Fully Present in the Different

“Do not change yourselves to be like the people of this world but be changed within by a new way of thinking.”  Romans 12:2

Oh, the memories that flooded my mind as I attended the county fair in my hometown.  As a child, my family attended the fair every day.  It was a yearly tradition.  Yes, we wandered through all the buildings, watched the shows, but the most important part beside the fair food was visiting with friends and family.  It was seeing people and being in the moment that made the fair so special.  The focus was to enjoy everything about the week at the fair.

So, when I attended the fair this past week, I was focused on being present and just enjoy the food, the events, and the people I encountered.  I found out three of my nieces and nephews were going to be in the chicken scramble.  For those who do not know what a chicken scramble is – chickens are released in an arena and little children attempt to catch them.  If the child catches one, the chicken goes home with the child.  It was pure joy watching three- to six-year-old boys and girls chase chickens.  But what brought tears of joy was watching my 4-year-old nephew who is unable to walk, being guided by his mom with his legs kicking in the air and catching chicken after chicken.  His face lit up with a huge smile.  He was fully present in the moment.  It did not matter to him what was going on around him or his lack of ability to walk – he was having the time of his life.  His smile afterward when I talked with him was all I needed.  My purpose of being at the fair was fulfilled.  I experienced what it means to be fully present in the different.

Fully means completely to the furthest extent without reservation or hesitation.  Present is to be where your feet are and to focus on the now.  Not only are you physically present in the now, but your thoughts are right in front of you without any anxiety or thought of what will happen next.  Can you be fully present?

Life has taught me to be fully present.  Yes, I make plans and schedule clients and events, but I am learning to enjoy what is in front of me.  To slow down and not have to be busy planning the next event or way to live out God’s calling on my life.  I have spent most of my ministry trying to find ways of being active for God and how much could I accomplish for God each week.  Activity felt like I was fulfilling what God wanted for me.

Now in this season of life, I pray each day for God’s Spirit to fill me with His power and strength and lead me to what I am to do to glorify God.  Some days it is to praise God and rest in the beauty of creation and God’s presence.  Some days it is to take the hand of Jesus and walk with someone else on the journey.  Some days it is just to be – to be in the feelings and emotions of the journey, to be present and take the next step, to just be.

My life has been different the past seven years.  I am learning to lean more on Jesus on not be concerned with how other people judge my decisions.  Some of my decisions I have sought God’s direction and they have been good, and some have been learning and growing experiences.  I am letting go of worry and anxiety and living more in the present.  I desire to have the joy like my four-year-old nephew, Wyatt.  Even in the midst of sorrow and life not turning out like expected, I can be in the moment and find purpose and joy and be thankful.

We are not to conform to the world or to other people’s expectations.  Anxiety and worry come from trying to meet the expectations of others.  It is living too far into the future and not living in your own present life.  Even when life is different and not what we had planned or hoped, we can be fully present with God and find joy and peace and purpose.

The Mire of Disappointment

“I will give rest and strength to those who are weak and tired.”   Jeremiah 31:25

The weather forecast was for bright sunshine the next day, and I had some free time, so I planned to bike ride in the sunshine and soak up the rays.  Then the day arrived, and the clouds and the possibility of rain filled the sky.  I was disappointed.  I decided to run errands instead and then the sun came out.  I was disappointed I had not ridden my bike.  I ordered seating for my new office space and was excited to complete the room, but delivery had been delayed.  I was disappointed.  These are minor irritations of life out of my control.  I could allow them to ruin my day and outlook on life and see all of life as disappointing.

To be disappointed is to be sad or displeased because someone or something failed to fulfill your hope or expectations.  Life is filled with disappointments that leave you feeling discouraged, upset, disillusioned, and discontented.  When life keeps handing you these disappointments it becomes a mire.  A mire is the feeling of being stuck without seeing a way out.  It feels like you are stuck in the mud.  You are disappointed in how your life has turned out.  It is not what you planned nor expected.

When loss happens, the disappointment and discouragement become central in your thoughts, making it impossible to find hope and a belief that life is not all negative.  The mire of grief is deep.  You feel trapped with no possible way out.  It is a situation you did not choose that you are expected to navigate without any clear guidance or roadmap.

You are sludging through but want to escape the feelings and the reality of your life.  The mire keeps you going in circles.  You are disappointed in yourself for not being able to hold it together and to walk through grief.  You are disappointed in others who you thought would be there for you.  They have gone on with their lives without considering how difficult life is for you.  You feel stuck some days and other days you feel you are managing life OK.  The desire to live into this different life is present but you are discouraged that you do not have it all together yet.  You are still unsure of yourself, your decisions, and the next steps of living into the future.

Disappointments happen in all areas of life.  I am learning to find ways to accept that God has a different plan than mine.  There is a purpose in the change.  Sometimes, it is that you need to allow God to be in control and surrender to His guidance.  Sometimes, God wants you to rest instead of being so busy.  Sometimes, you just need to recognize that it is OK not to have it all together – nobody does no matter how much someone tries to pretend.

I am also learning to not allow one disappointment to ruin the whole day.  It is saying, “OK, that did not work, I will try something else or go in a different direction.”  It is not putting together everything that goes wrong and living in “woe is me” mode.  It is letting go and moving on.  It is letting things roll off instead of absorbing them.  It is finding positives even in the midst of the sorrow and disappointment.  It is recognizing the loss but also looking at what is still around you and the memories and love that will always remain in your heart.  It is finding things to be thankful.  Not everything in life can be fixed, healed, or made perfect.  Life is living in the middle of the imperfections, disappointments and finding joy and contentment. 

I know the sun will shine another day, and I will ride my bike in the sunshine.  I know the furniture will arrive someday.  But most of all, I know God is with me in the disappointments of life and God can use them to draw me closer to Him.

Illuminating The Silence

“In the same way, you should be a light for other people.  Live so that they will see the good things you do and will praise your Father in heaven.”     Matthew 5:16

I recently purchased and placed around the sidewalk of my condo solar lights to illuminate the path after dark.  The lights are spaced apart to provide brightness along the sidewalk without any dark areas.  The lamps provide an artistic circle of illumination that enhances the beauty of the condo walkway.  Now when I take my dog, Annie, out at night, I have light to guide me, and I also enjoy the beauty of the reflection.  My solar lights depend on the sun to store power so that they can shine brightly in the night.

To illuminate means to make something visible or bright by shining a light on it.  We use luminaries during the holiday season to light the path into our churches and down our streets.  To illuminate is also to help to clarify or explain.  We shed light on a subject or problem.  We clarify, explain, and expound upon ideas and situations.  What is illuminating your path?

Darkness is intense at the beginning of the grief journey.  Darkness of our souls.  Darkness toward beauty and hope and sunshine.  Nothing is helpful.  Nothing explains our feelings and emotions.  Nothing makes sense.  Nothing clarifies what has just happened.  We see no future or direction. Our direction and purpose have been lost, and the light seems dim, barely a flicker. 

We feel the silence in the darkness.  But in the silence of the pain and loneliness, Jesus comes.  At first the light of His love and presence is too bright, too hopeful, too good.  The rapids of the river of life throw us all over with barely a moment to catch our breath.  Jesus reaches out His hand to bring us to shore to rest for a while.  It is in this silence that our pain and hurt and loneliness begins to comprehend and accept this different life.  We struggle with acceptance.  It is not what we now desire, or thought would be our life.  The path to the past is dark and lined with regret, pain, loss, and existence if we choose to stay only in the past.

Jesus sits with us in this silence.  Silence is needed to give our hearts and minds time to adjust from the dark to the illuminating presence of Jesus and his peace and hope.  From the intensity of grief and just existing through the day, we are processing how to live the life we now have.  Silence provides the space for enlightenment to take residence in our soul.  We begin to accept the fact that life changed, and the seasons of life happen without our consent.  The eyes of our hearts have been exposed only to the darkness of the intensity of hurt.  It will take time to adjust to the illumination of hope and a different life.  The wisdom of silence leads us to the light we do not want to acknowledge fully.  Our past is complete, and we need to step into the present and future and live what seems impossible to do.  We need to take one step at a time just like light illuminates one step forward at a time.

Quiet your soul and listen to the silence.  In this silence you will hear the light of Jesus.  Other sounds tend to drown out this quiet.  We are afraid of quiet at times because in the quiet we see the reality of life.  In this reality, we need the light of Christ to guide us.  It is treacherous to walk without the light of Jesus’s love to guide us.  One step and one moment at a time into the illumination of life.  Jesus refreshes us and fills us with the light of his presence.  It takes time to absorb His presence and shine again in the world. 

Traipsing Through Life

“Show me the path where I should go O Lord; point out the right road for me to walk.”  Psalm 25:4

My dog, Annie, and I walk each day.  Some days she walks with purpose and direction. She picks up the pace and is determined to finish the walk.  Other days she meanders back and forth smelling different rocks, bushes, and places in the grass.  The advantage Annie has is that I am with her to direct her path on the walk even though some days she resists my guidance.  We always complete the walk no matter how fast or slow she walks.

Some days, we meander and some days we have direction and purpose in our lives.  When we experience grief, loss, and changes, we feel we are traipsing through life.  To traipse is to walk or move wearily or reluctantly without purpose or direction.  This describes how we may feel on our current life path.  We are tired and overwhelmed with decisions to make or even what direction to go.  Some days we aimlessly go from one thing to another without completing any task or following through with our plan or list.  We may wander from room to room knowing we need to accomplish some tasks, but it feels futile or at least too much right now.

We traipse through life for many reasons.  We fear the unknown – what is around the corner or in our future.  If we just knew what to expect and how it would turn out, we would take the next step into life.  This is where faith enters life.  We take a step without knowing and we trust that God is with us.  If we mess up, we can learn from it and take a step in another direction.  We want to know the end result before taking a step on a new path, so we just traipse along on the familiar but hopeless path. 

We may also fear failure which keeps us just traipsing through life.  What if we try and it does not work out?  That’s OK because we at least tried something different, and we can learn from our failures.  Failure is not fatal.  It just means that it did not work out this time for you.  We also fear what others will think and how they will view us.  When we try to please others, we empty ourselves and feel overwhelmed trying to measure up to their expectations.  This produces the fear of not being good enough.  Fear is a liar.

We are afraid we may choose the wrong path and the path will not be what God desires for our life.  So, we do nothing out of fear of disappointing God and others, and we just traipse aimlessly through each day.  It feels like we have no clue as to what direction to go since everything in life is different.  You had planned out your future, and now it has all changed.  We think about doing something different, but we have worn a rut in this weary and aimless path.  We keep trudging along in the emptiness, sadness, and living in the past memories.  We may even at times go to the “poor me” victim mentality.  Life has no meaning and purpose, and we fear it never will and we will wander aimlessly the rest of our existence.

Just like Annie, who resists my leading some days, we resist the leading of God.  We may not even know how to follow God’s guidance on this path of life.  Life is not what we had envisioned, but it is what we have.  It is being still and trusting that God is with us even when we do not feel His presence.  It is spending more time talking with God and trusting that He loves you and wants you to live with purpose.  God can bring healing and hope out of our pain and brokenness.  It will look different than expected.  We may mess up, but God gives His grace.  It is allowing God to lead.  It is picking up the pieces and the pace.  One step at a time and even doing it afraid.  Let’s walk not traipse through life.

After The Anger

“For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime, weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.”  Psalm 30:5 (NIV)

Anger – a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility.  We are aggravated at someone or at a situation.  Life did not turn out the way we expected, and we are irritated because we tried to make the right decision and life blew up around us.  I talked with someone recently who said she was angry at how life had turned out, angry at how she handled the situation, and angry at friends for telling her how she should feel and what she should do.

On the journey of life, others make decisions that affect us which can provoke our anger.  I have felt this anger in my life.  A choice was made that you did not choose, and anger becomes the first reaction.  Anger is reactive and usually focused on the one who we believe caused the hurt or the one in front of us.  We become angry at God for taking our loved one.  We blame someone else for the hurt, and this fuels the anger.  Give yourself permission to be angry.  Live in it for a moment, but as you do, you will find if you stay too long the anger will turn inward and become depression and feed the negative view of life.  Your internal voice tells you everything will go wrong.  Nobody cares.  Everybody will hurt me.  That is anger that grows within us.  Feel it.  Acknowledge you are angry, but do not stay there.  Begin to search your soul.  Anger can control you and make you miserable.

For me, I had to accept the decision of another.  I had to go back to my foundation of faith and accept that I could not answer the why question, but I knew God was giving me comfort and peace in what I did not understand.  As I sat in the anger, I felt God working on my heart and the anger began to change to disappointment. I was disappointed in the choice of others.  I was disappointed that my life did not turn out like I had planned, expected, or hoped.  I was disappointed in how I dealt with it.  But I gradually accepted that I needed to experience these feelings and admit them to myself in order to heal and move forward.

Then my disappointment moved to sadness.  I was sad for the decision.  I was sad that he was gone.  Sad that life changed.  Sad that I had to start a new chapter of life.  I lived in the sadness until I began to accept God was giving me a new chapter of life.  I closed the chapter but kept the memories and adventures.  I released the anger that was trying to control me and keep me from living.  Anger makes us miserable.  Disappointment and sadness keep us feeling sorry for ourselves but unable to take any steps out of the feelings.

Everyone will give you unsolicited advice on how to live and deal with the feelings and emotions caused by the situations of your life.  This can increase anger and disappointment because they do not understand that all you need them to do is listen and be present by not control you or fix the situation.  Your grief is your own.  Nobody can tell you that it is wrong.  We each deal with loss differently. 

Anger is released when we come to an acceptance.  We accept others for who they are and their choices.  We accept that this is the life we now have.  We cannot change the past, but we can live forward into the present.  We accept that God will bring good out of our sadness.  Life will be different, but we can find moments of joy and find a peace and contentment with the life we now are experiencing.  Anger controls and causes deep hurt and pain and negativity.  Releasing and accepting brings hope.  We look for the good in others.  We look for the peace in our own lives.  We begin to look forward to life and living in the moments.

Am I Who?

“God said to Moses, “I am who I am.  This is what you are to say to the Israelites.  I am has sent me to you.”    Exodus 3:14

In recent social and family gatherings, I have had to introduce myself or be introduced.  I said, “I am the youngest sibling.”  “I am his friend.”  “I am his cousin.”  “I am the minister.”  “I am their aunt.”  When I think about these introductions and relationships, I have used the present tense of “I am.”  This is who I currently am in relationship with others.  We define ourselves based on relationships – “I am the daughter of…”  I am the spouse of ….”  “I am the aunt of ….”  “I am the sister of ….”

As we journey on this path of life, each turn defines us.  We begin to realize that other people do not need to control who we are just define the relationship.  We do not need to please others as our primary purpose in life.  We have experienced struggles and heartaches, joys and successes that have defined us.  Our relationships help mold us and guide us into becoming who we were created to be.  The essence of who we are though was created by God.  God gave us our physical features from the moment we were conceived in our mother’s womb.  We each have gifts and talents that we develop and refine over our lifetime.  How we have reacted and processed the trials of life has also defined us.

When life changes, who we are is re-defined by the change.  Someone said to me recently, “I just want the happy me back.”  We desire who we were before the grief and life change.  We are forever changed.  I am accepting it is good to be me – the me God intended me to be not who others want me to be.  I accepted I have grown, matured, and changed because of my own grief journey and changes in life.  I know the sad parts of me that have changed – the emptiness, the loneliness, the loss of relationship, and how everything is different.  But I also can now see the positive changes that the grief journey has given to me to define who I am now.  I am seeking the good out of the bad.

My priorities are clearer and defined.  I am able to experience the present and be in the moment because I know how precious each moment of life really is.  I am focused on relationships not on tasks as much.  Things will get done, and material possessions are not important. I can sit and just be still in God’s presence.  I am more aware of God’s visible expression in each day – His glory, and I hold His hand throughout the day to bring me into the present moment.  I sigh more and let go of things quicker.  I live less in worry, and more in trust.  I ask myself if someone or something is my responsibility.  Most of the time the answer is “no”, and I can release to God the responsibility.  When we begin to accept, we do not need to be a people pleaser, we free ourselves to be who we were created to be, not who someone else wants us to be.

There is freedom in being who we were created to be.  I am who I am.  I may not be what I thought I was going to be in the life I had envisioned for my future.  But I am where God wants me to be right now.  God created me.  God loves me.  God forgives and accepts me and so do I.  Let’s repeat that statement for ourselves – God created you.  God loves you.  God forgives and accepts you and you need to love and accept yourself.

Through this journey, I have learned it is not selfish to care for myself and make decisions based on what is best for me according to God’s will.  My purpose is to glorify God.  As I become and you become more yourself, we find peace and a contentment.  Life is different, but in this different is where we live.  Be bold.  Say “no” to what you do not want in your life.  Say “yes” to becoming you.  Find your peace and contentment.  It takes time but allow God to be present in your moments and God will take you quietly by the hand and lead you into this chapter of life to become all God created you to be.  Trust.  Take a step.  I am Me!

Living Past Memories

“Everything that was written in the past was written to teach us.”   Romans 15:4

As my siblings looked through the old photo album my cousin shared from his mom, we found a picture of our childhood home.  It is the only picture of the entire house I now own.  The house burned when I was 14 years old.  Oh, the memories that flooded my mind as I held that picture.  It was like a movie running in fast speed through my head.  I remembered my room shared with my sister, the stairway where I played with my slinky toy, the family dinners, the back porch with the old ringer washer, but most of all I just remembered my parents and siblings and sharing life together in that house.

As I reflect on the picture of my childhood home, I have snapshots of events, life, family, and experiences that have shaped my life.  I recall and remember and bring these memories into my present life.  It reminds me who I have become because of these influences and experiences.  I do not live in the past nor have a sadness because the past is completed.  As I bring these memories into today, I give thanks for my family and for the foundation of life.  Just like my childhood house had a cement and block foundation, I received a foundation for my present life from my past experiences which are now memories.  I recognize the past influences my present, but I do not live in the past.  The past is the past and I continue to learn from it.

I attended the funeral of a church family member from my childhood this past week. Her family was a part of my memories as I grew into adulthood.  She baked my wedding cake years ago and transported it from my hometown to my wedding site two hours away.  The past and the present connected as I remembered but also celebrated a life well lived.  I remembered her family and sharing faith and life together.  She and all those from my home church are part of my foundation of faith and life.  I take the memories with me into the present.

When we live in the past, we do not see life today.  We only look backward.  We desire the life we had and continue to live in the past memories as if they are all we have.  The present seems too difficult to navigate and the past is familiar and comfortable.  We rehearse the past and believe life will never have purpose and meaning again.  The past is all we desire, and our focus is how we once lived.

We can become distracted easily on the journey because nothing is the same and everything feels overwhelming.  Memories fill the emptiness of today.  Sadness and loneliness and heartache seem to define the present when we are deep in our grief.  We want to escape these feelings, so we go back into our past reliving the life we had.  But when we only focus on the past, we never live in the present.  We obsess over whether we were enough?  Did we do enough?  Love enough? Was it really what we thought we had?

Then we attempt to take steps into living and allowing the memories to be our foundation.  We struggle with the idea of actually living forward.  We wonder if we can ever experience the love and hope of our past in the present.  Because we have had love, joy, and fulfillment in our past, we have the assurance through Jesus that it can continue in our present but in a different form.  The completion of the past is that we will not change the past.  It was what it was.  The memories continue in the present, but we do not make new memories out of the past.  The memories of our past have a purpose.  They are given by God to learn from the experiences and relationships and to grow from them.  We live in the present with hope and meaning because the past and its memories are the steppingstones into this different life.

I give thanks to God for what God brought me through and the relationships of my life.  Grief tells us the past is all we have.  The reality is the past is complete, and we have the foundation of the past to build our present and future.  Be thankful.  Remember.  Step into today.

The Heart of Words

“And the Word became flesh and lived among us, and we have seen his glory, the glory as of a father’s only son, full of grace and truth.”    John 1:14

I was asked to visit her dad.  On my way, I prayed for God to give me the words they needed to hear.  I asked that God would speak through me.  I make a living with words.  I have preached sermons and funerals using the words of Scripture, faith, and hope.  I listen to the words of clients as they share their problems and concerns for life.  I share words of discernment and hope for life with them.  I write words in books and this blog to give guidance and light on the journey.

Words are all around us.  When we travel, we are guided by signs that lead us to our destination.  We follow road signs of “Stop.”  We read signs advertising places of interest and businesses enticing us to visit their new location.  Words are even in our homes.  My walls are filled with words – Scriptures on a quilt, decorative wall plaques, barn siding with names stenciled and even words of “Faith, Hope, Peace, and Love” stenciled on the wall.   We listen to songs and feel the words.  The songs put our feelings into the words we could not find.  Many times, I ask people to describe how they feel.  Words do not come easily as we pull from within us the emotions of our hearts.

Sometimes words feel so empty and trite and are not enough to be supportive and meaningful.  We have experienced times in our lives when we have had no clue what to say, and we say something out of nervousness and anxiety.  We have experienced people saying empty words attempting to help us feel better.  We respond to “how are you?” with “Fine” which is a word spoken when we do not want to share what is really in our hearts.

We cannot express in words the depth of love we have for another person.  “I love you” does not feel enough to express the intensity of our emotions.  We love with our whole being and feel the weight of the love cannot be expressed in mere words.  When sadness and grief enter our world, the feelings of our hearts are impossible to put into words.  Words are not enough to express the emptiness, the pain, the loss of love, and the heaviness of our hearts. 

God hears the words of our hearts in the silence of our expression.  God hears the sighs and understands the words that have formed within us but are too difficult to articulate.  Even though we cannot put all our feelings and emotions into words, it is still within you.  Those words remain in your heart and over time we can put sound to those words.  As we experience the grief and take steps into this different life, we begin to comprehend the journey and name the feelings and emotions.  By naming them, we begin to accept them, to actually feel them, and to release them.

As we name these feelings and emotions of our grief and sadness, and we begin to take steps into this different life, the words begin to change.  Our focus is not on words of sadness, pain, heartache, but of hope, peace, and faith.  These are words we have not spoken in our hearts for a while but are words that begin to emerge in the silence of our hearts.  The life we lived is completed and the words of our hearts begin to change.  Hope and faith attempt to grow, and we remember the words – “The Word became flesh and dwelt among us.”  Jesus is the Word that becomes life.  Jesus dwells within us and speaks words of life into our hearts.  We are attempting to hear the Word, and we desire that the Word grow within us and emerge from its dormant season and breathe life and hope into this next chapter of life.

Living In Front of You

“When Jacob awoke from his sleep, he thought, “Surely the Lord is in this place, and I was not aware of it.”              Genesis 28:16

I listened to him as he shared his thoughts of the past and his fears that he was not enough for her.  I heard the pain as he remembered and his heartache of her death.  He was lost without her and did not know how to take steps into the life he now had.  It did not even feel like a life, but it was all he had now.  He was focused on the past. Then, I experienced the joy of a nine-year-old at the county fair.  She was living in the moment and excited about whatever the next moment brought.  She attempted the tractor pull and was eliminated in the first round.  A moment of disappointment and then it was French fries!  Oh, to have that childlike life.

In our grief, we exist mainly in the past especially in our thoughts and feelings.  We fear forgetting our loved one even though we know that would be impossible, so we focus mainly on the past.  This is an essential part of grief.  We need to remember the good, the impact of our loved one on our life, and who we are because they were in our lives.  We need to work through the pain and loss, and we need to forgive and let go of the regret.  But when we just exist in the past and stay focused on how life used to be, we never live the life we have in front of us.  We are afraid to move through grief because we fear we will forget. 

This fear prevents us from integrating our past into our present.  We will always remember without needing to live in the past.  My friend, Sharon, told me recently that she is tired of being sad and living in the grief.  She said, “I will always miss my husband.  I don’t want to live life without him, but I don’t want to be sad and miserable all the time.  I want to be happy and find joy in life again.”  She has grieved and will always miss her husband, and his love will always be part of who she is and her foundation of life.  She is choosing to live the life she has in front of her.

When I worked for Hospice, my director and friend, Mary, would say – “Be where your feet are.”  This was helpful in my work and visits with patients, but also has made a significant impact on my grief journey.  We may not like the life we now have, but it is what we have so we need to begin to live into it. Look what is around you, and if you do not like it begin to make changes one step at a time.  The steps could be as simple as getting a new hair style to rearranging your living space to doing something with a friend.  It is just beginning to turn from the sadness all the time to moments of good.  It is living in those positive moments that are in front of you.

In this living in front of you, we need to awake from our grief and choose a path of living.  It is recognizing that God has always been in this place even if we have not been aware of his presence.  Grief just becomes a part of who we are but does not need to overshadow living in the present moment.  Yes, we will have sad moments and quiet times of remembering, but we will also have moments of happiness and seeing what is in front of us.  Learn about life from a nine-year-old – disappointments and sadness will happen in life, but there are always something good in front of us if we look for it.  Enjoy the French fries!

Silent Echo

“The Lord is in his holy temple; let all the earth be silent before him.”   Habakkuk 2:20

At the cemetery, the VFW stood at attention with rifles and at the command they raised them into the air.  Their commander gave the order “Fire”, and the 21-gun salute was given for my friend.  The shots reverberated through the trees and the sound bounced off the building.  The shots echoed for a moment through the soft gentle breeze.  Then the bugler played “Taps.”  The sound lingered as the flag was lifted from the casket and the military led the ceremony of folding the flag.  A silence filled the air at this sacred and patriotic tribute.  The flag was presented to the widow and the silence of grief overwhelmed the moment.

I had just officiated at the funeral of my friend from a former church I served.  I met Bill and his son, Brent the night I moved to the parsonage.  Brent was sitting on my front step waiting for me, and his dad arrived shortly after.  The first thing I saw was Bill’s smile.  He was known for his smile and humor.  A smile is silent, but it leaves a lasting impression.  Each time I think of Bill, I smile.  Bill’s smile is the silent echo that will remain in my heart.  It is his legacy.

An echo is a sound caused by the reflection of sound waves from a surface back to the listener.  Our hearts have an echo from the love we have experienced and received from our loved ones.  That echo remains within us.  It is unseen, but the most powerful evidence that our loved ones lived.  A silent echo is what is unspoken but is reflected forever in our lives.

Silence is part of the grief journey.  The life we knew has been silenced never to return the same again.  The silence of our loved one’s voice is overwhelming.  The silence of love permeates the chambers of our heart.  The silence is deafening when we are alone in our home and in our hearts.  We wonder if the emptiness of this silence will last forever.  Some of us linger in the silence longer than others.  It is familiar, and it becomes natural to exist in the silent emptiness of our lives.  The silence defines our empty souls.

Silence, though, is part of the healing journey.  We need to silence our racing and anxious thoughts and fears and be still in the presence of God.  The sadness is still present, but God’s presence holds us if we allow Him to come into our hearts and walk beside us.  No words need to be spoken in the silence.  Our spirit speaks to God’s spirit in sighs too deep for words.  (Romans 8:26)  The still silence is needed so that we can hear God speak to us, and begin living in this different life.

And then in the silence, we hear the echo of a life well lived.  The echo reverberates off our life, and we live out the legacy.  Many times the echo is a silent awareness.  We see our loved one’s influence in the little things of life we do.  We smile and remember their smile.  Our faith has a foundation in our mom.  Our work ethic is an echo from our dad.  Our love for baking is a reflection from our grandma.  The echo bounces off our lives and others hear the silent echo of those who have influenced our lives.  We live out the legacy in our daily lives and actions.

So as we live into our different life, we begin to become aware of our own silent echoes.  How are we influencing others in our quiet walk with God?  How does our life reflect Jesus to others?

Listen to the silent echoes.

Feeling Your Living

“We live by faith, not by sight.”   2 Corinthians 5:7

“How are you?”  We reply, “Fine.”  “How do you feel?”  “I’m OK.” We usually reply.  Polite answers to questions we know nobody really wants a true answer.  We rarely reply with how we really are feeling.  Feelings.  We all have them.  Feelings are not good or bad.  They are just what life situations creates within us.  I have been more focused recently on feelings – the feelings of others and how to express in words the emotions within my own soul.

When I counsel, I ask clients, “What are you feeling today?”  “How is life going for you?”  I am wanting to go deeper than the surface answer of “fine.”  Fine is a non-word to me that has no meaning.  It is said more to please the other person and deflect our true emotions.

I recently visited a cemetery where my friend’s parents are buried.  Memories of childhood and his parents were expressed as we walked the cemetery.  Then I began to read the feelings expressed on tombstones – the love, the sadness, the thankfulness, and the legacy of a life well lived.  In reading loving tributes, I had other feelings of life that continues past the cemetery.  At death, our feelings are intense, and we think we will always feel the same and never experience love this way again.  We pour our heart into expressing our love and chisel it in stone.  This love will always be part of our foundation forever just like it will be forever engraved in the stone.

Feelings change on the journey and in different seasons of life.  Feelings are how we react to life.  We usually live how we feel.  If we feel sad, all of life feels depressing around us.  If we feel tired, we tend to have no energy for even things we enjoy.  Feelings can consume us if we allow them.  Sometimes, we need to say to ourselves, “I feel sad right now, and I will allow myself to feel it for a moment.  Then I can go and enjoy something for a moment and mingle joy with my sadness.”

How do we continue to live even though we feel consumed with our grief?  I believe we need to express and acknowledge the feelings we have on our journey.  It is admitting we feel sad, unsettled, frustrated, numb, agitated, overwhelmed, angry, and the vast array of feelings too numerous to name.  Nobody can tell you not to feel an emotion.  It is who you are and how you feel.  When someone feels negative toward us, we take it personally and need to recognize it is their feeling and mood right now.  You need not absorb it nor try to fix it.  It is recognizing you will have different feelings throughout each day.  Give yourself permission to feel, but not be consumed by the feelings. 

We need to give thought to our feelings.  “I feel this way because…”  Naming the feeling and recognizing why we feel that way, helps us accept and deal with the feeling.  It also allows us to release it and not stuff it down inside.  Feelings do not just go away.  We feel deep love and it abides in us and becomes a part of us.  Feelings without thought and reason can lead us down an unhealthy path, but feelings can also open us up to new opportunities.

What if we change our focus from the feelings that control us to feeling the life we now have?  That is, to be all in and embrace the life we now have.  It is not the life you originally chose or dreamed of having, but it is the life you now have.  Feel the life.  Feel the new experiences.  Feel the new you.  Allow yourself to feel – to feel good, to feel love, to feel joy, to feel hope.  We tend to focus on the negative feelings in grief and remember only how we used to feel.  We focus on feeling so alone.  Grief leaves us alone.  It is a real feeling, and we live in this loneliness.  What if on the journey somewhere, we chose to feel life again?  We may not see it right now, but we are called to live by faith.  Trust God will help you feel life and live into it.

Discombobulated Life

“Peace, I leave with you; my peace I give you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”  John 14:27

I recently talked with a widow who described her current emotion as agitation.  I consulted the dictionary for a definition and found numerous words describing what it means to be agitated - flustered, ruffled, perturbed, disturbed, unsettled, bothered, troubled, jittery, and beside oneself.  But the one word that jumped off the page to me was “discombobulated.”  Not a word we use daily, but a word that describes the confusion and agitation that comes with life situations and grief.

I have felt discombobulated on the journey not knowing which direction to go and how to take the next steps into this different life.  I have been confused by why God would bless me so much and then it be taken away.  Upset by a new path that did not go where I thought it would go.  Troubled that I was back into this lonely space again only to be rattled by a new possibility to live into a different and unexpected life.

Discombobulated is a unique word to spell and pronounce (I keep writing it so you can keep saying it).  It represents how unique and difficult this journey can be when life does not go as planned.  Even as we begin to accept that “it is what it is,” new situations occur that confuse us.  It is knowing God is working in our lives and has a plan, but we feel unsettled as we wait and attempt to figure out this new chapter.

When we are discombobulated, we are confused and unsettled.  We know life will never be the same.  The unsettling is more within us.  My soul begins to feel the depth of change, and I long for peace to reside deep within me.  We are unsettled with who we are and who we are becoming.  We may not even recognize ourselves in the mirror or how we are currently existing.  Our head knows there is more to life than just existing, but our heart struggles with letting go and releasing the past.  We become irritated at others who have the life we desire or those who constantly talk about their past as if we did not experience a deep loss too.

As I have walked into this new chapter of life, I have been flustered in how to deal with other people’s past and emotions toward loved ones.  I get perturbed and have had to accept some things will never change.  How others deal with grief and hold on to certain things can rattle you and lead to questioning yourself.  Are you being too pushy or too sensitive?  When you tell someone, it bothers you and they still do it or do not change it, I am learning to let it go and change my focus.  We are unsettled in the process of leaving the past and all that it represents.  It takes time to find the peace of the present and to live in the now and focus forward.

Jesus comes to give us peace.  The opposite of agitation and discombobulated is calmness and peace.  This is our heart’s desire to find peace and calm in this new life.  The only way I have found to do this, is to change my focus from the pain and loss to Jesus and his presence.  I cannot change the past, but I can accept and release myself to live in the present.  My focus is to glorify God and be who God created me to be.  To find every day something to be thankful for and to settle my soul in the One who is always present with me – Jesus. 

Navigating The Unknown

“You have hard these things; look at them all.  Will you not admit them?  From now on I will tell you of new things, of hidden things unknown to you.”   Isaiah 48:6

I visited the National Cemetery in Culpeper, Virginia.  The white grave markers lined the rolling hillside.  One section had 912 numbered markers of unknown soldiers killed in the Civil War.  A hushed silence filled the air as I walked among the markers.  No names were on the stones – just numbers.  These soldiers were unknown to the world as they were buried but known to God.  They each had a name and a family, but at death, no earthly marker designated their existence.  Their remains were given the respect of burial, but their legacy was not recorded.

I then attended a wedding where I did not know the bride or groom.  I knew only three people at the ceremony initially.  I had to navigate the unknown and figure out relationships and how to interact in this different space.  My personality is just to talk to people and ask questions about them.  They begin to share, and I begin to learn about new people.  I am comfortable meeting new people and adapting to most social situations.  This has developed over time and experience. 

Navigating the unknown of life after a death is a difficult step on the journey of grief.  The life we have known is gone, and we feel different.  We feel like the world does not know who we are now.  We are expected to continue living the life we have been living before our lives were turned upside down.  It is impossible to find security and safety on this path anymore.  The one who helped us navigate is no longer here.  We have to walk alone.  We fear messing it up or choosing the wrong path.

As I have discovered on my own journey, navigating family and familiar relationships is now different.  We begin certain relationships because of our loved one and now when our loved one is not present and at the center of these relationships, we wonder how the connection will continue.  For some, we decide if the season of togetherness is complete. They were part of our past and were more connected to our loved one. For others, we need to make the connection about ourselves, not our loved one.  We need to develop our own relationship.  We get to choose how and if we continue to be involved in these relationships.

In the case of in-laws, we may ask, “Am I still part of the family?”  You may experience the letting go because you are not “blood” related.  This is when you take God’s hand and release them.  You give thanks for the season of life and move forward with other relationships.  You will grieve this change and then need to navigate through the emotions of another loss.  For others, they will still regard you as family, but you will feel different without your loved one present amid this relationship.  It is the unknown again.  So you focus on each event and make the choice whether to be involved or not.  You take one step at a time into the present and future and determine which relationships are healthy for you.  Remember, your life has dramatically changed in the dailyness of life while their lives are affected but not on a daily basis.  You need to choose who is healthy for you, and who enhances your life.

I have learned my relationship with God has changed too.  I rely even more on God for all the unknowns.  God is my safety and security and my guide who helps to navigate through this different life.  God assures me that He will always be with me.  I have a choice who I allow in my heart and life.  I have a choice to close relationships and recognize they were part of my life for a season.  I get to choose when and with whom I interact and share life.  Sometimes, I have to navigate these unknown areas of relationships and life, but I know God will be my guide and my security.  Even if I do not know, God does. I trust Him.

Foundation Shifting

“So then, brothers and sisters, stand firm and hold fast to the traditions that you were taught by us, either by word of mouth or by our letter.” 2 Thessalonians 2:15

I officiated at the burial of the cremains of my dear friend, Ray and his wife.  Ray has been a signpost in my life, guiding me and encouraging me in ministry.  I walked the journey with both of them into Heaven.  As the taps were played and the American flag was folded, I felt the closure of Ray’s life on earth.  His body was now contained in the urn as ashes, and it returned to the earth.  My foundation of life feels stronger knowing Ray’s body is part of this earth, but his spirit and love are added to my heart and spirit.  My foundation is firmer with each saint I release to Heaven.

While the sadness of loss is intense and inevitable each time, I am thankful to have loved and connected with dear saints.  I am beginning to understand that who I am and the strength and confidence I have is based on all the people who are part of my foundation.  Their love, legacy, and influence mixes within me, and I stand firmer in the face of life. 

After the burial, I visited the cemetery where my husband, Dave is buried.  As I stood beside the grave, I realized the sadness had turned to thanksgiving.  He is part of my firm foundation of life.  I know I will never sink because of his love and influence that has made me a stronger and more confident person.  I also visited the grave of my dear friend, Ruth, who instilled in me independence, a strong voice, and a joy for life.  My foundation is stronger and more resilient because of Ruth.  I miss each one but give thanks for their life.  Therefore, the sadness of my grief has turned into the joy of thankfulness.

As I mourn and give thanks for one life and released him to Heaven, I received the call that two other friends from my years in ministry are beginning the journey to Heaven.  I also have begun the grief journey with several who have recently lost their spouse.  My view of grief continues to evolve and change over the years of experience.  Grief is the emotion of loss.  The intensity of grief changes through the journey.  As we release our loved one and allow them to be part of our foundation of life, the grief transforms into thanksgiving.  We give thanks for the privilege of our loved one being in our life and adding to the meaning and purpose of life.

As our foundation is filled with all this love from those who have touched our lives, we begin to take steps into life having a sturdy foundation to support us.  I find myself willing to try new adventures because of this firm foundation of love and support.  I know I am never alone.  Those who have poured their life and love into me have also had Jesus as their foundation which has drawn me even close to Jesus.  Jesus is the solid rock upon which I stand.  My foundation for life is firm and rooted deep in Jesus and in all those whom I have loved.

Grief turns us upside down, and it feels like we are sinking with no sure footing or foundation.  Nothing feels right.  Nothing is normal.  It seems too difficult to take steps each day so we exist in the same place.  As reality of life gets clearer and we begin to accept that life will be different, we can begin to live in this different.  As we do, we take a step and feel the foundation of love that was always there but now is firmer because our loved one is now a part of this foundation.  We see it clearer and am willing to take steps into living.  We begin to build a new and different life on this love foundation.  Grief is turned upside down and we have a firm foundation with Jesus and the love of all those who have influenced and poured life into us.  Begin walking forward on this foundation of love.

Grieving Into Hope

“But we are hoping for something we do not have yet, and we are waiting for it patiently.”  Romans 8:25

My niece texted me and asked for my Grandma’s Pineapple cookie recipe.  Immediately, I could smell and taste those delicious morsels, and they always had her special touch – her homemade glaze.  The day was beautiful with a blue sky and white fluffy clouds as we walked the park.  I gazed into the sky and the cloud above me looked like a dog lying on its back with its feet in the air, and I thought of my mom and how she taught me to look for shapes in the clouds.  I read the obituary of a Sturtz cousin and felt her love and the legacy she passed on to everyone she touched.  She made a difference in this world. 

All of these memories filled me with hope and made me smile.  While I miss my mom and Grandma, I no longer feel the deep pain of loss and grief.  When I think of them, I feel their love and recognize their influence and the foundation of my life that is built on their faith and love.  The legacy of their lives is reflected in my life.  Their lives have given me hope.

In the journey of grief, we have moments we lift ourselves out of the depth of sorrow and loneliness and revealed to us is a hope of a hope.  The cloudiness of grief parts for a moment and we see a possibility of hope.  We may not feel hopeful at that moment, but we know someday hope will come into our life.  Someday we will look forward to living moments with meaning and purpose.

As the journey continues, we deal with the stuff of life and our loved one’s possessions.  We may create a memory box of little treasures from our loved one’s life.  These mementos remind us they lived, and we experienced life with them.  We also have an emotional memory box filled with so many feelings.  These come out of the box at times from the triggers of life.  This box is filled with layers of sadness, the past, grief and lined with loneliness.  It is a box we live in for a period of time.  The box has no hope.  It just pulls us into a deep longing for the past.  It creates an emptiness within us.  All the emotions in the box define the intensity of grief.  The emotional box defines us for a period of time.  It is familiar and how we believe we keep our loved one alive within us.  We stay stuck here and exist as if this is all there is to life.

Then we get a glimpse of a moment of hope – a moment where we see life could be different.  That hope of a hope emerges as we attempt to go through grief and leave it in the past.  But how do we get through the darkness and depth of grief and experience light and hope?

For me, the only way has been to walk closer to God each day.  It is trusting God is with me even when I do not feel His presence.  It is believing God is comforting me, giving me rest, and re-focusing my life.  It is beginning to take steps into living.  It is seeing that life can be different and still have meaning and purpose.  It is releasing my husband to live in Heaven and closing the emotional box of pain.  I know there will be moments of emotion the rest of my life, and the box will be opened but just for moments.  I no longer exist in the past but live in the present with hope.  It is finding who I am now.  I am further down the path of life because of those I have loved who have influenced and poured into me.

I am beginning to comprehend that the opposite of deep grief is hope.  Hope is looking forward to something I expect to happen.  I now expect God to walk with me each day and help me live in the present.  Life is different.  I do not need to stay in the intensity of grief and despair.  I am not betraying my loved one.  I am acknowledging a completion of life and a change in location to Heaven for my loved one.  I am getting out of the emotional box of grief and focusing on the hope of life.

Whispering The Sound of Silence

“It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.  Let him sit alone in silence when he has laid it on him.”   Lamentations 3:26, 28

My morning run is my prayer time.  I talk and listen to God in this quiet time.  Last week God gave me a song.   A song I have not thought about in years nor have I listened to in a long time.  It was “The Sound of Silence” by Simon and Garfunkel.   The first verse states –

“Hello darkness, my old friend

I’ve come to talk with you again

Because a vision softly creeping

Left its seeds while I was sleeping

And the vision that was planted in my brain still remains

Within the sound of silence 

Silence – the absence of sound.  It is the avoidance of mentioning or discussing something.  Silence is the state of standing still.  Grief is filled with silence.  Our lives have been silenced to what we have known and desired.  It feels like we are standing still as we grieve because nothing seems to change or get better.  We still miss our loved one.  We still feel the sadness and aloneness.  Avoidance surrounds our silence.

The darkness of grief becomes familiar like an old friend.  We do not like the darkness that grief brings into our lives, but it connects us to our past life.  Darkness becomes easier to tolerate when we exist only in the past.  Soon it becomes a familiar friend – the place we retreat to each day as we attempt to remember our past life and recreate the memories.  We exist in this darkness not knowing there could be light.  We silence all our emotions except for sadness and pain.  We just exist in the emotional darkness.

The song states “no one dared disturb the sound of silence.”  This is the journey of grief that is difficult to navigate.  How do we disturb this silence?  A silence that has become a friend but no longer is comforting.  The whispers begin within us.  How do we communicate what is really going on inside of us and move beyond what we think we are supposed to feel and be or what others think  and admit to ourselves who we really are and what we now desire in life.  The sound of silence is our lack of communication with ourselves.  The whisper that is deep within our souls.

We hear sounds around us.  People voicing their opinions and suggestions on how we should think and feel and live.  We listen to others on the journey and hear the words of wisdom and experience, but how do we disturb our own inner silence? 

There is a vision within our souls that remains through grief.  A vision of hope amid the darkness and sadness.  A hope to live again.  We silence this hope because it seems impossible to experience life without our loved one, but the dream remains.  We exist through days of loneliness, emptiness and rehearsing over and over again our past.  The memories remain.  The life we lived is completed.  We desire to live into this different life.  We see other people living and enjoying life but to disturb our inner silence seems impossible.

Then an inner whisper is heard – “there is more to life.”  I believe God’s Spirit whispers in our souls and brings light into our darkness and hope into our sadness.  The whisper calls us to rest in God’s presence.  The sound of silence is a rest from the pain and grief and a gentle whisper of hope.  The whisper comes from within us.  It has been planted in our brain from God that there is more to this life.  Listen to the sound of silence within you.

Too Close The Same

“If anyone belongs to Christ, there is a new creation.  The old things have gone; everything is made new.”   2 Corinthians 5:17

In my recent updates of my condo, I chose paint colors based on the name of the paint and how it would accentuate my furnishings.  Recently, I was looking through pictures of a previous house, and I realized I had chosen close to the same colors of paint.  It was familiar and comfortable before and it continues to be what fits my style.  When I went shopping, I tend to purchase clothes at the same stores and about the same color and style. 

When I began the grief journey, I found it easier to go to the grocery store and buy the same items each week and eat the same meals over the first several months.  It was mostly healthy foods.  I did not have to make any decisions.  It was familiar and I was fine eating the same thing each day.  I found myself trying to keep the same routine and lifestyle.  It kept me close to the same life I had known.  It was familiar.  The familiarity made it feel like my husband was still with me and I was attempting to live in the past in my present life.  Our grief desires to stay close to the same life we have always known.  This only leads to even more emptiness and pain because no matter how much we try; nothing is the same.

As I have journeyed further down the road, I have come to realize that trying to keep my life too close to the past brings so much more pain because I can never recreate it.  I have learned that different is not bad, it is just different.  My life will never be the same, and I have come to accept that fact.  I also have come to realize I do not want to live close to the same.  When I experience something too close to the same as it was with y husband, it feels like I am betraying the relationship I had.  He has enhanced my life and helped me become who I am now, but the path with him is complete.  I am no longer walking that same path.  I have turned onto another path on this journey of life.

In developing new relationships on this journey, you cannot take one out and insert another and do the same thing.  It will not work.  It will cause frustration, pain, and heartache, and you will feel uneasy and uncomfortable.  Feelings of jealousy may also enter the situation.  It is creating a new and different life and going down a different path.

When we accept Jesus as our Lord and Savior, we become a new creation as Paul states in 2 Corinthians.  The old has past, and we are made new.  We cannot stay too close to the same or we will revert back to our old way of life and Jesus will no longer be the center of our lives. 

Therefore, on our grief journey as we attempt to live into life, we need to try new experiences, adventures, and relationships.  When it is too close to the same we compare, feel like we are leaving out our loved one, and we place guilt on ourselves for even trying a new life.  Give yourself permission to be a new creation.  You will never be the same so why not take a step into the different and live a new life.  Your loved one is part of who you are.  God will walk beside you.  When you get too close the same, you will know that you want to treasure that experience and not repeat it.  Take a step in a different direction and try living in today not the past.

Permeated With Peace

“The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace.”  Psalm 29:11

This past week I ran in the rain.  It began as a gentle rain, but then turned into a downpour part way into the run.  I was already soaked so I continued running.  I heard the thunder in the distance and as I arrived home, I saw the lightning on the horizon. It was quite the storm when I looked outside my window.  I was thankful to be home and to make it safely through the storm.  It was a choice for me to run, but not a choice to encounter the downpour.  It was just a part of the journey.  My clothes were soaked, and the dampness permeated through to my skin.  It took all day for my shoes to dry. 

As I was running, a song was playing in my mind – “I Can See Clearly Now” –

“I can see clearly now the rain is gone

I can see all obstacles in my way

Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind

It’s gonna be a bright, bright sun shiny day.” 

I wondered why God had given me this song amid the pouring rain.  As I pondered this, I knew the rain would end sometime in the day and the sun would shine again.  It reminded me of the journey of grief.  Grief permeates our souls and soaks through every fiber of our being.  Every part of our lives is affected by this deep loss and pain.  The cloud of darkness blinds us to living and having any hope of a normal life.  We attempt to follow our old routine, and all the obstacles get in our way.  We feel overwhelmed.  It feels like the clouds will always be present without any hope of a bright, sunny day within our souls.

Sometimes we need to allow the rain of grief to permeate our souls and feel the pain and loss.  It will soak through our body and fill us with fear and a lack of focus.  The idea we will ever be happy and find hope and brightness in life, seems far beyond our reach. We will just be soaked in the sadness for the rest of our lives.  Give yourself permission to feel the grief and loss and sadness.  Allow it to permeate your soul.  You have loved deeply and been given the gift of experiencing love.  The love has soaked through you, and you have absorbed this love into the foundation of your being.  It is a part of who you are.

Now, on the journey you begin to recognize that the clouds and fog of grief are beginning to lift, and you are attempting to see life beyond the obstacles and hurts and intense pain of being alone in your grief.  God is permeating your soul with His love and His peace.  You long for peace – a contentment in the life you now have.  Peace does not mean everything is fine.  Peace just means you allow God’s Spirit to “soak” you with His presence amid the uncertainties of life.  Peace is changing your focus from the pain and loss to God’s presence.  It is attempting to live in moments.  To live in the present knowing God is with you.  It does not mean you forget the gift of love and the memories.  It just means you allow God’s presence and peace to run through your life.  This is the life you now have.  Allow God to walk with you and fill you with His presence and peace.  Your life is different now and how you feel and see life is different.  Find peace in this difference.  Allow the peace of God to permeate your soul.

Thoughts At The Beach (Copy)

“GOD called the dry ground land and the gatherrdnwatersnhe called seas. And Godmsaw that it was good.” Genesis 1:10

As the sun rises in the east, the sky is filled with the glory of God. A new day has begun - a day with potential. Our attitude and outlook determine the day. Life is different and not what we expected it to be. This is the day that God has made and to rejoice in it means a change of focus. We cannot change the past and what has happened. We can only strive to live into today.

The beach has brought reflections to my soul. I have watched the waves crash on the shore smoothing the sand. Some waves are stronger and come quickly, while others come more gently, but they still come. Life keeps coming no matter what the storm. Life does not stop even though the storm of loss and heartache has occurred. The waves are always a part of the ocean just as grief and loss are a part of life. We just learn to accept it as part of love and life. We accept that waves will always happen because of the wind and the tides. It is part of what makes the ocean and beach. So if we accept grief and loss as part of life, we learn to live in it and through it. I watched the little birds run frantically up and down the beach trying to avoid the waves while searching for food. They seemed to be in such a hurry. Sometimes as we try to find our way, we attempt to keep so busy rushing from one thing to another, hoping it will fill the emptiness of our hearts. Sometimes we just need to slow down and rest and give ourselves permission to grieve, to refocus and to change the direction of our lives. Sometimes we need to take care of ourselves and make ourselves a priority. As I walked the beach, I encountered people sitting in beach chairs, under umbrellas not aware of me at all. Others were walking and passed by me or were coming toward me. Still others, mostly children and parents, were playing at the shore line where I was walking. Many of the children said hello and smiled and we had a moment of connection at the beach. This reminded me of trying to find a connection in this different life. Some people just go back to their own lives and ignore your struggle. Some people move farther away from you not knowing what to do or say. Others see you, acknowledge your loss and try to hurry you through it so that they don't have to feel the reality and hurt of loss. But others in their childlike care, provide a smile and kind word and connect with you for a moment on the journey. The sunshine has warmed my body and soul. Just as God's Son, Jesus, walks with us on the journey filling us with His presence and connecting with us in our present moment. The Beach speaks of God's presence and beauty in the storms of life. God walks with us as we leave our footprints in the sand and in life. Trust as the waves move in you that God is with you in this day and moment. Look for thr beauty in the memories and in the life you now have. Live into this different life.

Living Into Life

“This is how God showed his love to us:  He sent his one and only Son into the world so that we could have life through him.”    I John 4:9

I shared dinner with my siblings this past week, and we talked about memories of growing up.  We each had different memories and our perspective on events had a different slant, but we laughed together as we shared these memories of our childhood.  I was asked by a friend this week what were my earliest memories of childhood.  My first thoughts were of my Grandma and her home.  I immediately could walk in my mind through my Grandma’s house and see everything on the walls, the furniture, her chair with her Bible beside it, all her salt and pepper shakers in her china cabinet, her kitchen and the cookie container.  I could even smell her homemade soap, her cookies, and the smell of spring through her windows.  The memories of my Grandma and her house filled me with happiness and a feeling of comfort.  I loved my Grandma and continue to love her in my heart.  I was living for a moment in these memories, and they filled me with life and joy.

Oh, the memories that flood our souls as we think of our loved ones.  We remember life with them, and the challenges shared that created this life.  It was a life, and we were living in it believing this would be our life forever.   Then life changed.  Our hopes and dreams were shattered.  We will no longer live that life. 

Our grief slows down our living, and we exist and survive moment by moment for awhile.  It takes everything within us to just make it through the day and complete the necessary tasks of life.  We are walking an unfamiliar path without focus and purpose.  We feel alone wondering haphazardly through the maze of each day.  We are surviving barely without meaning and purpose, but we have a routine to follow and think that should be enough.  We are existing.

In this journey, we begin to believe just existing in survival mode is not enough.  We desire to live, but all we know is the life we used to have, and it does not exist.  Living to us means the life we had with our loved one.  Living is more than the past; it is also the present.  We need to live in moments, to allow ourselves moments of actual living.  Living means we are present in what is happening around us, and we are present with people and with ourselves.  We can live even if we are alone because we are never alone.  God is always with us.  God is always living in us, around us and goes before us.

As we journey further down the road and ponder the idea of living into life again, we wonder how we take this step.  We have a desire to not just exist in our old routine, but it has become so familiar though empty.  We want to live into life, but taking the risk seems so overwhelming.  We may even begin thinking about things we want to do and places we want to visit and people we want to see.  It is like a “bucket list” toward living the life you now have.  It is not the life you chose, but the memories of the past can still fill your heart with joy.  These memories are alive in you.  They give you life and hope and joy if you allow these memories to focus you forward not just back into the sorrow and loss.

Living into life means taking steps no matter how small to experience this different life.  It is moving toward new opportunities and challenges.  It is holding God’s hand as you navigate a new path in life.  It is taking the memories and experiences of your life with you as your foundation and building upon them.  Living into life will take you in a new direction and God will lead you.  Just take His hand.