Numbness to Time

“To you, a thousand years is like the passing of a day, or like a few hours in the night.”   Psalm 90:4 (NCV)

As a child, time goes by so slowly.  It seems forever until your birthday, and then Christmas is so slow getting here.  School last what seems like an eternity, and it’s amazing how much you can pack into a summer!

As we age, time seems to speed up and go by at a greater speed.  It doesn’t seem possible that one season fades quickly into the next.  And then we experience the death of a loved one.  Time seems to stand still for a while.  Life is a blur and then one day we realize time has moved on while grief has remained.

On September 18, 2019, it will be four years since my husband, Dave died.  Four years!  Where has the time gone?  Sometimes it seems like only yesterday.  Other times it feels like forever since I saw him, touched him, laughed with him and shared moments with him.  September 18th will never be the same again.  It is more than a date on a calendar, but a date when time changed for me.

To the world around me, time has moved on and the expectation is that I have moved on in my loss.  The reality is one does not move on from grief, but one moves forward with grief.  Some aspect of grief will always be a part of who I am.

Grief is not about time, it is about love.  As we grieve, we may hear others around us, our friends and family, say, “It’s time to move on.”  “It’s time to let go.”  “It’s time to get over it and move on with your life.”

Grief has no time table.  Some people believe once you get through all the “firsts” your grieving will be completed.  For some who grieve, life moves forward quicker than for others.  Some may feel “stuck” in this grief, and it just seems impossible to move forward.  Time stands still.

I believe we move forward with the grief as a part of our daily life.  We learn to live in our grief and brokenness.  It is in this pain and brokenness that we find our new way of life.  Our lives will never go back to a normal feel and normal understanding of time. Life and the days and weeks keep marching on but in our grief, it feels like it stands still, too.

How I view time has changed for me.  I measure time differently when a loved one has died.  Now time for me is based on before or after Dave died.  Time after his death seems to all run together.  The days were cloudy at first, and I just wanted the day to be over.  Then I began to enjoy moments and smile at memories.  As I walk down this different path, I begin to see time not just what happened in the past, but time marks the present and a hope for a future.

Time, to me, is measured differently now.  It is not measured in hours and days, but in moments.  Moments of treasured memories.  Moments with special friends and family.  Moments resting in God’s presence.  Moments listening to God’s directions.  Moments listen to nature.  Moments of sadness and tears.  Moments.