The Commotion of My Soul

“My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death.”    Mark 14:33

Commotion – “a state of confused and noisy disturbance.”  This describes the journey of our grief.  We feel confused, cloudy, numb, unable to focus and unsure of the next steps.  So many people – most well-meaning – give us advice, guidance and try to make us feel better.  Sometimes it just feels overwhelming.  It is a constant noise without meaning and purpose.  Our normal, content lives have been forever disturbed by loss.  Nothing is the same.  Never normal again.

Then as the days pass on, you feel something deep down inside you that says, “You need to live – not just go through the motions of life.”  You have tried to rely on God in the deep hole of your grief.  Your soul has been empty, but you have been clinging to the hope that even in the emptiness, God has been and continues to be in you and with you.  Your soul, that deep inward part of who you are, has been attempting to develop and grow again.

The conflict of not wanting to forget and seeing a way forward brings feelings of guilt that you are leaving behind your loved one and still knowing deep inside you there could be life again.  The longing in your soul creates a commotion of confusion.   It disturbs the grief and the shrine you have made to your loved one.  A different life feels like a letting go and forgetting though you know you will never forget.  So, the commotion inside continues.  It feels like you are fighting with yourself to find a peace and purpose to life.

Some of you may still have anger or resentment toward God.  God is a God of miracles and power.  God could have healed or prevented the tragedy.  The One who did not give us what we wanted is also the One who will walk with us through it all and never leave us alone.  God is deep down in our soul in the commotion wanting us to release the misery and intense pain of our stuckness to Him.  God is not asking us to forget the grief or our loved one.  God just wants us to close the door on existing in the misery.   God wants us to turn toward living.

This is where the commotion – the confusion is most intense.  We see the desire and hope to live but have no clue how to take steps toward a different life.  We see the need, but the emptiness and aloneness are so overwhelming.  Where do we even begin?

We begin with Jesus.  As he prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane before his crucifixion, his soul was overwhelmed with sorrow.  The commotion in His soul was to do God’s will but the human desire was to be delivered from the pain.  Jesus walked through the pain and suffering knowing His Father was with Him.  He fulfilled His purpose.  And after His resurrection, Jesus’ first word spoken was “Peace.”  Jesus found peace in the commotion of His soul by surrendering to His Father.

We long for peace in the turmoil of grief.  Peace does not come from any external source.  It only comes from within our soul as we wrestle with the commotion.  A soul that is grounded in Jesus not in the situation around us can find peace.  We may find peace that our loved one is no longer suffering and is healed in Heaven with Jesus.  But we never resolve that life, our life, has peace without our special person physically present.  This is where the commotion of the soul begins to resolve the confusion and disturbance.  Our loved one has completed their life on earth.  The chapter is closed on making any more memories.  They made a difference, and their love is what continues.  That love is in our soul, and it mixes with who we now are to create the one we become.  The love is part of our foundation.  It is not separate, but all mixed within the foundation. 

We need to cultivate that love and mix it with who we are becoming and create something new.  Life and relationships will be different.  They need to be.  Give your soul – the core of your being – permission to live again.  Your foundation for the new life is those you have loved.  All that love is mixed together.  It does not look the same and neither do you.  You cannot separate it either.  The commotion will one day settle into a peace.  A peace that says, “I like who I am now and my soul is at rest beside God who walks with me.”