Decisions At The Cemetery

“If I lie down in the grave, you are there…even there you would guide me.  With your right hand you would hold me.”   Psalm 139:8, 10 (NCV)

It is about a mile and a half to the cemetery where my husband, Dave’s body is buried in my current location.  I walk to the cemetery quite often.  I know Dave is not there, but a feeling of being closer to him occurs when I sit beside the grave stone.

My dog, Annie, has been to the grave so many times that her nose leads her directly to the grave and then she lays down under a nearby tree while I talk with Dave and God.

I remember the day Dave’s body was laid to rest in the casket in this cemetery.  It is one of the most vivid memories for me of the funeral day.  The funeral director, Dwayne Spence, walked me to the gravesite.  It was a warm and sunny September day, but I was cloudy and cold.  I sat on a chair under the tent in front of the casket.  I had been on the other side so many times as the minister officiating at the graveside service.  This was different sitting and staring at the casket.

I have no memory of what was said at the ceremony.  I remember the intense quietness of the flag being folded by state troopers and given to me by the Colonel of the Highway Patrol.  The taps were played.  The guns fired a 21 gun salute.  The bagpiper played “Amazing Grace” and then he turned and walked away from the grave playing and the sound grew faint but still distinct.  Tears flowed for the first time that day.  I had tried to keep it all inside, but the cemetery called for the release of the tears.  It was good-bye to his body and he was laid to rest.  My physical connection with Dave was gone.

After the service and the meal at the church, everyone said good-bye and went home.  I was left alone with my dog.  We returned that evening to the cemetery.  Where else could I go?  I sat with my dog and cried at the fresh grave.  The cemetery was filled with sadness and a deep pain.  I was now alone.

Over the months, I would stop for a few moments at the cemetery.  It became not a place of pain but a place of release and healing.  I come now to be connected to Dave’s spirit.  It is quiet and I am more focused on listening to God speak to my heart.  Dave is with God and God’s Spirit is in me so a part of Dave’s spirit is present with me at the cemetery.

When I need to make a decision or to sort out life, I go to the cemetery.  Every major decision in the years since Dave’s death has been made at the cemetery.  I also go to the cemetery where my parents and grandparents are buried and reflect on these decisions and direction for my life.

The cemetery reminds me of all the people who have come before me and have left a legacy of love in my life.  It is filled with the “great cloud of witnesses” that are the foundation of my life and faith.  The cemetery has become a peaceful place because those who dwell there are at peace and no longer struggle in this world.

A quiet spirit comes over me now as I enter the cemetery.  Some days there is a longing to be there in the quiet and reflect.  Spending time in the cemetery has helped me to focus on what is most important in life – my relationship with God and my relationship with others.  The cemetery is filled with relationships of love.  There have been times I have gathered with family at the cemetery, and in those moments of sharing memories, I hear the difference our loved one has made in our lives.  The cemetery reminds us that our loved one lived and mattered and the spirit of our loved one lives on in us.