The Loss of Touch

Then Jesus said, “Who touched me?….Someone did touch me, because I felt power go out from me.” Luke 8:45-46

The power of a touch. To be close to someone you love. To hug. To hold hands. To feel the warm embrace of love. I’m a hugger. I did not grow up in a family that hugged or outwardly expressed love. I knew I was loved. I saw my parents hug and embrace one another. I became a hugger in ministry. As I greeted people on Sundays, I not only shook their hands but began to hug people as I developed relationships with them. The touch is an outward expression of genuine care and love.

During this time of social distancing where touch is discouraged, many people who are huggers and live alone feel an even deeper sense of isolation and aloneness. Church and other social gatherings is where many people receive their hugs. My first husband, Dave, was known for his hugs. Widows and older ladies used to line up at church to receive one of his hugs. Our bodies need hugs for mental and emotional health and to feel someone else cares about us. In our grief, the loss of our loved one’s hugs and touch brings the intensity of loneliness and sadness. We long for one more hug, one more touch, one more kiss. We feel loss in so many ways but touch is not just a physical loss, but an emotional need that is now missing in our daily lives. A hug gives us the assurance we are not alone, that somebody cares for us, and it gives us an emotional stability. When life seems to be in chaos around us, a hug gives calmness and assurance we are not in this alone. Somebody is right beside you.

In our grief, family and friends may reach out with a hug and touch to give us comfort and to show they care. While we receive the hug and touch as a gift, it is never enough. Our desire is a hug from the one whom we are grieving. Just one more. Sometimes, we can close our eyes and remember the hug and touch almost to the point of feeling it again. When that moment comes, we never want it to end. It may come for just a second. I received that warm hug moment from Dave and from a dear friend that died. I felt their presence and touch for a second, but it was enough to assure me that they were with me in a different form now. God gave me a gift that I needed in my grief.

Throughout Scripture, God is reaching out to His children. God breathes life into Adam and Eve, and God walks with them in the Garden. God reaches out His right hand to lead, guide, protect and save throughout the Old Testament. In the Gospels, Jesus touches those He heals. When the woman who had been bleeding for twelve years touches Jesus, He felt the power of healing go from him. Jesus feels the desperate touch of the woman, but more importantly he feels her emotional touch. In our grief, when the touch of our loved one is not possible, God will touch us with His love and presence. God released His power to touch our hearts, to heal the brokenness within us, and to hold us close when the tears fall and the heart feels like it is breaking into a million pieces. This touch was the only touch that helped in my grief. The hug of a child was the next best touch, but even that was not enough. My heart was broken and nobody’s touch was enough.

Jesus is always enough. Jesus touches our inner being and soul and draws us close even in the nightmare of loneliness. When we have tried everything else like the woman in the Gospel of Luke who had tried everything to be healed, we along with the woman turn to the only one who can touch us with the healing our hearts and souls desire. The touch of Jesus brings us comfort in our grief. We still long for the physical touch of our loved one, but the inner soul needs the touch of Jesus’ love. Healing in grief begins from the inside. The longing will remain. Take a moment and breathe in God’s Holy Spirit. Close your eyes and allow Jesus to wrap His arms of love around you. Feel his presence and touch.

Living In Moments

“So don’t be anxious about tomorrow, God will take care of your tomorrow too. Live one day at a time.” Matthew 6:34 (LB)

Life is filled with moments. Moments of joy. Moments of sorrow. Moments of pain. Moments of laughter. Moments. Sometimes we feel like moments are so fast and fleeting that we don’t fully get to experience them. Other times moments seem like they are lasting a lifetime and are now our way of life. But we need to remember they are all just moments. We can do anything or endure anything if we believe it will last just a moment. A moment can be a short period of time or a long period of time. But it is still a moment.

As we grieve and feel anxious, everything seems overwhelming and the intensity of sadness feels like it will be forever. It seems impossible to do anything productive or find joy in anything. This is when we need to break the day into moments. It is giving yourself permission to fall apart and cry for a moment. This moment may last hours or even days as we begin the journey. That is OK. It is also recognizing that you can have a moment of accomplishing a task. A moment of personal care. A moment to see beauty in the sunset or in the smile of a child. A moment of worry and fear. A moment with God. It is learning to break down your life into moments and giving yourself permission to have a variety of moments in each day.

Many people have experienced fear in these past months of uncertainty with the virus and being isolated from friends and family. Fear tells us to focus on the big picture and the future. Fear wants us to be so afraid that we stop experiencing life and do nothing. We feel unable to live and have no idea what to do to bring a sense of peace or calmness into our lives.

Jesus tells us to live in the present. God is already in the future so we do not need to focus on tomorrow. Today is what we have. Even when we don’t like the present because our loved one is not with us or the fear or pain of today is unbearable, we need to focus on a moment. It is recognizing God is with me in the moment. That I can experience a moment and survive and the next moment I can do something different and focus on someone or something else. Grief is too overwhelming to focus on the pain and loss every moment of every day. We need distractions because we were not made to handle the intensity all the time. That is why we need different moments throughout our days.

It is waking up in the morning and saying, “In this moment, God, you are with me.” It is trusting God to be with you in each moment. Sometimes we have to give ourselves permission to be sad and feel lonely. “I give myself permission to have a bad or sad moment. I won’t stay there forever, but I feel this way for a moment.” I found that I could accomplish some necessary tasks that I really did not want to do when I made the tasks into moments. I could clean the bathroom for a moment. I did not have to do everything, but something for a moment. Then I could rest or do something more enjoyable.

In our fear and uncertainty of life, it is living in different moments and accepting that the moment is different but we are still able to maneuver through the moment. It is also learning to linger in moments that are good. To feel the warmth of the sun and actually breathe in the warm air and truly feel the moment. It is being totally present in the moment and not allowing your mind to focus into the future with tasks to accomplish. God gives us moments to feel, to experience and to just be present. God calls us to “be still and know I am God” (Psalm 46:19) in our grief. The busyness and worry of life steal our precious moments. Moments are also filled with memories. On this journey, slow down, remember. Look through photos, read letters, touch the possessions, and journey through your mind of the events. These are treasures of love that will always be with you. Yes, they bring tears but they are also reminders that you walked with your loved one and had moments together. Moments that will never be taken away from you. Moments that have made you who you are today. Moments that will sustain you each day. You will begin to make new memories in these different moments.

God is with us in each moment. When you go too far into the future of worry and fear, take Jesus’ hand and bring yourself back to the present moment.

Memories at the Monuments

“Jacob rose early in the morning and took the stone he had slept on and set it up on its end. Then he poured olive oil on the top of it.” Genesis 28:18

I pulled into our family cemetery - Chandler Cemetery - near the little town of Marseilles and where my Grandmother was raised. Memories flooded my mind and my heart felt the love that has surrounded me and been my foundation all my life. The sun was shining, and the wind was blowing, and I felt the presence of the Lord. This cemetery brings me comfort and peace. As I read the tombstones of my parents, the names of their children are listed. My name is on the stone. Someday, my body will be laid to rest next to my parents. Sadness fills the memories because those I love are not physically with me, but there is joy that they have lived, made a difference in my life, and are now in Heaven.

As I walked through the cemetery, I felt like I was in the presence of my childhood. I was walking through memories of my childhood as I passed each stone. The tombstones were a tribute - a monument of remembrance for lives well lived. I thanked God for the privilege of knowing so many of His saints. Like Mary who was my “Annual Conference Mom” and her husband, Lewis, who loved to tease me. They supported me in my ministry. There were monuments to relatives I never met, but who are part of who I am and the foundation of our family. Names I heard of but never met, but who are part of me.

Later in the week, I drove to the cemetery where my husband, Dave is buried and my dear friend, Ruth. As I left a stone at their grave markers, I felt their presence and thanked God for their love and influence. I remembered so many people I have laid to rest in this cemetery. It was like visiting friends and church family. I stood at the grave of my grandson, J.C., and felt the deep loss of never knowing who he would have been and how our lives would have been intertwined. I recognized some lives I could celebrate their long life and influence, but other lives were cut short from living days on this earth. Their lives still influenced me, but I long to know what the full potential could have been.

The cemetery is filled with monuments, gravestones and markers that represent a life lived. Each person was loved by someone. Each person was part of a family. Each person contributed to society. We can learn from both positive and negative influences. In our memories though, the bad fades and the good remains.

In Genesis, Jacob set the stone he laid on up on its end and worshiped God. The stone was a monument to a memory of God’s presence. The cemetery is a place of death. It is the last place our earthly body is laid to rest. But it is also a monument to God’s presence. God created our loved one. God loved them. We love them. We go to the cemetery seeking quiet and peace. Seeking to remember those we love. Thanking God for their life, their love and their influence upon our lives. We go to thank God for the gift of their lives but also to thank God that death is not the end. It is only the end to this earthly life. We go to remind ourselves that the grave is not the end. The love remains in our hearts. The memories and love in our hearts is a gift from God. As we remember, we praise God for the life, the love and all the memories. We worship. The cemetery has become a place of worship and prayer for me. I have had the long nights of sorry and grief, and sitting beside the grave crying. Now I go to the cemetery in thanksgiving for the lives that have been on my journey and who I will one day see again. Sadness is still present and the tears still flow, but the sadness is mingled with hope. Sadness and hope pour over the monuments of memories.

The Waves of Loss

“I am the one who made the beaches to be border for the sea, a border that water can never go past. The waves may pound the beach, but they can’t win over it. They may roar, but they cannot go beyond it.” Jeremiah 5:22

I sat beside my friend who was mourning the death of his wife of 72 years. She was also my dear friend. He said, “I am fine for awhile and then it hits me, and I just fall apart. There are no words to describe it.” As he spoke, tears filled his eyes and he was then unable to speak. My heart ached for him. I understood the deep loss. His life was centered on their love. The waves of grief hit him at unexpected times and overwhelmed him with sorrow that no words can adequately describe.

I pulled out my recipe file and found the recipe for banana cake. It was written in my mom’s handwriting. Memories flooded my mind as I recalled my mom making this cake so many times when I was a child. The wave of loss overwhelmed me, and tears flooded my eyes as I missed my mom. It has been 13 years, but the wave of loss still flows over me from time to time.

In this uncertain time, the waves crash upon me. There are days I feel good and enjoy this quiet time with God and the slower pace of life. I give thanks for health and for those who are on the front lines caring for the sick. Then the wave of uncertainty and irritation knock me down. I want to be done with all of this. I am tired of not being able to live the life I feel called to live and go where I need to go and visit people. I get impatient and feel life is not fair and I want to blame somebody. The loss of freedom and “normal” life engulfs me, and I want my life back. Then I begin praying for those who are sick and who are caring for them. I feel selfish but also long for life to return to some type of normal routine. I grieve the life I want and dream of living.

Emotions come in waves. They keep coming. we never stop loving. We never stop feeling the emptiness and the loss. Some days the waves come continually just one after another. We barely catch our breath before the next wave hits. The storm of sadness and loss consume us, and we wonder if there will ever be a calmness in the winds of grief.

Grief seems never ending and constant. The waves crash continually, and it is hard to catch your breath before the next wave pummels us to our knees. That is how grief begins. The waves never slow down enough to have peace. The storm continues to rage. The tears and anger flow like a raging river. We wonder if life will always be like this, but then the waves come slower and you have a moment to breathe. The storms still come but they are not as close together. Our hearts are still broken but the pain of the brokenness becomes a little less intense.

I have come to recognize that like the waves on the beach that always come, grief will always come into my life. Sometimes gently with gifts of peace and hope like the waves bring the gift of shells. Other times like the raging storm, my grief overwhelms and knocks me down for a time. Life is filled with grief and loss in various forms and for a variety of reasons. It is learning to accept grief as a natural part of life. It will come just like the waves. But I am not alone in the waves. God holds my hand and sometimes catches me in the storm so that I do not fall. God does not stop the waves of grief just as God does not stop the waves from crashing on the beach.

My picture of the waves of grief has been changing. At first, I wanted to see myself as a strong individual who could stand strong on my own as the waves crashed around me. I could handle this. I had a firm foundation, and I could be a witness to others. But the waves were too strong and the grief too intense and I was sinking in the sand. My picture of grief now is as a little child. God, the Father and Jesus are holding my hands. At times I am being lifted above the waves and other times I am being held in His arms because the waves are too strong for my childlike legs to stand. Other times, I feel the Holy Spirit strengthening my legs to withstand the crashing waves.

What I have discovered is that the waves of grief are too strong to handle on our own. We need to surrender in childlike faith and trust to the One who holds us close. God does not take us out of the storm or raging waves, but He is our constant presence and peace in the storm. Grieve as a child - with innocence, with questions, with tears. Allow God, the Father, to hold you tight in the waves.

The Darkness in the Different

“It was dark now, and Jesus had not yet come to them….Jesus said to them, “It is I. Do not be afraid.” John 6:17, 20

Darkness. We have felt the heavy weight that comes with darkness. Not just the dark of the night outside, but the darkness of our souls. We have felt the ache of loss and change that has placed a darkness over our life. Nothing seems visible and it feels like we are trying to feel our way through a cloud of hopelessness and fear. We cannot see a path nor even believe that a pathway could lead out of this uncertainty and pain that has enveloped every aspect of our life.

Sometimes we long for the darkness that comes in the evening so that we can go to bed and hopefully sleep and forget the pain and longing of our hearts. But with the darkness of night, anxiety heightens and the anxious feelings within us prevent sleep from consuming us and taking us away from the hurt and loneliness. The anxiety of the night places a cloud of dread and fear around us. This comes from change and loss of our present lives and the fear of the future.

This darkness has a veil of hopelessness all around it. We look into the future and cannot imagine ever being happy or feeling anything but this current sadness, anxiousness or hurt. The uncertainty in life brings a sense of hopelessness that it will never get better, that life will always be this way, that you will never experience the closeness and love again in your life. It is the feeling of being utterly alone. The current “stay at home” mandate has increased this feeling of being alone. The screen time or texts or even phone calls are not enough. We all need “skin” - the presence of another human being who is just with us. The hug of a family member or friend helps but in our grief even this is not enough. We long for the hug of our loved one whom we will never again hug on this earth. We long for love and the feeling of security and safety.

In the Gospel of John, Jesus had just fed the five thousand people and sent the people away. The disciples had left in a boat without Jesus. It was now dark as the disciples were crossing the lake, and Jesus had not yet come to them. A storm arose on the lake and Jesus walked on the water toward them. When they saw Jesus, the disciples were afraid. Jesus said to them, “It is I. Do not be afraid.” (John 6:20)

When the darkness of life consumes us, we feel that nobody is with us not even Jesus. I believe Jesus is with us, but our emotions and feelings do not allow us to see through the darkness. Jesus knows what we are going through just as He was aware of what was happening to his disciples. Jesus allows us quiet and alone time to grieve. He knows we are not ready for His comfort and healing. We need to release the anger, the hurt, the pain, the sadness and grieve without wanting anyone to help or give us comfort. This is part of our grieving process. Nothing makes it better and even in our faith, we at times don’t want Jesus to bring comfort yet. We are human and need to be angry and alone, but Jesus is watching and waiting to come to us in our greatest need. He comes to us in unexpected ways just as He came to the disciples unexpectedly - walking on the water. Nothing is too difficult for Jesus and no situation too devastating that Jesus will not come into it and bring His words of comfort - “Do not be afraid.”

I believe the opposite of fear is peace and that is what Jesus brings to all of us if we allow Him to come and break through our darkness. Peace does not mean the absence of pain, grief or chaos. It is the abiding presence Jesus brings in our pain, sadness and turmoil of life. All we have to do is say, “Jesus” and He comes out of the darkness to bring comfort, light and eventually hope. He did not take the disciples out of the storm on the lake. Jesus just got in the boat with them and told them not to be afraid. Jesus told them, “It is I.” He wanted them to recognize that He was with them no matter what they were going through. I believe that is what Jesus wants for each of us. He may not take away the hurt and pain or the situation, but He will be with us through it. Jesus may not answer our prayers the way we want, but He still hears us and is still with us through the darkness of our lives.

The Different Familiar

“Cast all your anxieties on him, for he cares about you.” I Peter 5:7

For the last two months I have been running each morning with my dog in the field across from where I am now living. It is only two tenths of a mile around the field, so I have been doing twenty laps each morning. The scenery is the same and it would appear to be a boring run in circles every single morning. What makes this now familiar path different every day is first, the weather. Sometimes it has been cold and rainy, some days are sunny, and other days the wind takes my breath away. Whatever the weather, I still run with my faithful companion. But the biggest reason it is so different each day is because it is my time of prayer and my prayers are familiar but different each day. God speaks to me in different ways but in a familiar presence.

Sometimes, though, in the evening I will walk my dog on this path but go in the opposite direction. The walk feels boring with anxiousness some days, and then I realize I have not taken Jesus with me on the walk. I am just walking to accomplish the task but not enjoying the journey. Life at times feels like we are going in the opposite direction we had planned to go. We become anxious and worried about where life is taking us. It is not where we want to go, and we feel that we are alone on the journey. It is then we need to stop and take Jesus’ hand to remind us that we are not alone and that just being with Jesus is the main purpose of the journey.

We are living in our familiar places, but life is so different right now. With the stay at home mandate and everything that was normal and familiar has changed in our society. Life is familiar but it is so different from where we have been. It may feel like you are just going in circles and not accomplishing what you had intended or planned. Your task list and vacation plans have changed with no plans to reschedule or accomplish in the near future. To just abide and remain with Jesus does not seem enough. But I believe that is where God is calling us in these days of pandemic and in our grief.

Grief feels like a merry-go-round going around in circles and not being productive or making progress. It is in these times of grief that God wants us to just be still - “Be still and know that I am God.” (Psalm 41:10) We are to be present with God. Hold his hand. Allow our hearts to be sad and cry and give ourselves permission to heal and grieve. It is in this time of being at home that God just wants us to be present. To see the beauty around us. To walk in His presence. To slow down our lives. To reassess our priorities and where we are really going in life.

In our time of grief and loss, allow yourself to go in circles for a time. Your world has completely changed and everything is different even if you are in familiar surroundings. Without your loved one, nothing is the same and it takes time to figure out this different way of life. You may look at your house or other family members and everything and everyone is familiar but your view has changed. You see life differently in this “normal” place. It is understanding that others may not see life as that much different. There is an emptiness but some just walk around the hole or find other things to fill the emptiness.

Life is guaranteed to change even when we try to hold on to the familiar and the daily routine. Just like we had no control over the changes the virus has brought into our lives, we have no control over death and the changes loss brings to our lives. What we do have control over is to whom or what we surrender control of our lives. We can allow anxiety and worry to take over our lives or we can “cast all of our anxieties” on Jesus because he cares for you. When we take Jesus’ hand, He walks with us in the familiar and in the different. He also carries all our burdens and worries. We need to trust Him even when we feel the emptiness and loss. Jesus is still with us in the different. He rides the merry-go-round of life with us when we cannot seem to move forward. He will also stop the merry-go-round of life for a time to help us heal, re-focus and just be still and abide with us.

Life is different. Life is familiar. Life is different in the familiar.

The Balm for Grief

“Isn’t there balm in the land of Gilead? Isn’t there a doctor there? So why aren’t the hurts of my people healed?” Jeremiah 8:22

As we experience the uncertainty of life and what we have known to be normal and daily totally change, we long for something or someone to bring hope and healing into our lives. We long for a balm - a soothing restorative agent. Holy week and Easter have been different this year with the virus and not being able to celebrate the life, death and resurrection of Jesus with family and church family. In our grief, we also have not been able to truly celebrate any part of life. It seems impossible that life will ever again have joy and happiness because of great loss and the emptiness of life.

I have come to understand Jesus as the balm - the soothing restorative agent in my life and in my grief. One of the hymns that brought comfort to me in my grief was suggested to me by a friend who was walking the journey of grief after the death of his wife. The song is - “There Is a Balm in Gilead.” The chorus and first verse state -

“There is a balm in Gilead to make the wounded whole; There is a balm in Gilead to heal the sin sick soul.”

“Sometimes I feel discouraged, and think my work’s in vain. But then the Holy Spirit revives my soul again.”

The would of grief goes deep and we feel broken. Our heart is in a million pieces and life feels like it will never be whole or good again. Our souls feel sick and hopeless with nothing giving us joy or purpose. Grief brings discouragement when we cannot even accomplish simple tasks or figure out all the paperwork or even get out of bed some days. It has been in these moments of brokenness and pain, that the soothing balm of Jesus’ Spirit comes to hold us and allow us to grieve. In these quiet moments of being held by the One who loves us the most and understands pain and brokenness, that HIs soothing balm penetrates our soul.

In these different days, Jesus still comes to the wounded, hurting and grieving. Jesus willingly gave up His life, was beaten and his body filled with pain, so that our “sin sick souls” could be healed. In this season of Easter, we believe Jesus died and was resurrected to forgive us for our sins and give us the promise of eternal life. Jesus also comes to heal our wounds - wounds of pain, emptiness and hurt. The wound of grief remains, but the healing balm of Jesus soothes the wound over time. Scars remain to remind us we have loved deeply. The scars on Jesus’ hands from the nails remained to remind us He died a cruel death and felt the pain of sin - all out of love for you and me.

In your grief, allow the balm of Jesus to revive your grief stricken soul. You don’t even need to speak words except to call out “Jesus” and He will be with you. Jesus understands sorrow and pain, and HIs Spirit, the Holy Spirit, will pray for you as you sigh. God hears the cries of our soul - “in sighs too deep for words.” (Romans 8:26) The healing takes time because the love is deep. Give yourself permission to cry and have sad moments, you have loved and lost the physical presence of your loved one. But also allow Jesus to revive your soul again. Be open to the healing presence of the Holy Spirit. The healing balm will soothe your soul.

Reflecting On Heaven

“But our homeland is in heaven, and we are waiting for our Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, to come from heaven.”                                                                         Philippians 3:20

My heart felt his pain.  I stood at a distance as he walked to the casket where his wife of 72 years lay.  His eyes wet with tears and barely able to speak, he spoke – “Hello, beautiful.”  The picture of heartache.  I once stood there, looking into the casket of my husband and spoke, “Hi Honey.”  My tears flowed and my heart felt the intense pain.  That first look into the casket makes death become real.  You hope to see a breath and touch a warm hand, but the hand is cold and the body still.  It is just a vessel where the spirit no longer resides.  You have the hope of seeing your loved one again and trust that Heaven is real.  You hear the words, “She looks
beautiful.”  “He is no longer in pain.”  Words that are true but do not help the hurt and pain of the loss.  Not everyone has this opportunity to see the body before burial because some are cremated and for some the body has become unrecognizable because of trauma.

I find comfort in trusting Heaven is real and hold onto the promises of Scripture. I have been thinking a lot about heaven lately.  As I talked with my dear friend’s family, we all knew without a doubt that she was in Heaven because of her commitment to Jesus as her Lord and Savior.  I began to think about her singing with the angels and her reunion with her parents and sisters.  Before my husband, Dave, died he saw heaven and described the peace and beauty of it.  It is a real place to me.  Jesus promises the disciples and you and me that he goes to prepare a place for us – a room or a mansion as some versions of the Bible describe. We will have an actual place and a new body that will never die or suffer.  My dear friend, Nancy, said that she wanted a mansion without a kitchen because she never wanted to cook again!

Heaven is not a scary place to me but a place where I know so many people that I love.  To me, Heaven is filled with love because of all the people I love who are waiting there for me.  The one who loves me the most, God, will one day welcome me home to live with Him forever. Warren Hanson wrote the book, “The Next Place” which describes Heaven as just our next place.  This is very comforting to me.  Heaven is just the next place we go.  We close our eyes here on earth and open them in Heaven.  We take our last breath here, and our next breath in Heaven. 

Guy Penrod sings the song – “Knowing What I Know About Heaven.”  Some of the words of the song are –

“Just as happy as they were to see you come,

I was just as sad to watch you go.

Knowing what I know about heaven - believing you are all the way home.

Knowing you are somewhere better.”

In our grief, Heaven gives us hope.  Hope that our loved one is healed and whole again and reunited with those they love.  But the sadness of letting go remains in our grief.  We are happy for them, but sad for us.  We had to let go so that they could be healed and with Jesus.  Our preference is that they remain with us, but we also want them not to suffer.  It is difficult to be happy that someone we love is not with us.  The happiness of Heaven is different than happiness on earth.   It is a reminder that earth is not our home, but Heaven is.  We long for Heaven but are called to remain on earth until our purpose and life is complete.

Singing In Our Sorrow

“I will sing to the Lord all my life; I will sing praises to my God as long as I live. May my thoughts please him; I am happy in the Lord….My whole being praise the Lord." Praise the Lord.” Psalm 104:33-35

I walked with a dear friend this past week and her family as she prepared to take the journey to heaven. My heart was filled with sorrow and singing at the same time. Nancy was given the gift of singing and she sang her entire life. Her voice glorified God and she is now singing with the angels. Nancy always said, “God loaned me the gift and I will use it as long as I’m here.” Nancy sang every day of her life to God, and sometimes she allowed others to hear her praises besides God.

I met Nancy through the church I served and heard her sing solos and sing at funerals. Her sister was my special friend who had “adopted” me as her granddaughter. When Nancy’s sister, Ruth, died last year, I spent more time with Nancy through phone calls and home visits. Several visits took place with me sitting on the side of her bed. We laughed until we cried, we talked and shared the intimacy of God’s spirit. Nancy shared the depth of her heart with me, and I treasure her trust in me.

The last song Nancy sang for me was “Jesus Loves Me.: She was in rehab and having a difficult time, but her voice was strong and clear. She sang to glorify God that day even during her struggle. How appropriate that she sang of Jesus’ love for her. Jesus lived in Nancy’s heart and her singing expressed her deep love for her Lord and Savior. Many people who knew Nancy knew her as the one who sang the solos of “O, Holy Night” on Christmas Eve and “Were You There” on Good Friday with an amazing operatic voice. In her older years, she was know as Nancy would state - “the old lady who sings.”

Nancy was given the gift of singing and her legacy is that she used God’s voice to sing until He called her home. Throughout my ministry, I have sung with those who are dying especially during my time with hospice. I would sit at bedside and sing with families all the old hymns of faith. Before my dad died, we sang with a dear friend, Carl, around his bed all his favorite songs. We played my mom’s favorite songs as she went through the dying process.

Music has been part of my healing on my own journey of grief. I have found songs that have expressed my emotions and played them over and over. I have been able to release so many emotions through the words and music of songs. I have also found songs that have given me the ability to rejoice knowing my loved one is now in heaven. My mom’s favorite hymn was “Victory In Jesus.” Through Jesus’ death and resurrection, death has been conquered and there is victory in Jesus as our loved ones enter into heaven.

When we celebrate the life of our loved ones, our hearts are filled with sorrow at our own loss, but we also sing and rejoice that they are in heaven singing with the angels. I still cry every time I sing the third verse of “Victory In Jesus” because I miss my mom and all those who hold a special place in my heart.

Heaven is filled with more laughter and singing because Nancy has entered into the joy of Jesus’ presence. I will celebrate her life and sing with tears at her celebration of life. Our hearts can sing in the sorrow knowing we are singing to the One who gives us hope of eternal life and who holds us close in our grief.

Let us sing with tears of sorrow and of joy!

“Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his faithful servants.” Psalm 116:15

Living In A Different Life

“You are my place of safety and protection. You are my God and I trust you. God will save you from deadly diseases…and under his wings you can hide.” Psalm 91:2-4

In the uncertainty of life when everything seems so different, God is our place of safety and protection. God never changes and God protects us in the storms of life. God does not take us out of the storm but stays close by our side and covers us with HIs loving presence. So many times we ask God, “Why?” “Why is this happening?” Why did he have to die?” “Why does she have to suffer?” “WHY?” Most of the time we never get an answer to the whys of life. The reason is beyond our understanding because it does not fit into our view of life. We want answers, our answers. We want to make sense out of life and figure out a neat and orderly purpose for every event and happening of life. This is not how life works. Life is different than we want or expect. Chaos and disease and struggles happen every day without a reason.

When we experience grief, our lives change and everything is different. How we view life and who are is different. In our grief, we struggle with this different and have the hope and desire for life to return to the way it used to be. We know in our heads that normal no longer exists and this is our current reality. We live at times in denial because the intensity of reality is too much to face all at once. Over time, we begin to deal with more and more of reality and then we have to find a way to live in this different life.

But then something happens that rocks us to the core of our being, and we have lost the person who was our security in uncertain times. We feel the anxiety and fear without this stability in our lives. Who do I turn to? It was not that our loved one would have solved the situation, it was just that we would have someone to share the journey with and to help us make the needed decisions in the chaos and trauma. We are currently all living in a different life with the virus pandemic. Fear, panic, and anxiety are at an all time high in our country and world. We recognize the severity of the crisis and the reality of the disease. But what about the emotional impact on your life amid the grief and loss? Whether we have lost a loved one or experiencing loss through this crisis, we are all grieving. The grief is the uncertainty of the loss of today and the fear of the future. We don’t know when this will end nor what effects it will have on us personally, on our loved ones, friends, jobs, country and more. We are grieving the unknown.

The unknown is also the different life that comes with grief. The hardest part of grief for me was figuring out who I was after my husband had died. After the loss of my parents, it was figuring out how to live life without parents - to live as an orphan. As we live this different life right now, it is figuring out who we are and spending time alone with the One who is our safety and protection. In my own grief and figuring out me, it was my alone time with God that has guided me and remained constant and sure in the uncertainty of life. Abiding and remaining close to God is our only source of strength and comfort. The world and our own lives will feel chaotic and tossed all around. God holds us close and walks with us through the storms of life. It is in these storms we figure out what is most important in life.

Life is always going to be different than we had hoped or expected. It is living in this different, not just existing. It is not allowing fear and anxiety to be in control, but trusting God. I don’t have to have all the answers to the whys, but trust in the One who is in control - God. During these different days, just reach out and take God’s hand knowing He is with you and loves you.

MIngling Love and Grief

“The greatest love a person can show is to die for his friends.”    John 15:13

“Some Broken Hearts Never Mend” is a song by Don Williams.  The chorus of the song states -

Some broken hearts never mend,

Some memories never end

Some tears will never dry

My love for you will never die.

I have come to understand that life is a journey of love and grief mingled together.  Grief is any change or loss in our lives.  We begin life with change – coming out of the warmth of the womb to encounter a cold world, therefore, our first response is to cry.  Every grief results in some form of crying whether actual tears or a deep hurt that is within us.

Each day I love the special people God has placed on my path.  Some people walk with us throughout our lives and others for a moment.  Some people penetrate our hearts with a deep and abiding love and influence our lives for the good.  When these people die and leave our physical presence, the grief and emptiness is intense and stays with us forever. This grief is the emptiness or void that is in our lives when we have lost ones we have loved so deeply.  The only way not to grieve is not to love, but what a lonely and empty life.  Our hearts are broken and never mend as the song states, but I would rather be broken than to have never loved.

I have always seen death as a natural part of the life cycle. Growing up on a farm I witnessed the cycle of life with the land, crops, and animals. Death and new life is a part of the land just as life and death is a natural part of our lives. I experienced some tragic deaths with family and friends and questioned “why” did they have to die so young or experience such trauma. Not until the death of my Grandma Clinger did I understand the mingling of love and grief. My Grandma was part of my foundation of life. I loved her deeply and my life was centered on her love and presence. When she died, I still loved her, and I grieved for her. I began to understand my love for my Grandma would never end. Her love, influence and wisdom continued in my life and the grief was mingled with the love. I missed her presence, but her love was still present in my heart.

When my dad and mom died, I recognized again the mingling of love and grief.  Mingle is to mix together.  The emptiness of not having parents was something I had never experienced.  I was now an orphan and no longer had parents to turn to for support.  I loved them and thanked God for the foundation of life and faith they gave me.  I was loving and grieving at the same time.

Then my husband of 25 years, Dave, died.  In our marriage, I had felt his deep and abiding love.  We truly loved each other and were best friends and companions on the journey of life.  And now there was a huge void in my life.  I no longer had my one special person in my life.  The hole in my life and heart was so wide and painful.  As I have journeyed down the road of grief, I have also recognized the trail is paved with love.  I grieve because I have loved.  The love will always be in my heart and has made me a more compassionate and loving person.  When we experience the loss of our inner circle, there is an emptiness but also a thanksgiving for the privilege of sharing life together. 

The grief of missing my grandma, my parents, my friends, and my husband, Dave is part of who I am, but so is the love they gave to me.  It mingles together to form a foundation of strength, character and hope.   Because I have been loved and have loved, I can love again.

As I begin this new chapter., I recognize I may go through grief again and experience loss.  I do not dwell there but focus on living in the present and enjoying life.  But I also know, because I have loved and grieved, I will again walk this journey, but it will mingle together and form more of my life.  I will never stop loving.  I will never stop grieving.  The grief is missing the person and daily presence.  The essence of who they are is in my memories and the love is in my heart.  The love and memories never die.

Sorrow In Your Joy

“Weeping may last for the night, but joy comes with the morning.”   Psalm 30:5

I recently led a women’s retreat on the topic “Take Time To Be Joyful.”  When I was asked months ago to lead this retreat on joy, I was not feeling like I was living in joy.  I was seeing moments of joy and feelings of contentment in life, but still felt unsettled. I was trying to figure out life without grief being the center.  I was processing through my grief knowing I did not want to stay focused on grief the rest of my life.  I am aware grief will always be a part of me, but was my life built on grief or on joy?

In Philippians, Paul tells us – “Be full of joy in the Lord always.  I will say again, be full of joy.”  (4:4)  Joy is within us and we are to be full of joy in the Lord always.  What is this joy then?  Joy is not based on external circumstances of life, that is what happiness is.  I am happy because I am eating my favorite ice cream.  I am happy when the sun is shining.  Happiness is temporary but joy is forever.  Joy is from within.  It comes from the Lord and lives within our hearts.

Joy is part of our foundation of faith.  When you give your heart to Jesus, He fills you with His joy.  It is a deep and abiding joy.  It is being content knowing Jesus has a hold of your hand and walks with you through the sorrows and hurts of life.  Joy is a trust that no matter what is happening in my life, I can experience the presence of Jesus.  In my grief and sorrow, I knew God was with me and was holding my hand and even carrying me when life seems so difficult and hopeless.  As I journeyed through my grief, I became content that this was the way my life would always be.  It was OK to be sad and grieve and it was Ok to have moments of happiness and live in the moment.  But there was still something missing in my heart.

Joy is not something we create on our own but comes from within us when we allow the Holy Spirit to be
in control.  Joy is a choice.  Joy does not mean I smile and am happy on the outside all the time.  Joy means that I am intentional in choosing to see God as the center of my life and guiding me through the valleys and mountains of life.  Joy is choosing to look at the positive side of life and not listen to all the negative chatter of the world around me.  Joy is the foundation of my life and the foundation allows for sorrow to mingle in the joy.  Sorrow is a part of my life but not a part of the foundation of my life.  I do not build my life on sorrow but on joy.

Joy and sorrow mingle together, but joy is always under the sorrow.  In my sorrow and grief, I know that God’s love and presence is what is sustaining me.  I am being held in God’s loving arms until the storm passes by.  I
reach for my loving Father’s hand throughout each day to remind me I am not alone.  When my grief and sadness seem overwhelming, I bring my focus back to Jesus.  Joy and contentment is only found in the presence of Jesus.

Finding Your Place

“Let me hide under the shadow of your wings until the trouble has passed.”  Psalm 57:1

As I walked the journey of grief, I felt lost and alone with no place to hide from the sadness and grief.  Grief permeates every part of life.  We can compartmentalize our grief at times by keeping busy in our work, daily tasks or volunteering.  When we have completed the task for the day the grief comes out of the box we have placed it, and we feel the intensity of the loneliness and sadness.  We want to hide from the emotions and pain of the loneliness.  It is in these moments that I found a safe place to hide – in the shadow of God’s wings. 

God wraps His wings or arms around us just as a mother bird wraps around her babies to protect them in
the nest and keep them warm and safe from harm.  In our times of pain and grief, God wants to be our safe place and wrap His Holy Spirit around us until the intensity softens and we can again find hope and peace during our grief and sorrow.

As I journeyed, the intensity of my grief softened but the loneliness and needing a safe place continued. As I moved from place to place, I was searching for my place.  Jesus, in talking with the disciples as he prepared to go to the cross and leave them, said “I am going to prepare a place for you.”  (John 14:2)  I always believed Jesus was talking only about Heaven.  While Jesus is describing a place in Heaven for those who believe in him will have with him, he is also talking about preparing a place where we will abide with him in our daily
lives.  We open our hearts to have Jesus as our companion and friend on our journey.  We are never alone.  Jesus prepares us to be with him.  We have a permanent place with Jesus.

I just moved for the fifth time in five years and again had to complete the mail forwarding information with the Post Office.  One question asks if the new address is “Temporary” or “Permanent.”  I just laugh when I check “Permanent” knowing nothing is permanent here on earth.  I am just passing through this world on my way to heaven.  I have a longing for a place that I have never been.

I recognize I am different because of the experiences of my life.  The first 18 years of my life, I lived in one location – the farm my dad was raised on since he was 3 years old.  Then I went to college and lived in 4 different dorms, a different job and place each summer and winter break, and then I dog sat, house sat and was a live-in nanny.  Then I became a minister and lived in parish houses and apartments.  I got married and Dave and I lived in 3 different homes.  Then I moved to my hometown, back to a rental home.  I have lived in over 20 locations since high school.  Each were “permanent” at the time.  I lived in the present and gave myself fully to the task, the work, the learning experience, and the relationship.

Each of these moves, though, were temporary.  They were where God called me to be and to experience. 
God prepared the place for me to learn, grow and share His love and grace with those He put on my path

God is preparing the next place for me.  God puts on my path those who He wants me to share the journey with and who He wants me to serve and share His love.   Sometimes we walk the journey alone and find our place and other times, we walk with a partner and share the journey.  Either way, each step we take prepares us for our permanent home someday in Heaven with Jesus.

No matter if you have never physically moved or moved from place to place, our Heavenly Father is always our safe place.  God is our safe place in our grief and sorrow and in our joys and good times.  We always need a safe place to dwell where we can laugh and enjoy life with someone we love and where we can cry and share our sorrow with the one who loves us the most.

Find your place!

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Dealing With Stuff

“Don’t store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal.  But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven….”     Matthew 6:19-20

When I was a freshman in High School, our family home was destroyed by fire.  It was through this experience my view of possessions was established.  Possessions can be replaced, people cannot.  Relationships are the most important.  I also came to the understanding that the memories behind the possessions stay within your heart long after the material object is gone or destroyed.

After my mom died, my siblings and I had to deal with my parents’ home and all of their earthly possessions.  We found the objects that had sentimental value or monetary value and divided them between the five of us.  We each had memories even if we did not receive the possession.  I still have several items of my parents. 

When Dave died, I had a condo filled with his possessions and all the furniture we had purchased in our marriage.  The first thing I did was share his clothes with his son, daughter and family and then the rest were donated to a men’s recovery program.  Many of his collections of nick knacks have been distributed to family, church family and then donated to a church sale.  Dave enjoyed collecting a wide variety of stuff.  It had meaning to him and he enjoyed decorating our homes with Native American collections and flea market treasures.  They were important to him, but the memory of his enjoyment of them was enough for me.  Therefore, I shared the collections with others so that they could have a material reminder of Dave in their homes.

I moved to my hometown for 18 months and when I began to plan my next move, I donated most of my possessions – furniture, family treasures and kitchen stuff – to my siblings and my nieces and nephews. 
I wanted others to have possessions in their homes that reminded them of Dave and the life that we had shared together.  I wanted to travel light.

I moved the basics for me – bed, clothes, office desk, chair and wall hangings.  I still have several boxes of
memorabilia to sort through.  Possessions can possess and control us.  Things have a way of taking over and overwhelming us.  We own a lot of “stuff” throughout our lives.  Many of you have had to clean out the homes
of parents, grandparents, or your own home.  When we move, it is amazing how many boxes of stuff we never unpacked from the last move. 

I like to move – it is the best way for me to purge what I own.  I ask myself, “Have I used it since my last
move?”  “Is it necessary or useful?”  “Does it have sentimental value?”  I am learning to treasure possessions in my heart and not in my house.

I have moved again and all the memorabilia I thought I had to keep, I looked at and thought, “The memories are alive in my heart, and I don’t need to keep the actual physical object.”  The real treasure is the relationship of those who gave me the gift or who were a part of the event.  I have come to realize the memories in my heart and the love of relationships are so much more valuable than the actual possession.  Possessions
hold me back but the memories give me hope and challenge me to keep moving and growing and sharing.

The Adventure of Love

“We love because God first loved us.”             I John 4:19

What is love?  Oh, there are so many definitions, so many songs about love and so many people who feel unloved and wonder if love even exists.

What is love?  The first time I said “I love you” to my husband, Dave, he asked me this question.  I was taken back that he didn’t receive my love, but he did and wanted to know the depth of my heart.  The words were not just spoken in response but from the depth of my heart.

Love….it grows, matures and makes life beautiful.  Love also fades and withers due to lack of cultivating and growing.  I was blessed with a marriage that was centered not just on our love for one another but on the love of God for both of us.  We can only love because God first loved us.  God showed us what love is by sending his one and only Son into the world so we could have life through him.

“This is what real love is:  It is not our love for God; it is God’s love for us in sending his Son to be the way to take away our sins.”   I John 4:10

I believe love never ends; it just takes a different form.  The love I have for Dave, for my parents, my grandparents, and special people in my life stays within me.  It is my foundation of love and life.  Because I have been loved and have loved, I have the ability to love again.  I cannot create any more memories with those I have loved and are now in heaven, but their love continues to guide and direct my path in life.

I have walked this journey of grief over the loss of my husband, Dave, for four and a half years.  On this journey I have encountered many who are grieving and God has given me the ability to comfort them with the same
comfort He has given me.  I have tried many ways to live in this different life.  I have moved locations several times, given away most of my possessions, tried different opportunities, traveled, visited friends, officiated at
weddings, baptisms and funerals, and in each adventure, I have drawn closer to God.

I have served and given of myself and received blessings in abundance.  I am thankful for all the opportunities God has placed in my path that I would not have had if I had not experienced this deep grief.  I am NOT thankful Dave died, but I am thankful Dave is in heaven.  I am thankful for all the adventures God has given to me since Dave went to heaven.

I have missed though the love adventure and being a priority in someone’s life.  I have prayed daily for God’s will and if God had someone else for me to walk the path of life with, He would have to place them on my path.  I was not seeking or searching, but trusting in God to know what was best for my life.

  I have grieved more after death because of the short period of illness of Dave.  We have both loved and grieved.  Because we have a foundation of faith and love, we can build upon it and begin a new adventure in love.

God is at the center of my life and my relationship.  The love I have experienced in my life is still within me. 
It has molded me and because I have loved, I can love again and be filled with the love God created for a man and a woman to share.

The Leap With Fear

“Perfect love cast out all fear.”             I John 4:18

Fear is being afraid of the unknown, of what might happen.  Fear holds us back and keeps us from experiencing life and the adventures that are waiting just around the corner.

Grief enhances our fear.  When our loved one dies, especially if our loved one was our main support and main relationship, we experience fear in our loneliness.  “Who will I turn to?”  “Who will be there for me?”  “Who can I talk to?”  “Who can I trust?”  Fear can isolate at a time we really need people around us.

I watched a recent Hallmark movie where one of the main characters was afraid of heights.  She was told by the leading man, “Fear may not go away.  You may have to do it afraid.”  Fear tends to keep us from
experiencing the adventures of life.  Fear holds us back and whispers in our ear “It will be bad.”  Fear takes us to the worst case scenario – everything that could go wrong.  The reality is that it probably won’t but fear assures us something will go wrong or others will not approve.

Fear keeps us on the merry-go-round of life doing the same thing over and over again even when it is
not satisfying and we may even dread it.  But it is familiar and we stay and become complacent, bored, discontent but afraid to change.

Fear tells us that bad things will just keep happening to us and life will never be good.  Fear keeps us in our grief and sadness because we don’t know what life will be like without our loved one.  We are afraid to risk viewing life with a different lens because we have never done that before.  Fear tells us this is how life will always be from now on.

Fear is a liar.  Anxiety and worry feed our fear.  We are afraid of the future and worry about all that could happen.  The future seems too scary so we spend our time worrying about all that could happen and never live fully in the present.

Fear takes away also the assurance that we are loved and that even God loves us and is with us.  Perfect love – God’s love – takes away all fear, but only when we trust God.  Perfect love is God loving us each moment and being aware of His presence even in the difficult and painful moments of our lives.

As we walk the journey of grief and begin to contemplate a future, fear grips us as we look into this unknown life.  The voices of fear in our head tell us it will be too difficult and the loneliness is too overwhelming.  Fear holds on to the past because the future is just too risky and unknown.  I agree it is a risk and it is unknown, but
it is what we have.  Sometimes we just have to take a leap even when we are afraid knowing God is with us and is already in the future.

I have been taking leaps with fear throughout my life and my grief.  I accept that I will not know where I will always land, but I do know that God is already there when I land.  I may be afraid but I still take the leap.

Go Further

“We love because God first loved us.”                                           I John 4:19

This past week I spent time in Punta Gorda, Florida with dear friends, John and Marilyn.  It was a time of writing, reflection, running, praying and some time in the sunshine.  God gave me this time to prepare for the next chapter of my life.

Reflection is a time to be still and quiet before God and allow the Holy Spirit to penetrate deep within our soul.  In this time words are not necessary because God is speaking to our hearts and we respond with “sighs too deep for words.” (Romans 8:26)  Sighing to me is a depth of closeness to God when human words seem so shallow and not worthy of the closeness of God within us.

I have had so many moments of sighing and reflection on my grief journey and in my faith journey.  These moments have been the beginning of growth leading into the next journey of my life.

Punta Gorda was one of the last trips Dave and I took before his diagnosis in 2015.  It is where I have gone in my mind when I needed a good memory to bring me out of the depth of grief.  I remember a great day on our trip where we spent the day together – just the two of us – talking, walking, eating out and relaxing together.  God blessed us with this time of refreshment and relaxation to prepare us for the next eight months of illness, decline and separation by death.  This day sustained me in my grief.  When the sadness was overwhelming, I would retreat into this day and remember and smile that God had blessed us with these good moments together.

This past week I returned to the same area and ran the path around the Harbor and hotel where Dave and I stayed.  Last year I ran this path and God spoke to me as I ran.  The path had been extended.  God revealed that Dave and I were to walk the path of life together for a while.  Because of our time together and the growth
and strength I gained in our marriage; I could continue down the extended path without Dave.

As I ran this same path on Sunday, God spoke these words to my heart and soul – “It is OK to love again.”  I felt the words come from Dave through God’s Spirit as I ran beside the hotel where we had stayed.  I can no longer give more love to Dave.  He is in the presence of God who is love.  He can no longer give more to me,
but God is and will continue to give of His love.  This was a moment of intense emotion, a release and a closure.  God was releasing me of my intense grief and giving me permission to love again.  Dave will always be a part of me, and I will continue to remember, to have moments of sadness but also rejoice.  Dave is surrounded with love in heaven – a perfect and complete love.

Sunday, as I worshipped with my friends, in the sermon God spoke two distinct words to me – “Go Further.”  As I reflected on these words, I felt God saying to me – “Don’t stop living.  Go further.  Keep moving.  You have loved and will love again.  You are on the right path I have for you.  It’s different than others but it is what I have for you.  Don’t stop.  Go further.”

And that is what I am doing.  I am going further.  I am loving again.  I am listening to God’s Spirit. 

Listen.  Love.  Go Further.

The Humbleness of Grief

“Humble yourselves before the Lord and He will exalt you.” James 4:10

Humbleness is not a characteristic that is admired in our society today.  To be humble is to be reflective, to have a spirit of deference and submission.  It is being unpretentious and not proudful.  The world views humble as being meek and lowly and suggests weakness.  I disagree with this view.

To be humble is to allow God to be in control of our lives.  It is being dependent on God for everything and to recognize our need to walk beside God in the joys and sorrows of life.

In our grief, we try to be strong and sometimes our pride gets in the way of our healing and need for help.  We think we are supposed to handle the sorrow and pain alone, and don’t know how to ask for help and support.  We put on our public face when we walk out the door, trying to be brave and strong on our own.  This can exhaust us to the point of not wanting to go out of our safe zone and we can become more reclusive which turns our grief inward.  It is difficult in the early stages of our grief to even know how we feel let alone share these feelings and emotions with others.  So when someone asks how they can be of help or support, we don’t know what we really need.  Therefore, we respond that “we are fine” and thank them for the offer.

Our pride gets in the way.  We really want someone to walk with us and to cry with and to just be present with us, but we don’t want to ask.  We don’t want to bother anyone or be a bother to anyone.  Asking for help feels like a sign of weakness and a lack of faith.  We want to appear strong and capable of working through the grief on our own.  We may not want to even cry in front of others out of fear of being pitied or even worse told you should be over this by now.

The humbleness of grief comes when we admit how we feel and what we really need.  It is when we make the call to someone and ask for them to walk beside us.  It is when we answer truthfully to someone who asks how we are doing.  Humbleness is admitting we cannot walk this journey alone.  We really need others and we need God to hold us close and to carry us through the darkness of our grief and sadness.

As I have walked this journey of grief, I have matured in my grief knowing I don’t have all the answers nor am I an expert in understanding other people’s grief.  Grief can become unhealthy when we become almost prideful saying our grief is more intense than somebody else’s grief.  We believe what we have experienced is worse than what other people go through in their lifetime.  We can have a sense of being the victim all the time and we deserve to be miserable and others should always feel sorry for us.  This is not humbleness but a strange pridefulness that we stay stuck in our grief because it has become our identity.

I recognize my journey of grief has moved me down the path of life.  I am humbled to have been able to love and be loved and to share in life with others who have strengthened me and challenged me to grow and build on my foundation of life.  I am where I am because of their love and because of my grief for them.  Grief has matured me to see life differently and to prioritize what is really important in life.

Grief has also humbled me before God knowing I was not strong enough on my own to walk this path. God has carried me, held me close, allowed me to be angry and still loved me, and I have cried in God’s arms.  I needed God and need Him everyday whether I am grieving or laughing.  Through my grief, I fell to my knees and gave God my pride and cried in my weakness that I need you, God.  God accepted the cries and has brought healing and hope into my life.

Humble yourself in your grief and God will life you up and hold you close.

No Future In The Past

“Forgetting the past and straining toward what is ahead, I keep trying to reach the goal and get the prize for which God called me through Christ to the life above.”     Philippians 3:13-14

When I first read this Scripture, I disagreed with forgetting the past but as one studies these words of Paul, he
does not want us to forget who we were nor our foundation of faith.  We need to stop living only in the past.  We cannot add to the past nor change the past.  The memories of the past are events of the past that made a difference and impact in our lives.  Hopefully we have learned from them

We cannot look backward and still live in the present or move into the future.  In the beginning of our grief, we want time to stand still and we cannot imagine how to live in life without our loved one.  Life needs to slow down and give us time to reflect and catch our breath.  But as we know, time never does that.  It just keeps ticking and moving one tick of the clock at a time.

There comes a point in our path of grief that we begin to think about living again.  How do we live in this different life?  It is a life we did not choose but it is the life we currently have.  We want to live not just exist but living seems like a letting go of the past.

What I have come to understand is that the past is my foundation of life.  The past has taught me valuable lessons.  Some of these lessons have been through failures and very difficult circumstances, but I have grown stronger and more dependent upon God through this journey.  The past has revealed heartache and sadness but also the awareness that God is molding me and making me into who He created me to be.

So I am beginning to strain toward what is ahead.  I will never forget the love of relationships in my past.  They will always be a part of who I am, but I am reaching toward the goal of becoming all God has created me to be.  I want to hold God’s hand and leap into the future and find peace and joy again.

While the prize Paul refers to is Heaven as our ultimate goal, it is also the prize of living fully in the present and serving God faithfully each day.  Sometimes God calls us to grieve, too.  God wants us to express the emotions and feelings and release them into His care.  When we do not acknowledge these God given emotions, we are not being all God created us to be.  God wants us to experience every aspect of life and then walk with others on the journey – straining forward.  Life will never be the same, but it was not meant to be the same.  It was meant to be lived fully in the present.

I led a seminar this past week on grief.  A gentleman who attended was a retired pastor whose wife had died six years ago in the facility I was leading the seminar.  This gentleman comes every day to the facility and visits from room to room.  He said it has helped him to grieve and to comfort others with the same comfort God has given him.  He is not living in the past but finding meaning in his past to move him forward in serving and sharing and loving.  His visits bring hope and life into his own life.

I am grateful for my past and my relationships and all I have learned from the people and the experiences.  They have helped to shape me but do not define me totally.  There is more to come.  God is not done with
any of us yet as long as we still have breath in us.  Keep breathing, living and straining forward.  Yes, it is a strain at times – with hurt, pain and sadness, but keep trying and finding moments of living.  Those moments will come together and make a life.

Jesus Shows Up

“Jesus said, “I am the resurrection and the life.  Those who believe in me will have life even if they die.”                                                                                              John 11:25

This past week, I shared the eulogy in the funeral of my dear friend, adopted brother and brother in Christ, John.  His cousin, Dennis, shared the message in the service.  He shared the scripture of Lazarus’ death and Jesus arriving to be with Mary and Martha.  Dennis used the phrase “Jesus showed up” throughout his message.  I have been pondering this phrase throughout this week.

Jesus showed up for Mary and Martha in their grief to bring comfort and to grieve with them – “Jesus wept.” (John 11:35) But what Jesus brought to them was also hope.  This world is not all there is and when life
ends here, Jesus will show up because he is the resurrection and life.  Jesus leads us to our new life.

As I mourned with John’s family who had adopted me into their lives, the loss of life was intense.  John was truly the rock of this family.  His laughter, love for life and his love for family gave meaning to everyone’s life. 
The hole in this family is huge.  The emptiness and pain of loss was felt in each moment.  But in the moments were also hope.  John was in heaven and we will see each other again.

I had the privilege of visiting with John over the past months. In one of our last visits, we talked about heaven.  I read to him the book The Next Place by Warren Hanson.  Hanson describes Heaven as just the next place we go after we leave this earth.  After I read the book to John, we talked about the people he would see in Heaven which brought a smile and peace to John.

I believe in Heaven and that when we breathe our last breath on earth the next breath Is in heaven.  This is the hope Jesus gives us.  Jesus shows up in death because he has conquered death and comes to lead us home.  Before John died, he reached out.  I believe John reached out and took the hand of Jesus.  Jesus showed up for John.

I believe Jesus shows up for us in our grief.  He walks beside us, cries with us and at times carries us when the burden is so heavy. Jesus shows up on the path of this different life and guides us down the path.  He understands our fears, our sadness and our desire to live in this different life.

Jesus has shown up in my life. He has been carrying me through my grief.  He cried with me.  He walks with
me on this different path of life.  As people I love take the journey to heaven, my hope and belief in heaven grows stronger.  I know they are being welcomed into heaven by those I love.  Jesus shows up in heaven to welcome them home.

Jesus shows up to give me hope and encouragement on this journey of life.  Jesus lives within me and also walks beside me guiding me to live and serve him.  Jesus keeps showing up and I am so thankful.  I cannot live this different life without him.