The Waves of Loss

“I am the one who made the beaches to be border for the sea, a border that water can never go past. The waves may pound the beach, but they can’t win over it. They may roar, but they cannot go beyond it.” Jeremiah 5:22

I sat beside my friend who was mourning the death of his wife of 72 years. She was also my dear friend. He said, “I am fine for awhile and then it hits me, and I just fall apart. There are no words to describe it.” As he spoke, tears filled his eyes and he was then unable to speak. My heart ached for him. I understood the deep loss. His life was centered on their love. The waves of grief hit him at unexpected times and overwhelmed him with sorrow that no words can adequately describe.

I pulled out my recipe file and found the recipe for banana cake. It was written in my mom’s handwriting. Memories flooded my mind as I recalled my mom making this cake so many times when I was a child. The wave of loss overwhelmed me, and tears flooded my eyes as I missed my mom. It has been 13 years, but the wave of loss still flows over me from time to time.

In this uncertain time, the waves crash upon me. There are days I feel good and enjoy this quiet time with God and the slower pace of life. I give thanks for health and for those who are on the front lines caring for the sick. Then the wave of uncertainty and irritation knock me down. I want to be done with all of this. I am tired of not being able to live the life I feel called to live and go where I need to go and visit people. I get impatient and feel life is not fair and I want to blame somebody. The loss of freedom and “normal” life engulfs me, and I want my life back. Then I begin praying for those who are sick and who are caring for them. I feel selfish but also long for life to return to some type of normal routine. I grieve the life I want and dream of living.

Emotions come in waves. They keep coming. we never stop loving. We never stop feeling the emptiness and the loss. Some days the waves come continually just one after another. We barely catch our breath before the next wave hits. The storm of sadness and loss consume us, and we wonder if there will ever be a calmness in the winds of grief.

Grief seems never ending and constant. The waves crash continually, and it is hard to catch your breath before the next wave pummels us to our knees. That is how grief begins. The waves never slow down enough to have peace. The storm continues to rage. The tears and anger flow like a raging river. We wonder if life will always be like this, but then the waves come slower and you have a moment to breathe. The storms still come but they are not as close together. Our hearts are still broken but the pain of the brokenness becomes a little less intense.

I have come to recognize that like the waves on the beach that always come, grief will always come into my life. Sometimes gently with gifts of peace and hope like the waves bring the gift of shells. Other times like the raging storm, my grief overwhelms and knocks me down for a time. Life is filled with grief and loss in various forms and for a variety of reasons. It is learning to accept grief as a natural part of life. It will come just like the waves. But I am not alone in the waves. God holds my hand and sometimes catches me in the storm so that I do not fall. God does not stop the waves of grief just as God does not stop the waves from crashing on the beach.

My picture of the waves of grief has been changing. At first, I wanted to see myself as a strong individual who could stand strong on my own as the waves crashed around me. I could handle this. I had a firm foundation, and I could be a witness to others. But the waves were too strong and the grief too intense and I was sinking in the sand. My picture of grief now is as a little child. God, the Father and Jesus are holding my hands. At times I am being lifted above the waves and other times I am being held in His arms because the waves are too strong for my childlike legs to stand. Other times, I feel the Holy Spirit strengthening my legs to withstand the crashing waves.

What I have discovered is that the waves of grief are too strong to handle on our own. We need to surrender in childlike faith and trust to the One who holds us close. God does not take us out of the storm or raging waves, but He is our constant presence and peace in the storm. Grieve as a child - with innocence, with questions, with tears. Allow God, the Father, to hold you tight in the waves.