Conflicted In The Heart

“His anger lasts only a moment, but his kindness lasts for a lifetime. Crying may last for a night, but joy comes in the morning. You changed my sorrow into dancing. You took away my clothes of sadness and clothed me in happiness.”  Psalm 30:5, 11

As I sit in my sunroom writing this blog, the sun is shining, and the room is warm from the sun. I look outside and the sky is blue. There is a slight breeze moving the few remaining leaves on the trees. The humidity is low, so the air is crisp and clear. I am comfortable inside and need to complete this blog, but the beauty of creation invites me outside. I am torn between writing, resting, and enjoying this perfect fall day inside or going outside. There is a conflict within me.

The fall has been beautiful this year with all the fall foliage and crisp refreshing air. I so enjoy the changing seasons. As the calendar changed to November and the clocks are turned back an hour, I am reminded the holiday season is now upon us. The stores finished the Halloween candy and décor and immediately began November with the full press of the Christmas season. I walked into my neighbor’s home this week and it looked like Hobby Lobby blew up in her place. She is preparing for an early Christmas with her family. I love Christmas decorations but not so early in November. There is conflict within me.

In the past two weeks, I have participated in several grief groups with the topic being how to survive the holidays. Holidays are filled with all types of emotions naturally and then you add grief to it, there will be conflict within. One young lady when asked what her emotion was for this holiday season said, “I am conflicted.”  She went on to explain she wanted to celebrate the season with her children, but the pain and hurt from her loss brought overwhelming grief and sadness.

Conflicted feelings and emotions. We all experience this in our hearts. We do not know what to believe or feel. It is confusing. One moment you feel excited about the coming of the holidays and being with family and friends, and the next minute you are overwhelmed and scared. You feel alone, but you are surrounded by family and friends.

The conflict is not just connected to the holiday season. It comes in almost all aspects of life.  I heard this statement recently – “It’s in my head but not my heart yet.”  She was trying to accept the change in her life and release the past. She knew what to do but her emotions were not willing to embrace the different. She was conflicted inside. She knows the reality of her life, but emotionally does not want to accept and believe that she needs to move forward. The old life is completed, but it is difficult to accept when the love is so strong in her heart.

I am not talking about conflict with other people. This is a conflict within our hearts. I feel conflicted emotionally. I sigh and accept that this is now my life. It is what it is and this is now my reality. I sigh and accept changes. I sigh and realize that is who that person is or that I cannot control the situation. Then the next moment I cry out of frustration, anger, and hurt. Then I laugh at myself because I took the situation so seriously. Life is filled with conflicted emotions. We feel different emotions almost simultaneously.

God created us with such a wide range of emotions, and we feel a variety of them at the same time and in the same situation. We cry at night, and then joy comes in the morning. We laugh in the midst of our sorrow and tears. Give yourself permission to mix all those emotions together.

I have learned on this journey to take an emotional step back in situations where I am feeling conflicted. To sigh and release even when I cannot put words to all the emotions of the situation. I am learning to release to God by saying, “OK, God, keep me focused on your plan not mine. Your timing not mine. Help me to trust you in this moment.” Tears may come to cleanse my soul. I surrender to God. I give myself permission to feel all these feelings.

Sighing and crying release the emotions inside, and joy and laughter fill us up. The scripture tells us “Joy comes in the morning.” After we release, God brings joy and contentment in the midst of the situation. God tells us that all of these emotions can exist together when we allow God to be in the midst of them.

My new book – Live Different Moments – is available on Amazon or directly through me.