The Dash and the Date

“All the days planned for me were written in your book before I was one day old.”  Psalm 139:16

I pulled the two boxes off my shelf and opened them.  Inside were the brochures and bulletins from hundreds of funerals.  Each time I attend visitation hours at a funeral home or attend a funeral at a church, I received a piece of paper giving the name, date of birth and death and information about the person who had died.  I have saved these over the years.  The boxes are full of more than paper.  These are memories of lives that have intersected mine for a period of time.  Each piece of paper represents a life.  Some lived a long and full life while other lives were very short in days.  Each life had a beginning – a birth, a life and then an ending date.

On each tombstone and grave marker is the date of birth and date of death, but between the dates is a dash.  A story has been written about the dash along with a song.  The dash represents the life lived.  The dash is the same length for everyone – whether on a stone or from the keys of a keyboard.  Each dash is equal.  Each life has a story and purpose.  It is not the length of time but the meaning of the life.

To the world, the life has ended at the date of death.  But to those of us who have loved the person, the love never ends and our loved one lives on in our hearts.  Our faith assures us they are more alive than ever in Heaven.  As I reflected on those I have loved and walked the journey of life with I was amazed at the length of time they had been gone from this world.  The memory of their lives was still fresh in my heart.  Time seems to lose its meaning and power when it comes to death and grief.  While the focus of grief seems to be the first year of loss as we experience all the “firsts” without our loved one, grief is not a linear time focus. 

My focus in grief has been on the dash – the life my loved ones have lived.  In grief, I talk with others about changing the focus from the dying and death to how the person lived and the difference the person has made in your life.  That is the dash of life – the meaning and purpose of our loved one’s life.  The dash is about life and influence and purpose.  The dates are about birth and death.  While few of us are present at the actual birth or even at the moment of death, we gather to celebrate the completion of a life.  Unfortunately during these past months, we have not been able to celebrate lives as we have wanted.  It has been more private and at times limited numbers.  This has delayed grief and also prevented the sharing of stories and receiving hugs and support from others in our grief.

That final date.  We know how long it has been in calendar years, but it seems just like yesterday at times.  We understand time differently and measure time based on when our loved one died.  It may be a year, five years or twenty years.  It does not matter the length of time in grief.  Our view of time has changed.  It amazes us sometimes when we realize that it has been five years since our loved one died.  It does not change the love, the meaning of their life nor the grief and loss we still feel.  The hole in our life remains.  In Heaven there is no time. 

Time is a limit of our earth.  Our loved one is in Heaven where time does not matter, therefore, in our grief time does not matter.  The distance from the earthly end date has no meaning to our grief.  It is just a recognition of the loss of their physical presence.  Our loved one has never left our hearts and grief has no regard to time.  The date just signifies the time I stopped seeing their physical body but my love and relationship and impact never ceased.