Look Up

“I am putting my rainbow in the clouds as the sign of the agreement between me and the earth.”  Genesis 9:13

On my morning run, the rain mixed with sleet and was pelting my face.  The clouds were dark, and I was cold.  I wondered why I decided to run outside today.  Puddles were everywhere so I had to keep my eyes focused on the ground so I did not run through the deep puddles and get wetter than I currently was.  Then the sun burst through the clouds even though it was still raining.  I looked up and then I saw it – the most beautiful full rainbow across the western sky.  It encircled the church where I was running in the parking lot.  It was brilliant in color contrasted with the dark sky.  I lifted my eyes and immediately raised my hands in praise to God.

In the gloomy darkness and pelting rain, God sent His rainbow of promise.  I worshipped on my morning run.  My grumbling turned to praise when I looked up.  I saw cars going by and wondered if they looked up and saw God’s beauty.  It would be easy to miss if your focus was looking down.

When we look down – when we only see the brokenness, problems, and the hurt – life is painful and dreary like the dark clouds and rain.  God does not always take away the storms, but He always promises to be with us through the storms of our lives.  Sometimes God even sends a sign like a rainbow reminding us that He is with us and will do what He promised.  God will walk us through the storm.  We just need to look for Him.  Where are you looking?

The promise of the rainbow is found in the book of Genesis.  God promised he would not destroy the earth again by flood.  God promises are throughout the Bible.  God promises to love us, forgive us, hold our hand, give us grace and eternal life and so much more.  Do you trust God enough that He will fulfill His promises?

Many of you have been hurt by others breaking their promise to you.  Others of you have prayed for healing and only received pain.  You prayed for justice, and evil seems to keep winning.  You cried out to God, and you still feel alone.  It is hard to look up and praise God.  It seems easier to look down and muddle through life.

I have been walking recently through the loss of my companion dog, Annie.  I have also been listening to the grief of new clients and their struggle to live into life.  When we focus on the hurt and pain, we stay in the darkness of the storm.  It is difficult to trust in the storm, but that is what I keep trying to do.

I still trust the Lord to hold my hand because God has been faithful in the past.  His Word promises that He will never leave me.  He loves me and walks with me.  Jesus gives me His Spirit to live within me.  I know God has held my hand throughout my life.  I trust God even when the storm is raging around me.  Trust is more than how I am currently feeling.  It is knowing God is with me even if I do not feel it.  When I look up to the sky and let go of the earthly worries and struggles, I only see the light of God’s presence. 

We look down not just in the storms but in the dailyness of life. We get caught in a routine and sometimes it just becomes mundane and lifeless.  Task after task.  Work after work.  Just getting by at times.  We then focus on the negative, the loneliness and lack of fulfillment.  We just look down and it creates a sadness and a wonder if this is all there is to life.  Only when we look beyond the demands and emptiness of this world and look up to seek God’s presence do we find life.

I am learning to look up more.  Sometimes I see a rainbow, sometimes I see the blue sky and sunshine, sometimes I see the stars, and sometimes I see the darkness, the rain, and the clouds.  But every time I look up, I trust that God is there.  God wants me to focus on His presence.  To trust Him.  To hold His hand through the storms and through the pain and hurt. To hold His hand in the dailyness of life.  To look up and speak His name.  Look up!

Propensity of Life

“Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith…”  Hebrews 12:2 (NIV)

My dog, Annie, always barked at other dogs and squirrels.  No matter how many times I told her “No” she still barked.  It is natural for a dog to bark at other animals.  She also barked when anyone came to the door, or a client came for counseling.  She was my doorbell.  I learned to tell her, “Thank you.”  She was doing her job and then she would stop.  It was her propensity to alert me when someone or some animal was nearby.

Propensity is a natural inclination, a leaning, a natural tendency to behave in a certain way.  Society has a natural propensity to complain, to focus on what is wrong, and to be negative.  It seems natural for people to complain about the weather and that life is not fair.  Why is the natural inclination to see the bad and hurt?  Many of my clients focus on the negative aspect of their lives which produce anxiety and depression.

Your propensity for life begins in childhood as you develop your foundational principles to guide and direct your life.  These are based on your family, your environment, your faith, human nature, influences from society, and friendships.  Over time, you believe this is who you are, and you accept these tendencies as defining yourself.  Sometimes these inclinations are influenced by others, especially your primary person in life. When life changes with loss, you rarely revisit these inclinations because they are integrated into who you believe you are.

I have come to realize when changes occur and people leave our physical presence, we need to look deep within ourselves to figure out who we now want to be.  Propensities can change and will change because of loss and trauma.  My natural inclination is to see the good and look for the positive in life which was developed because of the influence of my mom and Grandma.  I believe it was because of their deep and abiding faith in Jesus that their propensity was positive and good.

As I live into the different along with you, my propensity is to lean even more into Jesus.  Oh, the spiritual struggle is strong because of the brokenness of sin and evil in the world.  We have the tendency to look at the world and wonder where is God.  As we go through loss and struggle in our own lives, we wonder why lean closer to God when life has turned out the way it has?

Recently I visited my eighty-nine-year-old friend, Dwight, whose wife, Dawn, is in a memory care facility.  He visits her twice a day and feeds her pudding in the afternoon.  He loves her the same way he has always loved her.  His propensity is to love no matter the circumstances.  It is natural.  It is not what he had hoped for, but he leans closer to Jesus to walk with Him on this journey.  Dwight’s inclination in his heart is to always love.  He loves his wife.

During my visit, I read to Dawn a letter she had written to me almost thirty-five years ago.  It was saved in my memorabilia. When I was serving the church they attended at the beginning my ministry, they become “adopted” parents to me, and she was proud of who I was and how I had been support to her and given her words to lean on.  I realized as I read her words again that my natural inclination in ministry has always been to love and to trust God.  It always felt right.

Now as we live different because of change and loss, I am going to continue to lean into Jesus.  I hope that you can release the negative and focus on what is in front of you.  As humans we have the propensity to sin – our natural inclination is sin, but through God’s grace, He has redeemed us from sin.  We do not need to live in the evil and negativity and anxiety and fear.  We are redeemed.  It does not take away the hurt and pain of life, it just changes the focus that God will be with us in the traumas of life if we focus on Him.  God is with us in this different way of life too.  My propensity is to move closer to Jesus in this different. How about you?

Way of Life

“Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father, but by me.”  John 14:6 (RSV)

I appreciate having a place to work through my current grief in this blog.  Grief as we all know is part of life.  We experience grief throughout our lives in many different ways and forms.  As you know, my current grief is because of the death of my companion dog, Annie.

Annie was so intertwined in my daily life and existence.  My routine and schedule were woven around her and her needs.  I was her caregiver, and she was my support.  She gave me unconditional love.  I never thought if I was going to meet her needs, I just did, and Annie never had to decide whether to love me, she just did because we were connected by our hearts.  My way of life was living with Annie beside me. 

Some of you understand this in a very deep and real way in your own life.  Your loved one – whether spouse, companion, parent, child, or furry friend – was your way of living life.  Their life and yours made up how you saw life and how you functioned.  You did life together.  You believed in them and no matter what happened, you could count on them to be there for you to listen, to care, to cry with and to love you.  Now your way of life is gone.

Oh, you keep trying to go down the same path, to enjoy the same things, to interact with the same people and to function in the same lifestyle, but it is not the same without your special one.  I have shared with you that in the grief journey, life is different, and we need to find ways to live into this different.  Different is not bad, it is just different.

Annie, through her death, is teaching me to live different and to find a new way in this new chapter of my life.  I have been a caregiver all my life, in ministry and family situations.  The essence of me is to care for others. So, it was natural for me to care for Annie who was dependent upon me for all her basic needs.  It was my way of life that I had accepted.  I did not deviate from it, but I accepted the responsibility with gratefulness most of the time.  Annie was a unique dog who became my trusted friend and companion through everything.

In Annie’s death, I have released the responsibility of caring for her physical needs. It has made me evaluate where God has me in life.  I am not totally responsible for anyone but myself.  My way of life as a minister changed as I retired from the Church.  I am therefore not responsible nor accountable to any organization.  I am not responsible for any building or to any administration when I moved my office to my home.  My way of life changed to being more independent in my schedule and creating my own office space.

These are mainly physical changes, but there have been emotional and relationship changes to my way of life.  Grief changed me into realizing the only one I need to please is God and in doing so I please myself.  I get to choose who I interact with and who I visit and share a meal.  It is not about doing enough; it is about being who God created me to be.  What matters most is that God loves me, not if I do enough to earn His love.  God’s love is given freely. 

My way of life has changed.  Annie and our routine together was my constant, but now my way of life has changed.  I am not sure what all this live different will look like, but I do know the way.  I will continue to follow the truth my life has been built upon – the truth of Jesus.  I have learned on this journey; the way of Jesus keeps me grounded.  His truth found in Scripture fills me when I am alone and doubtful.  His life gives me hope of life eternal, and His life gives me permission to live different.

Returning To Grief

“Lord, have mercy because I am in misery. My eyes are weak from so much crying, and my whole being is tired from grief.”  Psalm 31:9

Grief has entered my life again, or I should say it has returned as central to my thoughts and feelings.  Last week, my sweet companion dog, Annie died and crossed over into Heaven.  At first, I was so thankful she was no longer suffering, and I could release her to Heaven to run and be reunited with my husband who was her master.  I was exhausted from caring for her so intensely the past month that releasing her to Heaven filled me with peace.  I am so grateful for all the kind words spoken about her and the expressions of comfort and support I have received from so many of you.  Annie touched many lives and fulfilled her purpose on earth.  I celebrate the gift of having her as my companion for almost eleven years.

But now I am grieving my loss.  I know Annie is running and enjoying the rewards of Heaven, but my house is empty.  I see her everywhere.  I hear the jingle of her collar and her lapping up water from her bowl.  I wake up and wonder where she is in the house so I can take her outside.  I come home and want to call, “Annie Girl, I’m home.  Let’s go out.”  I cook dinner and she is not there to lick off the plates.  The hardest has been that she is not greeting my counseling clients and laying beside me as I counsel.  The room feels empty, and I have to learn how to counsel without her.  I feel a little lost.

Grief returns in many forms and ways throughout our lives.  I have some of the same feelings and emptiness that I had when my husband died.  I feel a deep sadness that part of me is lost, and my heart feels ripped out of me.  Our hearts were connected in a most unique and deep way.  She was with me in the darkest times.  She was the only one I really cried with at the death of my husband.  She has been my emotional support dog and where I have released my emotions.  I snuggled and cried with her.  Now I do not have her to comfort me in this grief.  Just as my husband had been with me in the grief of my parents, and the one I depended on to be with me as I walked through life, Annie was with me in the grief I experienced since his death.  Annie was the one I shared the confidential parts of my day, and she heard and felt all the emotions.  Annie is the one I vented to and she just looked at me, rolled over and I rubbed her belly as I talked with her.

I have also returned to some of the same songs that helped express my grief over seven years ago.  “Walk Me Through” by the Perrys has been my foundational song for grief.  I ask God to walk me through the pain and loss.  I know this time that I will get through it because God has been faithful in the past, and God will continue to be faithful on this current grief journey.  God will hold my hand.  I have peace in trusting God.  Music has been a powerful outlet for my grief putting into words what I cannot express.

My desire was to jump into being grateful for Annie and to immediately live in the freedom of not having the responsibility of caring for a dog.  But I needed to return to feeling grief and allowing myself some sad times and to mourn the loss of my dear sweet, Annie.  Yes, she was a dog, but she took on a deeper and more significant role in my life because of my loss.  She was given the ability to feel pain and to feel the hurt of others.  She knew how to bring joy into the sad moments of life.  She was my constant and faithful companion.  I need to grieve and return to the grief journey for a time.

I have begun to tell stories of her life and to listen to other people’s memories.  Annie has a legacy, and she made a difference in my life.  She leaves a hole nobody will ever fill.  She is irreplaceable, and I have completed my dog ownership.

I feel Annie in my heart.  She will always be with me.  That is love.  Grief is about love.  We only grieve those we love.  It is good to return to our grief from time to time and give ourselves permission to be sad and to remember.  We remember who we are because of the one we loved.  We give thanks for their influence, their legacy, and the time we were blessed to share life.  These remembrances will always bring a moment of sadness and grief, but they also bring a gratefulness.  Return to grief as needed.  Remember, do not stay there.  Begin to live differently.

My Faithful Companion

“Well done good and faithful servant…enter into the joy of your master.”  Luke 35:21

This past week has been filled with emotions that have pulled at my heart and found me holding tightly to God’s hand.  My faithful companion dog, Annie, crossed over into Heaven on Good Friday, the 7th.  She had been declining all week and began to struggle.  Her eyes told me it was time to let go.  Through much prayer, I made the decision to let her go and release her from her pain and struggle.  I wrapped her in her beloved prayer quilt and carried her to the vehicle.  As we rode to the vet office, she pressed her body against me.  I felt her warmth and the beat of her heart next to mine.  Our hearts were connected in life and now in death.  I carried her into the office and laid her down on the table.  She looked at me and licked my face so tenderly as if to kiss me goodbye and our eyes embraced in that tender moment.  Within a few minutes, God released her to Heaven.

Annie has been my constant companion since my husband, Dave died.  We have a special bond that goes beyond even family.  Annie and I have communicated in the depth of our being.  She was sent by God to me for a purpose.  We grieved together at the loss of my husband, Dave and her master.  I was never alone because she was always by my side.  I took Annie with me almost everywhere.  She has been with me in counseling sessions, weddings, funerals, baptisms, worship services, seminars, family gatherings and then lived in the backseat of my vehicle when she could not attend the event.  Annie is known by hundreds of people in several states.  She has been from Niagara Falls to the beach, from the mountains to the farmlands.  Neighbors knew Annie’s name but forgot mine.  I was known as “Annie’s mom.”

I have spent twenty-seven years caring for two dogs – Annie and Specs.  Specs lived sixteen years and Annie was almost eleven years old.  My life developed a routine around them.  I made plans based on how long I could leave them or made arrangements for others to watch them if I needed to be away longer or travel.  I took care of their needs, but more importantly we created a bond of mutual love and care.  When life was tough, they were always there to love me and help change my focus to the present moment.

Annie loved people and brought a smile to most people she encountered.  She was a happy dog who loved her treats and belly rubs.  But there was more to Annie.  She had a purpose.  She was beside me in my grief and served my clients as a therapy dog by greeting them and sitting beside them in their tears and pain.  Annie recognized hurt because she had experienced it in her life.  She felt loss with the death of her master.  She adjusted to change with me in our moves and office locations.  As long as I was with her, Annie was content.

Her death on Good Friday seemed appropriate to me since Good Friday is a day of sacrifice and servanthood.  On Good Friday, Jesus sacrificed His life for our sins.  He humbled himself to be a servant to die a cruel death for our forgiveness and to conquer death so that we will have eternal life and be with Him forever.  He completed His purpose on Good Friday. 

Annie completed her purpose on Good Friday.  While it is difficult to let go of my constant companion who stayed by my side in the sad times of my life and celebrated the joys with me.  I did not want her to suffer anymore.  I also knew by her lick and her eyes that she gave me permission to close a chapter of life and have the freedom from the responsibility of caring for her.  She had completed her purpose on earth and was ready to enjoy the blessings of Heaven.  Annie made the sacrifice so I could take a step into the next chapter of my life.  Because of her sacrifice and her life, I have learned to slow down and enjoy the moments of life more, to play more, take walks and witness the beauty of God’s creation.  I have met people through Annie and sat like Annie with people in their hurt and pain.  Annie was sent by God to teach me.  She had purpose.  Annie was a servant who was good and faithful.

As I reflect on my sweet Annie this Easter Season, I have been able to focus more clearly on Jesus’ sacrifice for me out of His love.  He suffered for me and died so that I could be free from sin and live into this chapter of life that God has for me.  Jesus rose from the dead, ascended into Heaven and gave his Holy Spirit to live within us to guide and direct our daily lives.  The Holy Spirit connects us to others.  We love through Jesus’ Spirit.  He first loved us so that we can love others even our faithful companions. Spell DOG backwards and you get GOD – a selfless, sacrificial love.  We have the assurance we are never alone.  God’s Spirit dwells within us.

My life has been forever changed because of Jesus’ life and death on the cross and His resurrection and the gift of His Holy Spirit that fills me and guides me each moment.  My life has been enhanced by my dog, Annie.  She challenged me to stay active, to enjoy life, to be patient, to listen to the pain and hurt of others, to enjoy relationships, and to eat treats each day.

As we grieve our losses in life, we learn to release them to Heaven to live.  I believe Annie is running now in Heaven.  She has met my other dog, Specs, and they are playing together with Dave watching over them.  Releasing Annie has given me my last release of Dave so that we can both live fully – me on Earth and Dave in Heaven.  Dave and I adopted Annie on our wedding Anniversary therefore her name “Annie” for Anniversary.  Annie was Dave’s dog who became mine at His death.  I can now release Annie into God’s and Dave’s tender care.

There is a hole in my heart and grief fills my soul as I release Annie.  I am thankful for Annie’s life, and I am assured she is running in Heaven.  Heaven is filled with everything good God created.  Releasing Annie gives me the freedom to live into this next chapter of life without being responsible for her care.  Release allows us to live differently into this life.

Run, Annie Girl.  Run in Heaven.

Peace In Trusting

“You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.”  Isaiah 26:3 (NIV)

As I write these words, I am sitting in my sunroom with my faithful companion dog, Annie.  She is at my feet on her prayer quilt made by sister.  Annie has been constantly by my side since my husband, Dave died.  She grieved with me, provided companionship so I would never be alone, and has gone to work with me as my therapy dog.  Annie has kept me active by walking and running with me.  Now Annie is preparing to cross over the rainbow bridge to run again in Heaven.  She has end stage diabetes, and it is just a matter of time.

Annie is still eating and drinking but sleeps most of the time.  She takes short walks and has lost weight and muscle tone.  It is a slow good-bye.  Her eyes tell me every day that she is getting tired.  Letting go is difficult for both of us.  It is knowing for me when it is time to release her.  The vet tells me I will know.  I believe God will let me know because He already knows.  I do not need to worry because God known when and what is going to happen.  I am at peace trusting God with my faithful companion even though it is sad and difficult.

Peace is knowing God is beside you and resting in that assurance.  You do not have to be anxious nor worry because God is in control and walking beside you.  Peace is not dependent upon the circumstances around you.  You can still be sad and have peace.  Peace is more about trusting God with all the unknowns of life.  It is giving to God your fears and your need to control and figure out each situation.  Peace is an inner contentment that trusts God even when you do not understand.

So many times in life we demand an answer to the “why?”  Why would someone kill innocent children?  Why would someone so full of life and purpose get cancer?  Why would God allow such evil and pain?  When we live in the whys of life, we are filled with anxiety, anger, and struggle.  It is not that I am denying all the evil, wrong, pain and heartache of this world, nor am I being naïve. I am trusting God that He knows the big picture and will bring good out of the situation in His time.  This does not justify evil or pain, but faces the reality of life that evil and pain happen so now what I am going to do about it?  I am going to trust God not my anxiety or worry or anger.

It is releasing the anxiety of the future by trusting God in the present.  It is trusting God’s timing not my desire to control.  I am trusting my dog, Annie is in God’s care.  I love and care for her and know God will release her to Heaven someday where she will be whole again and run and play.  Yes, I do believe dogs go to Heaven.  God created animals in His perfect world so Heaven is perfect, therefore, all God created that was good will be in Heaven.

I am trusting God in what I cannot see – the future and the timing of when change will happen.  Trust is not easy, but with trust comes peace.  Instead of planning everything and trying to fix and control the events of the future, I am trusting God and relaxing in God’s presence.  I trust God will lead me.  I am trusting God in each situation and focusing on God with me.  When we focus on all our thoughts, anxiety is heightened, and we go inward thinking we need to be in control of the outcome of everything around us.  There is no peace because we are trusting in ourselves to accomplish everything.  This is exhausting and overwhelming.  We are not living in the present, but our thoughts are focused on the future.  We become afraid of all the unknowns of life.

Peace is trusting that God has us.  Peace is trusting God knows everything.  Peace is trusting God will walk us through whatever situation we are in if we release it to God and take His hand on the journey through it.  Peace for me is trusting God with my faithful companion.  God will hold her close and me as we journey together.  I am at peace.  I am still sad.  I am trusting God.

Releasing Repetition

“What a glorious Lord!  He who daily bears our burdens also give us our salvation.”  Psalm 68:19

I have a daily routine.  When I arise in the morning, I do my stretches, morning walk, run, lift weights, and then drink my protein shake while reading my devotions.  I spend time praying on my run and listening to God through the words of my devotions.  I read a chapter of the Bible and post on Facebook a verse from the chapter.  My routine has meaning and purpose.  It is healthy for my soul and body.  I look forward to how God will speak to me.  I feel an accomplishment through my physical exercise.  Sometimes through nature – the birds, the sunrise, the deer – I see and hear God’s presence.  Sometimes God gives me a thought or word.  Sometimes a verse of Scripture speaks directly to my heart.  The routine is regular and fulfilling.

But one morning during my morning run and prayer time, God spoke to me and brought conviction to my prayer time.  It had become so routine that it was repetitive.  I was praying the same thing every day as if God was forgetful and I had to remind Him of my concerns and needs.  My prayer was becoming so routine that I was in a rut.  While I was listening to God and God spoke new and different thoughts and ideas to me, I was repeating the same conversation back to Him.

A routine is good as long as it has meaning, value, and purpose.  When it becomes negative and mundane, it becomes a rut.  A rut is dull and unproductive and very difficult to change because it becomes comfortable and familiar even though it is unhealthy.  There is no growth when you are stuck in a rut.  We cannot always change our routine totally, but we can change our attitude toward it and vary it by changing the sequence or adding different touches to it.

So when our prayers become routine and repetitive, it is time to change our prayers.  Praying is being in God’s Presence and desiring to communicate and grow closer to the One who loves us.  So some days, I just sigh and listen to the Spirit within me.  I thank God for the day and what is around me instead of going through my list of concerns.  I still pray for my needs and the people who need prayer, but it is throughout the day.  It is trusting God with those I continue to hold close and claiming His watchful care upon them.  It is thanking God for being with them.  My run prayer time is becoming more a time to thank God and to trust Him for today and to listen to what God is saying to me through His Spirit.

It is releasing the need to keep telling God what He already knows and to trust His will.  It is saying to God, “I am still trusting you in the situation.”  Releasing the repetition challenges us to grow in our relationship with God by being open to new thoughts and guidance from the Holy Spirit instead of going around in circles saying the same thing and never growing closer to Him.

If we can begin to release the repetition in our spiritual life, can we begin to get out of the daily rut of our lives and thoughts?  First, we need to be aware of the rut of our anxious thoughts swirling around in our heads.  The dailyness of life can be changed by doing things differently, focusing on finding God in each moment, and being grateful.  But the rut of worry and anxiety runs deep and familiar.

Anxiety and worry is a repetition of a constant fear of the unknown so we create scenarios of what could happened and keep worrying about it.  Anxiety is thoughts on what is the worst that could happen.  So to begin, we need to release to God our need to plan for disaster and begin to trust that God is in control.  It is relaxing in God’s presence and trust He will lead you each step of the way.  It is surrendering control of the future to God.  He is already there, you are not.  You are in the present, so live fully in the present.

Resting My Thoughts

“Yes my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him.”  Psalm 62:5

The sunshine and the smell of Spring has always brought the thoughts of Spring cleaning.  The cleaning of windows, curtains, and deep cleaning of each room and outside the winter clean up in anticipation of Spring planting.  The smells of Spring trigger reminders of years past and the preparation of planting season on the farm.  This year just living in my space for a year, I have no thoughts of these tasks.  I am waiting for the condo yard crew to do the outside work and with all the updating of the inside, the organizing and cleaning is complete.  I am resting from the labor and the thoughts and planning.

Now I am pondering the concept of rest – the resting of my thoughts not just my body.  For some of you, your thoughts never stop.  It is like a merry-go-round in your head.  Thoughts race around concerning the future.  These thoughts lead to worry and anxiety.  They never stop and you are exhausted mentally and physically because your thoughts do not cease to allow you to sleep peacefully.

These thoughts feed your worry.  Worry creates anxiety.  Worry is being fearful that nobody is in control, and you take on the role.  Worry does not see anybody handling the situation or relationship in the future not even God.  This worry heightens your anxiety and you begin to put feelings and emotions into future events that you have not yet experienced.  They are just events on a calendar without emotions attached, but when you take today’s feelings and emotions and put them into the future, you create fear and worry.  You take away peace from the present, too.  You never rest your mind which prevents your body from completely resting.

Rest.  We associate rest with inactivity, being lazy, not accomplishing anything.  It is a luxury we cannot claim.  Rest is impossible you say with your demands, schedule, and responsibilities.  I am coming to realize rest is so much more.  Rest is a freedom.  Rest is silence for a period of time.  Rest is not inactivity only.  Rest is purposeful.  Rest is needed.

I am learning to rest my thoughts which means I am resting from anxiety and worry.  It is choosing to rest in the present with my thoughts not focusing on the future.  I am resting in God’s presence and strength.  It is resting in the assurance God is in control.  God cares.  God loves me.  God has the future.  Resting in God’s power, presence, and trusting the future to God.  This frees me from worry when I live in the present.  I rest my hand in God’s hand.  I rest my spirit in the Holy Spirit or more clearly, the Holy Spirit rests or abides within me.

Rest is a peace and contentment that I do not have to be busy and exhausted and overwhelmed and feel guilty about all that I think I should be doing.  Rest is beginning each day with a blank slate and listening to God’s plan and guidance, “What do you, God, have for me today?”  The world values busy, exhausted, overworked achievers.  We see value in accomplishing tasks.  Yes, having purpose and completing tasks gives us meaning.  Jesus talked about going away to rest and resting in God’s presence through prayer. Jesus saw that meaning and purpose came from God not from the world.

Resting is slowing down our thoughts of negativity and the fear of not doing enough and defining ourselves by our work. God loves us not for what we do but because we are His children.  God wants us to spend time resting in His Presence and enjoying His company.  It is finding joy just being with God.

Yes, we all have tasks we have to do because we live in this world and have other people dependent on us.  But you can rest your thoughts in Jesus and focus on today.  It is not worrying about what could happen in the future.  Rest in the present.  Find peace in the moment.

Cacophony of Life

“Let me hear what God the Lord will speak, for he will speak peace to his people, to his faithful, to those who turn to him in their hearts.”   Psalm 85:8

As Spring approaches, I am beginning to hear the sweet songs of the morning birds on my run.  As I was thanking God for these beautiful sounds, my prayer was interrupted by the squawk of a crow, the honk of the geese, the siren from the firetruck and then the squeal of tires.  It was quite a cacophony as the sun was rising.

A cacophony is a discordant mixture of sounds.  Some of these sounds are unharmonious and disagreeable while others sound like just a lot of loud racket. Still other sounds blend into the morning menagerie as the earth awakens to a new day.

So what is the cacophony in your own head?  I believe we each have a lot of sounds, voices, words that go around in our head that disagree and do not make sense.  Thoughts jump in and we wonder where they came from.  When we attempt to make a decision, it seems like conflicting views battle inside our head preventing us from make a choice.

Then we step out into the world and the cacophony is even stronger.  The mixture of voices and opinions bombard us on media and even in the conversations with friends and strangers.  It seems people are very willing to express their view on any subject even if they have no knowledge.

As we live into our different life, we recognize some days the thoughts and voices in our head are conflicting and full of anxiety, worry, and fear, but we also include our prayers and Scripture into this mixture.  We worry about our future and if we are making the right decisions.  It feels so overwhelming with the weight of the load on our shoulders.  But we began the day trusting God and confident that we can do this and God is with us.  Then we step into life and doubt and fear and worry take over.

Sometimes we plan our day, week, and life and expect God to bless it and follow our plan.  Other times we just go on our own strength thinking we need to do more and prove ourselves to God.  We need to show God we are worthy of His presence and blessing.  Other times we just go alone not even considering or thinking about God.  The sounds of our life are jumbled with no distinctive peaceful melody.

Why does life feel like a cacophony?  So confusing without contentment and peace.  I believe we attempt to use only our strength to live, and we barely survive under the heavy load.  We are easily overwhelmed and exhausted relying only on our own strength and power.

Surrender is the key to release all these voices and sounds and find the peaceful melody of life God intended for us to experience.  Surrender to God every part of you.  Sit with Jesus and hold his hand.  Allow the Holy Spirit to speak to your heart.  Listen to the voice of the Spirit not the cacophony within your head and the world.  How do you listen?  First, just sit still, be quiet, and pray without words.  Just sigh and reach out your hand and take the hand of God.  See each day as a clean slate for God to fill not you.  As we live in the present moment with God, our focus is on God not our worries and fears.  Keep pulling yourself back to the present moment and take the hand of Jesus.  Listen to the peaceful melody of the Spirit within your soul.  Allow the Holy Spirit to fill you with strength and courage and peace.

Turbulences of Life

“But we rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not disappoint us.”  Romans 5:3-5

On a recent long airplane flight, we encountered turbulence.  The pilot came on the speaker and asked everyone to stay seated with seat belts fastened including all the flight attendants.  A few minutes later, the pilot spoke again.  He had checked with pilots in a two-hundred-mile radius, and they were all encountering the same turbulence.  So there was no flying around or out of this intense air stream.  He said, “Just hold on and we will get through this.”

It was the worst turbulence I had ever experienced.  The plane rattled, dropped, jumped, shuddered, and rocked back and forth.  It sounded like the plane was being torn apart.  Everyone on the plane was quiet until a gust of wind hit and we all jumped and you heard, “Oh, no.”  There was nothing anybody could do but stay seated, hold on and pray.  And that is what we did for almost two hours.  It was intense during those two long hours.  We were strangers on a plane who became bonded together out of fear.  We talked each other through it and gave each other support just being present together.

Turbulence is a time of unsteady movement, roughness, turmoil, unrest, confusion, troubles, and disturbances.  It is when there is no calmness or peace.  Turbulence happens in life not just on airplanes.  You have each experienced troubled times when you had no control and did not know if you would survive.  Every part of your being was rattled, and all you could do was cry out in the darkness hoping God was listening and just be in the intensity of the turmoil.  Some of you are still in the midst of this disturbance.  You will need to just hold on and ride it out trusting God is beside you even if you do not feel His presence.  God may not take you out of this storm, but He will be with you through it.

Some of you have made it through the current turbulence and feel like you are on some solid ground.  When the plane landed, I was so thankful to be on the ground.  My body was still feeling the tension of the flight, but I survived and I thanked God for His protection.  I was glad it was over.  You have survived.  You were not sure for awhile because you were consumed by the turmoil of life.  You persevered.  You survived.  You prayed and cried out to God during the storm trusting and hoping He was really with you.

Turbulence is not something you can plan for or even prevent.  I did not expect it on our flight.  I knew the pilot was trained how to fly the plane through it.  I had to trust his expertise, but I also knew the pilot had no control over the power of nature.  You have no control when the troubles will hit you, but we live in a broken world so they are inevitable.

You may not know what to do in the troubles of life, but God does.  We just need to trust Him even when we cannot see our way through the confusion, hurt, and troubles of the present.  Trust the Pilot of your life – Jesus.  Even if you plan for the unrest and troubles of life, you cannot change it or prevent it from happening.  You will just spend your life in high anxiety and worry.  You will not live and take risks out of fear of something bad happening.  Turbulence is always a risk when you fly, but it does not always happen.  Some flights are very smooth.  It was a smooth and easy flight on the way home.  Turbulence will happen in life.  You cannot control it or stop it.  So the question is – how are you going to deal with it? 

My choice has been to hold God’s hand and trust Him in the present.  It is living in the moment more and releasing the future to God.  As troubles come, I am trying to learn from them, grow in them and develop who I am – my character – because of what I have experienced.  I have hope that the troubles will not last forever.  They have a purpose.  But most of all, I grow closer to Jesus as He holds my hand.

Angles to Angels

“Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith…”  Hebrews 12:2 NIV

While walking the beach, stones and coral covered the sand and continued to wash up on the shore with each ocean wave that pounded the shoreline.  Depending on the angle I looked at these rocks, I could see different designs in the stones.  Some looked like animal shapes, some letters of the alphabet, and some just a glob of volcanic lava melted together.  I found a couple of heart shaped stones and two shaped like angels.  We even found rocks to spell out O-H-I-O.

I noticed that some people never looked down at the stones and therefore missed the angle of imagining the shapes.  Some people just watched the ocean and looked for whales.  Others just looked down at the rocks and never noticed the whales coming up to the surface.  Some never saw the mountains or the clouds or the beautiful sky because their angle was the beach and the stones.  It depends where one’s focus is and the angle of one’s gaze what you see and experience.

If I stood on the beach and looked one direction, I saw the mountains.  If I turned and looked another direction, I only saw the ocean.  If I turned halfway again, I saw the grass and villas.  It depended on my angle what I saw. An angle is a particular way of considering or approaching an issue, situation or scene.  It gives us different perspectives as we change angles.  It depends upon where we place our focus and our point of view.

How we see life depends on our heart, our perspective, our basic beliefs, and what we are looking for in life.  What we have experienced in our lives influences our perspective.  Each of us have a different angle in which we view life and interpret its meaning.

What are you searching for in life today?  It can be the search for the perfect gift, the most beautiful painting, the outfit that flatters, the food that tastes delicious, but none of these material possessions tend to satisfy for very long.  They do not bring a lasting peace and contentment to our hearts.  The pursuit of what is missing and what seems so allusive continues.  We may long for what we lost and wish we still had in life.

We may focus on the unfairness of life, the hurts, the losses, the brokenness and only see the pain and unfairness that life has offered us.  Our hearts may hurt and we view everything through this pain.  We cannot change the past nor what has happened, but it does not need to define who we are.  The past will always be a part of us, and it continues to influence us and be the reason we can learn and grow and change.  If our angle is only on the past and the hurt and pain, everything in life will feel empty and heavy and overwhelming because the past cannot be changed.  We will stay stuck in this perspective that life will always cause hurt and pain.

Just like the beach, I need to look at all the angles to see everything around me and realize life is filled with many different views and adventures.  I have to shift my focus and see the good that can come even out of the hurt and pain.  I need to look at all the angles in life.  Each angle has beauty.  It is incorporating all the angles into life to experience the depth and beauty and also the challenges.  All the angles enhance life and define us more completely.

I have a friend that always spells “angel” like “angle.”  So in pondering the angles of life, I realize if we would see the angles more like angels – messengers of God, the angles would be seen through God’s message.  That is, if we looked at every situation and realized God was giving us a message, we would be much more aware of God’s presence each moment.  We would see God in all the angles of life and look for the meaning and purpose of the angle.  Life would become seeking to find God in all the moments of life – in all the angles!

Restore My Soul

“He restores my soul.” Psalm 23:3

As I sit in paradise listening to the birds, the ocean waves, and feel the warm breeze, the cares of daily life vanish from my thoughts. Why does it take getting away to slow down our thoughts? I believe it is because we do not rest daily in God`s presence. We attempt to control and fix and figure things out on our own.

The words I heard on my morning run on the beach was “I restore your soul.” Nothing in this world restores us. We are refreshed by a vacation. Renewed in worship. Relaxed with a massage or nap.

To restore is to bring back, to return to a former condition, to repair. God created us in His image and to live in His constant presence. God rejoices and sings over us and delights in us. Sin separated us from our Creator and God wants to restore us to our original relationship with Him.

But when life is hard and the waves of life beat hard against the shoreline of our lives, we wonder where God is and sometimes become angry with what life has dealt us. We attempt to go alone and fix our own lives. We find other things to be the center of life - other people, work, sports, our home, but not God. We do not leave God totally out, but we do not trust Him to take care of our every need. We believe but we are not restored.

Restore is to admit that we cannot figure out how to find peace and contentment in this broken world by ourselves. It is allowing God to have control of every aspect of our lives, and be restored to how God originally created us to be which is in His constant presence. It is being forgiven through His grace and living as loved and forgiven children.

To be restored is living in the light of Jesus not the darkness of this world. It is focusing on the present and living in each moment. It is seeing the relationship with Jesus as most important not the tasks of life. It is living in the gift of the moment not worrying about the future and what could happen. It is being thankful for the past experiences and relationships. Our souls are restored in breathing in the Spirit of God and allowing His breath to fill you with His peace, presence, power, and stillness. Our souls are restored through the Holy Spirit that dwells within you.

Release The Darkness

“In the past you were full of darkness, but now you are full of light in the Lord.  So live like children who belong to the light.”  Ephesians 5:8

She had accepted that her husband was now in Heaven.  She had released him to live with God.  That chapter of her life was complete.  The memories and the influence remained in her heart and the love continued.  So why was there still a feeling of darkness around her?

Darkness is associated with the unknown, with fear, with evil, with being unable to find one’s way.  It is the absence of light.  Darkness is also a way to express our feelings of gloom and despair.  Spiritually, darkness expresses our separation from God and our hopelessness.

The darkness of loss is filled with our feelings of being lonely, lost, and not knowing how to find ourselves and the light of this different life.  When the darkness of grief begins to lighten and the intensity is not so overwhelming, we begin to look at who are we now?  That is when the darkness of our souls and self seems to invade the progress toward light and life. 

The darkness is present because we may never have known who we really were in any relationship.  We became what the situation needed or what others expected.  When we look deep inside ourselves, all we see is darkness because we have not defined ourselves in the light of Jesus yet.  Oh, others may see us as light and joy, but inwardly we are lost and dark and so unsure of how to maneuver on the path toward light and life.

Anxiety, worry, depression, guilt, shame, sin, and so much more fuel the darkness and the belief that this is who we really are, and we will remain in this sadness and darkness forever.  Yes, these feelings are real and intense and describe where we have been and how we have felt.  But when we focus only on the darkness of our souls, we miss the light.  We cannot deny this part of life, but it is not all there is to life.

We need to change our focus.  Darkness is present in this world.  It always will be, but there is also light which reflects hope, joy, peace, life, different, change.  It is all there.  Yes, it is hard.  Yes, we will still miss our loved one,  Yes, we will need to keep choosing each day to turn toward the light and be intentional in choosing to live.  We need to let go of the familiar and the comfort of the darkness.  We do not want to be comfortable in the darkness, but it is so familiar but so lonely and empty.  Release trying to live in the past – that is where the darkness dwells.  Release to be set free from the confinement of the pain and hurt.  It will consume if you let it.  It will always be waiting for you in the darkness.

Release is not forgetting.  It is allowing life to continue on a different path.  It is choosing to forgive, to heal, to live despite the loss and pain and change.  It is choosing not to live in the disappointments of life.  I have been learning to choose to follow the light and live in the present.  To truly experience life and find the good.  I have felt the hurt and disenchantments of life but have not allowed them to pull me so deep into the darkness that I could not see the light of Jesus reach out to me.

It is living as children who belong to the light.  You may not feel the joy and peace but you are choosing to begin to walk toward the peace and joy that Jesus gives.  It is opening yourself to the possibility of being filled with Jesus who not only brings hope and light but also lightens your burdens and load.  He offers to carry you through and hold your hand into the light of life each day.

Safe Place

“Those who go to God Most High for safety will be protected by the Almighty.  I will say to the Lord, “You are my place of safety and protection.  You are my God and I trust you.” Psalm 91:1-2

Her safe place was her home, so she thought.  When she needed to retreat because of a conflict and feeling hurt, she hurried home, but it did not feel safe anymore.  Her husband had died, and she realized it was not her home but her husband who made her feel safe and secure.

That feeling of being safe and secure is allusive in our world today with mass shootings, storms, and conflicts.  We lock our doors.  We have locked safes in our homes for our valuables.  We lock our cars, our offices, and our bikes.  We have codes and passwords on our accounts and computers.  We have security systems and virus protections.  We desire to feel safe and secure with our finances, our possessions, and our families.  We want to feel emotionally secure, too, but we may feel emotionally attacked and do not want to risk getting hurt again. 

I know when my dog, Annie feels safe and secure.  She lays down and rolls over to have her belly rubbed and soon falls asleep.  As long as she is being touched, she feels secure.  She trusts me that I will protect her from hurt and harm.  For several years, Annie was my security.  She was with me constantly after my husband died.  I relied on her for companionship but also to be with me when I felt alone.  What does it mean to feel safe and secure?  It is to be protected from danger.  To be secure means to be attached to something firmly.  To be fastened to, connected, anchored.  My dog is attached to me, and I am to her.

As you experience life and take steps to live into the life you now have, you desire a safe place to share your feelings, emotions, and struggles that is free from judgment and expectations.  Your spouse may have been that safe person with whom you vented and shared your inner most expressions.  You may have a trusted friend or counselor whom you share the inner part of yourself that is hidden from others.

As a counselor, I have tried to create a safe place without judgment to process feelings, emotions, and the struggles of life.  It is the Holy Spirit through me that discerns, listens, and challenges.  People unintentionally though hurt others.  We misunderstand and have expectations that are not met.  We disappoint each other and break trust.  Our safety net and security is destroyed.  We feel alone and vulnerable without protection as we attempt to live into this new and different life.

When everything on the outside feels unsafe and I feel no protection or security around me, I turn inward and anchor myself in the One who is always there – Jesus.  My safe place is not found in any earthly relationship or place.  It is only in God.  My safe place is in my heart where Jesus’ Spirit dwells.  It has taken time for me to get to this place on the journey of life.  But loss and disappointments have made me aware that the connection that never changes is Jesus.  When life becomes overwhelming and people disappoint, I have had to find peace and protection in Jesus.  I turn to the only safe place which is my own heart.  I just sit with Jesus and He holds my hand.  I do not have to do anything but just be in His presence.  I begin to release the outward pressures to perform and achieve and control because none of that feels safe anymore.  Security is found in being in God’s presence and living in the moment with Him.  It is letting go and breathing in the peace and presence of God.  Try it!

The Conundrum of Life

“And when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left, your ears shall hear a word behind you saying, “This is the way; walk in it.”                             Isaiah 30:21 (RSV)

Recently I talked with a widow who wondered when she would know who she is in this different life.  She wanted to live this life, but she had no idea who she was and how to figure out life.  She was in a conundrum.

A conundrum is a confusing and difficult problem or question.  It leaves a person in a quandary or dilemma not knowing what to do in a situation or how to answer the puzzle.  It feels like you do not know what choice or decision to make.  We have all experienced this at some time in our lives.  We are confused about what to do.  We do not know the right way to go.  We feel the weight of making a decision. 

We desire something different, but we get into a rut in our daily lives.  It can be in our work, our marriage, our family relationships, or our daily routine.  We tell ourselves that we need to change, but the daily rut becomes too familiar and comfortable.  It is a struggle.  How do we choose to take steps out of this rut?  If we do, then what?  It is unfamiliar, and we say to ourselves, “What if I mess up and it does not work out?”  We are afraid of failure so we do not try, or we know we will not be good enough so we do nothing.

These thoughts and feelings are real and are defeating.  They keep us from even starting on a new path.  The conundrum of life bases everything on our own strength, determination, and abilities.  When we focus on our failures of the past – our track record – we are already defeated.  We have tried and messed up on other attempts so why will this time be different? So we go back to our rut thinking it is an okay routine.

Routine can be good if it is healthy.  I have a morning routine.  I get up around the same time, do my morning stretches, walk my dog, Annie, then run three and a half miles, lift my weights, drink my protein shake, and spend time with God in my morning devotions.  I am caring for my body, God’s temple, during this routine.  I pray as I run releasing my emotions and feelings, and my devotional time brings hope to my mind and spirit.  I humbly share this with you to affirm routines can be healthy.  A rut is not healthy – it is a place where you are stuck.  A rut is a habit or pattern that has become dull and unproductive.  It feels like a dead end.

So how do you get out of your rut, know what direction to go and figure out who you are now?  How do you answer the conundrum of your life?  Good question.  I cannot give a specific answer for your life, but I know who can. The Holy Spirit.  The Holy Spirit is the Spirit of Jesus that lives within you when you receive Jesus as your Lord and Savior.  The Holy Spirit is our Helper, Counselor, Guide, and Advocate.  The Spirit’s purpose is to give to you power and to energize you.  The Spirit comes beside you to teach and guide you.  The Spirit carries the burdens of life you were not intended to carry. 

Some of the reason for our ruts is that we still see ourselves as the one who messed up and does not deserve another chance and a good life with meaning and purpose.  Our worry and anxiety keep us stuck and in a quandary.  We worry about what could happen and fear the future.  We cannot calm our inner fears and worries.  This weakens us, makes us feel overwhelmed, tense and afraid to change and find out who we really are now.  We define ourselves based on our anxiety, fear, worry, and “stuckness.”

The answer is the calming peace of the Holy Spirit.  The Spirit lives in our hearts.  We need to release the power of the Spirit.  The Spirit can bring calmness and peace within us.  Our circumstances may not change, but our outlook and attitude will because it is the Spirit working through us not our own weariness.  The Spirit is gentle and sweet.  This reminds me of the song – “Sweet, Sweet Spirit” –

“There’s a sweet, sweet Spirit in this place

And I know that it’s the Spirit of the Lord.” 

When we do not know who we are or which direction to go, consult the Spirit.  It is like a maternal tenderness like my mom.  This past week would have been my mom’s birthday.  I saved the letters she wrote to me while I was in college and serving my first churches before we started calling each day.  In these letters are words of tenderness and support, guidance, and direction along with the family news.  There was a sweet Spirit in my mom. 

The Holy Spirit will soothe our anxious thoughts and give us peace.  The Spirit also gives us power, guidance, and reminds us we are chosen and loved.  When you have a conundrum in life and do not know what to do, turn to the Holy Spirit that is within you.  First worship and then listen and then follow.

"Get Used To Different"

“Sitting down, Jesus called the Twelve and said, “If anyone wants to be first, he must be the very last, and the servant of all.”   Mark 9:35 NIV

I have been watching on TV the series of “The Chosen” which brings alive the Gospels and how Jesus chose his twelve disciples and lived his ministry here on earth.  In one of the episodes, Peter says, “that was different.”  Jesus responds, “Get used to different.”

We tend to develop routines which are good to keep us structured and organized.  We frequent the same stores and restaurants though sometimes venturing out to try something a friend recommends.  We wear the same clothes because they feel comfortable.  Over the past years of the COVID pandemic, some have kept to their small family group and stayed more at home.  It has become familiar and comfortable.

But then something happens that shakes our familiar, our routine, our security, our daily normal life.  And life becomes different.  We change.  Life changes.  We are different in how we view the world and cannot grasp how and why life was turned upside down.  Life was good, and now we feel uncertain and question everything.  Life is different and we do not want it to be and desire how life used to be.

So how do we get used to the different because the old life is not coming back?  For me, I had to take the layers off of life and find the core of myself and my anchor.  Everything around me looked and felt different even though others seemed not to recognize it.  How I viewed life, relationships, and priorities became different because of loss.  It felt like my relationship with God was different, too, and it was.  I recognized my dependency was in God alone, and I grew closer to Him.  I was not strong enough to journey alone nor was I made to go alone.  My anchor, my firm foundation was in God who never changes.  When I focused on God, my Father, who loves me and is my safety and security, I began to live in this different life.  I did not embrace it at first but acknowledged this is what I now have.  I am embracing this different life now.

Life will never stay the same because we were designed to change and grow. You do not look or act like you did twenty years ago.  You grow, mature, and change, so why would not your life and relationships change and be different?

This journey of life with Jesus requires us to embrace being different than the world.  In the series, “The Chosen,” Jesus chooses his disciples for their uniqueness and embraces their differences.  Jesus affirms their abilities and assures them they will understand the purpose and mission as they live close to Him.

Your life is different than you expected and planned.  You cannot change the loss and the pain and hurt that comes from it.  It has made you who you are not be choice but because of the events of your life.

I have been on the search for who I am in this different life.  I am getting used to different and embracing it.  I even look for ways to be different and to incorporate different things into my life.  Instead of fighting against the different and trying to maintain the familiar and comfortable, I desire to find the different.  In this quest, the things the world and others say are what I should be doing or worrying about, I am releasing to God.  I am depending more on God not on pleasing others or living in the expectations of others.  It is saying “no” to whatever distracts me from living closer to Jesus.  It is not worrying and being anxious about future events that are out of my control.  It is being present in the moment with Jesus, and it is relying on His Spirit to give me strength, words, direction, and peace.

Life is going to be different.  You can struggle against it trying to maintain an old normal, familiar routine that will never satisfy because there is always an empty space because of loss.  Or you can get used to different and embrace Jesus who walks with you in this different.  When you turn to Jesus, you will find yourself living in this different life.

Listening With The Soul

“For God alone my soul waits in silence, for my hope is from him.  He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress, I shall not be shaken.”  Psalm 62:5-6

I visited a dear couple that were in the church I first served in ministry.  She is currently in a memory care facility, and he visits her twice a day.  The second time, he brings her cookies for her afternoon snack and feeds them to her.  Her eyes were closed as we talked, and he shared stories of their sixty-six years of marriage.  Dementia has taken her voice and body but not her soul.  When the caregivers moved her into her wheelchair, she opened her eyes and looked deep into my eyes.  I could see she was still in her body, and I looked deep into her soul.  She was listening with her soul.

As he shared with me over lunch, I listened to my friend’s heart and soul – a soul that was lonely and hurting for the one he loved.  I listen to his tears, his commitment, and his abiding love for his wife.  He treasured the moments when she looked at him.  The moments she returned a hand squeeze.  The moments where their souls remained connected.

Disease or death may take the body, but love maintains the soul and love never ends.  The soul is what makes a person alive.  It is the essence of the person.  We grieve the loss of touch, presence, and companionship.  Tears express the words of love.  I listened to the sweetness of my friend’s tears as he talked of their life together and their enduring love.  I hugged my friend who was like a dad to me when I began my ministry.  I felt his sorrow, but I also experienced the joy of a life well lived and shared together.  He loved when life was tough and that is commitment.

As I reflected on my visit with my dear friends, a song came into my heart – “Turn Your Eyes upon Jesus.”  Here is the first verse and chorus –

O soul are you weary and troubled

No light in the darkness you see

There’s light for a look at the Savior

And life more abundant and free 

Turn your eyes upon Jesus

Look full in his wonderful face

And the things of earth will grow strangely dim

In the light of his glory and grace 

When we listen to the world, the news, social media, negative people and our own sadness, our souls are weary and troubled. The darkness is consuming.  Our souls are exhausted from attempting to do everything that is expected and even necessary.  When the focus is on all the work and tasks of life the burden is intense.  We are focusing on the world, the hurt, the sadness, the overwhelming work, and it feels like we have to do it all alone.  Life feels impossible.

That is when we need to turn to Jesus.  Look full into the face of Jesus.  What we thought was insurmountable, the light of Jesus makes everything pale in comparison.  When my friend’s wife looked full into his face, the disease of dementia was gone for a moment and all that was present was love.

When we turn our eyes to Jesus our souls find peace in His presence.  We need to live more in these moments.  Keep turning toward Jesus.  When the world and the sorrow of life overwhelm, turn to Jesus.  When it seems impossible to live in this different life, turn to Jesus.  When you are searching for hope and purpose, turn first to Jesus.  “Look full in his wonderful face.  And the things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of his glory and grace.”

Essence of Me

“God decided to let his people know this rich and glorious secret which he has for all people.  This secret is Christ himself who is in you.  He is our only hope for glory.”   Colossians 1:27 NCV

Recently I was looking through some old pictures and scrapbooks.  Yes, they are filled with memories of the past, but this time I looked at myself in those pictures.  Who was I in each picture?  Yes, physically I have matured and changed, but the essence of me is still the same.  Who was I in relationship with family and friends in those photos?  I looked into my eyes and tried to remember me.

Essence is the nature and quality of something.  It is our soul or spirit, the center of who we are.  We mature and grow over the years and life situations affect us and change our outlook and perspective on life, but the core of who we are was created by God.  I believe we do not fully develop this inner being until we are seasoned by life, heartaches, challenges, and spiritual growth.  It takes time.

As we walk through the journey of grief and loss, one of the most difficult aspects is figuring out who we are now.  No matter the loss, we have been changed because of it.  How we define ourselves and how we interact with others feels unsettled and no longer normal or comfortable.  The essence has been affected by the pain and emptiness of life, and we do not recognize who we are.

You may have lost yourself years ago as you became a people pleaser.  You started out caring for others and their needs, but your worth got wrapped up in how others viewed you.  You avoided conflict to please others then developed the need to be validated by them.  But you lost yourself, the essence of you, and became what others wanted you to be.  Your worth was seen in the acceptance of others at the expense of yourself.  You are exhausted because you have not been who you were created to be.  Allowing others not God to define you leaves you empty and weary.

In this new year, let’s try a different path.  God is the one who created you.  You are His child.  God sees you as loved, forgiven, special, having worth and value because we are His children.  You are enough just being you.  The Spirit of Jesus, the Holy Spirit, dwells within you.  That is the secret.

Some of you may feel you lost your value, worth and purpose when your loved one died.  You feel lost.  You are more than the relationship.  It helped to add to the quality of your life and build on your foundation of life.  The essence of who you are is still in you.  You take yourself – who you are - with you throughout all of life.  You have been lost, forgotten, loved, misunderstood, valued, challenged, not good enough, trusted and a mix of so much more.

As you walk into this new year, take who you are with you, not who others expect or who you think others want you to be.  Be bold.  Be you.  Don’t know who you are now?  The first step into finding who you are is to ground yourself into the essence – the natural quality – of yourself.  This is found in God’s love and grace which is given to you through the Holy Spirit.  The Spirit does all the work.  We just surrender to his working in our soul.  You are loved by God who created you.  Your value and worth is in God’s love not how other people view you.

Everywhere you go, you take yourself with you.  Start enjoying your own company.  Start taking opportunities to live in the moments in front of you.  Start accepting yourself for who you are.   Give yourself permission to step into life for moments at a time.  Forgive yourself.  Love who you are now and who you are becoming.  You cannot change the past. It has helped to define you.  You get a choice of who you are now in the present and future.  Let go of pleasing others and be free of the exhaustion it has created.  Choose to step into the essence of who you are. 

Walking Into

“For you have delivered me from death and my feet from stumbling, that I may walk before God in the light of life.”    Psalm 56:13

Through the snow and cold, I continued to walk my dog every day.  I bundled up as much as I could and braved the wind, snow, and bitter cold. The weather did not bother my dog, Annie at all.  It was when I turned into the direction of the wind, that the sharp wind took my breath away for a moment and my dog’s ears looked like she was flying.  It was difficult to keep walking into the wind, but I knew I would turn around soon and be able to push through the walk each day.  Now the weather has warmed up and the snow and ice are melting, and it is easier to walk without the layers of clothing.  When the sun comes out, it feels warm and refreshing to take our walks.

Life is like my walks.  As the journey of grief and change begins, the bitter cold of the pain and sadness is felt.  It feels like we are trudging into the wind of life.  Nothing is easy, and it feels so cold, empty, and alone.  The weight of grief is like the layers of clothing, and it is so difficult to drag oneself through each moment.  The steps are heavy, and the exhaustion is felt in the harsh conditions of grief.  It feels like this will never end and there is no relief in sight.

Some of you are walking right into the strong winds of pain, sorrow, and loss.  It is so fresh and hits you in the face each morning you awake.  You feel overwhelmed and exhausted and just want to give up.  Keep trudging.  You are not alone.  It feels like you are barely moving and all alone.  God is holding your hand and when you fall, and you will, God will be right beside you to pick you up and even carry you.  You will never walk alone.

Some of you have been walking through the grief and while you will never forget, you do not want to keep trudging in the pain.  It is okay to go through it and walk into life.  You can turn in a different direction and focus on being grateful and thankful for the life you had and the love that remains a part of who you are.  You know you cannot live in the past and change what has happened.  You desire to walk into this different life and not carry the heavy weight of the past.

As we reflect on this past year, I am reflecting on where we have journeyed in these blogs.  The challenge was to process through the feelings and the grief.  We recognized the commotion in our soul as we sort out feelings and this different life.  Taking the step of releasing our loved one to live in Heaven so we can live here on earth required us to trust even in our darkness.  In attempting to change our focus we have felt discombobulated as we traipse through the grief with a hope of a different life.  We have needed to just rest and be present in the moments.

Your desire is to live.  Life is so different.  It is the life you now have.  So how do you walk into life even when you do not know how?  I believe it is consistently trusting Jesus.  Jesus is with you.  God loves you.  You are not alone even when you feel alone.  Trust is an assured reliance.  It is confidence and dependence on God.  It is faith and hope and doubt and fear and love all mixed together.   It is taking a step in the darkness and having a hope of a hope that God’s light will be revealed.  It is walking into life not just going around in circles.  It is living in the present and in the moment. In this new year, walk into your life.  Be consistent in trusting Jesus to walk with you and walk you through. 

“So I will walk with the Lord in the land of the living.”   Psalm 11:9

Light Forward

“Before those people lived in darkness, but now they have seen a great light.  They lived in a dark land, but a light has shined on them.”   Isaiah 9:2

The season of Christmas is filled with lights – lights on the Christmas tree, outdoor lights of various colors and designs, light shows, candlelight, the candles of the Advent Wreath, and just the basic house lights.  Darkness comes earlier in the winter with less sunlight to gives us warmth and hope, so we turn on more lights in our homes.  Currently, I have the gas fireplace and the candles on the table lit to shine more light and warmth in the house.  The Christmas tree lights twinkle in the cold that surrounds it outside.  We need light.  Jesus comes into the world as the light of the world to shine in the darkness of our sin and sorrow.

The name Jesus means “Savior.”  Jesus came as “Emmanuel” meaning God with us.  Jesus came to bring light into the darkness of our world, our lives, and our hearts.  When I looked up the meaning of my own name, Elaine, it means light or shining light. My middle name – Janice – means God has been gracious or a gift from God.  The light of life is a gift from God.  I like the word “light” because it gives me hope.  Light gives guidance and direction.  Light reflects light.

For the past seven years, instead of making New Year’s Resolutions, I have chosen a word to be my guide for the year.  In these years, the words selected have been – Good Future, Change, Purpose, Courage, Hope, Surrender, and Different.  These words have guided me on the journey of grief and given me a future and a hope to live with courage in this different life.  Just as I have defined my name, these words have helped me to define the years.  They have kept me focused on how God wants me to grow closer in relationship to Him and to experience living in the present in God’s presence.

As I began to pray about my word for 2023, the word light kept appearing in Scriptures and in conversations with clients.  My Sunday morning group is called “Light In the Darkness.”  Darkness signifies sorrow and sadness and lack of hope.  We have experienced life in these terms feeling darkness is all around us and hope feels so unattainable.  We desire light and hope, but it seems impossible to find the switch to turn on the light to our life and soul.  Just as the moon reflects the light of the sun and does not have its own light, we reflect the light of Jesus.  We cannot produce light on our own.  Sometimes we try to fake it, but the emptiness inside only allows us to sustain it for a short time.   Our soul is empty and that is what sustains the light of Jesus in our lives.

So when we feel empty, exhausted and overwhelmed (which is most of us after Christmas), we need to be recharged just like a battery in a car.  We need to be hooked up to a charger so that our light will again shine.  The charger is Jesus himself.  He broke through from Heaven to come to earth to be like us so that we can become like Him.  Jesus is the light of the world.  He is the light of our souls. In order to be filled with His light, we need to be more intentional of being in the presence of Jesus daily and stopping to take God’s hand to walk us through each situation.

In this new year, I want to wait for God’s light to shine instead of rushing ahead in the darkness.  I want to look for God’s light in each day.  Today, as I walked my dog in the early morning, God shined His light in the gorgeous sunrise.  I paused to take in the light and to thank God for revealing Himself in the morning light.

I challenge each of you to go toward the light of God’s love and presence this coming year.  In those times of darkness, trust that God is still with you guiding you toward the light – have a hope of a hope.  As you see light and hope in moments, allow the light to fill you and re-charge you.  Remember, it takes time to charge a battery, so it will take time being in God’s light and presence to recharge the emptiness of your soul.  And when we begin to fill up with light, we can share that light with others on the journey.

Light Forward!