The Anniversary

 “I press on toward the goal….of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.”                                                          Philippians 3:14

The word “anniversary” described a time to celebrate our marriage or the marriage of family and friends.  It was a time to be happy and to remember how God created the bond of marriage.

September represents another understanding of Anniversary – the anniversary date of my husband’s death.  This month marks the 4th anniversary of Dave’s death and the recognition I have lived the past four years without his physical presence.  I have been reflecting on these past years.

On the 1st Anniversary of Dave’s death, it seemed impossible that he had been gone already a year.  It was also remarkable that I had survived all of the “firsts” without him.  I had kept busy with work – counseling and teaching and making visits.  My way of dealing with grief in this first year was to keep as busy as possible so the grief didn’t have time to penetrate deeply.  Oh, it did in moments, but I was more focused on others and caring for their needs.  Many who grieve experience this survival mode in the first year.

The 2nd Anniversary found me living in my hometown.  I had moved nine months earlier to find a quieter place to grieve and heal and to change my focus. I needed to separate myself from everything that reminded me of Dave.  I went back to my familiar surroundings and family.  It was in this time I began to write.  I started to write about my husband, Dave’s life and legacy but realized I had too much grief in me so I wrote out the grief.  The book, Living In The Different was birthed.  My life was truly different.  Different wasn’t bad, it was just different.  Then, I started to read Dave’s writings, sort through boxes of saved papers and speeches, cards and letters, pictures and stories from friends.  Somehow it was all organized, sifted through and a book emerged – Life Lessons of a Lone Trooper.

I felt this 2nd year had been productive by defining my grief and Dave’s legacy.  I connected with family and rediscovered my hometown.

The 3rd Anniversary found me considering my next move.  My hometown stay had brought healing to my heart and a time away from the life I had lived with Dave.  It also brought some disappointments for next steps, but also a realization God still had more for me to do.  So a leap of faith and a move back to the Columbus area happened after this 3rd Anniversary.  During this time, I gave away the majority of my stuff to family.  I believe part of my reason in moving back among my family was to give my possessions to my nieces and nephews so they could enjoy the blessings I had received.  It was the easiest way to accomplish this desire.  I want to travel lighter into this next chapter.

Now as the 4th Anniversary has approached, my priorities and view of life and purpose is changing and is different than what I had envisioned.  Work and doing and being busy are no longer in the forefront of this chapter of life.

I want to follow God’s will for my life and rest in God’s presence.  My purpose is to find peace and contentment in being with God.  I don’t want to settle and just take it easy, either.  This next chapter involves a leap of faith but also a closure.

Closure does not mean we no longer remember or grieve.  We remember the love, the impact and imprint our loved one has made upon our life.  We will always miss our loved one and grieve.  We moved forward with grief, but we move forward toward life, too. Closure means we start living instead of wishing it was like it used to be.  It means we live in the reality of this different life.  We have life and hope, and now trust in the new present and hope of a future.

In this 4th Anniversary, I am aware it is time to move forward.  The love of Dave will remain in my heart forever and his influence has strengthened me.  He is a part of my foundation upon which I will continue to build.  My life will always be different than I had hoped but it is my life now.  I walk into this 5th year without Dave, holding God’s right hand, being open to new adventures, new relationships and recognizing it is OK to be different.  Those who grieve understand.

As Anniversary dates approach each of you who grieve, reflect on the past.  Give yourself credit for surviving.  Remember and celebrate your loved one’s life and legacy and the difference made in your life.  Take the memories with you.  Recognize you are different and begin to look into this next chapter of your life.  Remember, love never ends; it just takes a different form.  Live in this different.