My Grief Companion

My husband, Dave and I rescued our dog almost seven years ago on our wedding anniversary.  Therefore, we named her “Annie” for anniversary.  Dave was now retired and needed a companion while I was at work.  Annie came into our home and won Dave’s heart pretty quickly.  My heart was still with our first dog, Specs, who lived with us for sixteen and a half years.  I never had an inside dog before Specs.  As a child, we always had a dog on the farm but it lived outside.  So Specs or Inspector General II which was his official name, came to live in our house and in my heart for many years.

 Then came Annie.  Annie was a barker and it took a while to house train her, but soon she slept on Dave’s lap during the day while I was gone.  One day, I called Dave during the day and asked if he would do something for me.  He told me, it would be a little while before he could because Annie was asleep on his lap and he didn’t want to wake her.

 As Dave’s health declined because of the tumors pushing on his brain, Annie stayed close by him.  But her barking would send him over the edge and he couldn’t deal with the intense pain that it caused him.  But when the hospital bed arrived in our condo, Annie slept under the bed to guard and protect.  She wanted to be close to Dave.  She spent some hours sleeping in bed too with Dave.

 When Dave died, Annie was under the bed and didn’t want to leave.  She did not like the funeral directors taking his body out of the house.  Annie grieved.  She was sad and didn’t eat well for days.

 After the funeral, I came home and it was just me and Annie, and that is how it has been ever since.  Annie was not use to being alone so I began taking her to work with me and she has become my therapy dog in counseling.  Annie travels with me much of the time. 

 It was with Annie, that I cried and she curled up next to me in bed and licked my tears many nights.  It was with Annie I was angry and she still loved me as I expressed the anger in my grief.  It was with Annie that I had long conversations and she just listened and would lick my face in response.

 Annie has become my companion on this journey.  She has kept me from jumping into any unhealthy relationship because I didn’t need anyone else since I had her.  Annie has kept me active by running and walking and because of her I had to get out of bed in the morning.  My faithful companion has helped me keep a schedule in this chaotic journey of grief.  While we rescued her seven years ago, she has rescued me through my grief.  Annie has been my main stability.

 There have been days when I wonder why I have a dog.  I think I would have so much more freedom if I didn’t have a dog.  But then I understand that by having Annie I did not jump into something that might not have been healthy for me.  I have had to be home which has given me the opportunity to reflect, write, and grow in my personal relationship with God.

 God has given us a companion in our lives, the Holy Spirit.

 “I will ask the Father and he will give you another Comforter, and he will never leave you.”

John 14:16 (TLB)

The Holy Spirit is the Spirit of Jesus that is within us.  The Spirit is always with us.  We are never alone on this journey.

My Grief Story

I grew up in a farm community where people showed respect for those who died.  My parents believed it was important to attend the visitation and many times the funeral for members of our extended family, the community and our church family.  Death was just as much a part of life as was birth.  Living on a farm, I assisted in the birthing of lambs and calves and also watched the death of animals from sickness, naturally, or killed for food.

My parents raised me in the church and I came to accept Jesus as my Lord and Savior when I was in Jr. High School.  I heard and sang about heaven and remember sermons on the “great cloud of witnesses” from Hebrews 12:1.  I visited the cemetery regularly to place flowers on the graves of family members. 

My own grief journey began when I officiated at my first funeral at the age of 24.  I was on staff at Marysville First United Methodist Church and as the Associate Minister had visited the granddaughter of one of the members at his request.  Tami was 23 years old and was dying of cancer.  We developed a wonderful friendship and I was with her and her family as she died.  I came face to face with death as a young minister and watched the sadness and grief of a young husband and a family.  I realized then how important it was to walk with people in their grief and that there were no answers or words that could help the intense pain and sadness.  But it was important to be present and to be a support and comfort in their grief.

Then I experienced the death of my dear Grandma who was the most influential person in my life and faith.  She was 97 years old and was not afraid to die.  She looked forward to being in heaven and reunited with loved ones.  Her faith was strong and her belief in heaven strengthened me.  I was happy for her, but sad for me that I no longer had her physically present with me for love and support.  I shared her legacy and the difference she made in my life in my first book, Love Lighted Path.

The death that made me question my faith and ask “why” so many times was the death of my grandson, “JC” at eleven months old.  JC was the grandson born after I became a part of the family.  I had baptized him a few months earlier and remember holding him in my arms and dedicating him to God.  JC choked on a toy at the home of his babysitter.  There were so many questions and no answers.  Our hearts were broken and our grief was intense.  The hurt has remained.  I had to picture Jesus holding JC in his arms knowing he was in heaven to make it through the heartache, but the hole in my heart remains.

The death of my parents, my dad from complications of Parkinson’s disease and my mom from breast cancer that returned in her bones, left me an orphan.  I mourned my past and childhood.  I no longer heard the words, “daddy’s little girl” and no longer had a mom who could answer all my questions.  I have missed walking through life with them, but am so thankful for all they taught me especially giving me a foundation of my faith in Jesus. 

My mom died a few months after I went back to school for my counseling degree.  It was the first graduation without her, but I felt her presence with me.  I did an internship for my degree with Hospice and stayed after graduation working for six years as a hospice chaplain.  It was in Hospice that I developed a spiritual understanding of the dying process and had my faith confirmed over and over again that heaven is real.  I witnessed people talking with people who had died and seeing angels.  Heaven and earth connected and I was a witness.  I understood the need to walk with people on the journey of grief.  Grief begins many times before death and continues.  Grief is not just for families but for those who form a relationship and walk with people in the dying process.  I developed some very close relationships with those I cared for as a hospice chaplain.  I give thanks to God for the opportunity to learn and grow and to grieve.

My own grief has been defined through the death of my husband, Dave.  Dave began experiencing vision issues and depth perception while driving.  He went to the optometrist and was referred to an ophthalmologist.  Dave had an MRI and brain tumors were discovered throughout his entire brain.  The diagnosis came in February, 2015 and Dave died September 18, 2015.  During those seven months, we walked the journey of dying and living in the midst of the dying. 

I have never felt more sad or lonely than the evening after the funeral.  Everyone went home and I was left alone in the condo with my dog.  My thoughts and emotions were all over the place.  I was thankful Dave was no longer in pain and suffering.  I knew he was in Heaven and was healed, but who was I now and what was I to do?

Thus began my journey of how to live in the different.  I worked, counseled, changed positions, resigned, moved and moved again.  Life has been different and will always be different.  In the process of grieving, I wrote two books, Living In the Different which describes grief and the passages of sorrow and loss.  Then I wrote Life Lessons of a Lone Trooper which shares my husband, Dave’s, stories and life lessons.  Both books have been part of my journey and healing.

Through my deep grief, I have begun to share the journey with others through grief classes and seminars.  If God had brought me through grief and continues to guide me in how to live in this different life, than God has opened a new journey for me to share with others.

Through my blog and grief classes, I will share more of the journey and what God is teaching me about grief and how to live in this different life.

“The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the suffering and afflicted.  He has sent me to comfort the brokenhearted…”  Isaiah 61:1

Introduction to My “Living In The Different” Blog

Grief has changed me.  I recognize life is different.  Different isn’t bad, it’s just different.  It is learning how to live in this different knowing life will never be the same again. I have learned in the changes and knowing that love never ends, it just takes a different form.  Grief will be with me in some form, too, throughout the rest of my life.

I will be sharing random thoughts through this blog about my own grief and how I am living in this different life.  I will share what is hard, and also how I have embraced the alone time and strengthened my relationship with God. I will share some of the insights I have gained through Scriptures and how they relate to the journey of grief.

My friend, Ruth, did not like the word “grief.”  She felt it was a negative word. She was fine using sorrow and loss, but not staying in the sadness.  Ruth’s husband had died 30 years ago and he was just as present in her heart today as he was 30 years ago.  For her and for me, love never dies and our loved one lives on within our hearts.

My sadness is not for my loved ones.  I know they are in heaven, rejoicing with our Heavenly Father and seeing Jesus face to face.  They are whole and happy. The sadness is for the hole that is in my heart, the hole that is in my life when they physically left this world.  My heart aches in the quiet times of loneliness when I miss my loved one’s companionship, laughter, touch and presence.

As I journey through my grief and you journey with me through these writings, my prayer is that we embrace the legacy of our loved ones and how they made a difference in our lives.  My hope is that together we learn to live in this different life and embrace the love God has given to us through Jesus, and find hope and a good future.

“I say this because I know what I am planning for you,” says the Lord.  “I have good plans for you, not plans to hurt you, I will give you hope and a good future.”Jeremiah 29:11 (NCV)