Underbrush of Life

“So we do not lose heart.  Even though our outer nature is wasting away, our inner nature is being renewed day by day.”   2 Corinthians 4:16 RSV

My dog, Annie and I took a walk at a park recently.  The tall trees were bare, and their leaves covered the forest floor.  The underbrush was full of color and radiated in the sunlight.  Because the leaves were gone on the trees, the sunlight could penetrate through them and shine on the plants below.  The underbrush is what is beneath the huge trees and closest to the ground.  It grows first in the Spring and is the last to lose its color in the Fall.

Life has underbrush in many ways.  Sometimes we focus only on the outward appearance – what we can see – and do not look for the beauty and depth underneath.  Sometimes we only focus on the busyness of life not on what is inside our hearts.  We can miss the beauty of the situation or the person when we only have an outward focus, and when we are only looking for outward beauty.

As I thought about underbrush, the word underlying came to mind, too.  Underlying is something implied though not directly expressed.  It lies beneath and is not obvious, but it can be the cause of the issue or situation.  Underlying is asking, “What is causing me to feel this way?”  “Why am I angry, sad, afraid?”  “Why is he acting like that or why is she crying?”  When we have a stomachache, we ask ourselves, “What did I eat that may have upset it?  Or am I worried and upset about something that is affecting my stomach?”  This is how we interpret underlying in our daily lives. It is not something we immediately are aware of but can cause how we are feeling and experiencing life.

The underlying cause of sadness and anxiety may be the loss of the person who brought joy and security to life.  You appear to function outwardly but inwardly hidden in the underbrush, you are overwhelmed and do not know how to take steps into this different life.  You attempt living in the moment but underneath it may feel fake and empty.  When I feel like something is different or I’m not quite myself, I begin to process what is going on inside myself.  I search for what is bothering me, irritating me, what has changed, and what is the cause or root of these different feelings.  It is admitting I feel this way because of this underlying issue or feeling.  It is then talking myself through it with God.

As you think about your life and how you feel, there is something underlying that may be keeping you from finding peace and contentment in what you now have.  You may name it anxiety or fear.  But what is causing this anxiety and fear to flood your thoughts and feelings?  Sometimes with fear it is not wanting to be alone and afraid this is how life will always be.  It may be the loss of your safety and security.  Life did not turn out like you had expected which is the cause of your negativity, fear, or anxiousness.

We tend to go too far out in planning and figuring out what will happen.  The underlying cause of anxiety is focusing too far into the future and trying to fix and plan for every possible scenario.  It is worrying about everything and believing if you worry about it, you can prevent the bad from happening.  This is what is feeding the anxiety and fear.  It is bringing yourself back to the present, looking around you, and finding fulfillment in these moments.  We need to give God the future and try staying more in the present.  It is acknowledging where these feelings come from and releasing their control over to God.

So is there anything under these feelings and thoughts?I believe there is.It is our faith and belief in God.God is always under us, holding us up and preventing us from sinking into hopelessness.It is trusting even when we are afraid, even when we do not feel or sense God’s presence.It is saying, “God you got this, and you got me.I am going to trust you.”

Memories of Thanksgiving

“O give thanks to the Lord, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever.” Psalm 136:1

I had dinner last week with my siblings.  I am thankful that each month we share a meal, and we enjoy being together.  We share our experiences and memories of the past.  I know I am blessed to have siblings, to get along with them, and to want to be connected as a family.  I began to reflect on each one of them and how alike and how different we are.  We share the strong foundation of our Christian faith, the love of family and traditions, our work ethic, and the love of the land.  My two oldest brothers enjoy farming, tractors, and have the ability to fix and build.  My sister has the gift to sew and quilt and is very talented.  My other brother has the gift of gardening and growing the best salad mix!  My siblings have many other gifts, but today I give thanks for these gifts.

As I shared with a grief support group in my hometown, I gave thanks for the memories of living there and the people who were part of my life.  My cousin was at the group, and I was thankful for her family and the memories I have growing up.  While I miss their love and presence, I have moved my focus from missing them to being thankful for the wonderful memories I have of them.  I give thanks for their lives and influence.

When someone comes to my mind, I am learning to thank God for their life.  If they are in Heaven, I pause to say a prayer of thanksgiving and try to remember something special about them.  For instance, I remember Charles and Frances from Cincinnati who always smiled while I preached.  They invited me to dinner and held a special place in my heart.  I remember Marie who was my neighbor in Celina and how she was learning to play the piano in her eighties.  I remember Ruth who adopted me as her granddaughter and was my support in my grief.  I give thanks to God for each of them who are now in Heaven.  When I am thankful for people in my life, I try to send a note or text to let them know I am thankful for their friendship and love.

We miss our loved ones and live in the sadness that we are no longer sharing life with them.  We have memories of their lives and love and the difference they made in our lives.  I believe over time we move from this sadness of existing in the loneliness and hurt and darkness, and we begin living in the memories.  I think this transition occurs by being thankful.  When we turn from the negativity and begin being grateful for the privilege of having our loved one in our life and the opportunity to love, learn, and grow because of them, we start living our lives more fully and seeing the good.  Some people have a more negative slant on life but desire to be more positive.  To change a perspective on life occurs through the process of being thankful.

I am thankful for the cloud of witnesses that are around me.  That is, for the people I have loved and are now in Heaven.  I miss them but I am more focused now on being thankful they were in my life, and I treasure the memories.  I am focusing more on the difference they made in my life and what I learned from them.  I give thanks to God for the privilege of having them in my life.

As November begins, I challenge each of you to focus on being thankful.  No matter how you feel, where you are in your grief or your circumstances in life, there is always something you can give thanks.  Let us write down each day in November three things you give God thanks.  You can start with being thankful for breathing, the blue sky, and the ability to read these words.  Hey, I just got you started with your November Thanks List!  Focus on being thankful.

Cone of Protection

“But let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them ever sing for joy.  Spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may rejoice in you.”  Psalm 5:11 NIV

My dog, Annie, now has a plastic collar better known as the “cone of shame.”  Her paw is infected and needs air to heal, but she will not stop licking it.  So she wears the cone of shame for all to see.  She bumps into walls and furniture trying to maneuver around the house.  I have had to put a boot on her paw and take the cone off so she can eat, drink, and go outside.  She looks so pitiful and uncomfortable.  Her eyes are sad with pain.  I know this is necessary to heal her paw.  It is temporary but necessary.

As I look at Anne trying to sleep on her blanket with her plastic collar, I think of how similar we are to Annie with our own “cones of pain.”  Most are invisible to others.  The “cone” keeps us focused only on ourselves and all we see and feel is our pain and the overwhelming situation and misery.  The focus of our life is survival in the pain or situation.  Annie is self-focused too. When she is wearing the collar, she is not aware of what is around her.  She is whimpering in her own pain.

The hurt and pain of our life gets in the way of living fully in the present.  There are a variety of “cones” we wear that cause emotional pain. The cone of anxiety focuses on everything in the future – the worry of how we will get all the tasks done and how they will turn out and if we will please all those involved.  We have tunnel vision and only see everything in the future without living in the moment and enjoying the present.  The cone of anger focuses only on what or who caused the hurt without looking inward and processing the pain and releasing it.  The cone of being overwhelmed causes the pain of feeling like you are responsible for everything and everyone’s happiness.  You are exhausted but fear you will let someone down if you do not focus on doing everything perfectly in the next month.  Oh, there are so many more cones we place around us – the cone of fear, hurt, grief, loneliness, and the list goes on and on.

What if we changed the cone to a positive?  It could be a cone of protection. The cone protects Annie from herself and allows her paw to heal.  Annie has begun to lay her head down in the cone and lay on her blanket and rest.  She no longer can reach her paw nor see it, so she rests.  She only sees what the cone allows her to which is what is right in front of her and not her paw.  What if we just lived right in front of us?

The cone could represent God’s protection in our pain.  Just like I am protecting Anne so she can heal, God protects us by reminding us to live in His Presence and not focus on the worries and fears of this world.  It also reminds us when we are in pain and filled with sorrow, we can only deal with small amounts of reality at a time.   Then God protects us until we are strong and have healed more.  Soon the protection may not be visible, but we are healing and learning not to keep chewing on the hurt and re-opening the wound.  Our awareness of God’s protection and Presence becomes our focus, not the pain and hurt.

When Annie’s cone comes off permanently, her paw will be healed, and the hope is that she will leave her paw alone and not cause the paw to hurt.  God’s protection never leaves us, but He releases us to live within His guidance.  Sometimes, even when we have experienced His constant care and protection, we venture on our own feeling we can handle life without recognizing or accepting His guidance and continued protection.

Because we have experienced pain, sorrow, hurt or loss, and God has been our protection, it affirms we need God’s protective care even in the good times.  Even when we think we got it.  I can get lost on my own and revert back to unhealthy ways like my dog and focus on a past hurt and open a wound that has been healed and released.  Keep your focus daily on God’s protective care.  Sometimes, God protects us from our own self when we desire to handle it by ourselves.  God loves you and walks with you.  Allow God’s protection to surround you.

Gnawings of Life

“He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds.”  Psalm 147:3

My dog, Annie, has a sore paw.  After one of our long walks, she began licking her right front paw and made it red and sore.  She would not stop licking and chewing on it, and it made her sick.  She vomited one early morning for several hours because of it.  I had to wrap her paw to keep her from gnawing on it and making it worse.  She could not stop.  She now has a little pink boot on her paw.  I clean and soak it each evening.  She is obsessed with the paw and as soon as I unwrap it, she tries to lick and chew on it.  She does not realize what is good for her – that healing can only happen if she stops gnawing on the sore paw.  I want to help her heal, but she does not like what I need to do to bring the healing.

The similarities to life and Annie’s paw struck me as I talked with someone in the depth of grief again.  Life happens unexpectedly as we are just trying to walk the normal everyday path of life.  We experience the intensity of pain and hurt.  We are doing well and then cannot believe that life just blows up around us.  Our first reaction is to try to fix everything on our own.  That is, to lick our paw and smooth out life and heal everything ourselves. 

Sometimes we cover up our struggles in life and our grief by keeping busy and ignoring it.  We stuff it down inside with the hope if we do not acknowledge it, we cannot be hurt by it, and it will disappear.  We may feel the pain and grief, but we try to avoid feeling and facing reality, so we escape or turn inward and attempt to focus elsewhere.

But like my dog’s paw, the gnawing inside does not go away – the worries, the troubles, the anxiety, the grief - remains even when we cover it up.  We feel it, and it gnaws at every fiber of our being.  We feel the emptiness, the pain, and our desire is for it all to be healed and for life to be calm and peaceful even for a moment.

We attempt to figure out life on our own.  We tell ourselves, “I can fix this.”  “I can make life better.  I just need to work harder.”  But the more we try on our own, the more exhausted, lonely, and abandoned we feel.  We take on the responsibility that is not ours to do.  I believe, my dog, Annie, tells herself, “Just let me gnaw on my paw and I can heal it myself.”  It does not work for Annie, nor does it work for our lives.  Annie needs medication, healing time, and my assistance and expert medical care to heal her paw.  She also needs to release it and not do it herself.  We too, need rest, quiet time, and God.  Like Anne who does not like me messing with her paw and trying to help her heal, we do not turn to the One who can walk with us in each moment and give us peace and His Presence.

While we believe and know God is with us, we attempt to walk the journey of life alone especially in the struggles and sorrows of life.  God is the only one who can heal the gnawings of our lives and bandage our wounds.  We do not always like how God walks us through the rough times because we would prefer God just take us out of them and miraculously heal the brokenness.

So what are you gnawing on?  Are you gnawing on the past and living in the pain and regret?  Are you worried about the future and living in the fear and anxiety?  Are you gnawing at trying to heal yourself and your situation?  God is the great healer.  He promises to bandage our wounds.  God will give us comfort in our sorrow and troubles.  He will not take us out of them but through them if we will surrender to His leading and healing.  Start gnawing on God’s Word and His promises.

Live Forgiven

“Then hear from heaven and forgive the sins of your servants, your people Israel.  Teach them the right way to live.”   2 Chronicles 6:27 NIV

Last week I sat on the front pew of a church from my childhood at a family funeral.  Memories flooded my mind of this dear family, those who were a part of the church family and are now in Heaven, and the foundation of faith and love these believers gave to me.  Then I thought of myself as a teenager and what I experienced then and what I still wish I could change.  I thought of the events and situations of my life that I keep asking for God’s forgiveness.  In that moment, I realized I am no longer that girl so why live in the pain and sorrow of the past.  The past is the past.  It is part of my foundation that I have experienced and learned from, but I do not need to stay in those feelings and pain.

I then heard the song – “Live Forgiven” by Gordon Mote.  A portion of the song states –

We are free, when we don’t know it

We are loved, when we can’t believe it

The past is broken, the cross has spoken

Live forgiven, live forgiven 

There’s more mercy there than we could ever fathom

Live forgiven 

As a Christian, we know we are loved, we are free from the bondage of sin through Jesus’ death on the cross.  The past is not in control, and we have been released from the sin.  We are not the child or the adult that messed up.  We still punish ourselves even though we say Jesus has paid the price for our sin.  We live as if we still need to suffer the consequences and pay the price.  We live as if we need to earn God’s love and the love of others. 

We are “scarred and scared” and keep our failures and how we view ourselves hidden from the world.  We pretend we have it all together and are living in God’s grace.  But inside we are negative about ourselves, filled with worry someone will find out our past or someone will see that we are existing in the grief and are not dealing well with this different life.

We continue to see our sins and flaws not God’s love and grace. We feel guilty we do not do enough or feel we should be stronger or further down the path.  STOP!  God loves you as His child not because of what you have done but because of whose you are – His beloved child.  Everything we have ever done wrong or not done, He forgives us.  We confess and God forgives and does not hold it against us.  That’s grace.  That is God’s part – He loves, He forgives, He does not hold it against us.  He is with us.  Our part – LIVE.  To live is to breath, to remain alive with vigor and energy.  To be fully present in the moment not to just exist and take up space.  To experience the moment. 

As we are walking through the struggles, the disappointments and the losses of life, it feels like time stops for a while.  We go through the motions, but we are not living.  Living does not mean everything is wonderful.  Living is more about our attitude and outlook on life.  It involves trust, belief, acceptance, and movement.  It is living in the pain.  Living in the hurt.  Living in the grief.  We cannot deny the struggles of life, but they do not need to consume us to the point we stop living.

It is finding moments when we recognize life – the sunrise, the blue sky, the stars, the smile of a child, the smell of fresh baked cookies, and the fellowship of a friend.  Life may not be what you expected or wished, but it is the life you now have.  Live forgiven.  Forgive yourself.  Live the life you now have and who you now are.  Live in God’s grace and presence. Living means living close to Jesus.  It is being aware that God is with you.  You live in the relationship with God as your focus, not the problems and difficulties and sorrow of life.   Live in the moments.  The key is to find a way to live.  Begin living into the life you now have.

Reflections at the Barn

“The Lord your God will bless you with full barns, and he will bless everything you do.  He will bless the land he is giving you.”    Deuteronomy 29:8

I walked through what was left of the barn on the farm I was raised and where one of my brothers currently lives.  Part of the barn was destroyed several years ago by straight lined winds.  My brother has built around the original structure.  As I walked through the barn, the smells triggered memories of childhood.  I remembered feeding the sheep and the cows.  I remembered my first experience of helping to birth a lamb in the barn.  A portion of the hayloft where we stored the hay and straw remained.  I recalled cleaning out the barn and playing in the hayloft.  The memories were of hard labor and of fun.  Now I am thankful to have been raised on the farm where I received an appreciation of God’s creation – the animals and the land.

The barn provided shelter for the animals, it stored food for them, and was a place to milk the cows which supplied milk for my family and gave us an income.  Even the storms of nature could not completely destroy the barn.  Even if it had, the memories and the lessons learned from the barn would always remain.  The barn is no longer a place for animals, but it stores machinery and vehicles and some stuff.  Its purpose has changed, but it is still a barn.  The foundation of the barn remained strong even through the storms of life.

This past week, a cousin died who was part of my childhood.  I remember spending time on the farm he was raised and being in the barn as the cows were milked.  The farm and the barn represent the memories of my cousin and his family.  The barn reminded me of his love for the land, tractors, and his respect for his parents who taught him to appreciate God’s creation and the blessings of God.

As I reflect on the barn of my childhood, I realize it has taught me about life, loss, and living in the different.  The journey of my life has been similar to this old structure.  My purpose was to first learn from my experiences on the farm and integrate them into the foundation of my life.  I experienced the cycle of life through the birth and death of animals in the barn.  I came to appreciate the work which instilled in me a strong work ethic.  The barn served its purpose over the years – more than 100 years.  I have been productive and served God through my ministry career.  The barn and I fulfilled our purpose and believed we would live this same life forever.

And then life changed for me and for the barn.  The winds tore the barn apart and loss ripped apart my life and changed me forever.  We both experienced a period of time where we felt exposed to the elements of life and lost our main purpose.  My brother restored the barn by building around it and giving it a purpose to store equipment.  God has walked me through the journey of grief to find a different life and purpose.  I, like the barn, have found a new meaning and purpose to life.  Our foundation remained even through the storms of life.

God brings us through the storms of life.  We have just witnessed the storms of Hurricane Ian which has brought devastation to an area of our country.  Grief and loss consume so many after this storm, but God is the one who brings us through the loss and gives us hope and comfort when it seems impossible.  God does not restore us to our past life or reinstate things to how they were, but God builds upon the foundation of our lives to create a different life that can bring fulfillment and blessings.

Even when life is different, it can be good and fulfilling with inner joy and contentment.  We cannot restore and re-create the past, but we can build on the foundation the past started for us.  The memories remain within our hearts just like my memories of the barn and my loved ones.  God calls you and me to live in the present and experience this different life knowing God walks right beside us encouraging us each step of the way.

Reverberation of Memories

“The wind blows wherever it pleases.  You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going.  So it is with everyone born of the Spirit.”   John 3:8 NIV

It seemed like a lifetime ago as I looked at the photo albums and recalled some of the memories and events surrounding the pictures.  It was another life – a different life and I was a different person as I looked at myself in some of them.  That was really me?  I have glimpses in my head and sometimes all those memories feel like they are rapidly cycling through all those years.  This past week marked seven years since my husband, Dave, went to Heaven.  I have the assurance he is living in Heaven without pain and is with Jesus.  I read the responses from people who remembered – “He was an inspiration.”  “His legacy will always live on.”  “He will not be forgotten.”  “He was such an influence in my life.”  It warmed my heart that he was not forgotten, and his life still reverberated in this world.

Reverberate means that the sound is repeated several times like an echo.  It is to reflect, resonate, or resound.  In relationship to a life, to reverberate means the echo of your life continues long after you have been released from this world.  While Dave’s voice is silent on earth, his legacy continues to reverberate.  His love and spirit travels in the silence of other people’s hearts and integrates into the foundation of their lives and decisions.

Today the wind is blowing strong, and I hear the roar of the wind.  I see the trees sway in the breeze and watch the leaves blow across the yard.  I see the effects of the wind and I hear how it causes the noise of the trees, but I cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going.  God’s Spirit works in our lives with the same effect.  We feel and see the effects but do not know where the Spirit will lead us.

As for the reverberations of our loved one, we do not know how their influence and legacy will continue in our own lives and in the lives they have touched while on earth, but it does continue.  What are the sounds of memories?  What does life sound like?  We know the sounds of laughter and tears.  The sounds of joy and sorrow.  The sounds of frustration and fun.  They are all mixed together in life.  But how does the sound of love continue in our lives? 

The reverberation of love is a quiet, gentle sound within the heart.  It is deep within the foundation of our soul.  I recognize it when I sit quietly in God’s presence and wonder how did I get to be who I am?  I have heard the love, felt the joy, and experienced the heartache and pain that has come from those I have loved.  I may not immediately recognize where it came from, but I have integrated their influence into my life and their legacy continues.  I feel the vibration of their influence touching my life and soul.  It resonates within me.

I am no longer living in the deep sadness of loss but focused on how my life has been influenced and enhanced because of the love I have experienced.  I am grateful for the journey.  Life took a different turn than I expected just like we cannot predict the direction of the wind.  The wind influences, changes, and redirects what is in its path.  Life changes in unpredictable ways.  Therefore, because of the changes and losses, we need to focus on the influence and legacy that reverberates from the loss and takes root in our lives.  The transfer is silent with barely a sound.  We could miss it in the noise of this world and the loudness of the pain.  It is in the quietness of our souls we give thanks and experience the reverberation from a life well lived.

The question then becomes is my life reverberating the love of Jesus to others?  Am I allowing the wind of the Spirit to blow through me and touch others just as I have been influenced and touched on this journey?

Fully Present in the Different

“Do not change yourselves to be like the people of this world but be changed within by a new way of thinking.”  Romans 12:2

Oh, the memories that flooded my mind as I attended the county fair in my hometown.  As a child, my family attended the fair every day.  It was a yearly tradition.  Yes, we wandered through all the buildings, watched the shows, but the most important part beside the fair food was visiting with friends and family.  It was seeing people and being in the moment that made the fair so special.  The focus was to enjoy everything about the week at the fair.

So, when I attended the fair this past week, I was focused on being present and just enjoy the food, the events, and the people I encountered.  I found out three of my nieces and nephews were going to be in the chicken scramble.  For those who do not know what a chicken scramble is – chickens are released in an arena and little children attempt to catch them.  If the child catches one, the chicken goes home with the child.  It was pure joy watching three- to six-year-old boys and girls chase chickens.  But what brought tears of joy was watching my 4-year-old nephew who is unable to walk, being guided by his mom with his legs kicking in the air and catching chicken after chicken.  His face lit up with a huge smile.  He was fully present in the moment.  It did not matter to him what was going on around him or his lack of ability to walk – he was having the time of his life.  His smile afterward when I talked with him was all I needed.  My purpose of being at the fair was fulfilled.  I experienced what it means to be fully present in the different.

Fully means completely to the furthest extent without reservation or hesitation.  Present is to be where your feet are and to focus on the now.  Not only are you physically present in the now, but your thoughts are right in front of you without any anxiety or thought of what will happen next.  Can you be fully present?

Life has taught me to be fully present.  Yes, I make plans and schedule clients and events, but I am learning to enjoy what is in front of me.  To slow down and not have to be busy planning the next event or way to live out God’s calling on my life.  I have spent most of my ministry trying to find ways of being active for God and how much could I accomplish for God each week.  Activity felt like I was fulfilling what God wanted for me.

Now in this season of life, I pray each day for God’s Spirit to fill me with His power and strength and lead me to what I am to do to glorify God.  Some days it is to praise God and rest in the beauty of creation and God’s presence.  Some days it is to take the hand of Jesus and walk with someone else on the journey.  Some days it is just to be – to be in the feelings and emotions of the journey, to be present and take the next step, to just be.

My life has been different the past seven years.  I am learning to lean more on Jesus on not be concerned with how other people judge my decisions.  Some of my decisions I have sought God’s direction and they have been good, and some have been learning and growing experiences.  I am letting go of worry and anxiety and living more in the present.  I desire to have the joy like my four-year-old nephew, Wyatt.  Even in the midst of sorrow and life not turning out like expected, I can be in the moment and find purpose and joy and be thankful.

We are not to conform to the world or to other people’s expectations.  Anxiety and worry come from trying to meet the expectations of others.  It is living too far into the future and not living in your own present life.  Even when life is different and not what we had planned or hoped, we can be fully present with God and find joy and peace and purpose.

The Mire of Disappointment

“I will give rest and strength to those who are weak and tired.”   Jeremiah 31:25

The weather forecast was for bright sunshine the next day, and I had some free time, so I planned to bike ride in the sunshine and soak up the rays.  Then the day arrived, and the clouds and the possibility of rain filled the sky.  I was disappointed.  I decided to run errands instead and then the sun came out.  I was disappointed I had not ridden my bike.  I ordered seating for my new office space and was excited to complete the room, but delivery had been delayed.  I was disappointed.  These are minor irritations of life out of my control.  I could allow them to ruin my day and outlook on life and see all of life as disappointing.

To be disappointed is to be sad or displeased because someone or something failed to fulfill your hope or expectations.  Life is filled with disappointments that leave you feeling discouraged, upset, disillusioned, and discontented.  When life keeps handing you these disappointments it becomes a mire.  A mire is the feeling of being stuck without seeing a way out.  It feels like you are stuck in the mud.  You are disappointed in how your life has turned out.  It is not what you planned nor expected.

When loss happens, the disappointment and discouragement become central in your thoughts, making it impossible to find hope and a belief that life is not all negative.  The mire of grief is deep.  You feel trapped with no possible way out.  It is a situation you did not choose that you are expected to navigate without any clear guidance or roadmap.

You are sludging through but want to escape the feelings and the reality of your life.  The mire keeps you going in circles.  You are disappointed in yourself for not being able to hold it together and to walk through grief.  You are disappointed in others who you thought would be there for you.  They have gone on with their lives without considering how difficult life is for you.  You feel stuck some days and other days you feel you are managing life OK.  The desire to live into this different life is present but you are discouraged that you do not have it all together yet.  You are still unsure of yourself, your decisions, and the next steps of living into the future.

Disappointments happen in all areas of life.  I am learning to find ways to accept that God has a different plan than mine.  There is a purpose in the change.  Sometimes, it is that you need to allow God to be in control and surrender to His guidance.  Sometimes, God wants you to rest instead of being so busy.  Sometimes, you just need to recognize that it is OK not to have it all together – nobody does no matter how much someone tries to pretend.

I am also learning to not allow one disappointment to ruin the whole day.  It is saying, “OK, that did not work, I will try something else or go in a different direction.”  It is not putting together everything that goes wrong and living in “woe is me” mode.  It is letting go and moving on.  It is letting things roll off instead of absorbing them.  It is finding positives even in the midst of the sorrow and disappointment.  It is recognizing the loss but also looking at what is still around you and the memories and love that will always remain in your heart.  It is finding things to be thankful.  Not everything in life can be fixed, healed, or made perfect.  Life is living in the middle of the imperfections, disappointments and finding joy and contentment. 

I know the sun will shine another day, and I will ride my bike in the sunshine.  I know the furniture will arrive someday.  But most of all, I know God is with me in the disappointments of life and God can use them to draw me closer to Him.

Illuminating The Silence

“In the same way, you should be a light for other people.  Live so that they will see the good things you do and will praise your Father in heaven.”     Matthew 5:16

I recently purchased and placed around the sidewalk of my condo solar lights to illuminate the path after dark.  The lights are spaced apart to provide brightness along the sidewalk without any dark areas.  The lamps provide an artistic circle of illumination that enhances the beauty of the condo walkway.  Now when I take my dog, Annie, out at night, I have light to guide me, and I also enjoy the beauty of the reflection.  My solar lights depend on the sun to store power so that they can shine brightly in the night.

To illuminate means to make something visible or bright by shining a light on it.  We use luminaries during the holiday season to light the path into our churches and down our streets.  To illuminate is also to help to clarify or explain.  We shed light on a subject or problem.  We clarify, explain, and expound upon ideas and situations.  What is illuminating your path?

Darkness is intense at the beginning of the grief journey.  Darkness of our souls.  Darkness toward beauty and hope and sunshine.  Nothing is helpful.  Nothing explains our feelings and emotions.  Nothing makes sense.  Nothing clarifies what has just happened.  We see no future or direction. Our direction and purpose have been lost, and the light seems dim, barely a flicker. 

We feel the silence in the darkness.  But in the silence of the pain and loneliness, Jesus comes.  At first the light of His love and presence is too bright, too hopeful, too good.  The rapids of the river of life throw us all over with barely a moment to catch our breath.  Jesus reaches out His hand to bring us to shore to rest for a while.  It is in this silence that our pain and hurt and loneliness begins to comprehend and accept this different life.  We struggle with acceptance.  It is not what we now desire, or thought would be our life.  The path to the past is dark and lined with regret, pain, loss, and existence if we choose to stay only in the past.

Jesus sits with us in this silence.  Silence is needed to give our hearts and minds time to adjust from the dark to the illuminating presence of Jesus and his peace and hope.  From the intensity of grief and just existing through the day, we are processing how to live the life we now have.  Silence provides the space for enlightenment to take residence in our soul.  We begin to accept the fact that life changed, and the seasons of life happen without our consent.  The eyes of our hearts have been exposed only to the darkness of the intensity of hurt.  It will take time to adjust to the illumination of hope and a different life.  The wisdom of silence leads us to the light we do not want to acknowledge fully.  Our past is complete, and we need to step into the present and future and live what seems impossible to do.  We need to take one step at a time just like light illuminates one step forward at a time.

Quiet your soul and listen to the silence.  In this silence you will hear the light of Jesus.  Other sounds tend to drown out this quiet.  We are afraid of quiet at times because in the quiet we see the reality of life.  In this reality, we need the light of Christ to guide us.  It is treacherous to walk without the light of Jesus’s love to guide us.  One step and one moment at a time into the illumination of life.  Jesus refreshes us and fills us with the light of his presence.  It takes time to absorb His presence and shine again in the world. 

Traipsing Through Life

“Show me the path where I should go O Lord; point out the right road for me to walk.”  Psalm 25:4

My dog, Annie, and I walk each day.  Some days she walks with purpose and direction. She picks up the pace and is determined to finish the walk.  Other days she meanders back and forth smelling different rocks, bushes, and places in the grass.  The advantage Annie has is that I am with her to direct her path on the walk even though some days she resists my guidance.  We always complete the walk no matter how fast or slow she walks.

Some days, we meander and some days we have direction and purpose in our lives.  When we experience grief, loss, and changes, we feel we are traipsing through life.  To traipse is to walk or move wearily or reluctantly without purpose or direction.  This describes how we may feel on our current life path.  We are tired and overwhelmed with decisions to make or even what direction to go.  Some days we aimlessly go from one thing to another without completing any task or following through with our plan or list.  We may wander from room to room knowing we need to accomplish some tasks, but it feels futile or at least too much right now.

We traipse through life for many reasons.  We fear the unknown – what is around the corner or in our future.  If we just knew what to expect and how it would turn out, we would take the next step into life.  This is where faith enters life.  We take a step without knowing and we trust that God is with us.  If we mess up, we can learn from it and take a step in another direction.  We want to know the end result before taking a step on a new path, so we just traipse along on the familiar but hopeless path. 

We may also fear failure which keeps us just traipsing through life.  What if we try and it does not work out?  That’s OK because we at least tried something different, and we can learn from our failures.  Failure is not fatal.  It just means that it did not work out this time for you.  We also fear what others will think and how they will view us.  When we try to please others, we empty ourselves and feel overwhelmed trying to measure up to their expectations.  This produces the fear of not being good enough.  Fear is a liar.

We are afraid we may choose the wrong path and the path will not be what God desires for our life.  So, we do nothing out of fear of disappointing God and others, and we just traipse aimlessly through each day.  It feels like we have no clue as to what direction to go since everything in life is different.  You had planned out your future, and now it has all changed.  We think about doing something different, but we have worn a rut in this weary and aimless path.  We keep trudging along in the emptiness, sadness, and living in the past memories.  We may even at times go to the “poor me” victim mentality.  Life has no meaning and purpose, and we fear it never will and we will wander aimlessly the rest of our existence.

Just like Annie, who resists my leading some days, we resist the leading of God.  We may not even know how to follow God’s guidance on this path of life.  Life is not what we had envisioned, but it is what we have.  It is being still and trusting that God is with us even when we do not feel His presence.  It is spending more time talking with God and trusting that He loves you and wants you to live with purpose.  God can bring healing and hope out of our pain and brokenness.  It will look different than expected.  We may mess up, but God gives His grace.  It is allowing God to lead.  It is picking up the pieces and the pace.  One step at a time and even doing it afraid.  Let’s walk not traipse through life.

After The Anger

“For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime, weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.”  Psalm 30:5 (NIV)

Anger – a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility.  We are aggravated at someone or at a situation.  Life did not turn out the way we expected, and we are irritated because we tried to make the right decision and life blew up around us.  I talked with someone recently who said she was angry at how life had turned out, angry at how she handled the situation, and angry at friends for telling her how she should feel and what she should do.

On the journey of life, others make decisions that affect us which can provoke our anger.  I have felt this anger in my life.  A choice was made that you did not choose, and anger becomes the first reaction.  Anger is reactive and usually focused on the one who we believe caused the hurt or the one in front of us.  We become angry at God for taking our loved one.  We blame someone else for the hurt, and this fuels the anger.  Give yourself permission to be angry.  Live in it for a moment, but as you do, you will find if you stay too long the anger will turn inward and become depression and feed the negative view of life.  Your internal voice tells you everything will go wrong.  Nobody cares.  Everybody will hurt me.  That is anger that grows within us.  Feel it.  Acknowledge you are angry, but do not stay there.  Begin to search your soul.  Anger can control you and make you miserable.

For me, I had to accept the decision of another.  I had to go back to my foundation of faith and accept that I could not answer the why question, but I knew God was giving me comfort and peace in what I did not understand.  As I sat in the anger, I felt God working on my heart and the anger began to change to disappointment. I was disappointed in the choice of others.  I was disappointed that my life did not turn out like I had planned, expected, or hoped.  I was disappointed in how I dealt with it.  But I gradually accepted that I needed to experience these feelings and admit them to myself in order to heal and move forward.

Then my disappointment moved to sadness.  I was sad for the decision.  I was sad that he was gone.  Sad that life changed.  Sad that I had to start a new chapter of life.  I lived in the sadness until I began to accept God was giving me a new chapter of life.  I closed the chapter but kept the memories and adventures.  I released the anger that was trying to control me and keep me from living.  Anger makes us miserable.  Disappointment and sadness keep us feeling sorry for ourselves but unable to take any steps out of the feelings.

Everyone will give you unsolicited advice on how to live and deal with the feelings and emotions caused by the situations of your life.  This can increase anger and disappointment because they do not understand that all you need them to do is listen and be present by not control you or fix the situation.  Your grief is your own.  Nobody can tell you that it is wrong.  We each deal with loss differently. 

Anger is released when we come to an acceptance.  We accept others for who they are and their choices.  We accept that this is the life we now have.  We cannot change the past, but we can live forward into the present.  We accept that God will bring good out of our sadness.  Life will be different, but we can find moments of joy and find a peace and contentment with the life we now are experiencing.  Anger controls and causes deep hurt and pain and negativity.  Releasing and accepting brings hope.  We look for the good in others.  We look for the peace in our own lives.  We begin to look forward to life and living in the moments.

Am I Who?

“God said to Moses, “I am who I am.  This is what you are to say to the Israelites.  I am has sent me to you.”    Exodus 3:14

In recent social and family gatherings, I have had to introduce myself or be introduced.  I said, “I am the youngest sibling.”  “I am his friend.”  “I am his cousin.”  “I am the minister.”  “I am their aunt.”  When I think about these introductions and relationships, I have used the present tense of “I am.”  This is who I currently am in relationship with others.  We define ourselves based on relationships – “I am the daughter of…”  I am the spouse of ….”  “I am the aunt of ….”  “I am the sister of ….”

As we journey on this path of life, each turn defines us.  We begin to realize that other people do not need to control who we are just define the relationship.  We do not need to please others as our primary purpose in life.  We have experienced struggles and heartaches, joys and successes that have defined us.  Our relationships help mold us and guide us into becoming who we were created to be.  The essence of who we are though was created by God.  God gave us our physical features from the moment we were conceived in our mother’s womb.  We each have gifts and talents that we develop and refine over our lifetime.  How we have reacted and processed the trials of life has also defined us.

When life changes, who we are is re-defined by the change.  Someone said to me recently, “I just want the happy me back.”  We desire who we were before the grief and life change.  We are forever changed.  I am accepting it is good to be me – the me God intended me to be not who others want me to be.  I accepted I have grown, matured, and changed because of my own grief journey and changes in life.  I know the sad parts of me that have changed – the emptiness, the loneliness, the loss of relationship, and how everything is different.  But I also can now see the positive changes that the grief journey has given to me to define who I am now.  I am seeking the good out of the bad.

My priorities are clearer and defined.  I am able to experience the present and be in the moment because I know how precious each moment of life really is.  I am focused on relationships not on tasks as much.  Things will get done, and material possessions are not important. I can sit and just be still in God’s presence.  I am more aware of God’s visible expression in each day – His glory, and I hold His hand throughout the day to bring me into the present moment.  I sigh more and let go of things quicker.  I live less in worry, and more in trust.  I ask myself if someone or something is my responsibility.  Most of the time the answer is “no”, and I can release to God the responsibility.  When we begin to accept, we do not need to be a people pleaser, we free ourselves to be who we were created to be, not who someone else wants us to be.

There is freedom in being who we were created to be.  I am who I am.  I may not be what I thought I was going to be in the life I had envisioned for my future.  But I am where God wants me to be right now.  God created me.  God loves me.  God forgives and accepts me and so do I.  Let’s repeat that statement for ourselves – God created you.  God loves you.  God forgives and accepts you and you need to love and accept yourself.

Through this journey, I have learned it is not selfish to care for myself and make decisions based on what is best for me according to God’s will.  My purpose is to glorify God.  As I become and you become more yourself, we find peace and a contentment.  Life is different, but in this different is where we live.  Be bold.  Say “no” to what you do not want in your life.  Say “yes” to becoming you.  Find your peace and contentment.  It takes time but allow God to be present in your moments and God will take you quietly by the hand and lead you into this chapter of life to become all God created you to be.  Trust.  Take a step.  I am Me!

Living Past Memories

“Everything that was written in the past was written to teach us.”   Romans 15:4

As my siblings looked through the old photo album my cousin shared from his mom, we found a picture of our childhood home.  It is the only picture of the entire house I now own.  The house burned when I was 14 years old.  Oh, the memories that flooded my mind as I held that picture.  It was like a movie running in fast speed through my head.  I remembered my room shared with my sister, the stairway where I played with my slinky toy, the family dinners, the back porch with the old ringer washer, but most of all I just remembered my parents and siblings and sharing life together in that house.

As I reflect on the picture of my childhood home, I have snapshots of events, life, family, and experiences that have shaped my life.  I recall and remember and bring these memories into my present life.  It reminds me who I have become because of these influences and experiences.  I do not live in the past nor have a sadness because the past is completed.  As I bring these memories into today, I give thanks for my family and for the foundation of life.  Just like my childhood house had a cement and block foundation, I received a foundation for my present life from my past experiences which are now memories.  I recognize the past influences my present, but I do not live in the past.  The past is the past and I continue to learn from it.

I attended the funeral of a church family member from my childhood this past week. Her family was a part of my memories as I grew into adulthood.  She baked my wedding cake years ago and transported it from my hometown to my wedding site two hours away.  The past and the present connected as I remembered but also celebrated a life well lived.  I remembered her family and sharing faith and life together.  She and all those from my home church are part of my foundation of faith and life.  I take the memories with me into the present.

When we live in the past, we do not see life today.  We only look backward.  We desire the life we had and continue to live in the past memories as if they are all we have.  The present seems too difficult to navigate and the past is familiar and comfortable.  We rehearse the past and believe life will never have purpose and meaning again.  The past is all we desire, and our focus is how we once lived.

We can become distracted easily on the journey because nothing is the same and everything feels overwhelming.  Memories fill the emptiness of today.  Sadness and loneliness and heartache seem to define the present when we are deep in our grief.  We want to escape these feelings, so we go back into our past reliving the life we had.  But when we only focus on the past, we never live in the present.  We obsess over whether we were enough?  Did we do enough?  Love enough? Was it really what we thought we had?

Then we attempt to take steps into living and allowing the memories to be our foundation.  We struggle with the idea of actually living forward.  We wonder if we can ever experience the love and hope of our past in the present.  Because we have had love, joy, and fulfillment in our past, we have the assurance through Jesus that it can continue in our present but in a different form.  The completion of the past is that we will not change the past.  It was what it was.  The memories continue in the present, but we do not make new memories out of the past.  The memories of our past have a purpose.  They are given by God to learn from the experiences and relationships and to grow from them.  We live in the present with hope and meaning because the past and its memories are the steppingstones into this different life.

I give thanks to God for what God brought me through and the relationships of my life.  Grief tells us the past is all we have.  The reality is the past is complete, and we have the foundation of the past to build our present and future.  Be thankful.  Remember.  Step into today.

The Heart of Words

“And the Word became flesh and lived among us, and we have seen his glory, the glory as of a father’s only son, full of grace and truth.”    John 1:14

I was asked to visit her dad.  On my way, I prayed for God to give me the words they needed to hear.  I asked that God would speak through me.  I make a living with words.  I have preached sermons and funerals using the words of Scripture, faith, and hope.  I listen to the words of clients as they share their problems and concerns for life.  I share words of discernment and hope for life with them.  I write words in books and this blog to give guidance and light on the journey.

Words are all around us.  When we travel, we are guided by signs that lead us to our destination.  We follow road signs of “Stop.”  We read signs advertising places of interest and businesses enticing us to visit their new location.  Words are even in our homes.  My walls are filled with words – Scriptures on a quilt, decorative wall plaques, barn siding with names stenciled and even words of “Faith, Hope, Peace, and Love” stenciled on the wall.   We listen to songs and feel the words.  The songs put our feelings into the words we could not find.  Many times, I ask people to describe how they feel.  Words do not come easily as we pull from within us the emotions of our hearts.

Sometimes words feel so empty and trite and are not enough to be supportive and meaningful.  We have experienced times in our lives when we have had no clue what to say, and we say something out of nervousness and anxiety.  We have experienced people saying empty words attempting to help us feel better.  We respond to “how are you?” with “Fine” which is a word spoken when we do not want to share what is really in our hearts.

We cannot express in words the depth of love we have for another person.  “I love you” does not feel enough to express the intensity of our emotions.  We love with our whole being and feel the weight of the love cannot be expressed in mere words.  When sadness and grief enter our world, the feelings of our hearts are impossible to put into words.  Words are not enough to express the emptiness, the pain, the loss of love, and the heaviness of our hearts. 

God hears the words of our hearts in the silence of our expression.  God hears the sighs and understands the words that have formed within us but are too difficult to articulate.  Even though we cannot put all our feelings and emotions into words, it is still within you.  Those words remain in your heart and over time we can put sound to those words.  As we experience the grief and take steps into this different life, we begin to comprehend the journey and name the feelings and emotions.  By naming them, we begin to accept them, to actually feel them, and to release them.

As we name these feelings and emotions of our grief and sadness, and we begin to take steps into this different life, the words begin to change.  Our focus is not on words of sadness, pain, heartache, but of hope, peace, and faith.  These are words we have not spoken in our hearts for a while but are words that begin to emerge in the silence of our hearts.  The life we lived is completed and the words of our hearts begin to change.  Hope and faith attempt to grow, and we remember the words – “The Word became flesh and dwelt among us.”  Jesus is the Word that becomes life.  Jesus dwells within us and speaks words of life into our hearts.  We are attempting to hear the Word, and we desire that the Word grow within us and emerge from its dormant season and breathe life and hope into this next chapter of life.

Living In Front of You

“When Jacob awoke from his sleep, he thought, “Surely the Lord is in this place, and I was not aware of it.”              Genesis 28:16

I listened to him as he shared his thoughts of the past and his fears that he was not enough for her.  I heard the pain as he remembered and his heartache of her death.  He was lost without her and did not know how to take steps into the life he now had.  It did not even feel like a life, but it was all he had now.  He was focused on the past. Then, I experienced the joy of a nine-year-old at the county fair.  She was living in the moment and excited about whatever the next moment brought.  She attempted the tractor pull and was eliminated in the first round.  A moment of disappointment and then it was French fries!  Oh, to have that childlike life.

In our grief, we exist mainly in the past especially in our thoughts and feelings.  We fear forgetting our loved one even though we know that would be impossible, so we focus mainly on the past.  This is an essential part of grief.  We need to remember the good, the impact of our loved one on our life, and who we are because they were in our lives.  We need to work through the pain and loss, and we need to forgive and let go of the regret.  But when we just exist in the past and stay focused on how life used to be, we never live the life we have in front of us.  We are afraid to move through grief because we fear we will forget. 

This fear prevents us from integrating our past into our present.  We will always remember without needing to live in the past.  My friend, Sharon, told me recently that she is tired of being sad and living in the grief.  She said, “I will always miss my husband.  I don’t want to live life without him, but I don’t want to be sad and miserable all the time.  I want to be happy and find joy in life again.”  She has grieved and will always miss her husband, and his love will always be part of who she is and her foundation of life.  She is choosing to live the life she has in front of her.

When I worked for Hospice, my director and friend, Mary, would say – “Be where your feet are.”  This was helpful in my work and visits with patients, but also has made a significant impact on my grief journey.  We may not like the life we now have, but it is what we have so we need to begin to live into it. Look what is around you, and if you do not like it begin to make changes one step at a time.  The steps could be as simple as getting a new hair style to rearranging your living space to doing something with a friend.  It is just beginning to turn from the sadness all the time to moments of good.  It is living in those positive moments that are in front of you.

In this living in front of you, we need to awake from our grief and choose a path of living.  It is recognizing that God has always been in this place even if we have not been aware of his presence.  Grief just becomes a part of who we are but does not need to overshadow living in the present moment.  Yes, we will have sad moments and quiet times of remembering, but we will also have moments of happiness and seeing what is in front of us.  Learn about life from a nine-year-old – disappointments and sadness will happen in life, but there are always something good in front of us if we look for it.  Enjoy the French fries!

Silent Echo

“The Lord is in his holy temple; let all the earth be silent before him.”   Habakkuk 2:20

At the cemetery, the VFW stood at attention with rifles and at the command they raised them into the air.  Their commander gave the order “Fire”, and the 21-gun salute was given for my friend.  The shots reverberated through the trees and the sound bounced off the building.  The shots echoed for a moment through the soft gentle breeze.  Then the bugler played “Taps.”  The sound lingered as the flag was lifted from the casket and the military led the ceremony of folding the flag.  A silence filled the air at this sacred and patriotic tribute.  The flag was presented to the widow and the silence of grief overwhelmed the moment.

I had just officiated at the funeral of my friend from a former church I served.  I met Bill and his son, Brent the night I moved to the parsonage.  Brent was sitting on my front step waiting for me, and his dad arrived shortly after.  The first thing I saw was Bill’s smile.  He was known for his smile and humor.  A smile is silent, but it leaves a lasting impression.  Each time I think of Bill, I smile.  Bill’s smile is the silent echo that will remain in my heart.  It is his legacy.

An echo is a sound caused by the reflection of sound waves from a surface back to the listener.  Our hearts have an echo from the love we have experienced and received from our loved ones.  That echo remains within us.  It is unseen, but the most powerful evidence that our loved ones lived.  A silent echo is what is unspoken but is reflected forever in our lives.

Silence is part of the grief journey.  The life we knew has been silenced never to return the same again.  The silence of our loved one’s voice is overwhelming.  The silence of love permeates the chambers of our heart.  The silence is deafening when we are alone in our home and in our hearts.  We wonder if the emptiness of this silence will last forever.  Some of us linger in the silence longer than others.  It is familiar, and it becomes natural to exist in the silent emptiness of our lives.  The silence defines our empty souls.

Silence, though, is part of the healing journey.  We need to silence our racing and anxious thoughts and fears and be still in the presence of God.  The sadness is still present, but God’s presence holds us if we allow Him to come into our hearts and walk beside us.  No words need to be spoken in the silence.  Our spirit speaks to God’s spirit in sighs too deep for words.  (Romans 8:26)  The still silence is needed so that we can hear God speak to us, and begin living in this different life.

And then in the silence, we hear the echo of a life well lived.  The echo reverberates off our life, and we live out the legacy.  Many times the echo is a silent awareness.  We see our loved one’s influence in the little things of life we do.  We smile and remember their smile.  Our faith has a foundation in our mom.  Our work ethic is an echo from our dad.  Our love for baking is a reflection from our grandma.  The echo bounces off our lives and others hear the silent echo of those who have influenced our lives.  We live out the legacy in our daily lives and actions.

So as we live into our different life, we begin to become aware of our own silent echoes.  How are we influencing others in our quiet walk with God?  How does our life reflect Jesus to others?

Listen to the silent echoes.

Feeling Your Living

“We live by faith, not by sight.”   2 Corinthians 5:7

“How are you?”  We reply, “Fine.”  “How do you feel?”  “I’m OK.” We usually reply.  Polite answers to questions we know nobody really wants a true answer.  We rarely reply with how we really are feeling.  Feelings.  We all have them.  Feelings are not good or bad.  They are just what life situations creates within us.  I have been more focused recently on feelings – the feelings of others and how to express in words the emotions within my own soul.

When I counsel, I ask clients, “What are you feeling today?”  “How is life going for you?”  I am wanting to go deeper than the surface answer of “fine.”  Fine is a non-word to me that has no meaning.  It is said more to please the other person and deflect our true emotions.

I recently visited a cemetery where my friend’s parents are buried.  Memories of childhood and his parents were expressed as we walked the cemetery.  Then I began to read the feelings expressed on tombstones – the love, the sadness, the thankfulness, and the legacy of a life well lived.  In reading loving tributes, I had other feelings of life that continues past the cemetery.  At death, our feelings are intense, and we think we will always feel the same and never experience love this way again.  We pour our heart into expressing our love and chisel it in stone.  This love will always be part of our foundation forever just like it will be forever engraved in the stone.

Feelings change on the journey and in different seasons of life.  Feelings are how we react to life.  We usually live how we feel.  If we feel sad, all of life feels depressing around us.  If we feel tired, we tend to have no energy for even things we enjoy.  Feelings can consume us if we allow them.  Sometimes, we need to say to ourselves, “I feel sad right now, and I will allow myself to feel it for a moment.  Then I can go and enjoy something for a moment and mingle joy with my sadness.”

How do we continue to live even though we feel consumed with our grief?  I believe we need to express and acknowledge the feelings we have on our journey.  It is admitting we feel sad, unsettled, frustrated, numb, agitated, overwhelmed, angry, and the vast array of feelings too numerous to name.  Nobody can tell you not to feel an emotion.  It is who you are and how you feel.  When someone feels negative toward us, we take it personally and need to recognize it is their feeling and mood right now.  You need not absorb it nor try to fix it.  It is recognizing you will have different feelings throughout each day.  Give yourself permission to feel, but not be consumed by the feelings. 

We need to give thought to our feelings.  “I feel this way because…”  Naming the feeling and recognizing why we feel that way, helps us accept and deal with the feeling.  It also allows us to release it and not stuff it down inside.  Feelings do not just go away.  We feel deep love and it abides in us and becomes a part of us.  Feelings without thought and reason can lead us down an unhealthy path, but feelings can also open us up to new opportunities.

What if we change our focus from the feelings that control us to feeling the life we now have?  That is, to be all in and embrace the life we now have.  It is not the life you originally chose or dreamed of having, but it is the life you now have.  Feel the life.  Feel the new experiences.  Feel the new you.  Allow yourself to feel – to feel good, to feel love, to feel joy, to feel hope.  We tend to focus on the negative feelings in grief and remember only how we used to feel.  We focus on feeling so alone.  Grief leaves us alone.  It is a real feeling, and we live in this loneliness.  What if on the journey somewhere, we chose to feel life again?  We may not see it right now, but we are called to live by faith.  Trust God will help you feel life and live into it.

Discombobulated Life

“Peace, I leave with you; my peace I give you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”  John 14:27

I recently talked with a widow who described her current emotion as agitation.  I consulted the dictionary for a definition and found numerous words describing what it means to be agitated - flustered, ruffled, perturbed, disturbed, unsettled, bothered, troubled, jittery, and beside oneself.  But the one word that jumped off the page to me was “discombobulated.”  Not a word we use daily, but a word that describes the confusion and agitation that comes with life situations and grief.

I have felt discombobulated on the journey not knowing which direction to go and how to take the next steps into this different life.  I have been confused by why God would bless me so much and then it be taken away.  Upset by a new path that did not go where I thought it would go.  Troubled that I was back into this lonely space again only to be rattled by a new possibility to live into a different and unexpected life.

Discombobulated is a unique word to spell and pronounce (I keep writing it so you can keep saying it).  It represents how unique and difficult this journey can be when life does not go as planned.  Even as we begin to accept that “it is what it is,” new situations occur that confuse us.  It is knowing God is working in our lives and has a plan, but we feel unsettled as we wait and attempt to figure out this new chapter.

When we are discombobulated, we are confused and unsettled.  We know life will never be the same.  The unsettling is more within us.  My soul begins to feel the depth of change, and I long for peace to reside deep within me.  We are unsettled with who we are and who we are becoming.  We may not even recognize ourselves in the mirror or how we are currently existing.  Our head knows there is more to life than just existing, but our heart struggles with letting go and releasing the past.  We become irritated at others who have the life we desire or those who constantly talk about their past as if we did not experience a deep loss too.

As I have walked into this new chapter of life, I have been flustered in how to deal with other people’s past and emotions toward loved ones.  I get perturbed and have had to accept some things will never change.  How others deal with grief and hold on to certain things can rattle you and lead to questioning yourself.  Are you being too pushy or too sensitive?  When you tell someone, it bothers you and they still do it or do not change it, I am learning to let it go and change my focus.  We are unsettled in the process of leaving the past and all that it represents.  It takes time to find the peace of the present and to live in the now and focus forward.

Jesus comes to give us peace.  The opposite of agitation and discombobulated is calmness and peace.  This is our heart’s desire to find peace and calm in this new life.  The only way I have found to do this, is to change my focus from the pain and loss to Jesus and his presence.  I cannot change the past, but I can accept and release myself to live in the present.  My focus is to glorify God and be who God created me to be.  To find every day something to be thankful for and to settle my soul in the One who is always present with me – Jesus. 

Navigating The Unknown

“You have hard these things; look at them all.  Will you not admit them?  From now on I will tell you of new things, of hidden things unknown to you.”   Isaiah 48:6

I visited the National Cemetery in Culpeper, Virginia.  The white grave markers lined the rolling hillside.  One section had 912 numbered markers of unknown soldiers killed in the Civil War.  A hushed silence filled the air as I walked among the markers.  No names were on the stones – just numbers.  These soldiers were unknown to the world as they were buried but known to God.  They each had a name and a family, but at death, no earthly marker designated their existence.  Their remains were given the respect of burial, but their legacy was not recorded.

I then attended a wedding where I did not know the bride or groom.  I knew only three people at the ceremony initially.  I had to navigate the unknown and figure out relationships and how to interact in this different space.  My personality is just to talk to people and ask questions about them.  They begin to share, and I begin to learn about new people.  I am comfortable meeting new people and adapting to most social situations.  This has developed over time and experience. 

Navigating the unknown of life after a death is a difficult step on the journey of grief.  The life we have known is gone, and we feel different.  We feel like the world does not know who we are now.  We are expected to continue living the life we have been living before our lives were turned upside down.  It is impossible to find security and safety on this path anymore.  The one who helped us navigate is no longer here.  We have to walk alone.  We fear messing it up or choosing the wrong path.

As I have discovered on my own journey, navigating family and familiar relationships is now different.  We begin certain relationships because of our loved one and now when our loved one is not present and at the center of these relationships, we wonder how the connection will continue.  For some, we decide if the season of togetherness is complete. They were part of our past and were more connected to our loved one. For others, we need to make the connection about ourselves, not our loved one.  We need to develop our own relationship.  We get to choose how and if we continue to be involved in these relationships.

In the case of in-laws, we may ask, “Am I still part of the family?”  You may experience the letting go because you are not “blood” related.  This is when you take God’s hand and release them.  You give thanks for the season of life and move forward with other relationships.  You will grieve this change and then need to navigate through the emotions of another loss.  For others, they will still regard you as family, but you will feel different without your loved one present amid this relationship.  It is the unknown again.  So you focus on each event and make the choice whether to be involved or not.  You take one step at a time into the present and future and determine which relationships are healthy for you.  Remember, your life has dramatically changed in the dailyness of life while their lives are affected but not on a daily basis.  You need to choose who is healthy for you, and who enhances your life.

I have learned my relationship with God has changed too.  I rely even more on God for all the unknowns.  God is my safety and security and my guide who helps to navigate through this different life.  God assures me that He will always be with me.  I have a choice who I allow in my heart and life.  I have a choice to close relationships and recognize they were part of my life for a season.  I get to choose when and with whom I interact and share life.  Sometimes, I have to navigate these unknown areas of relationships and life, but I know God will be my guide and my security.  Even if I do not know, God does. I trust Him.