life changed because of loss, but God can take this different life and transform it.  God comes to be with us in this different life.  Jesus was born Emmanuel which means God with us.  Just like the stable was transformed into a place of worship, God can transform our broken hearts into a place of worship.  Mary and Joseph did not expect to have a baby yet nor have their baby to be born in a stable.  You did not expect your ordinary and normal life to change.  So when the unexpected happens, God shows up every time.  God does not make everything normal like it was but different and even extraordinary.

Allow God to come into your ordinary life and transform you.  Allow God to come into your different life and walk beside you.  Allow God to come this Christmas into your heart and give to you the gift of His Son who brings peace and comfort.

This Christmas week may be totally different for you this year.  You may feel like not doing the regular routine of the season.  Give yourself permission to change.  God promises to be with you and to take your different life and walk with you through it.  Christmas is God coming to us wherever we are, however we feel, and transforming our lives.  God is with you.

Returning Spirit

“Her spirit came back into her, and she stood up at once.  Then Jesus ordered that she be given something to eat.”  Luke 8:55

“It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas” were the words of a recent Christmas song on the radio.  What does Christmas look like?  Christmas lights.  Christmas trees.  Shopping.  Decorations.  Some may wish for snow and then it will look like Christmas.  I recently took a drive to look at Christmas lights in the surrounding neighborhoods.  Lots of Christmas lights of all colors, blow up Santas and snowmen, and many Nativity scenes.  The lights were shiny and bright, and for a moment it felt magical.  I will drive through several Christmas light displays in this next week, and in the moment the magic of the lights will bring joy and a “wow” will be spoken.  While all the decorations and lights are beautiful, it does not fill us with the feelings and spirit of Christmas that lasts.

I have heard from many people that they would prefer to skip Christmas this year. It does not feel like Christmas.  When I was in Key West recently, the Christmas decorations were beautiful, but the warm weather and sunshine confused me.  It did not feel like Christmas time.  For some of you, Christmas just heightens your reality of being alone.  Some of you, Christmas reminds you of the chaos of your life and family.  You see the Hallmark Christmas families and your family is so dysfunctional.  You feel alone even when you are surrounded by family.  The emptiness and sadness of your soul spills over into the Christmas season.  It feels like the spirit of Christmas and your own spirit has disappeared, and you feel like an empty shell trying to find something that will fill you with joy and peace.

Spirit – the non-physical part of a person in which the emotions and character or essence reside.  The spirit is the part that never dies.  In Luke 8, a twelve-year-old girl has died, and Jesus brings her back to life.  Her spirit came back to her body.  The spirit had left but did not die with her physical body.  I believe when a person dies, their spirit/soul goes to Heaven and the essence of the person remains in the hearts of those they have loved and influenced.

So when it comes to Christmas, the essence of Jesus, his spirit, is within each of us who believe in him.  Jesus is not only with us but is in us.  His spirit, the Holy Spirit, dwells within each person who has received Christ as their Lord and Savior.

In this journey of life and grief, you may feel like your spirit has died.  You may not feel like celebrating Christmas.  That is, you may not feel like doing all the traditions – the decorating, baking, parties, trees, lights, gifts, and that is OK.  Those are outward expressions of the season, not the essence of Christmas.  It may feel like your spirit has no desire to experience what you have done in the past.  The essence of who you were feels lost.  You are different.  Your priorities and what you like or enjoy are different.

The feeling of Christmas is still in you because Jesus is in you, and Christmas is the Spirit of Jesus.  He will return your spirit when you focus on him not your loss or the outward expression of the season around you.  Take the time to step away from the expectations and lists and allow Jesus to return the essence of you.  It may feel different because you are different.  Life is different, but Jesus is the same.  He still comes each Christmas to those who are open to receiving His Spirit of love and peace.

Making The Connection

“Therefore the Lord himself will give you a sign:  The virgin will give birth to a son, and will call him Immanuel.”   Isaiah 7:14

On a recent flight home from Key West, the plane was delayed at take off for almost an hour.  I knew I would have an extra hour lay over in Charlotte and had planned a leisurely dinner before the last flight of the trip.  Now dinner was cancelled, and I wondered if I could make the connecting flight.  The plane landed in Charlotte, and we had fifteen minutes to run through the airport to the next concourse and get to the gate of our connecting flight.  I mean literally run just like in the movies.  Out of breath we arrived at the gate and were the last people on the flight before the plane doors closed behind us.  We made the connection, and I thanked God for His blessings!

To be connected.  To have a connection.  It is a bond to be linked together, an interdependence.  While on my trip, I was connected to my friend, my cousins.  I felt connected to God in the beauty of the sunsets, the sunshine, the blue sky, and the crystal-clear water.  I felt a bond with those I traveled with because of our mutual interests and experiences we shared.  I also felt a disconnect with those around me who were experiencing things I did not desire.  I was able to define for me what I liked and wanted in my adventures and what I did not need.

Connection is a way to describe relationships.  We connect with others based on common experiences, values, beliefs, and desires and therefore, form deeper relationships within these connections especially when the connections are emotional and spiritual.  A bond forms and we feel more whole and complete because of these connections.  When loss occurs within these connections, we feel an emptiness and turmoil in life.  We are disconnected with our security, our sense of self, our purpose and meaning, and even with other people.

To be disconnected is not always negative.  We live in a society that is constantly connected to social media, phones, TV, electronics, noise, busyness.  While in Key West, I disconnected most of the day to electronics and just enjoyed the now.  I also disconnected to the social life of the town.  I felt this the most while worshipping on Sunday morning and evening near the bustle of activities on main street.

Sometimes we need to disconnect from the expectation of society and others.  Christmas is a time to disconnect from what society has created the season to be and re-connect to Jesus who is the real reason for the season.  We can become consumed by attempting to create the perfect Hallmark Christmas and to please everyone around us.  We may try to re-create the past experiences and connect to the traditions before loss, but they will be different and empty.  It is disconnecting to those expectations and connecting to this different life.

This Christmas make the connection to Jesus.  Your heart will feel the loss and emptiness of life and you will feel like you just want to skip the season of Christmas.  It is OK not to do all the activities and decorating, but do not skip the coming of Jesus.  God is with you.  God comes to you in this season and desires to connect you to His love and comfort.  You may need to run sometimes to make the connection and other times just to rest in His presence.  Quiet your soul, disconnect from the noise of the world, and rest in the presence of Jesus this Christmas.

Grateful Even Though

“Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”   I Thessalonians 5:18

My mom was a positive and grateful person.  She saw the good in people and the blessings of life.  My foundation was built on being thankful to God for the gift of life and faith.  I was firmly anchored in Jesus through the influence and guidance of my mom and my grandma. As I matured, I knew God was real, God loved me even when I messed up and took steps in the wrong direction, and God’s forgiveness was given freely.  I have always been thankful for having a roof over my head and food in my stomach.  I do not take these basics of life for granted but give thanks daily for God’s loving presence and provision. 

I am thankful for family and the continued connection and love we share.  We love and support each other and have the foundation of faith and thankfulness.  I am thankful for the people God has placed on my path of life, and how God has given me opportunities to walk the journey of joy and sorrow with them.  Even though I do not daily interact with these special people, the legacy and love has continued in my life. 

Because of this foundation, when loss and troubles have come into my life, my attitude and outlook while experiencing the sadness, has always been gratefulness.  I was thankful for the experience and what I learned, thankful for the gift of the relationships, the love, the adventure, and the opportunity to live with and through the relationship.  That does not mean I did not feel the pain and hurt, I just knew God was always there and I was anchored – securely attached – to His love and constant presence.

Yes, it is difficult to give thanks in all circumstances.  We are not thankful for the loss of a person, but thankful that they lived and have been a part of our life.  Because of their life, we are who we are and have learned, grown and experienced love.  Even though you have experienced loss and hurt and pain, being grateful can still be a part of your life. Even though your heart has been broken, you can give thanks that you have loved and been loved.  Even though loneliness and emptiness seem to creep into the darkness of the evening, you can be thankful for the memories and the possibilities of this different life.

In this week of Thanksgiving, anchor yourself in your blessings, not your losses.  Being thankful and grateful has more to do with your attitude than your circumstances.  It is how you look at life.  Even though my mom and grandma are living now in Heaven, I give thanks for their continued guidance as I remember and appreciate their life and legacy.

Even though your life may not be what you had hoped or planned, you can be grateful you have life.  There is always something to be thankful for because you have breath and life and hope and Jesus.  When we focus on the past and what could have been and what we have done wrong or the wrong done to us, we miss the blessings in front of us.  When we focus on the future and the worry and anxiety it brings, we forget the present.  God is only with us in the present.  Just today. That is why the future brings such worry and anxiety because we do not see God in it.  Be thankful for today.  This moment.  Look around you and be grateful.  Even though it is not what you planned or hoped for; it is what you currently have so find the blessings in this moment.  You can be sad and still give thanks.

Bench Resting

“You know when I sit down and when I get up.  You know my thoughts before I think them.”  Psalm 139:2

As I looked around my condo, I realized I have several benches – six to be exact.  I like benches.  They seem so simple and inviting to just sit.  They are usually wood so they can accent a room and go with the décor.  Benches are easy to move.  Plus, you can sit close to someone or farther away.  It is your choice.  They are easy to sit on, and you can slide across them.  Benches provide a place to rest and are found in malls, along the street, and especially in parks.  They are a place to rest but not stay and get comfortable.

I walked recently at a park and on the bench part way on the trail sat two older gentlemen leaning on their canes just chatting.  They commented on their need to catch their breath before finishing their walk.  At my hometown county fair, benches are everywhere with most of them having a name plate – given in honor or memory of someone special.  When my mom was living and went to the fair, she always sat on a bench near one of the main buildings and watched people.  Throughout the week, everyone in the family and her friends stopped and rested on the bench with her.  The bench provided a way for others to share a conversation with her.

A bench is a wonderful description of how God wants us to sit and rest with Him.  A bench says, “Do not be in a hurry.  Just sit and rest a while and take in what is all around you.”  My cousin’s dog, Harper, never passes a bench without jumping up on it and sitting down to rest even when my cousin wants to keep walking.  Harper is not moving until she is finished with bench resting.  For some of you this bench resting is where you are now in life.  You are resting either from all your labors or resting in the peace of God’s presence.  This is wonderful.  I am thankful for your rest.

But for others of you, the bench has a different meaning.  You feel benched in life.  It is like being benched on a sports team.  You were playing each game and doing well.  Then you made some mistakes and needed to sit out and refocus yourself.  But maybe it was just the coach’s decision.  You did not do anything wrong.   The coach just had other preferences of who he was going to play in the game.  Either way you were benched.

In life, it feels like sometimes we are benched.  We did not do anything wrong, not a consequence of our actions, it just happened.  Grief and loss and change feels like being benched.  It is like we were enjoying life – being in the game – and then life changed and here we are on the bench not knowing how to function and live and be involved in life.  Everything changed, and we were not prepared, nor did we want the change. 

So wherever you find yourself today, the bench is a necessary resting place and a place of transition.  Slow down your thoughts and the busyness of your schedule and sit for a moment with God.  It is difficult for me to just sit but it is a necessary step in growing closer to God and figuring out life.  The bench is a place to ponder, reflect, and rest.  It is a place to catch your breath.  I believe most benches are made of wood because we were not meant to stay on the bench forever.  It is not a place of comfort where we can stay, but a place to rest and process life.  It is a place to take in the beauty around us, to watch others and reflect about our own relationships.  We will know when it is time to get up.  The bench gets a little hard, and we realize if we do not get up soon, we are going to be too sore or tired to move further down the path to our destination.

So, when you see a bench, sit for a moment, rest with God, and when you are finished with bench resting, take the next step into life.  There will be more benches on the journey.  You can rest on each one.  Take your time.  Begin to enjoy the journey knowing you can rest with God all along the way.

Underbrush of Life

“So we do not lose heart.  Even though our outer nature is wasting away, our inner nature is being renewed day by day.”   2 Corinthians 4:16 RSV

My dog, Annie and I took a walk at a park recently.  The tall trees were bare, and their leaves covered the forest floor.  The underbrush was full of color and radiated in the sunlight.  Because the leaves were gone on the trees, the sunlight could penetrate through them and shine on the plants below.  The underbrush is what is beneath the huge trees and closest to the ground.  It grows first in the Spring and is the last to lose its color in the Fall.

Life has underbrush in many ways.  Sometimes we focus only on the outward appearance – what we can see – and do not look for the beauty and depth underneath.  Sometimes we only focus on the busyness of life not on what is inside our hearts.  We can miss the beauty of the situation or the person when we only have an outward focus, and when we are only looking for outward beauty.

As I thought about underbrush, the word underlying came to mind, too.  Underlying is something implied though not directly expressed.  It lies beneath and is not obvious, but it can be the cause of the issue or situation.  Underlying is asking, “What is causing me to feel this way?”  “Why am I angry, sad, afraid?”  “Why is he acting like that or why is she crying?”  When we have a stomachache, we ask ourselves, “What did I eat that may have upset it?  Or am I worried and upset about something that is affecting my stomach?”  This is how we interpret underlying in our daily lives. It is not something we immediately are aware of but can cause how we are feeling and experiencing life.

The underlying cause of sadness and anxiety may be the loss of the person who brought joy and security to life.  You appear to function outwardly but inwardly hidden in the underbrush, you are overwhelmed and do not know how to take steps into this different life.  You attempt living in the moment but underneath it may feel fake and empty.  When I feel like something is different or I’m not quite myself, I begin to process what is going on inside myself.  I search for what is bothering me, irritating me, what has changed, and what is the cause or root of these different feelings.  It is admitting I feel this way because of this underlying issue or feeling.  It is then talking myself through it with God.

As you think about your life and how you feel, there is something underlying that may be keeping you from finding peace and contentment in what you now have.  You may name it anxiety or fear.  But what is causing this anxiety and fear to flood your thoughts and feelings?  Sometimes with fear it is not wanting to be alone and afraid this is how life will always be.  It may be the loss of your safety and security.  Life did not turn out like you had expected which is the cause of your negativity, fear, or anxiousness.

We tend to go too far out in planning and figuring out what will happen.  The underlying cause of anxiety is focusing too far into the future and trying to fix and plan for every possible scenario.  It is worrying about everything and believing if you worry about it, you can prevent the bad from happening.  This is what is feeding the anxiety and fear.  It is bringing yourself back to the present, looking around you, and finding fulfillment in these moments.  We need to give God the future and try staying more in the present.  It is acknowledging where these feelings come from and releasing their control over to God.

So is there anything under these feelings and thoughts?I believe there is.It is our faith and belief in God.God is always under us, holding us up and preventing us from sinking into hopelessness.It is trusting even when we are afraid, even when we do not feel or sense God’s presence.It is saying, “God you got this, and you got me.I am going to trust you.”

Memories of Thanksgiving

“O give thanks to the Lord, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever.” Psalm 136:1

I had dinner last week with my siblings.  I am thankful that each month we share a meal, and we enjoy being together.  We share our experiences and memories of the past.  I know I am blessed to have siblings, to get along with them, and to want to be connected as a family.  I began to reflect on each one of them and how alike and how different we are.  We share the strong foundation of our Christian faith, the love of family and traditions, our work ethic, and the love of the land.  My two oldest brothers enjoy farming, tractors, and have the ability to fix and build.  My sister has the gift to sew and quilt and is very talented.  My other brother has the gift of gardening and growing the best salad mix!  My siblings have many other gifts, but today I give thanks for these gifts.

As I shared with a grief support group in my hometown, I gave thanks for the memories of living there and the people who were part of my life.  My cousin was at the group, and I was thankful for her family and the memories I have growing up.  While I miss their love and presence, I have moved my focus from missing them to being thankful for the wonderful memories I have of them.  I give thanks for their lives and influence.

When someone comes to my mind, I am learning to thank God for their life.  If they are in Heaven, I pause to say a prayer of thanksgiving and try to remember something special about them.  For instance, I remember Charles and Frances from Cincinnati who always smiled while I preached.  They invited me to dinner and held a special place in my heart.  I remember Marie who was my neighbor in Celina and how she was learning to play the piano in her eighties.  I remember Ruth who adopted me as her granddaughter and was my support in my grief.  I give thanks to God for each of them who are now in Heaven.  When I am thankful for people in my life, I try to send a note or text to let them know I am thankful for their friendship and love.

We miss our loved ones and live in the sadness that we are no longer sharing life with them.  We have memories of their lives and love and the difference they made in our lives.  I believe over time we move from this sadness of existing in the loneliness and hurt and darkness, and we begin living in the memories.  I think this transition occurs by being thankful.  When we turn from the negativity and begin being grateful for the privilege of having our loved one in our life and the opportunity to love, learn, and grow because of them, we start living our lives more fully and seeing the good.  Some people have a more negative slant on life but desire to be more positive.  To change a perspective on life occurs through the process of being thankful.

I am thankful for the cloud of witnesses that are around me.  That is, for the people I have loved and are now in Heaven.  I miss them but I am more focused now on being thankful they were in my life, and I treasure the memories.  I am focusing more on the difference they made in my life and what I learned from them.  I give thanks to God for the privilege of having them in my life.

As November begins, I challenge each of you to focus on being thankful.  No matter how you feel, where you are in your grief or your circumstances in life, there is always something you can give thanks.  Let us write down each day in November three things you give God thanks.  You can start with being thankful for breathing, the blue sky, and the ability to read these words.  Hey, I just got you started with your November Thanks List!  Focus on being thankful.

Cone of Protection

“But let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them ever sing for joy.  Spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may rejoice in you.”  Psalm 5:11 NIV

My dog, Annie, now has a plastic collar better known as the “cone of shame.”  Her paw is infected and needs air to heal, but she will not stop licking it.  So she wears the cone of shame for all to see.  She bumps into walls and furniture trying to maneuver around the house.  I have had to put a boot on her paw and take the cone off so she can eat, drink, and go outside.  She looks so pitiful and uncomfortable.  Her eyes are sad with pain.  I know this is necessary to heal her paw.  It is temporary but necessary.

As I look at Anne trying to sleep on her blanket with her plastic collar, I think of how similar we are to Annie with our own “cones of pain.”  Most are invisible to others.  The “cone” keeps us focused only on ourselves and all we see and feel is our pain and the overwhelming situation and misery.  The focus of our life is survival in the pain or situation.  Annie is self-focused too. When she is wearing the collar, she is not aware of what is around her.  She is whimpering in her own pain.

The hurt and pain of our life gets in the way of living fully in the present.  There are a variety of “cones” we wear that cause emotional pain. The cone of anxiety focuses on everything in the future – the worry of how we will get all the tasks done and how they will turn out and if we will please all those involved.  We have tunnel vision and only see everything in the future without living in the moment and enjoying the present.  The cone of anger focuses only on what or who caused the hurt without looking inward and processing the pain and releasing it.  The cone of being overwhelmed causes the pain of feeling like you are responsible for everything and everyone’s happiness.  You are exhausted but fear you will let someone down if you do not focus on doing everything perfectly in the next month.  Oh, there are so many more cones we place around us – the cone of fear, hurt, grief, loneliness, and the list goes on and on.

What if we changed the cone to a positive?  It could be a cone of protection. The cone protects Annie from herself and allows her paw to heal.  Annie has begun to lay her head down in the cone and lay on her blanket and rest.  She no longer can reach her paw nor see it, so she rests.  She only sees what the cone allows her to which is what is right in front of her and not her paw.  What if we just lived right in front of us?

The cone could represent God’s protection in our pain.  Just like I am protecting Anne so she can heal, God protects us by reminding us to live in His Presence and not focus on the worries and fears of this world.  It also reminds us when we are in pain and filled with sorrow, we can only deal with small amounts of reality at a time.   Then God protects us until we are strong and have healed more.  Soon the protection may not be visible, but we are healing and learning not to keep chewing on the hurt and re-opening the wound.  Our awareness of God’s protection and Presence becomes our focus, not the pain and hurt.

When Annie’s cone comes off permanently, her paw will be healed, and the hope is that she will leave her paw alone and not cause the paw to hurt.  God’s protection never leaves us, but He releases us to live within His guidance.  Sometimes, even when we have experienced His constant care and protection, we venture on our own feeling we can handle life without recognizing or accepting His guidance and continued protection.

Because we have experienced pain, sorrow, hurt or loss, and God has been our protection, it affirms we need God’s protective care even in the good times.  Even when we think we got it.  I can get lost on my own and revert back to unhealthy ways like my dog and focus on a past hurt and open a wound that has been healed and released.  Keep your focus daily on God’s protective care.  Sometimes, God protects us from our own self when we desire to handle it by ourselves.  God loves you and walks with you.  Allow God’s protection to surround you.

Gnawings of Life

“He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds.”  Psalm 147:3

My dog, Annie, has a sore paw.  After one of our long walks, she began licking her right front paw and made it red and sore.  She would not stop licking and chewing on it, and it made her sick.  She vomited one early morning for several hours because of it.  I had to wrap her paw to keep her from gnawing on it and making it worse.  She could not stop.  She now has a little pink boot on her paw.  I clean and soak it each evening.  She is obsessed with the paw and as soon as I unwrap it, she tries to lick and chew on it.  She does not realize what is good for her – that healing can only happen if she stops gnawing on the sore paw.  I want to help her heal, but she does not like what I need to do to bring the healing.

The similarities to life and Annie’s paw struck me as I talked with someone in the depth of grief again.  Life happens unexpectedly as we are just trying to walk the normal everyday path of life.  We experience the intensity of pain and hurt.  We are doing well and then cannot believe that life just blows up around us.  Our first reaction is to try to fix everything on our own.  That is, to lick our paw and smooth out life and heal everything ourselves. 

Sometimes we cover up our struggles in life and our grief by keeping busy and ignoring it.  We stuff it down inside with the hope if we do not acknowledge it, we cannot be hurt by it, and it will disappear.  We may feel the pain and grief, but we try to avoid feeling and facing reality, so we escape or turn inward and attempt to focus elsewhere.

But like my dog’s paw, the gnawing inside does not go away – the worries, the troubles, the anxiety, the grief - remains even when we cover it up.  We feel it, and it gnaws at every fiber of our being.  We feel the emptiness, the pain, and our desire is for it all to be healed and for life to be calm and peaceful even for a moment.

We attempt to figure out life on our own.  We tell ourselves, “I can fix this.”  “I can make life better.  I just need to work harder.”  But the more we try on our own, the more exhausted, lonely, and abandoned we feel.  We take on the responsibility that is not ours to do.  I believe, my dog, Annie, tells herself, “Just let me gnaw on my paw and I can heal it myself.”  It does not work for Annie, nor does it work for our lives.  Annie needs medication, healing time, and my assistance and expert medical care to heal her paw.  She also needs to release it and not do it herself.  We too, need rest, quiet time, and God.  Like Anne who does not like me messing with her paw and trying to help her heal, we do not turn to the One who can walk with us in each moment and give us peace and His Presence.

While we believe and know God is with us, we attempt to walk the journey of life alone especially in the struggles and sorrows of life.  God is the only one who can heal the gnawings of our lives and bandage our wounds.  We do not always like how God walks us through the rough times because we would prefer God just take us out of them and miraculously heal the brokenness.

So what are you gnawing on?  Are you gnawing on the past and living in the pain and regret?  Are you worried about the future and living in the fear and anxiety?  Are you gnawing at trying to heal yourself and your situation?  God is the great healer.  He promises to bandage our wounds.  God will give us comfort in our sorrow and troubles.  He will not take us out of them but through them if we will surrender to His leading and healing.  Start gnawing on God’s Word and His promises.

Live Forgiven

“Then hear from heaven and forgive the sins of your servants, your people Israel.  Teach them the right way to live.”   2 Chronicles 6:27 NIV

Last week I sat on the front pew of a church from my childhood at a family funeral.  Memories flooded my mind of this dear family, those who were a part of the church family and are now in Heaven, and the foundation of faith and love these believers gave to me.  Then I thought of myself as a teenager and what I experienced then and what I still wish I could change.  I thought of the events and situations of my life that I keep asking for God’s forgiveness.  In that moment, I realized I am no longer that girl so why live in the pain and sorrow of the past.  The past is the past.  It is part of my foundation that I have experienced and learned from, but I do not need to stay in those feelings and pain.

I then heard the song – “Live Forgiven” by Gordon Mote.  A portion of the song states –

We are free, when we don’t know it

We are loved, when we can’t believe it

The past is broken, the cross has spoken

Live forgiven, live forgiven 

There’s more mercy there than we could ever fathom

Live forgiven 

As a Christian, we know we are loved, we are free from the bondage of sin through Jesus’ death on the cross.  The past is not in control, and we have been released from the sin.  We are not the child or the adult that messed up.  We still punish ourselves even though we say Jesus has paid the price for our sin.  We live as if we still need to suffer the consequences and pay the price.  We live as if we need to earn God’s love and the love of others. 

We are “scarred and scared” and keep our failures and how we view ourselves hidden from the world.  We pretend we have it all together and are living in God’s grace.  But inside we are negative about ourselves, filled with worry someone will find out our past or someone will see that we are existing in the grief and are not dealing well with this different life.

We continue to see our sins and flaws not God’s love and grace. We feel guilty we do not do enough or feel we should be stronger or further down the path.  STOP!  God loves you as His child not because of what you have done but because of whose you are – His beloved child.  Everything we have ever done wrong or not done, He forgives us.  We confess and God forgives and does not hold it against us.  That’s grace.  That is God’s part – He loves, He forgives, He does not hold it against us.  He is with us.  Our part – LIVE.  To live is to breath, to remain alive with vigor and energy.  To be fully present in the moment not to just exist and take up space.  To experience the moment. 

As we are walking through the struggles, the disappointments and the losses of life, it feels like time stops for a while.  We go through the motions, but we are not living.  Living does not mean everything is wonderful.  Living is more about our attitude and outlook on life.  It involves trust, belief, acceptance, and movement.  It is living in the pain.  Living in the hurt.  Living in the grief.  We cannot deny the struggles of life, but they do not need to consume us to the point we stop living.

It is finding moments when we recognize life – the sunrise, the blue sky, the stars, the smile of a child, the smell of fresh baked cookies, and the fellowship of a friend.  Life may not be what you expected or wished, but it is the life you now have.  Live forgiven.  Forgive yourself.  Live the life you now have and who you now are.  Live in God’s grace and presence. Living means living close to Jesus.  It is being aware that God is with you.  You live in the relationship with God as your focus, not the problems and difficulties and sorrow of life.   Live in the moments.  The key is to find a way to live.  Begin living into the life you now have.

Reflections at the Barn

“The Lord your God will bless you with full barns, and he will bless everything you do.  He will bless the land he is giving you.”    Deuteronomy 29:8

I walked through what was left of the barn on the farm I was raised and where one of my brothers currently lives.  Part of the barn was destroyed several years ago by straight lined winds.  My brother has built around the original structure.  As I walked through the barn, the smells triggered memories of childhood.  I remembered feeding the sheep and the cows.  I remembered my first experience of helping to birth a lamb in the barn.  A portion of the hayloft where we stored the hay and straw remained.  I recalled cleaning out the barn and playing in the hayloft.  The memories were of hard labor and of fun.  Now I am thankful to have been raised on the farm where I received an appreciation of God’s creation – the animals and the land.

The barn provided shelter for the animals, it stored food for them, and was a place to milk the cows which supplied milk for my family and gave us an income.  Even the storms of nature could not completely destroy the barn.  Even if it had, the memories and the lessons learned from the barn would always remain.  The barn is no longer a place for animals, but it stores machinery and vehicles and some stuff.  Its purpose has changed, but it is still a barn.  The foundation of the barn remained strong even through the storms of life.

This past week, a cousin died who was part of my childhood.  I remember spending time on the farm he was raised and being in the barn as the cows were milked.  The farm and the barn represent the memories of my cousin and his family.  The barn reminded me of his love for the land, tractors, and his respect for his parents who taught him to appreciate God’s creation and the blessings of God.

As I reflect on the barn of my childhood, I realize it has taught me about life, loss, and living in the different.  The journey of my life has been similar to this old structure.  My purpose was to first learn from my experiences on the farm and integrate them into the foundation of my life.  I experienced the cycle of life through the birth and death of animals in the barn.  I came to appreciate the work which instilled in me a strong work ethic.  The barn served its purpose over the years – more than 100 years.  I have been productive and served God through my ministry career.  The barn and I fulfilled our purpose and believed we would live this same life forever.

And then life changed for me and for the barn.  The winds tore the barn apart and loss ripped apart my life and changed me forever.  We both experienced a period of time where we felt exposed to the elements of life and lost our main purpose.  My brother restored the barn by building around it and giving it a purpose to store equipment.  God has walked me through the journey of grief to find a different life and purpose.  I, like the barn, have found a new meaning and purpose to life.  Our foundation remained even through the storms of life.

God brings us through the storms of life.  We have just witnessed the storms of Hurricane Ian which has brought devastation to an area of our country.  Grief and loss consume so many after this storm, but God is the one who brings us through the loss and gives us hope and comfort when it seems impossible.  God does not restore us to our past life or reinstate things to how they were, but God builds upon the foundation of our lives to create a different life that can bring fulfillment and blessings.

Even when life is different, it can be good and fulfilling with inner joy and contentment.  We cannot restore and re-create the past, but we can build on the foundation the past started for us.  The memories remain within our hearts just like my memories of the barn and my loved ones.  God calls you and me to live in the present and experience this different life knowing God walks right beside us encouraging us each step of the way.

Reverberation of Memories

“The wind blows wherever it pleases.  You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going.  So it is with everyone born of the Spirit.”   John 3:8 NIV

It seemed like a lifetime ago as I looked at the photo albums and recalled some of the memories and events surrounding the pictures.  It was another life – a different life and I was a different person as I looked at myself in some of them.  That was really me?  I have glimpses in my head and sometimes all those memories feel like they are rapidly cycling through all those years.  This past week marked seven years since my husband, Dave, went to Heaven.  I have the assurance he is living in Heaven without pain and is with Jesus.  I read the responses from people who remembered – “He was an inspiration.”  “His legacy will always live on.”  “He will not be forgotten.”  “He was such an influence in my life.”  It warmed my heart that he was not forgotten, and his life still reverberated in this world.

Reverberate means that the sound is repeated several times like an echo.  It is to reflect, resonate, or resound.  In relationship to a life, to reverberate means the echo of your life continues long after you have been released from this world.  While Dave’s voice is silent on earth, his legacy continues to reverberate.  His love and spirit travels in the silence of other people’s hearts and integrates into the foundation of their lives and decisions.

Today the wind is blowing strong, and I hear the roar of the wind.  I see the trees sway in the breeze and watch the leaves blow across the yard.  I see the effects of the wind and I hear how it causes the noise of the trees, but I cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going.  God’s Spirit works in our lives with the same effect.  We feel and see the effects but do not know where the Spirit will lead us.

As for the reverberations of our loved one, we do not know how their influence and legacy will continue in our own lives and in the lives they have touched while on earth, but it does continue.  What are the sounds of memories?  What does life sound like?  We know the sounds of laughter and tears.  The sounds of joy and sorrow.  The sounds of frustration and fun.  They are all mixed together in life.  But how does the sound of love continue in our lives? 

The reverberation of love is a quiet, gentle sound within the heart.  It is deep within the foundation of our soul.  I recognize it when I sit quietly in God’s presence and wonder how did I get to be who I am?  I have heard the love, felt the joy, and experienced the heartache and pain that has come from those I have loved.  I may not immediately recognize where it came from, but I have integrated their influence into my life and their legacy continues.  I feel the vibration of their influence touching my life and soul.  It resonates within me.

I am no longer living in the deep sadness of loss but focused on how my life has been influenced and enhanced because of the love I have experienced.  I am grateful for the journey.  Life took a different turn than I expected just like we cannot predict the direction of the wind.  The wind influences, changes, and redirects what is in its path.  Life changes in unpredictable ways.  Therefore, because of the changes and losses, we need to focus on the influence and legacy that reverberates from the loss and takes root in our lives.  The transfer is silent with barely a sound.  We could miss it in the noise of this world and the loudness of the pain.  It is in the quietness of our souls we give thanks and experience the reverberation from a life well lived.

The question then becomes is my life reverberating the love of Jesus to others?  Am I allowing the wind of the Spirit to blow through me and touch others just as I have been influenced and touched on this journey?