“We rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character; and character, hope.”

Romans 5:4 (NIV)

Grief is a natural part of life.  I did not recognize this concept of grief until I experienced the death of my husband, Dave.  The intensity of grief was more than I had experienced, but I recognized the familiarity of the grief.

In each chapter of our lives, we are confronted with grief, though we may not name it as such.  We may call it just a passage of life, but if we take the time to reflect on the experiences and chapters of life, we can identify the grief in each one.  The grief may appear as change or loss, but it is still a form of grief.

At the time, we may rejoice and see it as maturing in life, leaving the old and the excitement of the new.  For example – leaving childhood and becoming a teenager, and then off to college, new jobs and careers as adults, leaving home, getting married and so much more.  All of these are producing and building character within us.  But later in life, as we ponder all these changes, we may recognize our sadness for the loss of innocence, the carefree life of a child, the lack of daily responsibilities and the adventurous spirit.  We are grieving the changes of our lives.  It may have expressed itself at the time as anxiety, apprehension, fear, but it was a type of grief.  It was a letting go of the familiar and taking a step or a huge leap of faith into the unknown future.  The past remains a part of who we are, and we build upon it.  We grieve change but also rejoice in the different.  There can be hope in the midst of the grief and change.

In the death of a loved one, we suffer the deep pain and loss of our loved one’s physical presence in our daily lives.  Our bodies feel the intense pain and emptiness that comes with death.  We cry, we sob, we get angry, and we experience emotional chaos at times.

We may think, “When will the grief and sadness end?”  The reality is because we have loved deeply, we will grieve in some form the rest of our lives.  We persevere or endure the intense “gut-punch” grief and then grief continues to ebb and flow in our lives as we face the reality of loss.  We had hoped that the pain and grief would end so we could go on with life, but that is not how grief and loss work.

We have to live in the grief.  We don’t get over grief entirely, but we learn to live with it.  Life is lived in the midst of sadness and loss.  We live with the hole in our hearts and become thankful that we have loved.  Nothing changes the deep longing to have the one we love back with us.  We know they are with us in spirit and love, but the grief is for their physical presence and for them to be active in our lives.

The grief we experience the rest of our lives will have intense moments and triggers that just happen without rhyme or reason most of the time.  We try new ways of living and everything is different.  We begin to learn to live in this different.  The key is living not just existing which is a difficult step to take in our grief.

It is recognizing it is OK to grieve and nobody else can understand your grief.  It is your grief and you are the one to live in it.  Others may tell you that it is time to be over your grief and move on with your life.  If you try to follow their advice, you will be denying what is really inside you and not be who you are.  Then you will feel guilty when you feel sad and cry and grieve within.  Live in your own grief in the way you need to, but live with it.  Allow the joy and the sorrow of life to mingle together.