“Then Job’s friends sat on the ground with Job seven days and seven nights.  No one said a word to him because they saw how much he was suffering.”   Job 2:13 (NCV)

In the book of Job in the Bible, Job had lost everything except his wife.  His children died, he suffers physically, and he lost all of his possessions.  His friends came to be with him in his grief and suffering.  They were present and spoke no words for a week.  They just sat with him.  If they had stayed silent, Job’s friends would have been the best example of compassion and care for those grieving.  But when you read the book of Job, they did not stay silent.  They spoke and their words were not helpful to Job in his grief and suffering.

Words are rarely helpful in our deep grief.  Words are trite sounding and cannot fix how we feel.  The best words to say when there is a loss are five words – “I’m sorry for your loss.”  Then, if you have a story, share it briefly how the person made a difference in your life or an event you remember with their loved one.  If you feel comfortable, hug the person or at least touch their arm to make a connection.

I have a whole list of what not to say at a funeral or to someone grieving.  Like – “I know how you feel.”  You may have experienced loss, but you do not know the feelings of another person.  “You’ll get over it soon.”   No, you won’t get over loving someone.  You will always love them, but in a different way.  “He’s in a better place.”  Yes, you know that but in our grief, it does not bring comfort.  It just reminds us of the separation.  Oh, there are so much more things not to say, because nothing really brings comfort.  Just be present.

The healthy way to talk about our grief is with a trusted friend who has already walked the journey and is further down the path of grief or a counselor.  In talking, you are not seeking answers, you want to share your feelings and emotions with someone who listens and does not try to fix you or disregard how you feel.

Expressing your grief helps to release the emotions connected to the questions inside of you.  The emotion of anger asks – “Why did this happen?” “Why did you leave me?” Guilt asks – “What if…..?”  The hurt inside asks – Why aren’t you here?  Everything would be OK if you were here.    Fear questions – “What am I going to do now?”  Regret states – “I should have.”

Just being able to talk through these questions and emotions helps you to make them real and to release the emotions bottled up inside of you.  Saying statements out loud or to someone you trust, gives you permission to feel this way and to admit what you tried to hide deep within.

Another aspect of talking through our grief involves continuing a conversation with our loved one.  It is saying “Good morning” and “Good night” and “I love you.”  It is having conversations and recognizing your loved one continues to live in your heart.  It helps to talk to your loved one’s picture, an empty chair, the grave or just to the empty space around you.  You can talk through many of the emotions and questions.  It is a way to continue to share your daily life with your loved one.  I tell my husband, Dave, about my day and share the stories I know he would have enjoyed hearing.  Talking with our loved one helps to keep them a part of our lives and to remember they lived and will always be within us.