The Connection Of Our Grief

“When Jesus saw Mary crying and the Jews who came with her also crying, he was upset and was deeply troubled.”   John 11:33

This past week, I officiated at the funeral of my sister-in-law, Bertha, my brother, Edwin’s wife.  Bertha had been fighting illness in her body for quite some time.  The family cared for her at home, and I had two opportunities to be with her toward the end and talk with her about heaven and her faith.  We talked about the people she would see in heaven who were waiting for her.  We also talked about how hard it was to let go of those she loved here on earth.  I am grateful and humbled that God gave me these conversations with Bertha, my brother and two of their children.

As the service began, one of Bertha’s favorite hymns was played and many people joined to sing “In The Garden.”  I looked at my brother, Edwin, and he began to weep and then I glanced at my brother, David and he was trying so hard not to cry.  My eyes welled up with tears and my heart was breaking for my brother.  I, too, had sat in the front row of a funeral service for my spouse, my husband, Dave.  I knew the heartache and the pain, how it feels to lose the love of your life and your helpmate.

I shared in the service my memories of my sister-in-law and what I learned from her life.  Bertha, like each of us, had her own quirks and uniqueness and also gifts from God that she expressed in her life.  My brother, her husband, loved her deeply and had chosen her for his wife and helpmate for life.  I understood what it was like to lose a spouse and had some sense of his emotions, but each death and each relationship is different and unique.

At one point in the service, as I stood sharing with family and friends, I could see each of my siblings.  My siblings and I connect in our grief at the loss of grandparents and parents.  We walked together through the care and death of our parents and have stayed connected as a family.  My brother, Edwin and I now connect in our grief at the loss of a spouse.  While we have experienced loss and even loss of the same individual, our grief and how we deal with grief is different.  We care about each other.  As Henri Nouwen states, “to care is to participate in suffering, to share in the pain.  To care is to be present to those who suffer, and to stay present, even when nothing can be done to change the situation.”  (A Spirituality of Caregiving)

To connect with others in our grief is to allow them to just be present with us.  Nobody can “fix” the situation because grief is about loss.  As we walk with others in their grief, it is accepting that we cannot change the situation.  Nothing we say or do will take away the grief.  It is being able to be present and just “be.”  No action will heal the pain of loss and sadness.  In time, we learn to live in the emptiness and different life.  When I talk with others who have lost a spouse, I listen, I can relate but I do not understand how they feel because they are unique individuals and experience grief in this uniqueness.

Jesus understands our grief because he lives within our hearts and feels our pain and sadness.  He felt Mary’s pain and loss and it moved him to feeling troubled.  He wanted to take away her pain.  While in this situation, he raised Lazarus from the dead.  Though He did not raise our loved one physically from the dead, Jesus has raised our loved one to eternal life with Him in Heaven.  As Christians, we are assured of this hope, but it does not take away our grief and sadness.  We grieve with hope but we still grieve.  Jesus knows our hearts.  Connect to Jesus.  Hold His hand.  Cry with him.  Walk the journey of grief with Him.  Connect with others who grieve.  Just be present with them.