Forever Changed
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“But look! I tell you this secret: We will not all sleep in death, but we will all be changed.”
I Corinthians 15:51
Life is filled with changes. Our bodies change in each phase of life. Where we live changes with growth or decline. The world changes with leadership and the effects of nature. Many times changes are connected to dates like September 11th – when our sense of security and safety was changed forever. Even this year, March 15th began the shut down of our country because of the virus.
I write this on Friday, September 18, 2020. Today marks five years that my husband, Dave, has been in Heaven. I remember the journey toward death and leaving this world. It was months of changes in his body while his spirit remained strong and focused on getting up each day and trying to live his life to the fullest. With each change in his body brought on from the brain tumors, I had to change my routine and care and responsibility. My life was forever changed when God released him from his pain and suffering and took him home.
I will always remember September 18th no matter where my life takes me. Dave and I had a special relationship that was centered on our faith in Jesus and our love for one another. We walked the journey of life supporting one another in different careers and ministries. We experienced tragedy and death of family together. We traveled and had wonderful adventures and laughter together. Nothing takes these memories from my heart. I am farther down the path of life because of Dave’s encouragement and influence.
As I reflect on these past five years, I realize I am forever changed. I have had to figure out who am I now? This to me, is one of the hardest parts of grief. When my mom died, I had to figure out who I am now without parents and what was my role with my siblings. While the death of my mom changed me emotionally, my everyday life with my husband, Dave, did not change. I missed the daily phone calls and love and support from my mom. I felt like an orphan trying to figure out how to live without parents. I was changed but still felt the love and guidance of my mom.
When Dave died, my life changed forever. The one aspect of my life that did not change as much was my counseling ministry since Dave was never a part of it. What changed was not having the support and someone to take care of our dog, Annie. So Annie became part of my counseling ministry. I think she helped me more than my clients. She was my constant companion. Then, I had to figure out who I am now. I have moved four times since Dave died trying to figure out life. In our grief at the loss of a spouse, we need to figure out not only the big things of life but the daily things like what do you buy at the grocery store for one person? What do I really like? As I counsel other widows who have always made decisions based on their husband’s preferences, the grocery store is a huge grief step.
Over the past five years, my focus has become more on the living than the dying. Dave is now living in Heaven and I am living on earth. We are both living. I have a longing for Heaven as more and more people I love are living there, and I begin to think about the joy of spending eternity sharing life together. I have come to accept that change is good. It is an adventure that God has me on. Life is different. Different is not bad, it is just different. It does not mean I wanted this different life, but it is the life I have. I have also come to realize that being forever changed is what Jesus did in my heart. When I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior when I was in 7th Grade, Jesus has been changing my heart all these years to become more like his. I want to continue to grow and change to become more and more like Jesus every day.
None of us would choose this grief journey, but it is what we have. We can deny it for awhile and try to live in the past which is filled with memories. Or we can embrace this forever changed life and say, “OK, God, who am I now? I want to be more like Jesus in this changed life.”
