Understanding My Tears

“I am tired of crying to you.  Every night my bed is wet with tears; my bed is soaked from my crying.”   Psalm 6:6

Just the other day, I was thinking about buying some house plants for my condo and thought I needed to check with my mom about what was best, and then it hit me, wait, she is in Heaven.  Even after all these years, my first thought on so many things is to call my mom.  A friend from the Highway Patrol called me last week and my first thought after I hung up was to share it with Dave, but he is in Heaven.

Then life happened.  I was frustrated.  Something made me sad.  I felt broken and the only people I wanted to share my hurt with were in Heaven.  As I talked with a recent widow and heard her brokenness and pain, I remembered feeling this intense hurt and the only one who could help me was the one I was grieving.  This is truly the definition of grief.  We are grieving the one we love more than anyone else and that person is the only one who we want to give us comfort and help through the pain.  When we realize this, that is when the intensity of the loss overwhelms us.  Nobody else can give to us the comfort we desire.  Our tears flow as we face this reality of grief.  The one who completes us and gives meaning to life and purpose to living is the one who brings these deep emotions because they are gone.  They are in Heaven.

A photo from eight years ago just appeared on my Facebook memories.  I am usually prepared for pictures of Dave and my parents knowing they will be filled with memories and emotions.  But this was a photo of my dog, Annie destroying a toy.  What brought me to tears and sadness was the carpet.  Now that sounds ridiculous even as I write this, but those who grieve will understand.  The carpet was in the house Dave and I purchased together.  It represented our life, our foundation, and the familiarity.  The triggers in grief catch us off guard.  We expect the big events and dates, but not carpet.

Finding an unexpected voice mail of his voice breaks open the well of tears.  Hanging the quilt of his neckties catches your breath and floods your mind of pictures of him wearing each tie.  The anniversary of her funeral service and reading through the words of her service makes your eyes moist.  Listening to his favorite song and remembering how he smiled and hugged you when he heard it, quiets your soul to cry within.  And the list goes on and on of the tears that come on the journey of grief.

Tears are necessary to cleanse our souls.  They come in waves.  They come often at times or for some, seldom.  They are outward sometimes, but mainly the tears flow within our hearts.  We tend to keep them hidden from others, trusting only a few to see them, but sometimes it is impossible to control the valve of emotion that pours from our eyes.

We do not understand our own tears.  We wonder what triggers the waterfalls and why we do not cry at some of the more intense memories.  Other people do not seem to understand why we are still shedding tears after all this time.

I believe tears flow inward and outward and define the emotions of grief.  Tears express what we cannot put into words.  They break forth when we have tried to keep the emotions bottled up inside of us.  Something needs to be released, so the tears begin.  God gave us tears for a reason.  He knew we would experience pain and heartache in this broken world.  He gave us a way to express the hurt.  God understands our tears.

The Isaacs sing the song – “He Understands Our Tears.”  The chorus states –

“He understands when all I do is cry

He feels the hurt that no one can see down inside.

And when the words get in the way

I know He still hears

For He understands my tears.

The words get in the way when we try to explain the feelings inside.  God understands our tears.  He accepts them and feels the hurt that is deep inside.  God understands when no one else on earth does.  The one who would understand is with God now in Heaven.  So as God feels our pain, our loved one is beside Jesus who receives our tears.