Returning To Grief

“Lord, have mercy because I am in misery. My eyes are weak from so much crying, and my whole being is tired from grief.”  Psalm 31:9

Grief has entered my life again, or I should say it has returned as central to my thoughts and feelings.  Last week, my sweet companion dog, Annie died and crossed over into Heaven.  At first, I was so thankful she was no longer suffering, and I could release her to Heaven to run and be reunited with my husband who was her master.  I was exhausted from caring for her so intensely the past month that releasing her to Heaven filled me with peace.  I am so grateful for all the kind words spoken about her and the expressions of comfort and support I have received from so many of you.  Annie touched many lives and fulfilled her purpose on earth.  I celebrate the gift of having her as my companion for almost eleven years.

But now I am grieving my loss.  I know Annie is running and enjoying the rewards of Heaven, but my house is empty.  I see her everywhere.  I hear the jingle of her collar and her lapping up water from her bowl.  I wake up and wonder where she is in the house so I can take her outside.  I come home and want to call, “Annie Girl, I’m home.  Let’s go out.”  I cook dinner and she is not there to lick off the plates.  The hardest has been that she is not greeting my counseling clients and laying beside me as I counsel.  The room feels empty, and I have to learn how to counsel without her.  I feel a little lost.

Grief returns in many forms and ways throughout our lives.  I have some of the same feelings and emptiness that I had when my husband died.  I feel a deep sadness that part of me is lost, and my heart feels ripped out of me.  Our hearts were connected in a most unique and deep way.  She was with me in the darkest times.  She was the only one I really cried with at the death of my husband.  She has been my emotional support dog and where I have released my emotions.  I snuggled and cried with her.  Now I do not have her to comfort me in this grief.  Just as my husband had been with me in the grief of my parents, and the one I depended on to be with me as I walked through life, Annie was with me in the grief I experienced since his death.  Annie was the one I shared the confidential parts of my day, and she heard and felt all the emotions.  Annie is the one I vented to and she just looked at me, rolled over and I rubbed her belly as I talked with her.

I have also returned to some of the same songs that helped express my grief over seven years ago.  “Walk Me Through” by the Perrys has been my foundational song for grief.  I ask God to walk me through the pain and loss.  I know this time that I will get through it because God has been faithful in the past, and God will continue to be faithful on this current grief journey.  God will hold my hand.  I have peace in trusting God.  Music has been a powerful outlet for my grief putting into words what I cannot express.

My desire was to jump into being grateful for Annie and to immediately live in the freedom of not having the responsibility of caring for a dog.  But I needed to return to feeling grief and allowing myself some sad times and to mourn the loss of my dear sweet, Annie.  Yes, she was a dog, but she took on a deeper and more significant role in my life because of my loss.  She was given the ability to feel pain and to feel the hurt of others.  She knew how to bring joy into the sad moments of life.  She was my constant and faithful companion.  I need to grieve and return to the grief journey for a time.

I have begun to tell stories of her life and to listen to other people’s memories.  Annie has a legacy, and she made a difference in my life.  She leaves a hole nobody will ever fill.  She is irreplaceable, and I have completed my dog ownership.

I feel Annie in my heart.  She will always be with me.  That is love.  Grief is about love.  We only grieve those we love.  It is good to return to our grief from time to time and give ourselves permission to be sad and to remember.  We remember who we are because of the one we loved.  We give thanks for their influence, their legacy, and the time we were blessed to share life.  These remembrances will always bring a moment of sadness and grief, but they also bring a gratefulness.  Return to grief as needed.  Remember, do not stay there.  Begin to live differently.