“For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven…a time to be born and a time to die.”

Ecclesiastes 3:1-2

Nature has four basic seasons – spring, summer, fall and winter.  Each season has its natural flow depending on where you live in the world.  Each year the weather is a little different, but has a predictable course within the season.  Sometimes there is no distinction between seasons or the weather changes abruptly even within a single day.

Grief has its seasons with some predictable stages and elements in the journey of grief.  Many times grief feels all over the place with no real natural order just chaos and confusion.  We may think we are moving through a season or chapter, only to repeat it again and again wondering if we will ever find peace in life.

Within the seasons of grief are many emotions, feelings and reactions that seem to come around each year.  They look different over time, but we still experience them.

Grief has four emotional seasons.  One season is aloneness or stillness which comes usually quickly after a loss when all we feel is numbness and a fog.  We just exist and find it hard to function in day to day life.  We feel the “gut punch” of grief and the emptiness of life.  We cry and cry and cry some more, sometimes with tears and sometimes it is a deep cry of loneliness within us.  As we encounter this season again, the stillness may change into a quiet peace and acceptance.  We begin to rely on God to hold our hand as we rest in God’s Holy presence.  Emotions flow between these extremes in our stillness.  At first being alone brings intense heartache and pain but slowly we learn to treasure alone times and find being alone with God the only time of quietness and peace.

A second emotional season is memories.  The memories of our loved one bring a longing to be with them, to hold them, and to have them physically with us.  We cry for their touch and pictures remind us that they are not here.  As we journey, this season changes into remembering the difference the person made in our own life and the lives of others.  We remember a story, and for the first time, we smile and laugh as we relive the event.  We begin to see the legacy our loved one left and the impact made in life.

A third emotional season is the season of relationships.  We are angry that we have “lost” this most important relationship.  We know nothing will replace the hole in our lives.  We feel disconnected with life and other people who have gone on living their own lives.  It seems impossible to live without our loved one.  We grieve the loss of other relationships that were connected with our loved one.  As we continue the journey, we develop unexpected relationships with others who are on the path of grief and who understand our roller coaster of emotions.  We feel a connection.  And then we begin to develop a deeper relationship with God who has loved us in our anger and pain and supported us even when we did not feel His presence.

A fourth emotional season is acceptance.  It seemed impossible to go on with life without our loved one.  Denial has been part of this season.  It seemed like a dream, and I will wake up soon.  We try to convince ourselves that it will get better soon only to feel like we are free falling with nothing to catch us.  Then as we journey again and again through this season, we admit that life is different.  Different isn’t bad, it’s just different.

So how do I live in this different?  How do I accept that this is the life I have now, and I have to live in it? I begin to believe I can with God’s help.  I know life will never be the same because I am different than I use to be, too.  My loved one is different because they are in heaven and not physically with me.  My life will look and feel different and I have to find my place in life again and actually live not just exist. 

These emotional seasons will continue to come and go and cycle throughout my life.  I am beginning to learn from each season and accept that I am not going backward in my emotions, just going through the season further down the journey.

Like the stages of grief, these seasons are intermixed.  There is no definite line or passageway through.  Just like some days of the year in Ohio, we can experience all four of the seasons of nature from snow, to rain, to sunshine and to wind with the temperature changing over 60 degrees in one day.  In grief, we can experience all of the emotional seasons in one day, and feel the exhaustion of the intense emotional whirlwind blowing through us.  We need to give ourselves permission to experience all of these emotional seasons and to know that they are not neat nor orderly, but chaotic, up and down, and continuous.  At times they will slow down and other times we feel like we are in the midst of a storm.  Hold on or better yet, hold God’s hand in the storm.  Trust that you need to walk this way to bring healing and hope.  You will always have emotions in grief.  Sometimes we can contain them in our hearts and sometimes they overflow in our eyes.  It is not about time, it is about love.  Love grieves with hope.