The Guilt In Grief

“Let us come near to God with a sincere heart and a sure faith, because we have been made free from a guilty conscious, and our bodies have been washed with pure water.” Hebrews 10:22

“Did I do enough?” “I should have done something different.” “If I had, he would still be here.” “If only we had tried…” These are statements made by many after the death of a loved one. If only and what if statements go through our minds. We try to figure out another way of caring for our loved one so that the outcome would be different. Our mind knows that this is not rational or possible, but our heart wants to believe it to be true because we do not want to face the reality of death. This is a type of guilt in our grief. Thinking we could have done more or been able to change the outcome if we had just worked harder, did something different, or been there more. We blame ourselves for the death because we were not good enough or smart enough or our faith was not strong enough. We know in our mind that we are not to blame, but our heart is filled with guilt. We need to blame someone and many times it is ourselves.

As we journey the path of grief, the guilt may change. We feel guilty that we are living and our loved one is not here. We feel guilty when we laugh and enjoy moments in life. We may think we are not honoring our loved one if we are not sad and crying. We feel guilt when moments go by and we did not think about our loved one. We may feel guilt when we do not talk about our loved one constantly to others. Or we do not go to cemetery as often as we used to go. We may feel we need to stay focused on our loved one’s dying and the loss and pain to remain in grief. Our heart tells us we need to feel sad and lonely to honor our loved one. Guilt can twist our grief and keep us stuck in the pain and loneliness. Reality is we honor our loved one when we live out their legacy in our lives. Their love and influence gives us the will and hope to live and honor their lives.

Another guilt in grief is when we have the desire to live and love again. The loneliness and emptiness of life is intense, and we begin to long to share life again with someone. If we have lost a spouse, this guilt of having the desire to love again seems a dishonor to our deceased spouse. We may have made a death bed promise to our spouse that we would never marry again or love anyone but him/her. We made that promise believing it to be true at the time, but now we want to live and share life again with someone. We have a desire to be happy and find joy in life, but the guilt of being unfaithful haunts our hearts. We also have guilt that others will place a judgment on us as we try to take up life again. We do not want to hurt those who have loved our spouse or loved one.

My first husband, Dave, cared for his first wife, Iris, through her cancer. As she was nearing the end of her life, Iris wanted to have the conversation with Dave that he should marry again because he was young and had more life to live. Dave did not want to have this conversation, but finally said to her, “Fine, who would you choose?” Iris chose me. She named me as the person Dave should marry. He was given the permission to marry again and not have guilt for finding love again. When Dave was in his last weeks, we began a similar conversation, but I was not ready to let him go. I told him, “I was loved by the best” and that ended the conversation. We never returned to it again. Over the next years, I remained faithful to Dave and our love.

I came to realize, though, that Dave cannot give me anymore love and I could not give anymore love to him. Our love was complete. Dave was now in Heaven with the One who is Love. He is receiving the greatest love of all - God’s love in its fullness. The love in my heart for Dave will always remain. I am who I am because of that love. And because I have loved deeply and had a marriage centered on God and His love for us, I have a foundation to build upon and to love again. Our head knows that our loved one wants us to be happy and live, but it takes time for the heart to let go of the guilt feelings. We are not replacing them. Nothing takes away from our time together and the love. It is now complete. It is part of the foundation of life, and we can build upon that love and foundation.

Guilt tells us we should not love again. Release the guilt. It is not in charge. Allow yourself to be true to who you are. Some will love again. Some will not. Either way is OK. Just be true to yourself and live the life God has given to you. It may not be what you dreamed it would be. It will be different. Different is not bad, it is just different.